Reflections after 60 days of No Contact
My first post in a while here, I guess that's a good sign!
Anyway, as stated, today marks 60 days of complete NC. My first thought on that is that its just another day...its not like its some milestone I am happy to reach.
Its strange, it really is, and kind of sad. A girl that was in my life for more than 3 1/2 years is gone now....moving on with another guy, and I am cast aside. I try not to look at it that way, because it doesn't help in moving on.
I want to make an important point to those of you who think it will make the person come back - it wont, at least not for me. I am kind of shocked that she has not made any attempt to contact me since day 18 of NC, and even that was only small. I have not heard her voice in 60 days, have not seen her in 88 days. That's tough.
I guess in some ways I am tougher, you know? I have made it that long without cracking, and it hasn't been as awful as I thought it would be. Not to say it is easy - it never is, and I still dream about her, including last night.
The biggest test is coming up, with my birthday coming up in 2 weeks. I don't know if she will make any sort of contact, but I will admittedly be pretty sad if she doesn't. I know it makes no difference really, she is happy I imagine with the new guy, and I am not important enough for her to break no contact either.
As for the future, I will just stay the course. I wont reply if she does make contact on my birthday, and I guess she has either respected me asking for NC by staying away, or she truly just doesn't care or think of me anymore.
Generally I am in a much better place than I was at the start of this, but its hard to know she is 100% never coming back, even as a close friend. I never assumed anything more than that, but to lose her completely is really tough after such a long period together.
Still not sure no contact is all its cracked up to be...but at least all I know of her and him is what I assume, nothing is pushed in my face.
Don't count the days till your b-day and then get bummed. Your 29. Time to move up and to bigger and better...babes. Forget this idea of this "test" coming up. Plan some fun on your birthday and forget the past, live your life. Go back 6 months and read the crap I went through holding on too long.
Today is when you live your life.
Happy to read your update and glad that things are looking on the up for you. It's been awhile since I've seen you post. Let's keep moving forward, eh?
I too am reaching the 60-day point (I think, I stopped counting long ago), and have not heard or seen her in that time. I still dream about her, last night it was that I saw her facebook page and she was in a relationship (though there's no way I could do that since we are not friends on fb anymore). It's been tough, and although I do feel better now than I did back in the beginning of NC, I still have rough periods/days. Today is one of them, thanks to the dream I had, and last night I hung out with a friend (the one who originally introduced me to my ex) who gave me back my stuff from my ex's place. I had been hoping there wasn't a note amongst the stuff, but was unsurprised to find one. It was short and cordial, "I found your favorite shirt and some other things I wanted to give back. I hope you are doing well." I quickly trashed it as I walked home, along with the deodorant and other throwaways that I could do without. All I ended up carrying back was my "favorite" shirt and a sweater (which I will be donating away). Doesn't seem like it was worth the strain just to get a t-shirt back, which really isn't as great or special to me as she always believed but carries enough meaning pre-relationship that I want to keep it (it's an old college memento).
My birthday is this Sunday, and with it will come the same thoughts/hopes/expectations that I think we all go through when this "holiday" comes along after a breakup. I hope she writes, and I hope she doesn't. I know I won't write back, and I'm sure that if she writes, she'll say that she'll understand if I don't respond. I am then leaving to go back to the US next Wednesday, moving on for good from this segment of my life. I've been trying to really enjoy and cherish these last few weeks here with family and friends, knowing that I may never have the chance to be/live here like this again. It will also be the final door closing shut, as I really don't expect that we will cross paths again (though I am also of the belief that we should "never say never"). It's a tough movie to not only watch, but be a part of, how do you let go of someone who meant so much? It all seems so frivolous and pointless sometimes to be in romantic relationships, especially when you just become strangers again when it finally ends.
I think you make a great point for others, and yourself really, NC shouldn't and isn't meant to be undertaken with the hopes that your ex will come back. It should be done because it's the best course to take so that you can move on with your new life, one that doesn't include the ex (for better or worse). Keep on going, it's a long road to recovery but it's a worthwhile and necessary one. The other thing is to try as hard as possible not to assume what the other person is thinking. The ex has their reasons for maintaining NC or for doing what they are doing. Seeing as we are no longer a part of their lives, we should also stop wondering what those reasons are, and really just focus on what our own reasons are for maintaining our end of the NC "bargain". I can agree that sometimes it's hard to see the point in "NC" and cutting off someone who was a big part of our lives, but sometimes I have to remind myself (and I think others need to be reminded as well) that my ex dumped me, it was her choice to leave me behind, so I need to accept that (even though it wasn't my choice) and focus on me now. She didn't think I was worth the trouble or effort to keep our relationship going, so why should I continue to worry about her or be saddened by her leaving? Don't we all deserve and want to be around people who care, cherish, and want us for us? It all sounds logical, but even I have a hard time fully accepting and implementing it.
Anyway, this has gone on way too long, and sorry to take over your thread. Hope all is well and look forward to staying in contact and hearing about your progress.
Just one of your pearls of wisdom I enjoyed from that brilliant post. Well said mate, the whole thing. I wonder what the point of it all is too - if I treated her poorly then fair enough, but I was the opposite.
Originally Posted by device04
It is excruciating at times to just think of them in happier times, and wonder what happened to that person you loved. I am exactly the same as you about wanting her to contact me on my birthday and not wanting it at the same time. It certainly would be text only, the phone number she has of mine is switched off permanently. But I am kind of trying to just think of her as dead, the girl I knew at least, so any form of contact would sort of just fly in the face of that.
Its also important that when bad days come, you try and just ride them out and forget them the next day. I have had a couple of rough ones in a row, and that scares me, because I dont want to slip back into a bad place. They have only been rough in the sense of over sentimental thoughts, no crying or anything!
Hope things get better device when you head back stateside.
Have some perspective bro and be easier on yourself (though you sound like you have made alot of progress): it has only been 2 months after 3.5 years plus together so of course its still going to be tough.
... and the birthday "test" sucks as we both want an acknowledgement and yet we don't too, even though none of us wants to admit it ...so don't beat yourself up...just prep yourself that you probably will feel crappy if she does and if she doesn't contact you....I experienced this last week....now am feeling much better like it forced another door to be closed in terms of acceptance and moving on.
just keep taking care of you, focusing on you and getting lots of TLC...when getting misty just remember too that you're not alone: 1000s of people going through the same thing and to remember the crap that pissed you off to keep some perspective...and to remember also the times you were good and loving...so take her off of the pedestal and put yourself up there instead.
Last edited by canali; 05-15-2009 at 10:50 AM.
"Make the most of every situation.''
''A cynic is one who knows the price of everything
but the value of nothing.''
|Breaking up or going through a divorce is a hard part of life! Do you feel all alone and think no one understands? I'm here to listen and lend support.|
|25+ YEARS EXPERIENCE. Call Now and Feel Better. Compassionate, caring, sound advice. "I felt so much better after talking to Robert" "Very wise and helpful."|
|Experienced and compassionate, I will help you through a painful break up or divorce. I am nonjudgmental and an expert in helping people heal their hurts.|
|30 years of experience. You are not alone. I am here to walk this path with you. Kind, compassionate, caring counselor who is on your side. Experienced with divorce.|
|Supportive Counseling. This can be a painful time, or time of relief...perhaps even hope for another way. I have 30 yrs of experience getting to the heart of the matter.|