The brain ticks.....

[Marton04]

Why do I not cry as much? Is it because this is the 2nd time he's done this to me so I've cried all my tears the first time or that I'm still in denial about the whole thing or because I'm finally accepting it?

I'm confused - maybe it's a bit of all of the above?

He says he needs some time before he can talk to me again but that in itself confuses me as to why he would want to talk to me again if he's broken up with me? I told him he owes me this much to break up with me face to face but he still hasn't done it and it's been 2 weeks NC now.

Maybe because I think we're gonna talk in future that this is giving me a bit of hope but they could have just been words - I don't want to hope though.

Is anyone out there feeling the same?

[littlestar]

Living on false hope can prove more painful in the future.

[dreamwarrior]

The more someone hurts you the stronger your survival instincts surface......no more tears okay ! The time is for you now...go with the wind and soar !

[Marton04]

Littlestar - I know I can't live on hope but as much as you don't want to, you know there is just a tiny percentage that still lives in hope

Dreamwarrior - maybe you're right.. he has hurt me the 2nd time and maybe this time round, my defense mechanism is stronger than it was in the past and thus the tears aren't coming around as often. Of course, I still hurt deeply on the inside but for me it's kind of like "what can I do now?" - the situation is out of my hands so I just have to try to move on with life. I'm trying to just take each day as it comes.. whatever happens happens.... (I just need to keep repeating that to myself when my brain starts to analyze and overthink too much)

[COtuner]

My ex cannot let go. He has quite literally contacted me more in the last couple weeks than in the past year combined. Although I do not want to GBT. So behavior is never predictable - people all respond differently.

[Lauren.xo]

Well I'm on the second time of heartache with my ex. The first time I was a mess for four months... This time I still cried and did a bit of wanting him back for a week, but I feel stronger. I still cry and feel deeply hurt... But I'm not nearly the crazy mess I was last November. I am not saying to myself that it hurts any less, but I think its more a realisation of who he is. Letting go of hope, and acceptance is harder the second time though, IMO. I think it is harder because you know that they came back the first time, but then we just have to remind ourselves, do we want a 3,4,5 time. When is enough, enough.

[Marton04]

Originally Posted by Lauren.xo

Well I'm on the second time of heartache with my ex. The first time I was a mess for four months... This time I still cried and did a bit of wanting him back for a week, but I feel stronger. I still cry and feel deeply hurt... But I'm not nearly the crazy mess I was last November. I am not saying to myself that it hurts any less, but I think its more a realisation of who he is. Letting go of hope, and acceptance is harder the second time though, IMO. I think it is harder because you know that they came back the first time, but then we just have to remind ourselves, do we want a 3,4,5 time. When is enough, enough.

Hi Lauren,

We are in the same boat then - second heartache with the same ex! I was a mess last time it happened too and even went to see a counsellor.
Like you I have my moments now but that's only IF I allow the bad thoughts to overwhelm me which I haven't done much this time around - just because I know how much it hurts to do that.

You are right.. since this has happened the 2nd time round, it's made me finally open my eyes to the fact that this guy really has issues. Last time I guess I was so happy that we got back together that we kind of swept everything under the carpet and went on our merry way. BUT he never dealt with these issues and here I am again, heartbroken due to the same reasons.

As much as I love him and want to be with him - I can't stand in his way this time. He needs to sort himself out first and because I don't cry as much, I don't know if it's because I still have a bit of hope that he's going to get better or that I'm finally accepting it? There is such a fine line there for me and I'm finding it hard to distinguish which one it is. Maybe it is both and like you said, I think it is harder to let go and accept this time around because last time it happened, I NEVER thought he would come back but he did and a part of me thinks he will again. I still hope that he loves me enough to want to get help and later down the track contact me again... SIGH.....

However to contradict myself, a part of me also thinks this is it. He's never coming back because even though I know he loves me, he doesn't want to put me through the pain of it all again - everyone told him not to contact me last time but after a month and a half of NC, he wrote me an email because he said he missed me so much and now I'm convinced it's going to be longer before I even hear from him because I suspect now he'll actually be listening to people's advice not to contact me.

When is enough enough? I dunno Lauren... Sometimes I think this time is the last time. I can't go through it all again because it hurts so much to give your all to someone and for them not to give it all back to you, and then sometimes I think I love him this much that I am willing to be there for him while he gets the help. Despite thinking all this, at the end of the day, he chose to let me go and chose everything else over me. So I'm not going to sit here and try to convince him to still be with me and fawn over him like I did last time - I realize now that if he wants the space and time, I can't do anything but give him that.

I hope we can support each other through our second heartbreak

[Marton04]

Originally Posted by COtuner

My ex cannot let go. He has quite literally contacted me more in the last couple weeks than in the past year combined. Although I do not want to GBT. So behavior is never predictable - people all respond differently.

Hi Cotuner,

I remember you posting to my past threads back in the days of my first break up

Anyway, is your ex the dumpee or are you? And what's GBT?

[Lauren.xo]

Your doing the right thing. I mean, what I think about is... Is love really enough. I know I love my ex, but he can't give me it fully back. I am sick of heart ache... I don't want to go through this feeling again. I mean they already feel we will always be there, so how do they really learn? With it being the second time there comes so many questions. I put A LOT of time and energy into my ex. In my thoughts and my mind, he was the last guy for me... So rebuilding my thought process is a struggle every day. My friend once told me a quote. It makes me very sad but I believe it to have truth. "a man will not change for you unless you walk out, and he will only change for the next girl, not you because you truly need to be gone for him to change"

[Marton04]

Originally Posted by Lauren.xo

Your doing the right thing. I mean, what I think about is... Is love really enough. I know I love my ex, but he can't give me it fully back. I am sick of heart ache... I don't want to go through this feeling again. I mean they already feel we will always be there, so how do they really learn? With it being the second time there comes so many questions. I put A LOT of time and energy into my ex. In my thoughts and my mind, he was the last guy for me... So rebuilding my thought process is a struggle every day. My friend once told me a quote. It makes me very sad but I believe it to have truth. "a man will not change for you unless you walk out, and he will only change for the next girl, not you because you truly need to be gone for him to change"

I used to think love was enough but now I'm not so sure anymore. We give everything to our exes but it's not even enough for them - they want more. More of what? I dunno.... I was going to marry my ex also and I thought he was "the one" and now I have to think of myself as being "single" - it is such a hard thing to come to terms with. Will they ever learn? Who knows? However what I have learnt is that you can't force them to want to be better - they need to want it for themselves. Right now they are probably having a great time having no responsibilities but after the novelty of it dies down, that's when they will open their eyes. I believe the quote that your friend told you is sort of true.. I don't think they will change if you are constantly in the picture - so remove yourself totally. Cut off all contact, let them lead the life they think they want to lead and then take it from there. Try not to predict what's going to happen in the future.. noone can know until it happens.