Yet another story...I wish I could turn my brain off regarding her.

[Seymore]

A little backstory - I left my abusive ex 5 months ago. After the breakup, I would still pass her in traffic almost every day to and from work. In April, my best friend said that she had a message on her Facebook page saying that she was joining the marines and shipping out in 30 days. Sure enough, 30 days later, I stopped seeing her in traffic. I felt relieved that I didn't have to run into her again. A few days ago I slipped and looked at her Facebook page. It was a picture of her on a boat, somewhere foreign, it looked like.

So late last night, I'm overthinking, as usual, and it just pops into my head - my ex was in plain clothes on that boat, not a marine uniform. She was always telling me she wanted to take a cruise. I started to wonder if she didn't join and was just taking a cruise. I felt terrible. I texted Shay and asked if he was sure she said she was joining the marines and didn't just say "ship out". He said he couldn't remember. I told him I was having a rough night and that I got weak a couple days ago and checked her Facebook picture. You'd think my best friend would be of some consolation. No response. I took 2 melatonin and tried to sleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night, the picture being the first thought in my head. Then I woke up at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. I felt trapped again, like the city wasn't free for me to roam around without bumping into her. So I had enough. I got my clothes on and drove to her place, scanning the cars in the parking lot.

I came across her car. It was still there, but there was a "Support our troops" ribbon on the back of it now - and she still had her old college sticker on the window instead of the new college she would have just finished her first semester at. Her sister's (that she lived with) car was nowhere to be found. I think my ex gave her car to her sister. The Facebook message my friend saw, the fact that she disappeared after the 30-day countdown and that the ribbon was on the car all gave me more assurance and hope that it was no cruise, she's gone. Maybe marines can walk around in plain clothes at certain times, I don't know.

I drove a couple of miles to the lake where my grandpa and I fished as a kid. I had forgotten there is a war memorial there, with a seal for each branch. I stood under the Marine Corps seal and said a prayer for her, then said that's the last prayer I'm saying for her. From now on, I'm praying for me. I stood at the lake and prayed for my own peace. I had spent a few times there with my ex, but my memories of grandpa trumped them all. I then drove to work feeling SO peaceful, and here I am, an hour early.

I didn't think of it until now, but Thursday nights the sister would spend at her baby's father's place, so now's the part where I overthink and say to myself that's why her sister's car wasn't there, and my ex is still home. So maybe Monday morning I'll end up caving again and drive by there again to check if her sister's car does in fact show up, but the evidence points to my ex having joined, and for now, at least, I feel better and can sleep tonight.

I'm sorry for all these stories. I'm sorry that I bring up every little thing, just about. My best friend would just laugh , the one co-worker that understands now simply says "Love hurts" and my parents would roll their eyes. I'm having trouble understanding why I still think and OVERthink so much about someone who treated me so poorly. I'm beginning to think I need a therapist. I know there are people here with much bigger problems and I apologize for the clutter, but posting brings me some consolation. But as always, thank you so much for listening.

[COtuner]

Counseling might bring some relief, an objective ear who has seen a lot of relationships go up in smoke for various reasons. I know it helped me last year, just to help keep myself out of depression and from absorbing the blame into my already damaged dating-related self esteem.

You're not doing anything out of the ordinary - thoughts must be processed, emotions must be dealt with. The important thing is to make sure that all of this leads you to a better place eventually. I personally don't advocate any particular method of getting there, just doing gut checks to make sure you aren't getting worse or deliberately prolonging things out of false hope or masochism.

Maybe you can join our challenge thread?

[Seymore]

Thanks, COtuner. I've only slipped and looked at her Facebook picture 3 times in those 5 months (actually 5 1/2), and once was an honest-to-God, didn't expect that accident. The last 2 times were within the last week and the first time was a month after the breakup, so in between I did really well. But I will join. If I do happen to crack, I won't drive by my ex's place to check for her sister's car - I'll check her sister's boyfriend's place, since it's closer. Plus I don't want to risk running into the ex as she's leaving in the morning - should she happen to still be there. That was risky enough what I pulled this morning.

I just wish I could convince myself that IT DOESN'T MATTER. I've avoided seeking therapy for two reasons: One is that family, friends, everyone I know tells me I'm normal and these feelings are normal. I know they'd think I truly don't need help, I just need to persevere in healing. My dad of all people (one of the people I'm closest to) says that I definitely don't need it.

Second is that I'm concerned about the cost. I find myself struggling to pay bills, and in addition to that, my gas company just hit me with an almost $300 bill because of their error in meter readings for the entire year to date - they have to recoup the money because they billed me wrong all those months. So right now, I'm not sure I could afford it, even with my insurance.

Can anyone who's been in the service enlighten me on if you can wear plain clothes in the service?

[renaissancewoman101]

Seymore, I do know a few people in the service (Navy) and they can be in plain clothes when they are not on duty. They have to wear their uniforms when they are on duty

[Seymore]

Thanks, RW101. I mean, it all adds up, but I still keep nitpicking. That helps, though.

[waveseer]

Seymore, start investing in yourself and stop investing in her. Is she investing in you? No.

[annie24]

you said she's abusive? forget her. you are better off without her. i would just assume she is gone, somewhere, no matter where she is. so focus on yourself and moving on. don't worry if she is on a pleasure cruise or in the navy, doesn't matter either way.

[lavenderdove]

Counseling isn't just for 'abnormal' people, but for 'normal' people who are in distress. It is like any other service or medical treatment, whose design is to make you healthy and happy.

So deep mental problems are not a pre-requisite for therapy. If you are suffering and having a difficult time letting go and moving on, it is well worth the time and money to visit a counseling. Many people can be greatly helped by only a few sessions, and counseling nowadays is frequently short term to get past a particular issue like a breakup.

There are many sliding scale counselors that you can attend where you either pay nothing or what you can afford. Do some research in your area (county services, universities) to see if you can find some help.

But to jumpstart you, you first have to try to break your obsession. You really need to do what it takes to stop looking at her webpages, and doing things like driving around trying to find out about her. Practice thought stopping (google it) to try to gain control of the amount of time you spend thinking about her. It is easy to get stuck in a groove where your thoughts turn to her, but you can control you own thoughts if you learn some techniques to do it.

[Seymore]

Rarely did she invest in me. Part of me likes to think that she's thinking fondly of me and regretting what she did, but it doesn't matter. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I AM better off. I keep telling myself that nobody who loves anybody would treat them that way. Not even curse at them, let alone half of the other crap she pulled. What the hell do I want?

A couple of weeks ago I had a breakdown when I got home. I was so frustrated with myself that I tried to kick the table, missed and cut my leg something nasty. I almost NEVER take my frustration out like that. But like the scab that formed there, I keep picking at it. It's these nagging thoughts in my head and i can't turn them off. I've said 1,000 times I'm better off and thought of dozens upon dozens of problem moments I had with her, and STILL something compels me to "Look at her side. Empathize. Have a heart. Miss her." MISS HER? Miss THAT?

I go for walks now, talk to people, fill my time, if even with meaningless things, just to avoid thinking about it. And somehow, it knows when to creep right in. I could be going to bed after a great day and it'll pop right in. I'll find myself thinking about it without even realizing how it started.

Jeezus. All the people here over the last year and a half have told me she sounds problematic, this is a screwed up relationship...even to LEAVE. After my father told me to run and not look back. After my friends have said she's either ridiculous or they want to kick her ass now...and ALL of the above have said I DID THE RIGHT THING. Why do I have to debate it? Why do I feel the need to pick that scab even after a good day?

[annie24]

PS - are you a student or do you have health insurance? it may be covered by your plan.