Wedding in 12 wks, and i'm having second thoughts

needadvisequik · 05-18-2009, 02:18 PM

i'm engaged to be married the wedding is in 12 wks and I'm getting cold feet. Is it normal to be at the point where im thinking of giving up everything to start from scratch with no idea of what id prefer to have? I'm 28, male, in our relationship for 8 years, engaged the last year and a half, purchased a home and life is pretty normal but i keep asking myself "is this it for the rest of my life?"

i have been unfaithful numerous times in the past in our relationship due frustrations in our sex life. She has a much lower sex drive than me and while i have tried to communicate my anxieties about it she doesn't feel comfortable talking about sex. We have sex an average of about 1-2 times a week, its not bad sex but i never come away from it feeling 100% satisfied.

I love this girl and want to be with her but dont think things can improve if the havent by now. all the pressures of planning the wedding have made it impossible to bring the subject up.

Do I bail out, risk losing her, everything we've built up to now and risk regretting it, destroy her world, start from scratch myself?

Stay put, get married and try and work through these little doubts in my mind of whether this is the right path to be on. Make it work. we've always had distractions in our relationship, sickness in the family,working abroad for a year, saving for our own place and now the wedding. the relationship just seemed to ponder along without analysing it. I dont know if i could honestly call her my soul mate. i am constantly eyeing other women, mentally undressing them, imagining what it would be like to be with them or if i see a couple, wondering what comparisons we would have to them. my head is so confused. i cant talk to anyone because i know they will tell me to stop the wedding. but i want this to work and i keep telling myself if we just get through the next few weeks i can try and work out the problems i am feeling because the clock is ticking and there is not enough time to air them and sort them out now.

waveseer · 05-18-2009, 02:20 PM

Why did you wait until the last few months to become willing to resolve this once and for all?

HouseKitten · 05-18-2009, 02:23 PM

Did you make a conscious decision to propose to her or did a wedding just sort of come up as the next logical step after 8 years together?

You've been with her for 8 years - have you experienced doubts before or is this really the first time? Does she know you've been unfaithful?

PsychGirly · 05-18-2009, 02:24 PM

I don't mean to scare you, but refer to this thread, please:

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=286859

This man is suffering after 25 years of marriage because he's not happy with his sex-life, although he KNEW what to expect before he married this woman.

Read through this thread, & if you still feel like you love this woman enough that you're willing to risk your sex-life & future, then go for it.

Grrr · 05-18-2009, 02:24 PM

It seems there is too much pressure on right now, you don't have to tell her you don't want to marry her, but tell her you want to put it off until you resolve some issues and you'd like to stay engaged a little longer.

WomanWriter · 05-18-2009, 02:24 PM

You need to have a long, serious talk...maybe even with a counselor so you two can get everything on the table and worked out.

Blanco Nino · 05-18-2009, 02:25 PM

You can put everything you do in life on a scale and see if it balances. Weigh it for a week and then make a decision. That's all the advice I can give. I bailed on a 4 year relationship where it was a supposed forgone conclusion we were going to get married. Dating in the 5 years since then has been more or less a disaster but I've never regretted it for a second.

**BlueAfterglow08** · 05-18-2009, 02:28 PM

Marry her because you love and cant imagine life without her.

Dont marry her because you feel obliged too and its what 'you should' be doing even if it makes you miserable.

Make your mind up soon, 2 months before the wedding is a little cruel to her, and it'll be hard for her. But you deserve someone that is right for you and she deserves someone who cant WAIT to marry her.

Plus you mention you've been unfaithful, you both deserve more than an unfaithful marriage.

needadvisequik · 05-18-2009, 02:30 PM

no she doesnt know. I made a decision to propose because i wanted to marry this girl and spend the rest of my life with her. but the closer it gets the more im analysing things perhaps im over analysing it. is it worth going ahead with it purely because i dont want to loose the girl from my life? And live with the risk of it not working out? it most likely will work even through professional help if we need it or whatever. but i feel im in too far to bail out

waveseer · 05-18-2009, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by needadvisequik

no she doesnt know. I made a decision to propose because i wanted to marry this girl and spend the rest of my life with her. but the closer it gets the more im analysing things perhaps im over analysing it. is it worth going ahead with it purely because i dont want to loose the girl from my life? And live with the risk of it not working out? it most likely will work even through professional help if we need it or whatever. but i feel im in too far to bail out

If this is your main reason for sticking with her, then you need to be apart from her. If she knew this was the reason you were still with her it would hurt her terribly.

05-18-2009, 02:18 PM	#1
needadvisequik Offline Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 5	Wedding in 12 wks, and i'm having second thoughts i'm engaged to be married the wedding is in 12 wks and I'm getting cold feet. Is it normal to be at the point where im thinking of giving up everything to start from scratch with no idea of what id prefer to have? I'm 28, male, in our relationship for 8 years, engaged the last year and a half, purchased a home and life is pretty normal but i keep asking myself "is this it for the rest of my life?" i have been unfaithful numerous times in the past in our relationship due frustrations in our sex life. She has a much lower sex drive than me and while i have tried to communicate my anxieties about it she doesn't feel comfortable talking about sex. We have sex an average of about 1-2 times a week, its not bad sex but i never come away from it feeling 100% satisfied. I love this girl and want to be with her but dont think things can improve if the havent by now. all the pressures of planning the wedding have made it impossible to bring the subject up. Do I bail out, risk losing her, everything we've built up to now and risk regretting it, destroy her world, start from scratch myself? Stay put, get married and try and work through these little doubts in my mind of whether this is the right path to be on. Make it work. we've always had distractions in our relationship, sickness in the family,working abroad for a year, saving for our own place and now the wedding. the relationship just seemed to ponder along without analysing it. I dont know if i could honestly call her my soul mate. i am constantly eyeing other women, mentally undressing them, imagining what it would be like to be with them or if i see a couple, wondering what comparisons we would have to them. my head is so confused. i cant talk to anyone because i know they will tell me to stop the wedding. but i want this to work and i keep telling myself if we just get through the next few weeks i can try and work out the problems i am feeling because the clock is ticking and there is not enough time to air them and sort them out now.

05-18-2009, 02:20 PM	#2
waveseer Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: In a world full of possibilities. Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 11,065	Why did you wait until the last few months to become willing to resolve this once and for all? __________________ Whoever dies with the most "happy" wins! ~ shuttlefish profile pic explained: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl6yXBnLYYM and more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKnw9TM_AAI and if you weren't convinced: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3fPtMuBtMs and if you're not sick yet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTvUT_Hx4Dc to accept your partner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgP57lJvWRw

05-18-2009, 02:24 PM	#4
PsychGirly Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: LOS ANGELES Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 2,207	I don't mean to scare you, but refer to this thread, please: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=286859 This man is suffering after 25 years of marriage because he's not happy with his sex-life, although he KNEW what to expect before he married this woman. Read through this thread, & if you still feel like you love this woman enough that you're willing to risk your sex-life & future, then go for it. __________________ "LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE NUMBER OF BREATHS WE TAKE, BUT BY THE NUMBER OF MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY."

05-18-2009, 02:24 PM	#5
Grrr Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,788	It seems there is too much pressure on right now, you don't have to tell her you don't want to marry her, but tell her you want to put it off until you resolve some issues and you'd like to stay engaged a little longer. __________________ "Ol' Nicks' recess knocking steeples, rattling bones and burning needles" \|~All's well in Hell~\|

05-18-2009, 02:28 PM	#8
BlueAfterglow08 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: UK Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 5,249	Marry her because you love and cant imagine life without her. Dont marry her because you feel obliged too and its what 'you should' be doing even if it makes you miserable. Make your mind up soon, 2 months before the wedding is a little cruel to her, and it'll be hard for her. But you deserve someone that is right for you and she deserves someone who cant WAIT to marry her. Plus you mention you've been unfaithful, you both deserve more than an unfaithful marriage. __________________ Please see the forum rules before posting http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php ''Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.' -Mahatma Gandhi'

05-18-2009, 02:23 PM	#3
HouseKitten Online Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: England Gender: Female Posts: 830	Did you make a conscious decision to propose to her or did a wedding just sort of come up as the next logical step after 8 years together? You've been with her for 8 years - have you experienced doubts before or is this really the first time? Does she know you've been unfaithful?

05-18-2009, 02:24 PM	#6
WomanWriter Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: California Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 1,414	You need to have a long, serious talk...maybe even with a counselor so you two can get everything on the table and worked out.

05-18-2009, 02:25 PM	#7
Blanco Nino Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: These United States of America Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 185	You can put everything you do in life on a scale and see if it balances. Weigh it for a week and then make a decision. That's all the advice I can give. I bailed on a 4 year relationship where it was a supposed forgone conclusion we were going to get married. Dating in the 5 years since then has been more or less a disaster but I've never regretted it for a second.

05-18-2009, 02:30 PM	#9
needadvisequik Offline Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 5	no she doesnt know. I made a decision to propose because i wanted to marry this girl and spend the rest of my life with her. but the closer it gets the more im analysing things perhaps im over analysing it. is it worth going ahead with it purely because i dont want to loose the girl from my life? And live with the risk of it not working out? it most likely will work even through professional help if we need it or whatever. but i feel im in too far to bail out