Frustration, Anger And Stress :(

[InvisibleWound]

Hi Enotalone,

I am sticking this thread in emotions and feelings although it is about money, career and my relationship and stuff... I was not sure where to put it.

Ever since the middle of May I have felt very unmotivated to the point that I just stopped caring about a lot of things. I have always had an issue where I get worried, stressed and depressed for weeks at a time usually or longer or randomly it just hits me. Well lately that combined with no motivation is really hitting me hard, in the face and it hurts....

A couple days ago I was on the verge of tears realizing that I graduated in 2005 and I am nowhere in life. Sure I work at a corner store, part time, live with a boyfriend and moved in with him so everything was all set (I have no experience with truly being on my own) And ever since early high school I have never truly known what I wanted for a career. I don’t want to work at dead end jobs with crappy hours for the rest of my life... It will be a struggle. And at my rate I will be paying off credit card debt for the next 5 years or so

I have been so down lately that I have not been eating properly to be honest and have not been cleaning. Though there is a reason why I have not been cleaning... Me and my boyfriend were in agreement that NOW that I have a job too he would help with the chores. A lot of the mess is his anyways, I am pretty good about cleaning up after myself but he isn’t. I have always felt like a parent figure having to ask him to take his dishes to the sink or pick up pop bottles by his desk and stuff. Its just so sickening... Our computers are in the living room my side is clean aside from my desk being a tad unorganized. You go to his side and all you see is a heap of D&D books on the floor, chip bags, bar wrappers, dirty dishes and pop bottles and bags and so on. In fact the place even smells like onions, which we had with our supper 2 nights ago... I won’t even talk about the kitchen, it looks like it hasn’t been clean in months.

I am sure by now some of you may be thinking “Gross!” while reading this and I don’t blame you. I have not cleaned because I refuse to clean up his mess, I am not doing it anymore. Its one thing for me to do both our laundry and dishes, but the junk he leaves around the house is not my responsibility. I hardly even ask for help... I usually do all the cleaning alone. Sometimes he does the whole bathroom then he complains about it later. Its all very annoying...

2 nights ago he made supper. And we were suppose to do dishes together but it never got done. And then he said he would do them alone. I went to work and believed that.... Well I got home, he was cooking supper and only cleaned enough dishes for us to eat supper with... He left everything else sitting there. I wanted to scream, I really did. I wanted to lash out at him call him names and tell him how mad I was at him but didn’t. Oh and the supper he made was the first one he cooked in probably 3 weeks. I usually make supper now...

I don’t even know where my future is going with him, I really don’t. He works at Burger King and by the looks of it plans on staying there along time. He looks at life as “As long as you have a job and 40 hours a week, its fine” Which it is I guess, but I really thought he might have more ambition but I guess not... And I have no issue with him working there, its just if you think about it staying there means the longer it takes for us to try and buy new furniture together, new bed, even having a house someday would be nice.

We do need a new couch, its broken quite literally.... Ask for the bed its to small, it’s a single bed, 2 overweight people in that bed suck, especially in the summer.

I do love my boyfriend but less than I use to and he knows this. During one of our talks I told him I loved him less because of all things that happen and the things that do not change. I also told him more than likely I would continue loving him less if certain areas of our relationship do not change.

Can anyone tell me if I am being unreasonable? This is what I would like see him change...

- Start taking dirty dishes to the sink
- Not leave dirty clothes in the living room, put them in the bedroom
- Clean up after cooking
- Help with chores (sweeping, mopping, dusting, dishes)
- Cook more often
- Do laundry alone (I have been doing the lundry by myself ever since I moved in. And I do both our laundry. It is not often that I ask him to help with it)
- Make an effort to spend more time with me

In my honest opinion I think there is nothing wrong with that list. I will tell you what is wrong though, that fact that I feel like his parent, I really do...
I am sick of doing it all alone and he told me he would start helping and he really has not and I have been working since late April... My job might be less than his and crap but I am trying...

I am so sorry for how long this is but I am so depressed about it all. On top of this crap I sort of feel trapped being here.... I told my boyfriend about how I feel like I accomplished nothing since I graduated. So I told him that maybe I could try and study something through correspondence and work at the same time. I asked him what he thought about and he had no opinion and said he didn’t know. Yes I was upset because I was looking for support mainly but he seemed to show no interest and I figure its because he has no plans of trying study something and go for a different career...

And our main issue is the fact that we do not spend time together, sometimes we play WoW together but he plays it a lot mroe than me, I can go for days, weeks at a time of not playing, and if I do play on a day off its ussually no more than 6 hours if there is nothing to do. I use to play it 10 + hours a day at one point, I am sure I broke my addiction though. He on the other hand could play that game from the time he gets off work until ge goes to bed, then all day his days off... This has been an issue for a long time now. The only other thing we did was go to the beach a month ago together but even that trip kind of sucked... We live together as if were roomates/ occasional f*ck buddies We use to spend more time together but it seems to lessen...

I don’t know what to do. I have thought of taking a break before but I honestly don’t see the point in it. I have thought of breaking up but don’t know if I am ready. He tells me things will change to give him time, etc... How much time does a person need? We have been together for almost 3 years, these issues started within the first 2...

If I stay I continue to feel like crap and wait for change. Other than that he is a good boyfriend,usually treats me good anyways. If I leave it will hurt and be painful and I would have nowhere to turn except for my parents place. Living there also is depressing because a lot of stuff goes on that is quite stressful. I just feel so lost. And the whole unmotivated issue is not helping. I don’t know what my problem is, I cry sometimes or write to help ease the pain a bit, but still feel the same in the end...

[Catdancer]

First off, get off your butt and clean up that gross house! Open the windows and let some fresh air in. Pick up all the trash and crap that he leaves around. Then when he gets home, ask him "doesnt this look so nice?" Then ask him to help keep the stuff picked up. I had the exact same complaints about my bf when I moved in back in August of last year. Exactly how did a stack of dirty underwear end up on the piano?? even my bf doesnt know! lol

I went through and cleaned my butt off. That place was beautiful. Then I said, now, it's up to BOTH of us to keep it this way. To be honest, I just deal with it. My bf has gotten alot better. I still find shoes, socks and hats all over the living room at times, but he is alot better about trying to put stuff away and putting dirty dishes away.

I still nag him about stuff. Like when he hang a wet towel on the closet door knob in the bedroom, I'm like..."ahem!!" and he will put it on the rack in the bathroom. He just doesnt think about it.

I got really frustrated at first. And honestly, I had to decide if I could give a little more and pick up after him or if it was just too much for me to handle that I had to leave.

My relationship with him is great and we are both very happy. Giving up our life together is not more important than picking up after him. So, I remind him to put his stuff away, I pick up after him about 2 times a week and the rest I let go. I cant afford to let something so trivial be the end of us.

[Kumatora]

Originally Posted by InvisibleWound

I have been so down lately that I have not been eating properly to be honest and have not been cleaning. Though there is a reason why I have not been cleaning... Me and my boyfriend were in agreement that NOW that I have a job too he would help with the chores. A lot of the mess is his anyways, I am pretty good about cleaning up after myself but he isn’t. I have always felt like a parent figure having to ask him to take his dishes to the sink or pick up pop bottles by his desk and stuff. Its just so sickening... Our computers are in the living room my side is clean aside from my desk being a tad unorganized. You go to his side and all you see is a heap of D&D books on the floor, chip bags, bar wrappers, dirty dishes and pop bottles and bags and so on. In fact the place even smells like onions, which we had with our supper 2 nights ago... I won’t even talk about the kitchen, it looks like it hasn’t been clean in months.
...
2 nights ago he made supper. And we were suppose to do dishes together but it never got done. And then he said he would do them alone. I went to work and believed that.... Well I got home, he was cooking supper and only cleaned enough dishes for us to eat supper with... He left everything else sitting there. I wanted to scream, I really did. I wanted to lash out at him call him names and tell him how mad I was at him but didn’t. Oh and the supper he made was the first one he cooked in probably 3 weeks. I usually make supper now...

Have you both talked about splitting the chores BEFORE moving in. That should of been one of the things discussed before making the decision... or it's congratulations, you got yourself a sloppy roommate! Do the cleaning for ONCE, sit him down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him about splitting the house chores. Both of you need to work that out or more problems will arise. If he's not going to help, then you now have a better idea what KIND of a person he will be... if you guys marry!

Originally Posted by InvisibleWound

I don’t even know where my future is going with him, I really don’t. He works at Burger King and by the looks of it plans on staying there along time. He looks at life as “As long as you have a job and 40 hours a week, its fine” Which it is I guess, but I really thought he might have more ambition but I guess not...
...
And our main issue is the fact that we do not spend time together, sometimes we play WoW together but he plays it a lot mroe than me, I can go for days, weeks at a time of not playing, and if I do play on a day off its ussually no more than 6 hours if there is nothing to do. I use to play it 10 + hours a day at one point, I am sure I broke my addiction though. He on the other hand could play that game from the time he gets off work until ge goes to bed, then all day his days off... This has been an issue for a long time now. The only other thing we did was go to the beach a month ago together but even that trip kind of sucked... We live together as if were roomates/ occasional f*ck buddies

Like you said, this guy lacks a LOT of motivation and ambition. You want to move up... he wants to stay at a fast food place for the rest of his life it seems. PLUS he's addicted to video games and doesn't get off his lazy ass to make better improvements with his life. Are you happy with his choice? If not I suggest you move out and end the relationship. Your SO will not change for you... only for himself.

I'll be honest with you... my SO and I didn't play WoW, but we played Final Fantasy XI. It's the same type of game as WoW and my boyfriend at the time was ADDICTED to playing it too. He didn't try his best in college or look for a part time job. There were other reasons why he lacked motivation, but FFXI was a contributing factor. I walked from the relationship for over a year and it gave him a wake up call that I was done with his habits. I had college to finish and I was afraid of settling down with a BOY who couldn't break away from his gaming habits and let it dictate his life. He finally changed for himself, limits his gaming time, and is now finishing medical school! We have been back together after I saw he changed for himself...

I don't know if this will work for your boyfriend, but it is a story to share how online MMO based games or any addictive video games have killed relationships for people. Mine had a "Happily Ever After" result because HE made the change and prove he is more responsible and is serious about making adjustments to enhance his lifestyle and future relationship. We have been together for 4 years now, excluding the year we took apart. Your boyfriend may (and probably) not do the same as my boyfriend did... I wouldn't count on it due to what you said about him being happy working at Burger King. Like any other addiction, you learn to limit yourself and fulfill personal responsibilities. It seems that you're the only one who has come to your senses and wants to move up. Good for you. I hope he has those same ambitions someday, but the rate he's going, he is "comfortable" with his situation and environment he establish. He's got a girlfriend he can see everyday, a job, and his video games. He lives like a child with a girlfriend who caters him like a single mother. It's time for him to grow the hell up.

Originally Posted by InvisibleWound

If I stay I continue to feel like crap and wait for change.

Honey, he is not going to change. Not for you. You basically listed all the red flags of why you need to move on and away from this guy. I am very sorry moving in did not work out, but clear communication before moving in is the key to make this kind of relationship successful. There is no communication and your boyfriend is more concerned for himself than he is for you. IMO, it's time to leave.

[InvisibleWound]

Originally Posted by Catdancer

First off, get off your butt and clean up that gross house! Open the windows and let some fresh air in. Pick up all the trash and crap that he leaves around. Then when he gets home, ask him "doesnt this look so nice?" Then ask him to help keep the stuff picked up. I had the exact same complaints about my bf when I moved in back in August of last year. Exactly how did a stack of dirty underwear end up on the piano?? even my bf doesnt know! lol

I went through and cleaned my butt off. That place was beautiful. Then I said, now, it's up to BOTH of us to keep it this way. To be honest, I just deal with it. My bf has gotten alot better. I still find shoes, socks and hats all over the living room at times, but he is alot better about trying to put stuff away and putting dirty dishes away.

I still nag him about stuff. Like when he hang a wet towel on the closet door knob in the bedroom, I'm like..."ahem!!" and he will put it on the rack in the bathroom. He just doesnt think about it.

I got really frustrated at first. And honestly, I had to decide if I could give a little more and pick up after him or if it was just too much for me to handle that I had to leave.

My relationship with him is great and we are both very happy. Giving up our life together is not more important than picking up after him. So, I remind him to put his stuff away, I pick up after him about 2 times a week and the rest I let go. I cant afford to let something so trivial be the end of us.

Well I plan on cleaning today.... Its so messy I can't cook anything so I have no choice but to clean up! This is what bugs me though he has come home from work quite a few times to a clean apartment that he just goes and messes up again. From time to time he cleans up his mess other times he just lets it sit there for days.... It is very, very.... Annoying!

My boyfriend knows it is up to both of us to keep the place clean but he just doesn't care. Hes lazy. I understand when he gets off from a hard shift he wants to rest, I am the same way, but sometimes it just really gets out of hand. And can be just so depressing. Here I am cleaning my butt off on my day off yet he can't. Even if I ask him to help or do something with a "please" he doesn't...

I don't want to see my relationship end over something so stupid but I can't do it anymore, I can't. I look at my mom and she has done so much for my dad in their 22 years of marriage. She does nearly all the cooking and cleaning. He very very rarely helps plus he is always on her back asking for something, shes like a maid. Their situation may be a different in the sense that he works and she doesn't. But she helps and does all the house work so she does work in that sense. I just don't want to end up like her, I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

We both have jobs, and we both should be dealing with this crap equally. Like I said though we have quite a few other relationship problems, its not just this that needs fixing...

[InvisibleWound]

Have you both talked about splitting the chores BEFORE moving in. That should of been one of the things discussed before making the decision... or it's congratulations, you got yourself a sloppy roommate! Do the cleaning for ONCE, sit him down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him about splitting the house chores. Both of you need to work that out or more problems will arise. If he's not going to help, then you now have a better idea what KIND of a person he will be... if you guys marry!

Acctually before I moved we agreed that I would clean and he would cook. We both had higher paying jobs then and such. I learned to cook eventually though and now I deal with both mostly. We never will marry, we just want to live together as common law I guess.... Anyhow yeah I know more problems will arise and many more already have as already mentioned in prior post about sex issues and him not spending time with me...

Like you said, this guy lacks a LOT of motivation and ambition. You want to move up... he wants to stay at a fast food place for the rest of his life it seems. PLUS he's addicted to video games and doesn't get off his lazy ass to make better improvements with his life. Are you happy with his choice? If not I suggest you move out and end the relationship. Your SO will not change for you... only for himself.

No I am not happy with his choice. Honestly if he wants to stay at fast foods then fine, but he could at least help with the chores. We both work and both know how to cook and clean. I am sick of being a parent figure to him.... He needs to get back into cleaning. Before I moved in he did it all alone for a year but now its like the end of the world to him if he has to help with something....

I'll be honest with you... my SO and I didn't play WoW, but we played Final Fantasy XI. It's the same type of game as WoW and my boyfriend at the time was ADDICTED to playing it too. He didn't try his best in college or look for a part time job. There were other reasons why he lacked motivation, but FFXI was a contributing factor. I walked from the relationship for over a year and it gave him a wake up call that I was done with his habits. I had college to finish and I was afraid of settling down with a BOY who couldn't break away from his gaming habits and let it dictate his life. He finally changed for himself, limits his gaming time, and is now finishing medical school! We have been back together after I saw he changed for himself...

I am happy to hear that your boyfriend has changed. I wish mine would. We have been through probably 20 talks or more, Sept 23rd will be 3 years for us that seems kind of ridicules to have that many talks with someone. It was always me, yes, but so many things that go on I can't seem to deal with or enjoy anymore.

I don't know if this will work for your boyfriend, but it is a story to share how online MMO based games or any addictive video games have killed relationships for people. Mine had a "Happily Ever After" result because HE made the change and prove he is more responsible and is serious about making adjustments to enhance his lifestyle and future relationship. We have been together for 4 years now, excluding the year we took apart. Your boyfriend may (and probably) not do the same as my boyfriend did... I wouldn't count on it due to what you said about him being happy working at Burger King. Like any other addiction, you learn to limit yourself and fulfill personal responsibilities. It seems that you're the only one who has come to your senses and wants to move up. Good for you. I hope he has those same ambitions someday, but the rate he's going, he is "comfortable" with his situation and environment he establish. He's got a girlfriend he can see everyday, a job, and his video games. He lives like a child with a girlfriend who caters him like a single mother. It's time for him to grow the hell up.

We both have heard many stories of MMO breaking people up and ruining lifes.... He says hes not addicted but its BS! to me. I still play but not everyday and not from the time I get home and go to bed.... I would like to see him have some ambition someday too.... And as harsh as it is I agree with you I really do feel like a single mom catering to his every need....

Honey, he is not going to change. Not for you. You basically listed all the red flags of why you need to move on and away from this guy. I am very sorry moving in did not work out, but clear communication before moving in is the key to make this kind of relationship successful. There is no communication and your boyfriend is more concerned for himself than he is for you. IMO, it's time to leave.

I have had many people tell me I should I leave, and I probably should. I want so bad for it to work between us but I don't think I have it in me to continue trying if he won't either

Anyhow thank you both for the advice, I am thinking of having a major talk with him on his next day off and just telling him that I am leaving if we don make the changes together....