How to deal with weddings...

bzborow1 · 06-09-2009, 06:03 PM

Hi guys,

I have a question for you guys, I'm recently engaged and starting to sense some potential family conflicts regarding the wedding planning. I'm sure this is not a new topic, so I'm hoping for some guidance through the minefield. My GF's parent's combined income is probably about 400k/year, however my parents make significantly less than that, though they still make decent money.

The problem I can see coming up in the future is about wedding extravagance. My fiance's mother I can tell already has some pretty expensive tastes (country club, plated dinner vs. buffet, etc.), so I can tell costs are going to skyrocket as a result. The problem is that I know my parents aren't going to be able to afford to fund this type of an event, specially after they've recently committed to rebuilding their kitchen (prior to engagement). My GF tends to just do what her parents suggest, which is fine, but I can tell she's expecting my parents to foot half the bill.

Basically, how the heck do you approach a situation where one's extravagant tastes for a wedding can't be matched budget-wise from my side of the family? I want to give my spouse the wedding she deserves, however I know my parents can't afford half of what they have planned. When I've tried to mention this to my spouse I get met with "he can build a kitchen, there's no reason he can't pay half....my parents shouldn't be paying more..."

I've talked to my dad about some potential wedding plans in advance of a family meeting, and he's responded with "you want to be the man of the household right?"

Basically, I don't really know how I'm supposed handle this....

Crazyaboutdogs · 06-09-2009, 06:17 PM

It is time you sit your fiancé down and explain the facts of life and finances to her. I think what concerns me is her spoiled rich kid attitude which does not bode well for your marriage. You work within your finances and you have to be firm about what is affordable...she also needs to be firm with her parents. If this wedding is going to cause strife because she will side with her parents and expect you and your family to fork out the $$$ that you can't afford then there will likely be other spoiled hissy fits from her regarding spending. Does she have any money on her own? If she wants an extravagant wedding and her parents want to pay for it that is their business, but you and your parents need to work within your budgets...and your parents are entitled to re-do their kitchen without bratty comments from your fiancé.

I would suggest specifically having everything in writing as to what your parents can afford. What you don't want to happen is her parents go crazy with spending and then send a bill to your parents expecting to cough up above and beyond what your parents can afford. Have it all written out so that you have written proof of how much your parents have agreed they can afford.

anggrace · 06-09-2009, 06:36 PM

Like CAD suggested, my parents told us ahead of time what they were able to comfortably spend and my fiances parents did the same. It didn't matter who spent what, it was just added together to determine what kind of help we had. We then payed for the rest. Do you think your girlfriend would be willing to do that?

Capricorn3 · 06-09-2009, 06:44 PM

My daughter is getting married in September and we told her at the very beginning what we could afford. We gave her the figure and she knows we'll stand by it. I have no idea how much (if any) her fiance's parents will be contributing, but whatever monies they don't have from the parents, they are footing the bill themselves and are quite happy with it.

If you are marrying this girl then you should be at a stage where you are comfortable enough to discuss these things in an adult fashion. Tell her exactly what you told us here. If that results in a hissy fit and major arguments, then I would suggest you put your wedding plans on hold until both sides can resolve these issues.

indigo777 · 06-09-2009, 06:54 PM

Tell her that you feel like you two should both be paying for the wedding, not either of your parents. That should keep things modest, right?

**annie24** · 06-09-2009, 07:16 PM

OP - i think you should talk to your gf about what kind of wedding you want, don't start dreaming up nightmare scenarios on your head. decide how much you want to spend on the wedding, vs. how much you want to spend on a downpayment for a first home, etc..... i wouldn't assume anyone is paying for the wedding besides you two right now.

since you both are in your late 20s, i don't see why your parents should be automatically footing the bill. besides, if she wants to bring up traditions, point out to her that the bride's family traditionally pays for the wedding!

Aurian · 06-09-2009, 07:20 PM

I was just wondering that.... you`re both adults, right? Your parents should pay only what they WISH to pay, as a GIFT, not as an obligation.

If you (or your fiancee) want something more extravagant than what both sets of parents are offering, you`ll either need to fund the difference yourselves or cut back on some things.

You can have perfectly lovely weddings without bankrupting 3 families (her parents, your parents and yourselves!).

**annie24** · 06-09-2009, 07:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anggrace

Like CAD suggested, my parents told us ahead of time what they were able to comfortably spend and my fiances parents did the same. It didn't matter who spent what, it was just added together to determine what kind of help we had. We then payed for the rest. Do you think your girlfriend would be willing to do that?

i agree that maybe the parents should just state up front how much they are comfortable with contributing towards the wedding and take things from there.....

shikashika · 06-09-2009, 07:24 PM

ugh... I would feel horrible asking my parents to foot the bill for my wedding.

Like another poster said, you are in your late twenties... Isn't this the time when you should be giving a bit back to yoru parents?

If they offer, it's a nice gesture, but that's it. I certainly wouldn't demand anything of them or demnad someone pay a certain amount.

Even if her parents are wealthy, that doesn't mean they should be forced to pay for their adult children.

bzborow1 · 06-10-2009, 09:50 AM

Thanks for the advice everyone!

My spouse is one of those people who's used to having things paid for, whereas I've always paid for things on my own. My dad offered a $1000, which I view as a welcome gift, but she blew up calling it an embarassment. Needless to say that caused me to blow up at her calling her a spoiled brat and if she wanted a wedding then:

a) it shouldn't be a function of who's paying the most
b) she needs to end the negative talk about my family immediately
c) she needs to get on board with a plan we can work with

As far as finances I am trying to keep these finances as low as possible because she is a student still (medicine), there are other stuff hindering us financially such as buying a house and then a year later her getting into med school...etc..

Anyhow, part of me gets this uneasy feeling that she is one of those who just doesn't "get it". People having to pay their own way.

Later on that evening I was talking about adding a couple of guests to the list and she commented, "well then your dad is going to have to cough up more"...which lead to another huge argument. I told her that is a bull* * * * response and if I can't have a wedding where I get to invite people I want then I don't want that wedding.

I think my best course of action is simply to get a guest list I'm comfortable with and if she's going to continue this line I might have to reconsider this whole experience.

06-09-2009, 06:03 PM	#1
bzborow1 Offline Member Join Date: May 2003 Age: 29 Posts: 917	How to deal with weddings... Hi guys, I have a question for you guys, I'm recently engaged and starting to sense some potential family conflicts regarding the wedding planning. I'm sure this is not a new topic, so I'm hoping for some guidance through the minefield. My GF's parent's combined income is probably about 400k/year, however my parents make significantly less than that, though they still make decent money. The problem I can see coming up in the future is about wedding extravagance. My fiance's mother I can tell already has some pretty expensive tastes (country club, plated dinner vs. buffet, etc.), so I can tell costs are going to skyrocket as a result. The problem is that I know my parents aren't going to be able to afford to fund this type of an event, specially after they've recently committed to rebuilding their kitchen (prior to engagement). My GF tends to just do what her parents suggest, which is fine, but I can tell she's expecting my parents to foot half the bill. Basically, how the heck do you approach a situation where one's extravagant tastes for a wedding can't be matched budget-wise from my side of the family? I want to give my spouse the wedding she deserves, however I know my parents can't afford half of what they have planned. When I've tried to mention this to my spouse I get met with "he can build a kitchen, there's no reason he can't pay half....my parents shouldn't be paying more..." I've talked to my dad about some potential wedding plans in advance of a family meeting, and he's responded with "you want to be the man of the household right?" Basically, I don't really know how I'm supposed handle this....

06-09-2009, 06:17 PM	#2
Crazyaboutdogs Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,627	It is time you sit your fiancé down and explain the facts of life and finances to her. I think what concerns me is her spoiled rich kid attitude which does not bode well for your marriage. You work within your finances and you have to be firm about what is affordable...she also needs to be firm with her parents. If this wedding is going to cause strife because she will side with her parents and expect you and your family to fork out the $$$ that you can't afford then there will likely be other spoiled hissy fits from her regarding spending. Does she have any money on her own? If she wants an extravagant wedding and her parents want to pay for it that is their business, but you and your parents need to work within your budgets...and your parents are entitled to re-do their kitchen without bratty comments from your fiancé. I would suggest specifically having everything in writing as to what your parents can afford. What you don't want to happen is her parents go crazy with spending and then send a bill to your parents expecting to cough up above and beyond what your parents can afford. Have it all written out so that you have written proof of how much your parents have agreed they can afford. Last edited by Crazyaboutdogs; 06-09-2009 at 06:23 PM.

06-09-2009, 06:44 PM	#4
Capricorn3 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 1,618	My daughter is getting married in September and we told her at the very beginning what we could afford. We gave her the figure and she knows we'll stand by it. I have no idea how much (if any) her fiance's parents will be contributing, but whatever monies they don't have from the parents, they are footing the bill themselves and are quite happy with it. If you are marrying this girl then you should be at a stage where you are comfortable enough to discuss these things in an adult fashion. Tell her exactly what you told us here. If that results in a hissy fit and major arguments, then I would suggest you put your wedding plans on hold until both sides can resolve these issues. __________________ The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

06-09-2009, 06:54 PM	#5
indigo777 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 1,475	Tell her that you feel like you two should both be paying for the wedding, not either of your parents. That should keep things modest, right? __________________ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Love is the answer.

06-09-2009, 07:20 PM	#7
Aurian Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Vancouver, Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 2,364	I was just wondering that.... you`re both adults, right? Your parents should pay only what they WISH to pay, as a GIFT, not as an obligation. If you (or your fiancee) want something more extravagant than what both sets of parents are offering, you`ll either need to fund the difference yourselves or cut back on some things. You can have perfectly lovely weddings without bankrupting 3 families (her parents, your parents and yourselves!). __________________ How to spot a loser and understanding the abused victim: http://www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm Excellent articles!

06-09-2009, 06:36 PM	#3
anggrace Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Gender: Female Age: 32 Posts: 1,883	Like CAD suggested, my parents told us ahead of time what they were able to comfortably spend and my fiances parents did the same. It didn't matter who spent what, it was just added together to determine what kind of help we had. We then payed for the rest. Do you think your girlfriend would be willing to do that?

06-09-2009, 07:16 PM	#6
annie24 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,814	OP - i think you should talk to your gf about what kind of wedding you want, don't start dreaming up nightmare scenarios on your head. decide how much you want to spend on the wedding, vs. how much you want to spend on a downpayment for a first home, etc..... i wouldn't assume anyone is paying for the wedding besides you two right now. since you both are in your late 20s, i don't see why your parents should be automatically footing the bill. besides, if she wants to bring up traditions, point out to her that the bride's family traditionally pays for the wedding!

06-09-2009, 07:24 PM	#9
shikashika Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Gender: Female Age: 32 Posts: 5,297	ugh... I would feel horrible asking my parents to foot the bill for my wedding. Like another poster said, you are in your late twenties... Isn't this the time when you should be giving a bit back to yoru parents? If they offer, it's a nice gesture, but that's it. I certainly wouldn't demand anything of them or demnad someone pay a certain amount. Even if her parents are wealthy, that doesn't mean they should be forced to pay for their adult children.

06-10-2009, 09:50 AM	#10
bzborow1 Offline Member Join Date: May 2003 Age: 29 Posts: 917	Thanks for the advice everyone! My spouse is one of those people who's used to having things paid for, whereas I've always paid for things on my own. My dad offered a $1000, which I view as a welcome gift, but she blew up calling it an embarassment. Needless to say that caused me to blow up at her calling her a spoiled brat and if she wanted a wedding then: a) it shouldn't be a function of who's paying the most b) she needs to end the negative talk about my family immediately c) she needs to get on board with a plan we can work with As far as finances I am trying to keep these finances as low as possible because she is a student still (medicine), there are other stuff hindering us financially such as buying a house and then a year later her getting into med school...etc.. Anyhow, part of me gets this uneasy feeling that she is one of those who just doesn't "get it". People having to pay their own way. Later on that evening I was talking about adding a couple of guests to the list and she commented, "well then your dad is going to have to cough up more"...which lead to another huge argument. I told her that is a bull* * * * response and if I can't have a wedding where I get to invite people I want then I don't want that wedding. I think my best course of action is simply to get a guest list I'm comfortable with and if she's going to continue this line I might have to reconsider this whole experience.