a friend has the hots for my boyfriend. angry!!

angel1980 · 05-11-2009, 04:51 AM

basically i have this friend who i have known just over a year (we will call her lisa) , we met in a club and it turns out she lives a 15 min walk away from me.
we are not best of friends but i would have said we were pretty good friends. she is 22, i am 28

she is a little bit mad and often sais and does silly random things.. especially when she has had a few drinks. she is basically the loony of my friends and reminds me a bit of what i was like years back. i also know she does have a few emotional issues and i think all her mad behaviour is stemming from something deeper. i kinda feel like i have taken her under my wing a bit n offer advice n support etc ... i also feel a bit that she looks up to me.

she does a little bit of playful flirting with my boyfriend and i have always thought it was just messing around.. after one night out with a group of us.. the next day my BF said to me 'i hope i am wrong but i think lisa fancies me' i asked him why he thinks that and he said that she was being really full on and flirtatious and kept making jokes and bringing his name up the whole time n wanting photos of her kissing his cheek etc.
also she came back to my house after the night out and she asked if she could sleep in the bed with us with my BF in the middle... i thought surely she mustn't have been serious so just laughed it off.
we both just brushed it off and put it down to her being drunk and her normal crazy silly self.

2 nights ago a group of us went out on a night out again but my BF was at home looking after my daughter so didn't come out.
me and a different friend met up for a drink before everyone else joind us and she slipped up with something and then had to admit that lisa DOES fancy my boyfriend and it's his kind side she is attracted to.
it's funny coz as soon as lisa turned up, one of the first things she did was ask where my BF was

now i feel mad coz all those times she was being flirty, there was some seriousness in it and she was doing it right under my nose.
i know my BF would never ever go there in a million years but i am now worried that things may get ugly between me and her if she ever over steps the mark or gets too flirtatious. i feel like i don't want her around him any more becuase i am just going to be sitting there listening out for any flirtatious comments with my blood boiling that she has the cheek to fancy someone who she knows is taken. i would never allow myself to even consider having the hots for a mates boyfriend, its one area you just don't go so am now thinking she is a quite weird.

i am not going to tell my bf coz things will be even more uncomfortable but i just feel i am going to be going out of my way to make sure she isn't around him now and that is a shame coz we often go out as a group with both of them there.

so you think it's coz she looks up to me so wants what i have?? do you think i should be so bothered about keeping them apart???

nutbrownhare · 05-11-2009, 05:59 AM

She obviously does have emotional issues; she's also very immature. It doesn't sound as though you two have an 'adult-adult' relationship, more a 'mother-daughter' one, and she's playing a flirty teenager role with someone who's already taken. It would probably be different if your BF was actually available!

Do you really want a friend like this? Who looks up to you rather than being on the same level? Maybe you do, in which case you'll be putting up with more of this behaviour until she grows up a bit. Or you could decide that, as an adult, you'd rather have adult relationships and distance yourself from this silly girl.

It doesn't sound as though your boyfriend is having any truck with her, and in that respect he doesn't really come into it.

angel1980 · 05-11-2009, 06:25 AM

yea she is quite immature for her age.. i think it's coz she lived in brunei for most of her teens and she had to grow up very quickly and there wasn't much fun for teens/early 20's there as it is a very strict country.
so i think she is trying to go out of her way to catch up on what she missed out on.
i wouldn't quite say mother/daughter relationship.. would say more of an older and wiser sister.

i know my BF wouldn't ever go there and he gets annoyed when she is too full on so i know i don't have to worry that anything will ever go on... but i know i would cut contact end if she does ever over step the mark and that means things will become uncomfortable with other friends if i cut contact with her becuase we both share alot of the same friends.

**Hope75** · 05-11-2009, 10:05 AM

To be honest I wouldn't fault her for being attracted to your boyfriend, after all, you love him so there must be something there that makes him attractive. What is not OK is that she is coming onto him while being friends with you, and I would speak to her about that. I'd let her know that you are aware of her feelings for him but that he is with you and it's not OK to invite herself into your bed with him or ask him to kiss her cheek or any of that other behaviour. If she blames it on alcohol than let her know that you will no longer be in situations with her where she is drinking if she cannot control herself.

Personally I'd probably distance myself from her anyway since it sounds like she isn't all that much of a friend to you as it is.

**BellaDonna** · 05-11-2009, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hope75

To be honest I wouldn't fault her for being attracted to your boyfriend, after all, you love him so there must be something there that makes him attractive. What is not OK is that she is coming onto him while being friends with you, and I would speak to her about that. I'd let her know that you are aware of her feelings for him but that he is with you and it's not OK to invite herself into your bed with him or ask him to kiss her cheek or any of that other behaviour. If she blames it on alcohol than let her know that you will no longer be in situations with her where she is drinking if she cannot control herself.

Personally I'd probably distance myself from her anyway since it sounds like she isn't all that much of a friend to you as it is.

I agree with this.

Keep far away from her- she's toxic. Even if nothing ever comes of the attraction she has for your BF- it can only cause trouble, and create uncomfortable situations.

Jd1118 · 05-11-2009, 11:23 AM

As others have mentioned, I would definitely cut off ties with her. She is clearly not being your friend by blatantly flirting with your boyfriend right in front of you. Friend or not, this is clearly disrespectful to you. If your boyfriend picked this up, I'm sure other people that you hang out with will soon pick up on this as well. Cut the losses, you have nothing to lose.

Scorpion Fury · 05-11-2009, 11:26 AM

There is no reason for you to remain friends with this girl, in my opinion. A real friend would know the boundaries are wouldn't even have to be told not to overstep them.

Does she have a habit of lusting after friend's boyfriends, or men who are already taken?

angel1980 · 05-11-2009, 11:58 AM

i am going to distance myself a bit now.. i just feel different about her now i know she fancies my BF and feel like i can't trust her.

my other friend said that when her BF walked in the room with no shirt on .. lisa went something like 'wey hey hey chris' .. and if they have a little disagreement when lisa is around, then lisa will always say .. sorry but i agree with kris not you.

i think she is desperate to be desired and 4 sex if i am honest. she is 22 and has never had a relationship .. she lost her virginity to a one night stand when she was 19 and for about a year she was sleeping with some idiot who was jsut using her for sex and would only cal her every few weeks when he wanted it n she would go running to him n then she wouldn't hear from him again for a few weeks. so she has basically not had any good experiences with guys and i think she is gagging for it basically and she can't help but fancy someone if she sees they are not like the guys that she has dealt with.
my bf has been kind to her and given her lifts here n there when she needed n got her drinks if we were out... and she sees the way he can be with me takign me out to dinner and doign nice things .. so i think that is why she's got these feelings.

i am going to tell my BF that IF we ever do bump into her, to not be so nice and offer her any lifts or buy drinks etc... he was just being kind as she is a mate of mine but i guess desperate girls will latch onto anything wont they.

we saw her in the pub about a month back, we had gone for a quiet drink one sunday afternoon as daughter was at a party .... she was in there as it was her lunch break at work... my BF asked her how long it takes to get back to her work from where we were and she just presumed it meant he was going to give her a lift back to work.. being nice, my BF didn't tel her 'errr no i didn't mean that' so just kinda went along with it and we had to finish out drinks quicker so he could take her back to work .. i think it's little things liek that that she has latched onto so will deff make sure there will be no more of that if we bump into her again.

**Hope75** · 05-11-2009, 02:11 PM

Quote:

my bf has been kind to her and given her lifts here n there when she needed n got her drinks if we were out... and she sees the way he can be with me takign me out to dinner and doign nice things .. so i think that is why she's got these feelings.

Honestly this is a problem too- your boyfriend is aware that she likes him and feeds into it by getting her drinks and giving her rides here and there too- so that needs to stop and I'd talk to him about it.

As for her, honestly she sounds like she probably has some pretty low self esteem and finds her own felt worth in what others think of her and if men find her attractive.

Do you really even want to be friends with her?

angel1980 · 05-11-2009, 02:41 PM

i wouldn't say my BF is really aware she likes him becuase after he mentiond it to me that she had been a bit full on the night in question and we discussed it, we both put it down to her being wasted and her usual mad self and we have only seen her once together since then.

i have spoken to him today, i didn't say that i know for sure she likes him in that way... but i did say that she has been going round saying that he is so kind (which she has) and that he has to be a little colder if we see her because it may give her the wrong idea... he basically said that he was only helping her out n stuff becuase she is a mate of mine and thought i would feel guilty n then make him feel bad if he didn't help out .. which i kinda of do sometimes so i know he is talking the truth
he has said that he will not be so jokey with her any more if we see her and just tel her that he wants to be alone with me if she asks to come back to my place or something... we have also said that we will slip out without telling her if she is on a night out with a group of us. also we will make sure we don't have any disagreements near her

05-11-2009, 04:51 AM	#1
angel1980 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 184	a friend has the hots for my boyfriend. angry!! basically i have this friend who i have known just over a year (we will call her lisa) , we met in a club and it turns out she lives a 15 min walk away from me. we are not best of friends but i would have said we were pretty good friends. she is 22, i am 28 she is a little bit mad and often sais and does silly random things.. especially when she has had a few drinks. she is basically the loony of my friends and reminds me a bit of what i was like years back. i also know she does have a few emotional issues and i think all her mad behaviour is stemming from something deeper. i kinda feel like i have taken her under my wing a bit n offer advice n support etc ... i also feel a bit that she looks up to me. she does a little bit of playful flirting with my boyfriend and i have always thought it was just messing around.. after one night out with a group of us.. the next day my BF said to me 'i hope i am wrong but i think lisa fancies me' i asked him why he thinks that and he said that she was being really full on and flirtatious and kept making jokes and bringing his name up the whole time n wanting photos of her kissing his cheek etc. also she came back to my house after the night out and she asked if she could sleep in the bed with us with my BF in the middle... i thought surely she mustn't have been serious so just laughed it off. we both just brushed it off and put it down to her being drunk and her normal crazy silly self. 2 nights ago a group of us went out on a night out again but my BF was at home looking after my daughter so didn't come out. me and a different friend met up for a drink before everyone else joind us and she slipped up with something and then had to admit that lisa DOES fancy my boyfriend and it's his kind side she is attracted to. it's funny coz as soon as lisa turned up, one of the first things she did was ask where my BF was now i feel mad coz all those times she was being flirty, there was some seriousness in it and she was doing it right under my nose. i know my BF would never ever go there in a million years but i am now worried that things may get ugly between me and her if she ever over steps the mark or gets too flirtatious. i feel like i don't want her around him any more becuase i am just going to be sitting there listening out for any flirtatious comments with my blood boiling that she has the cheek to fancy someone who she knows is taken. i would never allow myself to even consider having the hots for a mates boyfriend, its one area you just don't go so am now thinking she is a quite weird. i am not going to tell my bf coz things will be even more uncomfortable but i just feel i am going to be going out of my way to make sure she isn't around him now and that is a shame coz we often go out as a group with both of them there. so you think it's coz she looks up to me so wants what i have?? do you think i should be so bothered about keeping them apart???

05-11-2009, 10:05 AM	#4
Hope75 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: kitteh ville Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 12,512	To be honest I wouldn't fault her for being attracted to your boyfriend, after all, you love him so there must be something there that makes him attractive. What is not OK is that she is coming onto him while being friends with you, and I would speak to her about that. I'd let her know that you are aware of her feelings for him but that he is with you and it's not OK to invite herself into your bed with him or ask him to kiss her cheek or any of that other behaviour. If she blames it on alcohol than let her know that you will no longer be in situations with her where she is drinking if she cannot control herself. Personally I'd probably distance myself from her anyway since it sounds like she isn't all that much of a friend to you as it is. __________________ Muffin cats need love too. Please refer to the forum rules before posting: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php Mama to a beautiful baby girl born 6-25-09. :)

05-11-2009, 11:26 AM	#7
Scorpion Fury Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: The states Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 4,531	There is no reason for you to remain friends with this girl, in my opinion. A real friend would know the boundaries are wouldn't even have to be told not to overstep them. Does she have a habit of lusting after friend's boyfriends, or men who are already taken? __________________ Your attitude determines your altitude.

05-11-2009, 05:59 AM	#2
nutbrownhare Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2008 Gender: None Specified Posts: 1,193	She obviously does have emotional issues; she's also very immature. It doesn't sound as though you two have an 'adult-adult' relationship, more a 'mother-daughter' one, and she's playing a flirty teenager role with someone who's already taken. It would probably be different if your BF was actually available! Do you really want a friend like this? Who looks up to you rather than being on the same level? Maybe you do, in which case you'll be putting up with more of this behaviour until she grows up a bit. Or you could decide that, as an adult, you'd rather have adult relationships and distance yourself from this silly girl. It doesn't sound as though your boyfriend is having any truck with her, and in that respect he doesn't really come into it.

05-11-2009, 06:25 AM	#3
angel1980 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 184	yea she is quite immature for her age.. i think it's coz she lived in brunei for most of her teens and she had to grow up very quickly and there wasn't much fun for teens/early 20's there as it is a very strict country. so i think she is trying to go out of her way to catch up on what she missed out on. i wouldn't quite say mother/daughter relationship.. would say more of an older and wiser sister. i know my BF wouldn't ever go there and he gets annoyed when she is too full on so i know i don't have to worry that anything will ever go on... but i know i would cut contact end if she does ever over step the mark and that means things will become uncomfortable with other friends if i cut contact with her becuase we both share alot of the same friends.

05-11-2009, 11:23 AM	#6
Jd1118 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 1,141	As others have mentioned, I would definitely cut off ties with her. She is clearly not being your friend by blatantly flirting with your boyfriend right in front of you. Friend or not, this is clearly disrespectful to you. If your boyfriend picked this up, I'm sure other people that you hang out with will soon pick up on this as well. Cut the losses, you have nothing to lose.

05-11-2009, 11:58 AM	#8
angel1980 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 184	i am going to distance myself a bit now.. i just feel different about her now i know she fancies my BF and feel like i can't trust her. my other friend said that when her BF walked in the room with no shirt on .. lisa went something like 'wey hey hey chris' .. and if they have a little disagreement when lisa is around, then lisa will always say .. sorry but i agree with kris not you. i think she is desperate to be desired and 4 sex if i am honest. she is 22 and has never had a relationship .. she lost her virginity to a one night stand when she was 19 and for about a year she was sleeping with some idiot who was jsut using her for sex and would only cal her every few weeks when he wanted it n she would go running to him n then she wouldn't hear from him again for a few weeks. so she has basically not had any good experiences with guys and i think she is gagging for it basically and she can't help but fancy someone if she sees they are not like the guys that she has dealt with. my bf has been kind to her and given her lifts here n there when she needed n got her drinks if we were out... and she sees the way he can be with me takign me out to dinner and doign nice things .. so i think that is why she's got these feelings. i am going to tell my BF that IF we ever do bump into her, to not be so nice and offer her any lifts or buy drinks etc... he was just being kind as she is a mate of mine but i guess desperate girls will latch onto anything wont they. we saw her in the pub about a month back, we had gone for a quiet drink one sunday afternoon as daughter was at a party .... she was in there as it was her lunch break at work... my BF asked her how long it takes to get back to her work from where we were and she just presumed it meant he was going to give her a lift back to work.. being nice, my BF didn't tel her 'errr no i didn't mean that' so just kinda went along with it and we had to finish out drinks quicker so he could take her back to work .. i think it's little things liek that that she has latched onto so will deff make sure there will be no more of that if we bump into her again.

05-11-2009, 02:41 PM	#10
angel1980 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 184	i wouldn't say my BF is really aware she likes him becuase after he mentiond it to me that she had been a bit full on the night in question and we discussed it, we both put it down to her being wasted and her usual mad self and we have only seen her once together since then. i have spoken to him today, i didn't say that i know for sure she likes him in that way... but i did say that she has been going round saying that he is so kind (which she has) and that he has to be a little colder if we see her because it may give her the wrong idea... he basically said that he was only helping her out n stuff becuase she is a mate of mine and thought i would feel guilty n then make him feel bad if he didn't help out .. which i kinda of do sometimes so i know he is talking the truth he has said that he will not be so jokey with her any more if we see her and just tel her that he wants to be alone with me if she asks to come back to my place or something... we have also said that we will slip out without telling her if she is on a night out with a group of us. also we will make sure we don't have any disagreements near her