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Your guy friends want to have sex with you. Wake up ladies!


diabolik

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There have been a couple of recent threads where a woman was hanging out with a male friend (not her bf) only to discover that he has an ulterior motive, namely that he wants to have sex with her. Most women are so clueless and naive about this, there ought to be a sticky on ENA about this, but in lieu of that, I'll just start a thread.

 

So here it is ladies:

1. Many of your male 'platonic' friends, unless they are gay, would have sex with you if given the opportunity. This applies to even your bf's friends. Are there guys who wouldn't? Sure, but it is safer for you to assume that they would.

 

It never ceases to amaze me how often a guy (usually a bf or close trusted friend) will say to a girl "That guy is definitely interested in you" and the girl will respond "No, he's just a friend, and that's the way he always is". Next time you hear that, BELIEVE IT. We guys know the signs when another guy is interested in a woman. It may not be interest in a relationship, but it will most certainly be interest in sex.

 

2. Many guys will interpret nearly everything as a woman being interested in them. I joked in another thread that if a woman's lips are moving while facing me, all I hear is "I want you". While that's a joke, there is an element of truth to it. If you are hanging out with us, we perceive that you are interested. If you are hanging out alone with us and drinking with us, we definitely perceive that you are interested. If you come home with us, or allow us into your home, we assume you want sex, even if you have a bf or a husband.

 

3. If you see *any* behavior that indicates your male friend might be interested in more than just friendship, and you are not interested in the same, you should shut him down HARD on his first advance. Anything less that a firm and forceful rejection can easily be misinterpreted by the guy as the girl playing hard to get, especially if the guy is already intoxicated/high. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it happens.

 

After he indicates interest, and after you've strongly rejected his advance, LEAVE. If you stick around, time and a little more alcohol may reignite in his mind the thought that you really are interested and that's why you're still hanging around. Call your bf, a friend, a taxi, whatever, just leave. If you absolutely, positively, cannot leave, make it very clear to him you have a boyfriend you love (make one up if you have to) and are not at all interested in him (the friend) - say those words: "I am not interested in you as anything more than friends"; don't just assume that he will get subtle hints.

 

4. This may seem a bit over the top, and not every guy you know wants to have sex with you, but for your safety, you should assume they do. And the more physically attractive you are (not in your head, but how others view you; in fact, the hot girl who doesn’t think she’s hot may be even more vulnerable to this type of behavior), the greater the percentage of your male friends who want to have sex with you.

 

Men can transition from friendship to sex much more readily than women can. For us, the 'friend zone' is a firm barrier only when we are not physically attracted to you, or if you are dating our brother, best friend, etc. (and for some guys, even that's not enough to stop them if given an opportunity).

 

And while many guys will get the hint after a mild rejection of their pass at you, some will not, so, again, for your safety, better to shut us down hard the first time. While it may be overkill to the guy who would’ve gotten the message with a milder rejection, it is easier to explain away a forceful rejection than it is explain to your bf or to the police why you allowed the guy to kiss you or have sex with you.

 

5. Yes, if men were better behaved, none of this would be an issue. But many men are not so well behaved, and alcohol makes men behave worse. Sure, we can pooh pooh all this with some politically correct gibberish, but none of that will make you feel much better if you put yourself in a position where things get out of hand. Protect yourself first, worry about a guy’s feelings second.

 

EDIT: Some people are interpreting this post as suggesting ALL your guy friends are plotting to have sex with you. That is obviously not the case. I'm just advocating that you stay aware and don't blind yourself to advances from a male friend that you would notice if it came from a male stranger.

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I don't doubt that most male "freinds" would have sex with their female friends if given the chance. We are sexual creatures. But I don't think all of them would act on it. I have male friends who have never made a move on me because they respect me. And these are friends Ive had for over ten years and have shared many drinks with.

 

I also think that often when females deny that their guy friends have crushes on them, they know that they do but just don't want to go there. They just shut down the thought because it repulses them or because they know going there will ruin their friendship.

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I have girlfriends that I am no attracted to at all and would not have sex with them given an opportunity. Some of them I've even slept with in the same bed...but never touched.

 

It's called the Utlra-Friend-Zone, I've been there. Had three ladies fall asleep in bed with me, one even laying on top of me...But then again I was half in love with one of them, and ended up falling in completely in love with the other. Got that one too, for a short time. Ahh the good ol'days.

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It's called the Utlra-Friend-Zone, I've been there. Had three ladies fall asleep in bed with me, one even laying on top of me...But then again I was half in love with one of them, and ended up falling in completely in love with the other. Got that one too, for a short time. Ahh the good ol'days.

 

I think of "friend zone" as those who are friends with someone that they truly want to be more friends with.

 

My example...I don't want anything more then to be friends...just saying it does happen with men/women.

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Some guy friends have ulterior motives some dont. I came accross this this weekend when one of my guy friends kept trying to peck me on the lips, eventually he grabbed my face and put his lips on mine really forcefully and actually hurt my face, I was so disgusted by his behaviour I just said 'look im going' and left. I told my bf and he was just made that someone who is both our friends would act like that.

 

And he was behaving like that in a BIG group of our friends. I've lost many a guy friend over them trying it on. I dont accept it. If they try it on, their no friend of mine. Then again theirs many friends of mine that are like brothers to me and act like my brother.

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Wise advice. But could we have a similar post telling men to wake up and stop behaving like slimy opportunistic predators with their female friends?

 

Notice that your post is not entitled, "Dude, wake up. You're being a creepy jerk."

 

Yes, women need to be smart and vigilant and careful (always...everywhere...their entire lives). But it'd be nice to see a few men stepping up and telling their buddies, "Man, that's not right. Knock it off and leave her alone." Instead of cheering them on, which is what seems to happen way too often.

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All of my friends would have sex with me if I had a made a move on them, female and male (obv with females, they have to be either bi or a les). To me, wanting to have sex is just that, wanting to have sex. We're sexual creatures. What's wrong with that? I just don't care.

 

I have issues with guys falling love with me though. LOL, sounds wickedly conceited, i know... I wouldn't mind having sex with some of my friends, but we don't go there because of the complications sex could bring. Feelings are harder to deal with. That's the dangerous part, it seems. I can't tell you how many times a so-called friends confess that they're in love. Now that is awkward... and problematic.

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So given what you are saying is true the majority of the time, my question is...

 

Can men and women (straight,not gay) be friends? Can a man be a real friend to a woman?

 

I tend to think like your post indicates, that most men want to have sex with a woman and that drives his desire to interact with her, but can he still be a good friend to her?

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A distinction can maybe be made between wanting to sleep with the friend and trying to sleep with the friend. Which do you think happens more often? Are most male friends in these cases actively trying to find a way to bang her?

 

I have had guy friends I would sleep with, but like SF said, boundaries were respected and an issue was never made of it.

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lol, you make it sound like our guy friends will rape us immediately when given the chance

No, of course not. And rape is the extreme end of the scale. There was a recent thread by a woman who was hanging out with a male friend of both her and her boyfriend, who made repeated unwanted advances and eventually kissed her, leaving her feeling very guilty and upset. As for rape, if it was so easy to tell the difference b/w the guys who would and the guys who wouldn’t, acquaintance rape wouldn’t be so common.

I don't doubt that most male "freinds" would have sex with their female friends if given the chance. We are sexual creatures. But I don't think all of them would act on it. I have male friends who have never made a move on me because they respect me. And these are friends Ive had for over ten years and have shared many drinks with.

Right, not all would. I’m just encouraging women to be on their guard. Just b/c he’s a friend doesn’t mean you should not pay attention to indications that he wants more than friendship.

I also think that often when females deny that their guy friends have crushes on them, they know that they do but just don't want to go there. They just shut down the thought because it repulses them or because they know going there will ruin their friendship.

Yes, it can be quite a depressing thought for most women.

This is a great thread! Is it honestly realistic to assume that every platonic male friend we have wants to knock socks with us though? Taking on that attitude would seem a little presumptuous and "holier than thou" to me and I'd really love to continue to think that men's brains function beyond, "I must hit that."

Not every male friend will want to ‘knock socks with you’, but it can be hard, if not impossible, to tell the difference until he makes an overt advance. It’s not so much “I must hit that” as it is “I’d hit that if the opportunity arose”.

So given what you are saying is true the majority of the time, my question is...

 

Can men and women (straight,not gay) be friends? Can a man be a real friend to a woman?

 

I tend to think like your post indicates, that most men want to have sex with a woman and that drives his desire to interact with her, but can he still be a good friend to her?

Yes, men and women can be good friends, and it’s easier when the man isn’t physically attracted to the woman. Some of my closest female friends I’m just not physically attracted to, and others, whom I am physically attracted, we’ve either already had sex, or they know that I’d be interested in sex, but am also happy with just a friendship. The ones who I only want sex/romance with, but not friendship, I don’t stay friends with – we either get together or we part ways. But many guys are afraid of revealing their true intentions, and only do so when alone and drunk with the girl. But usually they're harmless, and just hang around with the girl hoping that one day she'll see what a great guy he is.

 

If you’re an attractive woman, you best bet for male friends will be gay guys or guys who are upfront and let you know that they are attracted to you, but also find you worthy of a friendship even if sex is off the table. The guys who act like they wouldn’t want to have sex with their hot friend are the ones to be wary of being alone and drunk with. But, not all of these guys will act on it; the problem is you can’t tell in advance who will and who won’t, so be on your guard.

A distinction can maybe be made between wanting to sleep with the friend and trying to sleep with the friend. Which do you think happens more often? Are most male friends in these cases actively trying to find a way to bang her?

Right, but that distinction usually can’t be made in advance by the woman. I’d guess that most male friends are not actively trying to find a way to bang their female friend. But some will take advantage of an opportunity when it arises.

You're making a big assumption that the women don't feel the same! Difference being, I'd never ACT on the feelings... perhaps we do 'consequences' (ie loss of friendship) better than men, on the whole?

Sure, women can feel the same, and then there’s no issue. But how many threads do we see where the guy feels upset/distraught/guilty/etc. b/c a female friend forcibly kissed, groped or raped him?

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I agree with many things in your post, diabolik. I don't doubt that many of my guy friends wouldn't mind having sex with me, but I don't think that means they have an ulterior motive for being my friend. Just because they'd sleep with me given the opportunity doesn't mean that that's the only reason they stay friends with me.

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But many guys are afraid of revealing their true intentions, and only do so when alone and drunk with the girl. But usually they're harmless, and just hang around with the girl hoping that one day she'll see what a great guy he is.

 

 

Harmless, yes, to the girl, but harmless to the guy - NO!! hanging around hoping that one day she will "come to her senses" and want him is usually a self-esteem killer. Meanwhile, the girl soaks up all the attention of both her b/f AND this wannabe b/f. Wannabe b/f fills in the gaps of the deficiences of the b/f. The situation is particuarily effective if girl is very attractive and flirty.

 

example: Actual b/f doesn't like musicals and refuses to go, wannabe b/f pretends he does and goes with her...in fact he buys the tickets. The girl in question thanks wannabe (you're such a good friend) and then goes home and has sex with her b/f. B/f wins, girls wins, wannabe thinks he takes one step closer to being with her. One day the whole thing blows up in wannabe's face, he sees the light and he ends up being a bitter masturbater (a masterbitter if you will)

 

Of course, there is always the wannabe who DOES succeed and win the girl...eventually, only to find that, you know, she wasn't really that great to begin with and the 2 years of agony he was in, catering to her every whim wasn't really worth it and he should have gone out with "plain jane" who liked him all along (and has her own unrequited love issues). Plus he can't really trust her knowing how he "won" her.

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In some ways, it's kind of a moot point.

You don't tend to befriend people you find horribly obnoxious and unattractive. lol

There is often plenty of sexual tension between "platonic" friends (on one side or both)and many guys know women they would like to sleep with- vice versa.

If you get drunk and act irresponsibly, bad things can and will happen.

 

Everyone just needs to know what they want, be responsible and set boundaries.

It's fairly good to do accross the board.

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