Intimacy Problems

krolden · 06-03-2009, 12:22 AM

First time poster, I found this website and decided to ask a question to get some help with a problem I have been having.

I am 29 and have been married for 5 years to a woman from Japan who is one year older than me. Over the years we have had some massive problems and I have seriously considered divorce but she wants to work it out. Some issues we are having is that she doesn't want to leave Japan, and has a distaste for America and American culture.

But the bigger issue I see is the whole intimacy issue. In the beginning she was very intimate but now not so much. Our sex life is "predictable". Same positions nothing new, I get her fancy lingerie and compliment her all the time but nothing. We never try anything new. We tried anal once and she said she hated it and never wanted to do it again. Then she never kisses me because she says my breath smells or I need to shave. Granted my grooming habits aren't the best I try to stay on top of things but I don't see why its such a big deal! I brush my teeth, sometimes my tongue and shave in the morning. Sometimes I shave twice but its a hassle and I don't think my stuble is that bad. She also spits out my sperm which I don't get, its not like its poison. I don't spit out her fluids when I am on her.

It just seems in our marriage there are a lot of little things that add up to "<mod edit>" and I'm left feeling like I've made a mistake and should just move on. She says I'm comforting one minute but then says I'm mean the next. She wants to me treat her like an equal but then wants me to baby her like a father. I'm constantly getting mixed messages that just make me want to throw my hands up in the air and say "<mod edit>" and leave one day.

I honestly don't know why I've even lasted this long. My personality has always been someone who is active, outdoors, and loves trying new things. She prefers to watch TV, movies, plays, going to cafes or anything else that involves sitting on her ass and not doing much. Sex is the same way, predictable, boring, etc.

She says she wants me to be more "calm type" and I don't want to be/can't be that type of person. I wasn't that guy when we dated and I'm not that guy now.

Everytime I want to try something new she is like "you can't do that" and I'm thinking "<mod edit>?!" Just because you can't do something then I can't? Overall, she has a low opinion of me, and when I do something she doesn't say anything but just thinks its funny I actually succeeded. It has driven me to the point that I don't care what she says, does, or thinks anymore because its negative, depressing, and just plain ignorant.

What should I do?

indigo777 · 06-03-2009, 12:34 AM

It's hard for me to get past what you said about your grooming habits. Grooming is really important, you know. How would you feel if she smelled because she wouldnt shower or brush her tongue or teeth!? would that be attractive to you?

The other stuff.. I honestly think that in some areas (like the sexual one) you think you have it a lot worse than you actually do and are being unfair and unappreciative (most people wouldnt even try anal).

In some other areas I think things are getting lost in translation.

In other areas I think you are right she probably has lost respect for you as you have for her. So.. they say loss of respect and admiration for your partner is one of the key indicators that your marriage will fail within 5 years.

Capricorn3 · 06-03-2009, 12:49 AM

I have to agree with the grooming/hygiene issues - for me, lack of hygiene is a deal breaker. It is extremely off-putting, so if she's telling you that your breath smells, believe her, and if it does, make the effort to clean your teeth more often. I know it would put me off for life too, so I can understand where she's coming from, lol.

As for all the rest, it seems you have both lost touch with each other. Neither of you seem very interested in the other anymore and all the little things which were previously ignored, have now become huge issues which are almost impossible to fix.
I get the impression that good communication is lacking.

I can only suggest you both go to marriage counselling so as to get an outside perspective on things and hopefully it will help you find ways to work on your marriage and the issues. However, if neither of you are interested in seeing a marriage counsellor, then I can only suggest you each go your separate ways.

krolden · 06-03-2009, 04:26 AM

Okay, I thank you all for the input. Perhaps I do need to focus in more on my grooming issues but I think I do a good job. As for everything else, there are huge communication issues because she bounces between claiming to be Americanized or Japanese when it suits her. I'm not sure if anyone else knows what I'm talking about but people who migrate seem to drag out the "different culture" card when its suits them and put it away when it doesn't. For example, in Japan men are usually in charge of things but because she married me she freaks out if I take control of anything or make a decision without her. Then she will turn around and say I don't act like a good japanese man if I just be my normal self. So I'm like, "pick a side!" You can't just pick and choose parts of a culture that suits you to get what you want.

As for the mutual respect thing. I think she's overly materialistic, but she thinks I am. In honesty I have value of certain things due to their functionality and she values certain things due to how they are seen by others or the prestige they carry. In short, she is a consumer for the sake of being one and the things I own have a utilitarian purpose. Once respect is lost, your right, things are just gone. She says I don't respect her and in all honesty I really don't because she fails to respect herself. She's only gone downhill since we got married and all my attempts to get her to be active, go to school, exercise, read books, etc have failed! So I naturally just don't give a <mod edit> anymore. If someone just wants to wear a "mo-mo" all day and watch TV as they're life passes them by and I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT, then I don't see myself as having very many options. We went to a marriage counselor once and apparently she had a negative opinion of my wife. I tried to work it out and that failed.

Maybe I am missing something but I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Capricorn3 · 06-03-2009, 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by krolden

She says I don't respect her and in all honesty I really don't.

We went to a marriage counselor once and apparently she had a negative opinion of my wife. I tried to work it out and that failed.

Maybe I am missing something but I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Due to the above, I doubt this marriage is going to last long term. It seems you've tried to save it once before by seeing a marriage counsellor and it failed. Add to that the mutual lack of respect for each other and that pretty much indicates it's doomed (imo). Without respect, you have nothing.

Sometimes things just don't work the way we planned and we have to accept it and learn to let go and move on. I think in your case divorce is probably the only answer. Yes, it will be tough to go through with it, but rather that and you both have a chance to find happiness with someone else, or you stay together and be unhappy forevermore.

Choice is yours.

indigo777 · 06-03-2009, 10:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by krolden

she bounces between claiming to be Americanized or Japanese when it suits her. I'm not sure if anyone else knows what I'm talking about but people who migrate seem to drag out the "different culture" card when its suits them and put it away when it doesn't.

I understand - I migrated to a Western country when I was a baby and although I don't have any conscious rememberence of life anywhere other than in a Western country - I grew up in a household in which my family strongly identified themselves as members of the country they came from.. not the one we were in.

And so I can understand and will say that being in this situation - being originally from some other place and then encorporating the Western way can produce some very strange results. You end up being neither here nor there but a mix of both.

indigo777 · 06-03-2009, 10:50 PM

Lack of respect can make you perceive their "flaws/faults" in an excascerbated way.

I mean, my husband is more materialistic than I'd like. He attaches value to the glamerous things in life and I am the opposite. But I think because I respect him as a person - I can take those differences and not see them as negatives, but as differences. I can try to empathise with why he feels the way he does and understand his position. I can still attribute value to his views even though they are quite different to mine, in that respect.

But say you don't respect the person.. you would just see that stuff as another reason to feel contemptuous of them. Another reason to detatch. You wouldnt try to empathise or value their opinions for what they are.

Do you know what I mean?

That's why respect is fundamental. If you don't have it and can't get it back .. I hate to say it's "doomed" given that you are married and all.. but it's not good.

06-03-2009, 12:22 AM	#1
krolden Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 6	Intimacy Problems First time poster, I found this website and decided to ask a question to get some help with a problem I have been having. I am 29 and have been married for 5 years to a woman from Japan who is one year older than me. Over the years we have had some massive problems and I have seriously considered divorce but she wants to work it out. Some issues we are having is that she doesn't want to leave Japan, and has a distaste for America and American culture. But the bigger issue I see is the whole intimacy issue. In the beginning she was very intimate but now not so much. Our sex life is "predictable". Same positions nothing new, I get her fancy lingerie and compliment her all the time but nothing. We never try anything new. We tried anal once and she said she hated it and never wanted to do it again. Then she never kisses me because she says my breath smells or I need to shave. Granted my grooming habits aren't the best I try to stay on top of things but I don't see why its such a big deal! I brush my teeth, sometimes my tongue and shave in the morning. Sometimes I shave twice but its a hassle and I don't think my stuble is that bad. She also spits out my sperm which I don't get, its not like its poison. I don't spit out her fluids when I am on her. It just seems in our marriage there are a lot of little things that add up to "<mod edit>" and I'm left feeling like I've made a mistake and should just move on. She says I'm comforting one minute but then says I'm mean the next. She wants to me treat her like an equal but then wants me to baby her like a father. I'm constantly getting mixed messages that just make me want to throw my hands up in the air and say "<mod edit>" and leave one day. I honestly don't know why I've even lasted this long. My personality has always been someone who is active, outdoors, and loves trying new things. She prefers to watch TV, movies, plays, going to cafes or anything else that involves sitting on her ass and not doing much. Sex is the same way, predictable, boring, etc. She says she wants me to be more "calm type" and I don't want to be/can't be that type of person. I wasn't that guy when we dated and I'm not that guy now. Everytime I want to try something new she is like "you can't do that" and I'm thinking "<mod edit>?!" Just because you can't do something then I can't? Overall, she has a low opinion of me, and when I do something she doesn't say anything but just thinks its funny I actually succeeded. It has driven me to the point that I don't care what she says, does, or thinks anymore because its negative, depressing, and just plain ignorant. What should I do? Last edited by Hope75; 06-04-2009 at 09:41 PM. Reason: profanity- read forum rules before posting.

06-03-2009, 12:34 AM	#2
indigo777 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 1,472	It's hard for me to get past what you said about your grooming habits. Grooming is really important, you know. How would you feel if she smelled because she wouldnt shower or brush her tongue or teeth!? would that be attractive to you? The other stuff.. I honestly think that in some areas (like the sexual one) you think you have it a lot worse than you actually do and are being unfair and unappreciative (most people wouldnt even try anal). In some other areas I think things are getting lost in translation. In other areas I think you are right she probably has lost respect for you as you have for her. So.. they say loss of respect and admiration for your partner is one of the key indicators that your marriage will fail within 5 years. __________________ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Love is the answer.

06-03-2009, 12:49 AM	#3
Capricorn3 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 1,616	I have to agree with the grooming/hygiene issues - for me, lack of hygiene is a deal breaker. It is extremely off-putting, so if she's telling you that your breath smells, believe her, and if it does, make the effort to clean your teeth more often. I know it would put me off for life too, so I can understand where she's coming from, lol. As for all the rest, it seems you have both lost touch with each other. Neither of you seem very interested in the other anymore and all the little things which were previously ignored, have now become huge issues which are almost impossible to fix. I get the impression that good communication is lacking. I can only suggest you both go to marriage counselling so as to get an outside perspective on things and hopefully it will help you find ways to work on your marriage and the issues. However, if neither of you are interested in seeing a marriage counsellor, then I can only suggest you each go your separate ways. __________________ The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

06-03-2009, 04:26 AM	#4
krolden Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 6	Okay, I thank you all for the input. Perhaps I do need to focus in more on my grooming issues but I think I do a good job. As for everything else, there are huge communication issues because she bounces between claiming to be Americanized or Japanese when it suits her. I'm not sure if anyone else knows what I'm talking about but people who migrate seem to drag out the "different culture" card when its suits them and put it away when it doesn't. For example, in Japan men are usually in charge of things but because she married me she freaks out if I take control of anything or make a decision without her. Then she will turn around and say I don't act like a good japanese man if I just be my normal self. So I'm like, "pick a side!" You can't just pick and choose parts of a culture that suits you to get what you want. As for the mutual respect thing. I think she's overly materialistic, but she thinks I am. In honesty I have value of certain things due to their functionality and she values certain things due to how they are seen by others or the prestige they carry. In short, she is a consumer for the sake of being one and the things I own have a utilitarian purpose. Once respect is lost, your right, things are just gone. She says I don't respect her and in all honesty I really don't because she fails to respect herself. She's only gone downhill since we got married and all my attempts to get her to be active, go to school, exercise, read books, etc have failed! So I naturally just don't give a <mod edit> anymore. If someone just wants to wear a "mo-mo" all day and watch TV as they're life passes them by and I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT, then I don't see myself as having very many options. We went to a marriage counselor once and apparently she had a negative opinion of my wife. I tried to work it out and that failed. Maybe I am missing something but I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Last edited by Hope75; 06-04-2009 at 09:42 PM. Reason: profanity- read forum rules before posting.

06-03-2009, 10:50 PM	#7
indigo777 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 1,472	Lack of respect can make you perceive their "flaws/faults" in an excascerbated way. I mean, my husband is more materialistic than I'd like. He attaches value to the glamerous things in life and I am the opposite. But I think because I respect him as a person - I can take those differences and not see them as negatives, but as differences. I can try to empathise with why he feels the way he does and understand his position. I can still attribute value to his views even though they are quite different to mine, in that respect. But say you don't respect the person.. you would just see that stuff as another reason to feel contemptuous of them. Another reason to detatch. You wouldnt try to empathise or value their opinions for what they are. Do you know what I mean? That's why respect is fundamental. If you don't have it and can't get it back .. I hate to say it's "doomed" given that you are married and all.. but it's not good. __________________ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Love is the answer.