Not sure he loves me anymore/another girl

[kbanpa]

My husband and I have been married almost 7 years and together for 10 years. I was his first real girlfriend so he really has no experience before me. He is 28 and I'm 26. I have always thought we had a wonderful relationship, until about 2 years ago. Shortly after our second child was born things changed. He seemed to become jealous over the kids. When our baby was 7 months old he began talking to another girl. Young girl. She was only 19 and at the time he was 26. For the most part they only talked on the phone, but one night they went to watch football and he kissed her goodnight.

When I found out about it, he denied it at first, but then confessed. He said it was nice to talk to someone and get attention. He said he was not physically attracted to her, he just wanted to know that he still "had it".

After we worked through that things seemed to get better. I had been very mean to him because I felt like he wasn't bonding with our baby so I ignored him for the most part. We were rarely having sex (like maybe once a month). After this all came out I worked very hard to change the way I was acting. Things were going good! That was in Dec of 07.


From then on we had a very active, great sex life. Having sex daily, if not twice a day. Then in July of 08, I got pregnant again. Completely unexpected. Then soon after my husband was injured at work (he is still off work due to the injury-9 months later). In Dec of 08, I had a feeling something was going on again. He was acting distant and short with me. He had been very stressed because of his injury, feeling as though he couldn't provide for us, stressed because we were having another baby, worried that his employer would fire him, etc.

So I asked him one day if he was happy. He said no. He told me he didn't feel as attracted to me anymore. I asked him over and over if there was someone else and he kept saying no. That was on a Friday. We went on all weekend like that. He kept saying he didn't know if he wanted to be married to me anymore. Well finally on Sunday I told him I couldn't take it anymore and needed to know. He said he wanted to make it work.

Then Monday night he went to watch football. I thought it was with a guy friend. Well Tuesday he was acting extremely strange. I finally got it out of him and he told me he had feeling for another girl and that he was watching football with her the night before and that they kissed all night. OMG. I was stunned. I was so mad at him. I asked him to leave. He got really upset, said he was sorry and he would never do it again, etc. I let him stay.

This girl is 22. Very pretty, tiny, perfect body, blond. He was having to do physical therapy because of his injury and she worked at his physical therapy place. So he was seeing her 3 times a week for about 2 hours each time.

His therapy had ended and things seemed to be good again. Then he had to have surgery and had to start therapy again. He began therapy again in March 09.

Every day when he would leave for therapy I would be so upset and worried that things would start again. I was constantly questioning him about it. I told him I didn't want him talking to her ever.

Our baby was born in April 09. Shortly after his dr had him start going to therapy daily. That's when it got really bad for me. I was always upset, worrying about him and this other girl. I would ask him just about daily if he talked to her and if he was talking to her, etc.

Well 3 weeks ago he was acting really strange so I asked him what was going on. He let it all out. He said he feels like a bad dad and thinks he would be a better dad if he only saw our kids every so often. He said he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. He said he wasn't happy and didn't know if he could ever be happy with me. He told me he still had feeling for that girl. He swore nothing was happening, but that he wanted something to happen.

I was stunned. I thought things were going well. So I took the kids and left. We were only gone a day because I decided this was their home he could leave. So we came home and he left. The entire time he was gone he was constantly texting and calling me.

He told me the night I left was really hard on him, but the next day had been great. He got to sleep in and wake up when he wanted. He had no responsibilities and could just come and go as he wanted and he loved it. He said he didn't miss me or our kids at all. Nice.

That day a friend called his therapy place and told them one of their employees was messing around with a patient. They were not happy. It is a Christan based environment and that was not ok. The next day when he went to therapy I knew they were going to say something to him.

He called me after his therapy and told me his therapist confronted him and told him of his disapproval, because he was married with 3 small kids. He said he wanted to come home. He didn't think he could handle the kids all alone and didn't think I could either.

Once home I asked him if he thought we could work this out. He said yes. I told him it was going to take a lot of work and asked him if he was willing and he said "It depends on how much work" He said he is always looking at other girls and imagining doing things with them and he didn't know if he could stop. He said he doesn't want to keep hurting me. We agreed to give it a try.

Also the minute he walked in the door he called his workers comp adjuster and demanded a new therapy place. Even told him why. So he is now at a new therapy place. So he has no contact with that girl. He never had her number. Not to mention she lives with her boyfriend.

Now the porn thing. He has always looked at porn and for the most part I am ok with it. But within the last few months he's been searching for things that pertain to that girl and it is making me extremely insecure. He searches for things like "young blond" "petite blond". I have very dark hair, I'm 5'6" and weighed 120 when I got pregnant. I was a small girl. I just had a baby so right now I am about 20 lbs heavier that that, but I still look good for just having a baby. And because I am nursing I am rather busty for my small frame.

Lately he has been searching for things like "small teen" "petite teen" "flat chested" "a-cup". It's just really upsetting me because those things are NOT what I am.

I am at a loss as what to do. He completely refuses to try counseling. We are very active in our church, but he is a new Christan so I think he is not looking to God at this time. It's been 3 weeks. The first 2 weeks I felt like he didn't want to be here. I felt like he was faking being happy and even kisses seemed fake. For the last week, he has actually seemed genuine. I just feel like I am the only one trying to make this work. I am bending over backward to try and keep him happy. He told me he wishes I would take more pride in the way I look. So now every morning I get up, put my makeup on and fix my hair, right away. I never wear "lounging" clothes anymore because I look like a lump. I feel very bad about myself. I feel like I'm not good enough and I hate that.

I realize things are not going to get better without help, but the thought of raising 3 small kids (4, 2 and 10 weeks) alone is very scary. Plus I came from a divorced family and NEVER wanted to put my kids through that.

Once again we are having a great sex life. In the last 2 years I have been very open to trying all these new things he has wanted to try. I feel like no matter what I do it will never be good enough for him.

[BlueAfterglow08]

You have to think of you now. What would make you happy? Do you want to be with him?

He sounds like a manipulative man who seems to have one foot already out of the door most of the time.

Think of yourself and the kids.

[avman]

Oh wow. That's a lot going on in your marriage. I wish I had a quick, easy answer for you but I really don't. There seems like a lot that needs to be worked through between you both.

I'd strongly recommend you get into marital counseling together. This is going to take some time to sort all this out. He should probably also get into therapy for his own issues and try to figure out why he's struggling so much with committment to the marriage. I can't tell you for sure that the marriage is going to work out, but at least if both people are willing to try that gives it a shot.

Definitely get into counseling for this. I think you need a third party helping to guide the discussions and make progress.

[kbanpa]

I want to be married to the man he once was. Divorce just seems so impossible. I quit my job to stay home with my kids over 2 years ago so I have no income. I feel like I can't provide for my kids on my own. I just want him to snap out of this. He is such a selfish man, I knew that marrying him but hoped he would outgrow it. He's an only child with a mom who thinks he can do no wrong. In fact she told him that if she was married to me she'd want a divorce too.

[savignon]

I'm wondering how you can be having "great sex" with a man who told you he loves his freedom from you and the kids, wants something to happen with this other girl, imagines doing things to other girls, has cheated on you and will work on this "depending on how much effort it takes". I'm guessing you're not being very true to yourself.
If you look back at what you wrote, you will see a pretty clear pattern of behavior. At some point (maybe not now), you will not want any part of coming in second to other women, porn, his 'freedom' and anything else he can put first.
At some point, you will write a similar post, but the final paragraph will talk about how you're DONE with this and not a continuing timeline of deciet, mistrust, cheating and deception.
You'll get there.
Best wishes.

[kbanpa]

Originally Posted by savignon

I'm wondering how you can be having "great sex" with a man who told you he loves his freedom from you and the kids, wants something to happen with this other girl, imagines doing things to other girls, has cheated on you and will work on this "depending on how much effort it takes". I'm guessing you're not being very true to yourself.
If you look back at what you wrote, you will see a pretty clear pattern of behavior. At some point (maybe not now), you will not want any part of coming in second to other women, porn, his 'freedom' and anything else he can put first.
At some point, you will write a similar post, but the final paragraph will talk about how you're DONE with this and not a continuing timeline of deciet, mistrust, cheating and deception.
You'll get there.
Best wishes.

Honestly I'm just trying to keep him happy so he'll stay. Not good I know. Those 2 days he was gone was so hard on my kids. My oldest (4) kept crying and asking for his daddy. He's used to him being here all the time since he's not been working for 9 months. I just don't know how I can go through this and try to keep my head up for my kids (mostly my oldest). Now every day when his dad leaves for therapy he cries and says "daddy please come back don't go work a long time". During those 2 days I told my kids that daddy was working. I didn't know what else to say.

[avman]

It's not the best idea to just play to him to keep him. That's not healthy for anyone including the children.

Perhaps you too should look into some individual counseling for yourself. Even if divorce happens you CAN survive and provide for your children. Don't let anyone tell you any different. No matter how the relationship turns out you are going to be ok on the other side of things.

[savignon]

Since your husband will not go to counseling, at least consider going for yourself. Imagine the resentment that will build up for you if you keep being intimate with a man who has betrayed you like this "for the sake of your kids". Or to get him to stay. Or to keep "him" happy. He has said he is not happy, did not miss you or the kids, loves his freedom, wants to do things to other girls, thinks about other girls, is not attracted to you anymore, wants something to happen with the other girl, is interested in porn, and does not want to tire himself by putting too much effort into this.
While I'm sure it's heart-wrenching to watch your children lose their father, you cannot make him interested in the responsibilities of marriage, commitment, or fatherhood.
Why not take some time to yourself (meaning kick him out again) and go to counseling on your own. While I can't say what's in the best interest of your children, I have to assume that it's not in your best interest to betray yourself in the name of trying to make an unhappy man happy. It sounds to me like he's been painfully clear in what he thinks of your marriage and family and any effort you make to 'make him stay' cannot possibly make up for his lack of effort, care, respect, responsibility or interest. A marriage is not 100% of one person and 0% of the other.
It just doesn't work that way, as you are learning in a very painful way.
He doesn't deserve to tell you these things and then still share your heart, body, spirit and home.

[avman]

Sorry I totally spaced out on the part where he refuses counseling. Ok well in that case go on your own. Sort out things in your own head and get some personal strength. Work with the counselor to determine what the next steps should be regarding the marriage and how to address the issues with your husband.

[free2Bme]

Gosh! First let me say I'm sorry you're going through this! It's the classic 'problem' of marrying your teenage sweetheart and then wondering if there's something you missed out on.

I agree with what others have said about you going to conselling, but that won't change him. It might help you to feel stronger in yourself though and come to some decisions about how to handle this awful situation!

It seems like such an easy answer to say leave him. But it's also apparent you want to make this work, for both you and the kids. It just seems like you have been trying to make it work for some time now, and he keeps letting you down.

Maybe you could have some time apart to miss each other. If he's around the house all day with you then you two must feel a little smothered. Has he got guy friends he can go out with? And you have a night out with a girl friend or two? I'm not saying it is, but if your whole life together is just you 2 and the kids....well maybe you both need to be getting out and doing different things. It won't solve the problem, but it's a start at enjoying your lives a bit more. Maybe you could have a weekend away just the 2 of you if there's someone to look after the kids, try to relight that spark.

Good luck x