When a guy tells you he's disabled

[BusyNAbroad]

From an entirely perceptive point of view, do you think it is downturning if man talks about or even slightly mentions his disabilities at the first date or on shortly after introducing yourselves?

I have recently started being more confident about all aspects of myself, including the negative ones', so I also freely and jokingly mention how I had this embarrassing incident which injured my spine and put me in constant life-long chronic pain.

I don't forcingly say it because I want to be open and honest, but it naturally flows into my conversation because, well, either because I feel the chronic pain persistently, or because they ask what regular sports I participate in, so I must naturally answer "none". It also happens because I am generally very actively helpful at parties or celebrations (help putting the food, drinks, help serving, etc.) and when someone asks me a bit more difficult favor (like moving chairs) I must say I can't because of my spine.

I already asked this somewhere else in another thread, but wanted to single out this specific question.

Again, I'm simply asking whether it turns down a woman, whether adds to unattractiveness, not whether it is "right" or "wrong" to romantically discriminate someone because of his disability

It is generally known that women appreciate physical stability and fitness. However, I would like to know, especially from the women here, what exactly goes on in their mind or how they feel when someone admits he have a disability. Do you feel a bit under pressure? Do you feel sorry for him and thus think he's not able to have fun with you? Do you suddenly think, "Perhaps he's very bad at sex."?

[tiredofvampires]

I'm probably not the best person to ask, because I, myself, suffer from chronic pain which is expected to be lifelong. And I have all the same questions as you do -- but as a woman! I experience the same situations that you're describing, all the time -- being asked about sports, having it show up when I have to do something I physically can't, etc. So even though I always want to err on the side of continuing to hide it, it's inevitable that it comes out when you least expect it to.

So I commiserate with you completely, and can imagine it's really tough on a guy to appear less "fit", though if it makes you feel any better, I have all the same concerns as a woman, and it causes me to ask the same questions.

Because I have so much empathy for this, I would if anything feel a bit at ease with a guy who wasn't some alpha male type and would feel really sympathetic to find out you had that condition. I've met men who had something that had disabled them, and I just saw it as their "battle scar" -- not something that emasculated them. So I wouldn't feel turned off if that was revealed, and I think you can take that as a valid opinion even though I'm not your typical female. A good partner for me would be physically capable, but I'd be happy to meet someone just as well who has a good attitude about life despite something like this. That's even more important than any sort of brawn.

And it sounds like you keep yourself busy and have a good attitude, which really is a turn-on.

So no, it would not discourage me or turn me off.

Edit: I don't announce my situation at the get-go (first couple of dates) if I can manage it, so if you can hold off for a couple of dates just to give them a nice 'vibe' about you, that'd be good. But then after that, the sooner the better so it won't come up in an awkward situation.

(p.s. I don't want to hijack your thread, but how'd you feel about a woman mentioning this early in the dating process?)

[tiredofvampires]

I'd also like to suggest that you put this in the Dating forum (have a moderator move it), since that gets a lot more traffic than the Conversational Tips forum, which you have it in now.

I will be interested in seeing more people post on this.

[MinziGirl]

If i were you, if it is not a very disabling handicap, i would not mention it at the 1st date. At the 1st date, you want to get to know the other person & have the otehr to get to know you too. I would show the better side first & when time goes by, you can mention it & see how she reacts.

By mentioning it at the 1st date, some girls might be completely put off by it & not date you anymore. So if i were you, i would mention it later when you have both gotten to know each other a little better.

[dr_styles]

What comes to my mind with this - and who knows everyone else will probably think I'm weird in this - is the same with mentioning anything we might think will be a negative for them however legitimate it might be. Like if it came up what I did on a Friday night, or if I still lived at home which might come up where I live, or (much more unlikely hopefully) stuff like it's your first date ... ever.

I know it's different to a disability, but from what I see it's similar situation; what will the girl think of it.

[BusyNAbroad]

Originally Posted by dr_styles

I know it's different to a disability, but from what I see it's similar situation; what will the girl think of it.

I get your point. I know that in general, whenever we feel guilty about something or want to hide something, we do feel at unease to talk about it and this unease can come across to the other person as lacking self-confidence.
This is very true, but I have nearly nothing I'm uneasy to talk about, and I feel very carefree about revealing my health issues.

So I would say that my question is aimed at understanding trends in dating etiquette or "table manners" rather than my own self-confidence.

I posed this question after having observed that at least 30-40 girls who were initially very attracted to me slowly sneaked away after I mentioned them about my disability (or my friends mentioned it to them when we were in a group conversation), and this included the whole range of female "prototypes", from the typical party chicks to the more intellectual and intelligent-looking girls.

The typical reactions I noticed: start looking at the floor, start fumbling around with cellphone and feeling a bit deceived, and move the conversation towards detachment. Which is in stark contrast to previous positive body language.
A few exceptions were girls who said they were concerned and told me to get the issue solved because it's a pity that I can't do many things anymore. Some (5-10%) even told me to ask them if I needed any help, but I think that attitude showed more companionate friendship rather than passionate attractiveness.

[dr_styles]

Well my outlook (I was about to say opinion but it's not really that; this is more what I accept to be reality) is that a disability is a turn off, even if they don't mean it in some discriminatory way, just as if you happen to be short/tall, of a certain ethnicity, religion, anything.

When it comes to mentioning it I suppose it also comes down to how you say it. I've never found a "good" way to say I don't drink, party, etc. when friends and acquaintances in general (remember I'm dateless but probably even worse on a date) have asked me like, what I'm up to Friday night or something. You know those sorts of questions.

[BusyNAbroad]

Originally Posted by tiredofvampires

(p.s. I don't want to hijack your thread, but how'd you feel about a woman mentioning this early in the dating process?)

Thanks for all your precious insights

I am generally carefree about these things as I accept there's much worse in the world. What I do care about is whether people put an effort into staying healthy. I am slightly turned off when a woman smokes into my face while talking about beautiful things in life. I get turned off when they stink and don't seem very hygienic, e.g. have food stuck in their teeth.

What I notice is that even though such a person is very interesting and I like to keep talking, my body gets a bit defensive. I would compare it to the reaction you have when you were a kid and all your mothers friends and aunts started hugging and embracing you. You kind of retract your shoulders a bit.

I think I have often reacted that way, but I wouldn't feel nearly so if it was [only] a disability. I didn't meet many people with disabilities though, only a girl with anemia (yellow-ish eyes) and I spoke very normally with her. Didn't even notice it throughout the conversation... (unfortunately, she lived in another city far far away and my experiences from last year have discouraged me a lot from pursuing long distance relationships... but that again is a whole different story).
When there's a person with a visible disability in the room (usually guys) they briefly mention what they have and the rest of the conversation really depends on the contents and their personality. It can be something of great interest, or they can be boring and arrogant snobs.

But I also know that I am different from the average male personality, so I don't think much of what I said applies for all guys.

What I really find surprising, both in mine and your cases, is how rapidly the body language of the people we talk with changes. Though I didn't understand whether your disability is visible or not. In my case people would think I'm perfectly healthy and happy until I tell them.

[Knotty]

I would think you should downplay it on the first meeting. If you have to mention it, don't say it is lifelong. You never know, maybe they will come up with a cure or something. And you don't want to make it seem like it is constantly on your mind.

[dr_styles]

Originally Posted by BusyNAbroad

I didn't meet many people with disabilities though, only a girl with anemia (yellow-ish eyes) and I spoke very normally with her. Didn't even notice it throughout the conversation... (unfortunately, she lived in another city far far away and my experiences from last year have discouraged me a lot from pursuing long distance relationships... but that again is a whole different story).

It's also what the girl has experienced, how she is too. Like I'd be a shy nervous wreck on a date (well if I ever get one), but no doubt a shy girl will be more forgiving or understanding of a guy being all shy too. Similarly if this girl was self-conscious about her eyes (you'd know best having talked to her, she may not be at all) then she'd be greatful you didn't ask, or seem to notice, like stare, etc. Not to say you're stuffed unless it's that sort of person.