Who is in the wrong, if anyone?

anydaynow · 05-14-2009, 10:52 PM

So... I'm a new mom this year. My husband asked multiple times what I wanted for mother's day and insinuated that I really should have something special because I am such a great mom. I put off the conversations because I didn't want to flat out tell him, "get me xyz." The week before mother's day, he told me her really didn't know what to get me in a worried tone. He was bugging me about what to get, and I said "I'd rather you not get me anything and quit worrying about it." I love him dearly, but he has a tendency to worry about things too much, and it sometimes drives me a little crazy. Still, he pressed on... I told him maybe some jewelry would be nice or a new pair of hiking shoes, and we could pick them out that weekend. He said that was fine, even though it wasn't very "mother's day like."

The weekend was busy and we didn't get to shoe shopping. We saw friends recently, and they asked what I got for my first mother's day. I looked at my husband, and he looked at me, and I said I was getting hiking shoes soon. Later he admitted he felt really stupid about not getting me anything during the conversation. I admitted that I was pretty disappointed that I didn't get anything. I told him it wasn't too late to fix it. What I'd really like him to do is get me the hiking shoes and have a piece of surprise jewelry in one. Of course I don't think he'll think of that, and I'm now setting myself up for another disappointment.

I'm curious what you all think. Was he in the wrong to not get his act together and pick something out for me? Was I in the wrong to tell him it was okay to not get anything and then change my mind about it? What should I do now? Should I tell him I'd like him to pick out something nice for me? Should I forget about it because it was my own stupid mouth that said nothing was fine?

_Asti_ · 05-14-2009, 11:03 PM

Does it really matter?

How about just letting it go, and telling him to forget that this happened.

For the next holiday, like Father's Day...set up some sort of guideline for gift giving.

Will you do it? Or just focus on spending the day together as a family, gifts are optional. [ie if there was something specific you know he would like, do it because you want to give him something..not bug him for a present idea...focus on spednding time together, cook him his favourite meal..memories created together are much more precious than a pair of hiking shoes, are they not?]

If you want to point fingers, point them at both of you.
You sent mixed messages, and when you finally sent him a 'direct' message, he didn't get it.

Lesson learned, prevent it by communicating CLEARLY to each other about future holidays.

TheSmilingTurnip · 05-14-2009, 11:15 PM

OH dear, holidays.

My last mother's day sucked. My now-husband took my daughter to the store at my direction and came back with some sucky flowers. I cried a lot. I thought he was terrible. I thought he was thoughtless, inconsiderate, just didn't care, etc. A ridiculous overreaction.

So this year I said, for this mother's day, honey, I want you to just take care of the child for the day so I can go and do whatever I want.

He did that. I did that. It was the best mother's day EVER.

Honestly, if you know what you want, then just tell him. End the torture. He's trying really hard to please you, and you're not exactly cooperating. Next time just give him a list of five different things or intangibles that you'd be really happy with. Let him pick. Don't put anything on there that you don't really want. This is how you can make yourself happy and relieve your husband.

For Father's Day, we're taking my husband camping. I'm planning it all out. Cause I'm a planner. He's not.

Capricorn3 · 05-14-2009, 11:15 PM

I actually can't help feeling bad for him. He asked multiple times and you flat out told him I'd rather you not get me anything and quit worrying about it.". Later on, you mention a few things and it goes pear shaped, and now you're all upset and your feelings are hurt. He's in a no win situation. A catch 22 - damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I think you should learn from this in the future. Good communication is a key element in a relationship.

I strongly suggest that you let it go and leave it be. Next time you both know better.

Sn0man · 05-14-2009, 11:54 PM

We're not mind readers. If you say not to worry about it and get you nothing then don't expect us to get you something. If you wanted something, anything, and he asked you multiple times about it, then the onus is on you to speak up.

DN · 05-14-2009, 11:59 PM

Simple answer - you are in the wrong. Always tell the truth in situations like this, it makes life easier for both of you.

BTW - my wife and I do not get each other anything for Mother's or Father's Day. When our kids were small we got gifts on their behalf but once they were old enough to choose their own - that was it. We are spouses not each other's parents and there are enough Hallmark Holidays as it is.

sharsachan · 05-15-2009, 01:02 AM

PEOPLE are not mind readers. he genuinely wanted to get you something you would really like and it sounds like you made that near impossible for him. at first you wouldn't give him any suggestions and then at the end you throw out "some hiking boots"

a lot of women seem to think they shouldn't have to spell it out for their SO "if he loves me, he'll know what i like" etc is a common mind frame. or after ward, if they received something that might not have been so 'stellar' because they wouldn't offer advice, they tend to think "he has no idea what i like, he must not care about me/our relationship" etc.

if he's asking what you want, he cares. tell him. he is already putting out a lot the effort by asking you and by being willing to go shopping [seriously, most men do not enjoy shopping; they want to get in and out asap] so just help him out

do not tell him to get you nothing and then be upset because you got nothing.

faithful14 · 05-15-2009, 01:39 AM

if there was something you specifically wanted, then yes tell him or put a picture of it in his wallet or on his side of the bed so that he can see....I mean at least your husband was making the effort to buy you something, so much that he was getting worried. It seems he honestly just had no clue what to do and needed some direction. I would just let it go and I'm sure he'll make it up to you in some other way. If anything, just appreciate that he wanted to find something nice for you on Mother's Day..i mean it shows in a subtle way that he cares about pleasing you.

anydaynow · 05-15-2009, 10:43 AM

You know, I don't really care who was in the wrong, but I thought "disappointing mother's day" as a topic wouldn't draw in as many responses. And asking who was right or wrong would definitely cause opinions to be formed. Bad call on my part. Anyhow, after sleeping on it, I see that I have been wrongly dramatic about this entire situation.

Please don't read me incorrectly, hiking boots would have been fine had I actually gotten them. And I'm not particularly materialistic. A handwritten sentiment about what he thought of me as a mom would have been awesome. And I don't expect him to do anything for me for future mother's days when our kid(s) are old enough to draw me a picture. Our daughter is just an infant this year, however.

But thanks all for the responses. I feel much better about the situation. He was trying really hard. I cannot expect him to read my mind. He has in the past and I guess I expected it again. He really is a wonderful man, so close to perfect in fact that I sometimes expect the world of him...

MsG · 05-15-2009, 12:47 PM

I know it's your first mothers day but have you thought about how it's his first mothers day for him to do for you? He didn't know and kindly asked, you rejected his offer and saif nothing. Then were upset when you didn't get anything. I'm glad you came to your senses and realized that he didn't actaully do anything wrong.

Next time just tell him you'd like to just spend a happy day with your family stress free, no "gift" required.

And I can picture the very moment your friends asked you what you got and you look over at your husband as if to say "my husband didn't get me a damned thing- gee THANKS". Pardon me if I'm wrong but in my head that's what the message that look could have sent to him.

Anyways live and learn. Say what you want- sure it spoils the surprise but if you really want a surprise don't get mad if he gets you a vacumme cleaner!

05-14-2009, 10:52 PM	#1
anydaynow Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 130	Who is in the wrong, if anyone? So... I'm a new mom this year. My husband asked multiple times what I wanted for mother's day and insinuated that I really should have something special because I am such a great mom. I put off the conversations because I didn't want to flat out tell him, "get me xyz." The week before mother's day, he told me her really didn't know what to get me in a worried tone. He was bugging me about what to get, and I said "I'd rather you not get me anything and quit worrying about it." I love him dearly, but he has a tendency to worry about things too much, and it sometimes drives me a little crazy. Still, he pressed on... I told him maybe some jewelry would be nice or a new pair of hiking shoes, and we could pick them out that weekend. He said that was fine, even though it wasn't very "mother's day like." The weekend was busy and we didn't get to shoe shopping. We saw friends recently, and they asked what I got for my first mother's day. I looked at my husband, and he looked at me, and I said I was getting hiking shoes soon. Later he admitted he felt really stupid about not getting me anything during the conversation. I admitted that I was pretty disappointed that I didn't get anything. I told him it wasn't too late to fix it. What I'd really like him to do is get me the hiking shoes and have a piece of surprise jewelry in one. Of course I don't think he'll think of that, and I'm now setting myself up for another disappointment. I'm curious what you all think. Was he in the wrong to not get his act together and pick something out for me? Was I in the wrong to tell him it was okay to not get anything and then change my mind about it? What should I do now? Should I tell him I'd like him to pick out something nice for me? Should I forget about it because it was my own stupid mouth that said nothing was fine?

05-14-2009, 11:03 PM	#2
_Asti_ Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 2,353	Does it really matter? How about just letting it go, and telling him to forget that this happened. For the next holiday, like Father's Day...set up some sort of guideline for gift giving. Will you do it? Or just focus on spending the day together as a family, gifts are optional. [ie if there was something specific you know he would like, do it because you want to give him something..not bug him for a present idea...focus on spednding time together, cook him his favourite meal..memories created together are much more precious than a pair of hiking shoes, are they not?] If you want to point fingers, point them at both of you. You sent mixed messages, and when you finally sent him a 'direct' message, he didn't get it. Lesson learned, prevent it by communicating CLEARLY to each other about future holidays. __________________ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ __________________ I got so much love For you darlin' and I, I wanna let you know how I feel And it's true that I love you And it's true your the only one and I do, I adore you And it's true You make me feel alive ___________________

05-14-2009, 11:15 PM	#3
TheSmilingTurnip Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2005 Age: 33 Posts: 2,042	OH dear, holidays. My last mother's day sucked. My now-husband took my daughter to the store at my direction and came back with some sucky flowers. I cried a lot. I thought he was terrible. I thought he was thoughtless, inconsiderate, just didn't care, etc. A ridiculous overreaction. So this year I said, for this mother's day, honey, I want you to just take care of the child for the day so I can go and do whatever I want. He did that. I did that. It was the best mother's day EVER. Honestly, if you know what you want, then just tell him. End the torture. He's trying really hard to please you, and you're not exactly cooperating. Next time just give him a list of five different things or intangibles that you'd be really happy with. Let him pick. Don't put anything on there that you don't really want. This is how you can make yourself happy and relieve your husband. For Father's Day, we're taking my husband camping. I'm planning it all out. Cause I'm a planner. He's not. __________________ BOUNDARIES...where you end and someone else begins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty." ~ Kevin Bacon on keeping marriage together.

05-14-2009, 11:15 PM	#4
Capricorn3 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 1,618	I actually can't help feeling bad for him. He asked multiple times and you flat out told him I'd rather you not get me anything and quit worrying about it.". Later on, you mention a few things and it goes pear shaped, and now you're all upset and your feelings are hurt. He's in a no win situation. A catch 22 - damned if you do, damned if you don't. I think you should learn from this in the future. Good communication is a key element in a relationship. I strongly suggest that you let it go and leave it be. Next time you both know better. __________________ The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

05-14-2009, 11:54 PM	#5
Sn0man Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: BC Gender: Male Age: 30 Posts: 2,164	We're not mind readers. If you say not to worry about it and get you nothing then don't expect us to get you something. If you wanted something, anything, and he asked you multiple times about it, then the onus is on you to speak up. __________________ I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It's hitting below the intellect. If you can’t ignore an insult, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh it off; and if you can’t laugh it off, it’s probably deserved.

05-14-2009, 11:59 PM	#6
DN Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,442	Simple answer - you are in the wrong. Always tell the truth in situations like this, it makes life easier for both of you. BTW - my wife and I do not get each other anything for Mother's or Father's Day. When our kids were small we got gifts on their behalf but once they were old enough to choose their own - that was it. We are spouses not each other's parents and there are enough Hallmark Holidays as it is. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

05-15-2009, 01:02 AM	#7
sharsachan Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: nevada Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 549	PEOPLE are not mind readers. he genuinely wanted to get you something you would really like and it sounds like you made that near impossible for him. at first you wouldn't give him any suggestions and then at the end you throw out "some hiking boots" a lot of women seem to think they shouldn't have to spell it out for their SO "if he loves me, he'll know what i like" etc is a common mind frame. or after ward, if they received something that might not have been so 'stellar' because they wouldn't offer advice, they tend to think "he has no idea what i like, he must not care about me/our relationship" etc. if he's asking what you want, he cares. tell him. he is already putting out a lot the effort by asking you and by being willing to go shopping [seriously, most men do not enjoy shopping; they want to get in and out asap] so just help him out do not tell him to get you nothing and then be upset because you got nothing. __________________ Married to Brian, June 21, 2007. Mother to Bear, born April 18, 2008. Mother to Dot, born May 11, 2009. ~we must be strong when we are apart so we can be stronger when we are together~

05-15-2009, 01:39 AM	#8
faithful14 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: California Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 532	if there was something you specifically wanted, then yes tell him or put a picture of it in his wallet or on his side of the bed so that he can see....I mean at least your husband was making the effort to buy you something, so much that he was getting worried. It seems he honestly just had no clue what to do and needed some direction. I would just let it go and I'm sure he'll make it up to you in some other way. If anything, just appreciate that he wanted to find something nice for you on Mother's Day..i mean it shows in a subtle way that he cares about pleasing you.

05-15-2009, 10:43 AM	#9
anydaynow Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 130	You know, I don't really care who was in the wrong, but I thought "disappointing mother's day" as a topic wouldn't draw in as many responses. And asking who was right or wrong would definitely cause opinions to be formed. Bad call on my part. Anyhow, after sleeping on it, I see that I have been wrongly dramatic about this entire situation. Please don't read me incorrectly, hiking boots would have been fine had I actually gotten them. And I'm not particularly materialistic. A handwritten sentiment about what he thought of me as a mom would have been awesome. And I don't expect him to do anything for me for future mother's days when our kid(s) are old enough to draw me a picture. Our daughter is just an infant this year, however. But thanks all for the responses. I feel much better about the situation. He was trying really hard. I cannot expect him to read my mind. He has in the past and I guess I expected it again. He really is a wonderful man, so close to perfect in fact that I sometimes expect the world of him...

05-15-2009, 12:47 PM	#10
MsG Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: The Best Place on Earth Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 85	I know it's your first mothers day but have you thought about how it's his first mothers day for him to do for you? He didn't know and kindly asked, you rejected his offer and saif nothing. Then were upset when you didn't get anything. I'm glad you came to your senses and realized that he didn't actaully do anything wrong. Next time just tell him you'd like to just spend a happy day with your family stress free, no "gift" required. And I can picture the very moment your friends asked you what you got and you look over at your husband as if to say "my husband didn't get me a damned thing- gee THANKS". Pardon me if I'm wrong but in my head that's what the message that look could have sent to him. Anyways live and learn. Say what you want- sure it spoils the surprise but if you really want a surprise don't get mad if he gets you a vacumme cleaner!