A skin is a stain I'll have to wear in shame

lasko323 · 05-15-2009, 11:52 PM

Hey everyone, I'm just posting because I'm really proud of myself. It's been about a month since the last time I've hurt myself! I was really struggling and I can't say that I'm not still dealing with stuff, but I ended up transfering this semester to Penn State and I love it here. State College is amazing and I've been able to really do some inner child work with my therapist here. She's great and we've made a lot of progress. I opened up to her about times when I was a child and I broke my own arm. It's so sad to go back and remember doing that when I was so young, but I forgive myself. There were other ways I hurt myself as well and for that I forgive myself too. For so long I was so full of hate, so full of rage and sadness. Now I can truly say that I love myself. Each and every inch of myself, even the limbs that will be marked forever, but again I forgive myself. I'm really starting to look around and see that I have so much that I never realized I had. Yes I went through some * * * * when I was young, like witnessing my mom tie a noose around her neck, crying while my dad broke down the door to save her. And yes I remember hearing her cry every other night for my father to stop while the sounds of him refusing to not get off were unbearable. And yes I remember witnessing this with my own eyes as well(details are to much to share). It's hard for a child to see his mother get hurt, to see his father(who despite what any one says is a great man who's always been there for me and has completely changed) hurt my mother like that, but I forgive him. In some ways the sexuality and violence I saw affected me in ways I never thought possible. I realize now that the little kid inside me was frightened, petrified of what might happen next, but it wasn't his fault, and we realize that now. I'm here to protect that young version of myself and no I can't promise that nobody will ever hurt us again, but what I can promise is that we'll be ok, and that I'll always be here to take care of him. I'm so full of love and I don't even care what anyone thinks of the scars anymore. People will say w/e they want, they're mine and I love them and I forgive myself for creating them. I'm just so full of life now. I'm free

Capricorn3 · 05-16-2009, 12:00 AM

Great to read such a positive post! I hope it continues to go well for you and wish you all the very best.

lasko323 · 05-16-2009, 12:14 AM

Thank you Capricorn3, and just for the record I forgive my mother as well for leaving. Looking back now I still don't think it was ok for her to disapear for awhile, while she dealt with drug addiction and depression, but now I understand and forgive her as well.

Capricorn3 · 05-16-2009, 12:46 AM

You've been through a lot. Kudos to you for making an effort and turning your life around.

05-15-2009, 11:52 PM	#1
lasko323 Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 47	A skin is a stain I'll have to wear in shame Hey everyone, I'm just posting because I'm really proud of myself. It's been about a month since the last time I've hurt myself! I was really struggling and I can't say that I'm not still dealing with stuff, but I ended up transfering this semester to Penn State and I love it here. State College is amazing and I've been able to really do some inner child work with my therapist here. She's great and we've made a lot of progress. I opened up to her about times when I was a child and I broke my own arm. It's so sad to go back and remember doing that when I was so young, but I forgive myself. There were other ways I hurt myself as well and for that I forgive myself too. For so long I was so full of hate, so full of rage and sadness. Now I can truly say that I love myself. Each and every inch of myself, even the limbs that will be marked forever, but again I forgive myself. I'm really starting to look around and see that I have so much that I never realized I had. Yes I went through some * * * * when I was young, like witnessing my mom tie a noose around her neck, crying while my dad broke down the door to save her. And yes I remember hearing her cry every other night for my father to stop while the sounds of him refusing to not get off were unbearable. And yes I remember witnessing this with my own eyes as well(details are to much to share). It's hard for a child to see his mother get hurt, to see his father(who despite what any one says is a great man who's always been there for me and has completely changed) hurt my mother like that, but I forgive him. In some ways the sexuality and violence I saw affected me in ways I never thought possible. I realize now that the little kid inside me was frightened, petrified of what might happen next, but it wasn't his fault, and we realize that now. I'm here to protect that young version of myself and no I can't promise that nobody will ever hurt us again, but what I can promise is that we'll be ok, and that I'll always be here to take care of him. I'm so full of love and I don't even care what anyone thinks of the scars anymore. People will say w/e they want, they're mine and I love them and I forgive myself for creating them. I'm just so full of life now. I'm free

05-16-2009, 12:00 AM	#2
Capricorn3 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 1,618	Great to read such a positive post! I hope it continues to go well for you and wish you all the very best. __________________ The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

05-16-2009, 12:46 AM	#4
Capricorn3 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 1,618	You've been through a lot. Kudos to you for making an effort and turning your life around. __________________ The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

05-16-2009, 12:14 AM	#3
lasko323 Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 47	Thank you Capricorn3, and just for the record I forgive my mother as well for leaving. Looking back now I still don't think it was ok for her to disapear for awhile, while she dealt with drug addiction and depression, but now I understand and forgive her as well.