I cheated-can we ever move on?

wandering76 · 06-28-2009, 10:44 PM

Hi, A few weeks after I began dating a wonderful girl I cheated on her with my ex (one time only, and I admitted it within days). My girlfriend was worried about my ex right from the start of our relationship and yet for a reason even I don't fully understand it still happened. I've tried to be as honest as possible about it and realised that there is no point trying to make excuses or anything.

Anyway the point is I really love my girlfriend and that grows every day. My infidelity happened 6 weeks ago and it is still a major obstacle between us. Obviously I don't expect my gf to just put it past her and forget about it but it seems that nothing I do can help to rebuild her trust.

I just want to know if there is anything I can do to help rebuild her trust, or whether I should just accept that it will take time? It drives me nuts that this terrible thing is between us and I am worried that maybe it will always be there, especially when I haven't felt this way about anyone for 10 years.

**melrich** · 06-28-2009, 10:52 PM

It will take time and that little niggle in her brain may never completely disappear.

All I can advise is that you be completely transparent with her because she will be looking for ANY sign that you are being untrustworthy for some time yet.

melanie6929 · 06-28-2009, 10:57 PM

You haven't felt this way about someone in 10 years, yet you cheated on this person? I figured if you felt so greatly about her, the last thing you'd do is cheat. Anyways, it happened so what's done is done.

Don't speed up the process, because nothing you do is going to make her heal faster. It's all up to her. She might not get over it, only time will tell. You just gotta be there for her and deal with the "off days". She'll be moody, maybe even angry at you somedays. Whatever you do, don't get mad at her for it. Just go with it and realize, yes, I f*ed up, I deserve it. Then again, she stayed with you. Count yourself lucky that she stayed with you, honestly. I know I couldn't handle something like that.

HeartGoesOn · 06-28-2009, 11:05 PM

Trust is something that's very hard to re-build, and since you haven't been with this new girl very long, I'm not sure if she'll want to take that chance. Not to sound rude, but I would cut my losses if I were her.

She doesn't have much to build on, since you've only been together for a short time. How long ago did you split with your ex? Maybe you jumped into this too quickly without taking the time to heal?

savignon · 06-28-2009, 11:07 PM

If a guy cheated on me a few weeks into our relationship, when everything is supposed to be so fun and exciting and new and "can't keep your hands off each other", that would be the end of it for me. If I can't keep your interest for a couple of weeks, I'd hardly bother to make a lifestyle of it.

Southern · 06-28-2009, 11:15 PM

Once trust is lost, it just takes time to win it back. You've come clean, that's the first step. If y'all are very serious (as in she's "the one") you might suggest going to couples therapy to help sort out all of this and get a fresh start with her.

wandering76 · 06-28-2009, 11:18 PM

Thanks for your comments so far. One thing though, it was only melrich who has offered any substantial advice.

Yes I f**ked up. And I am extremely fortunate that she didn't leave me. However, the fact is that we are still together. I need advice relating to my current situation not what you would do in her situation because (to be honest) it's irrelevant.

Southern · 06-28-2009, 11:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wandering76

Thanks for your comments so far. One thing though, it was only melrich who has offered any substantial advice.

Yes I f**ked up. And I am extremely fortunate that she didn't leave me. However, the fact is that we are still together. I need advice relating to my current situation not what you would do in her situation because (to be honest) it's irrelevant.

Well I mean there's not much that you can do. You cheated, and now you've gotta walk the line. Just be totally honest with her. She's going to be scrutinizing over your every move for quite some time, because she doesn't trust you. Just be patient and understanding when she interrogates you, stay as far out of trouble as you can, and I suggest you keep a distance between you and your ex.

indigo777 · 06-28-2009, 11:30 PM

I think it takes much, much, much longer than 6 weeks.

I think it helps if you are as open and transparent with her as possible (ie don't have a secret anything.. not an email account.. or a phone.. I don't mean go give her all the passwords without her even asking, I just mean don't be secretive about the way you use those communication devices)..

..and just keep making a continuous effort to show her you love her and can be trusted.

.. And don't ever make her feel pressured to "get over" it. Respect that the time frame it takes people differs in a big way and she's entitled to take as long as she needs. Don't ever make her feel rushed about that. Don't make her feel bad or guilty about having the feelings she has.

Don't make her feel like she is burdening you with her feelings.

Just.. be kind, compassionate, patient and understanding. All. The. Time.

wandering76 · 06-28-2009, 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Southern

Well I mean there's not much that you can do. You cheated, and now you've gotta walk the line. Just be totally honest with her. She's going to be scrutinizing over your every move for quite some time, because she doesn't trust you. Just be patient and understanding when she interrogates you, stay as far out of trouble as you can, and I suggest you keep a distance between you and your ex.

Thanks, and don't worry- I'm staying as far away from my ex as possible. By the way I wasn't including you in the comments that were to my mind irrelevant. Your comment was posted while I was still writing.

06-28-2009, 10:44 PM	#1
wandering76 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 5	I cheated-can we ever move on? Hi, A few weeks after I began dating a wonderful girl I cheated on her with my ex (one time only, and I admitted it within days). My girlfriend was worried about my ex right from the start of our relationship and yet for a reason even I don't fully understand it still happened. I've tried to be as honest as possible about it and realised that there is no point trying to make excuses or anything. Anyway the point is I really love my girlfriend and that grows every day. My infidelity happened 6 weeks ago and it is still a major obstacle between us. Obviously I don't expect my gf to just put it past her and forget about it but it seems that nothing I do can help to rebuild her trust. I just want to know if there is anything I can do to help rebuild her trust, or whether I should just accept that it will take time? It drives me nuts that this terrible thing is between us and I am worried that maybe it will always be there, especially when I haven't felt this way about anyone for 10 years.

06-28-2009, 11:05 PM	#4
HeartGoesOn Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Massachusetts Gender: Female Posts: 2,660	Trust is something that's very hard to re-build, and since you haven't been with this new girl very long, I'm not sure if she'll want to take that chance. Not to sound rude, but I would cut my losses if I were her. She doesn't have much to build on, since you've only been together for a short time. How long ago did you split with your ex? Maybe you jumped into this too quickly without taking the time to heal? __________________ ~ Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance... I hope you dance. ~

06-28-2009, 11:07 PM	#5
savignon Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: USA Gender: Female Posts: 1,533	If a guy cheated on me a few weeks into our relationship, when everything is supposed to be so fun and exciting and new and "can't keep your hands off each other", that would be the end of it for me. If I can't keep your interest for a couple of weeks, I'd hardly bother to make a lifestyle of it. __________________ "It'll all be okay in the end....so if it's not okay, it's not the end." -Unknown

06-28-2009, 11:15 PM	#6
Southern Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 1,231	Once trust is lost, it just takes time to win it back. You've come clean, that's the first step. If y'all are very serious (as in she's "the one") you might suggest going to couples therapy to help sort out all of this and get a fresh start with her. __________________ "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

06-28-2009, 11:30 PM	#9
indigo777 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 1,475	I think it takes much, much, much longer than 6 weeks. I think it helps if you are as open and transparent with her as possible (ie don't have a secret anything.. not an email account.. or a phone.. I don't mean go give her all the passwords without her even asking, I just mean don't be secretive about the way you use those communication devices).. ..and just keep making a continuous effort to show her you love her and can be trusted. .. And don't ever make her feel pressured to "get over" it. Respect that the time frame it takes people differs in a big way and she's entitled to take as long as she needs. Don't ever make her feel rushed about that. Don't make her feel bad or guilty about having the feelings she has. Don't make her feel like she is burdening you with her feelings. Just.. be kind, compassionate, patient and understanding. All. The. Time. __________________ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Love is the answer.

06-28-2009, 10:52 PM	#2
melrich Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2003 Gender: Male Posts: 8,503	It will take time and that little niggle in her brain may never completely disappear. All I can advise is that you be completely transparent with her because she will be looking for ANY sign that you are being untrustworthy for some time yet.

06-28-2009, 10:57 PM	#3
melanie6929 Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: California Gender: Female Posts: 66	You haven't felt this way about someone in 10 years, yet you cheated on this person? I figured if you felt so greatly about her, the last thing you'd do is cheat. Anyways, it happened so what's done is done. Don't speed up the process, because nothing you do is going to make her heal faster. It's all up to her. She might not get over it, only time will tell. You just gotta be there for her and deal with the "off days". She'll be moody, maybe even angry at you somedays. Whatever you do, don't get mad at her for it. Just go with it and realize, yes, I f*ed up, I deserve it. Then again, she stayed with you. Count yourself lucky that she stayed with you, honestly. I know I couldn't handle something like that.

06-28-2009, 11:18 PM	#7
wandering76 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 5	Thanks for your comments so far. One thing though, it was only melrich who has offered any substantial advice. Yes I f**ked up. And I am extremely fortunate that she didn't leave me. However, the fact is that we are still together. I need advice relating to my current situation not what you would do in her situation because (to be honest) it's irrelevant.