I can't tell the good from the bad.

ays · 05-08-2009, 06:10 PM

I have mixed feelings about a guy I worked with.

He is very well-read and intelligent.

He has a good job and a wide range of interests.

He has a good sense of humour, not exactly in sync with mine but close enough.

He often buys me lunch.

So far I can see nothing wrong with him.
I mean he's not perfect. He talks alot, alot, alo about his hobbies and interests and his own view of world but men generally do that.

The thing is my male and female coworkers put him down alot and it makes me wonder if I'm missing what they are seeing.

He is in a senior position to them, so maybe its normal but as I have no confidence in my ability to judge character( I have had a very bad track record) I'm al ittle swayed by their opinion.

Then I think of their spouses and it irriatates me that as their partners are by and large unknown to other members of staff there's a good chance that they are exaggerating their qualities and that this man is as good, if not better than what they have.

forgotten1 · 05-08-2009, 06:28 PM

lol...this is funny...well if ur looking to have the prettiest most awesome toy on the block or guy in the work place then yet maybe you should leave this poor guy alone and go mature a bit...or try this...granted i personally wouldnt mess around where i work...but rather then define a guys character on what others think especially those in lesser status who are most likely jealous of his pay check...instead give him a chance and find out if he makes you happy....why do we get so caught up in what others think not only about ourselves but our choice in our SO's. Quite frankily i could give a * * * * if that other person made me feel that much better physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

ays · 05-08-2009, 07:10 PM

I think that you misunderstand me. My post is entitled "I can't tell the good from the bad". I'm looking for a good man, not an awesome toy or any of that rubbish.
I have picked men in the past who I thought were good, decent men and they really hurt me. When I reflected later I realised that they were often selfish and immature. This made me lose confidence in my ability to find a good man.
I think this man is a good men but I'm afraid that yet again my poor judgement will lead to me being used.
So that is why I listen to other people. If he's generally criticised is it because as you say typical office jealousy or is it symptomatic of something in his character?

nutbrownhare · 05-08-2009, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ays

So that is why I listen to other people. If he's generally criticised is it because as you say typical office jealousy or is it symptomatic of something in his character?

What are they saying about him, exactly? And does the way he treats them justify what they say?

If they're making fun of him for being quirky or 'different', then take no notice if whatever it is doesn't bother you. If they're jealous of his success and make fun of his commitment, take no notice.

If, on the other hand, they're criticising him for being dishonest, two-faced or self-seeking then there might be something in it, especially if a lot of people are saying this.

So it really depends what he's being criticised about ...

ays · 05-08-2009, 09:32 PM

They do criticise him for his quirks.
They also criticise him for the way he manages the place.
They say he hasn't a clue.
They say he is stupid.
They claim he takes credit for stuff he didn't do.
They claim that he misrepresents situations.

I have seen his quirks. He does make inappropriate comments.He makes flippant comments that people take seriously.
But as for the rest, he seems smart to me, very hard working.
Also I have first hand experience of them claiming he took credit for something I did, when in fact that was not the case at all.

One of the women I work closley with was extremely close to him for years and used to tell me how nice he was. But they had a massive row last year when he moved her from one office to another to reorganise departments. She and someo ther staff that were moved got into a bitter argument. I'm not sure who was to blame but now she even objects to the manner in which he breathes. His tried to make up with her(not apologise) but she won't hear of it. She was his coffee pal for years. Now i'm the one who goes with him. It makes it a bit tense for me. She has no romantic interest in him.

I suppose anyone in management is going to be shredded by staff. I really don't know what to think. I just know that if he plays me there will be alot of I told you so's.
as you can imagine the business is already looking askance at me because it is apparent he is fond of me. They speculate that im getting a soft ride because of it, which is utterly untrue. I've been there for years and earned my rank by sheer hard work, a fact that all those in charge are aware of and appreciate.

nutbrownhare · 05-09-2009, 06:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ays

I suppose anyone in management is going to be shredded by staff. I really don't know what to think. I just know that if he plays me there will be alot of I told you so's.
as you can imagine the business is already looking askance at me because it is apparent he is fond of me. They speculate that im getting a soft ride because of it, which is utterly untrue. I've been there for years and earned my rank by sheer hard work, a fact that all those in charge are aware of and appreciate.

It's not necessarily true that management get shredded by staff - depends on the staff, depends on the manager and whether or not they respect their staff. And vice versa.

Regardless of this guy's personal qualities, do not contemplate getting romantically involved with him while you're still working there. Really, don't even contemplate it.

If you find a job somewhere else, then I'd say go for it. If you try taking this relationship any further, while you're still in the same company, you will be at the centre of a whole pile of terrible office politics which will damage you professionally. Trying to maintain a relationship in the face of pressure like this will lead to a conflict of interest which, again, will damage you professionally. And if anything goes wrong, which is likely - given the pressure the two of you would be under ... well, I don't need to spell it out.

It's not so much this man's personality you need to be aware of here, but the situation in which the two of you find yourselves.

ays · 05-09-2009, 01:18 PM

This is my dream job and I have worked here fourteen years and have climbed the ranks. There is no way i'm leaving the job. He has been there fifteen years and has climbed even higher.
I also have been looking for love for along time. I rarely find anyone even worthy of consideration.
My options are

Give up this chance of romance and stay single and unhappy.
Retire from this job, be unemployed or working with a huge cut in salary to maintain a relationship that may or may not last.
Take a chance on this.

See why I want to know if he is a good man.

the thing about our management structure is that it it is meritocratous. Therefore all those beneath him on the pyramid had that same chance as him but didn't get there. He has two masters degrees. I think posting here has cleared my head about what I should do.

Thanks

nutbrownhare · 05-09-2009, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ays

My options are

Give up this chance of romance and stay single and unhappy.
Retire from this job, be unemployed or working with a huge cut in salary to maintain a relationship that may or may not last.
Take a chance on this.

See why I want to know if he is a good man.

You are ignoring both other options available, and the likely consequences of this relationship going wrong.

What's preventing you from seeking potential partners outside your workplace, for example?

Why do you see this as your last chance to find a relationship? (It most likely isn't!)

If single = unhappy, it's just a matter of time before being in a relationship = unhappy, too.

Having a relationship with someone you work with carries a lot of potential hassle. In your working situation, this is more than likely - it seems almost certain.

Given all this, whether or not he is a good man is almost incidental ...

ays · 05-09-2009, 05:46 PM

In answer to your questions

What's preventing you from seeking potential partners outside your workplace, for example?

I have worked for 17 years and in that time I have never dated someone that I worked with. I have always dated outside the workplace. They haven't worked out. It is hard to meet like-minded people out there. You get chatted up and asked for your number. You must make up your mind quickly. I hace often regretted giving my number.
Here I'm trying something new. Here I have a chance to mull it over.

Im in my forties i'm running out of time.

My brother met his wife at his job. There are three couples that met and married at my job.

people are always encouraging people on this site to overcome obstacles likes, race age and religion but not work????

Why would being unhappy because im lonely and not in a relationship mean that when im in a relationship I would also be unhappy?

It has been this way all my life Oh Ays you're too fussy, oh ays he's not good enough for you. Oh Ays why can't you find a man. Oh Ays dump him, there are plenty more fish in the sea.
Well the sea stocks are dwindling.

05-08-2009, 06:10 PM	#1
ays Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 94	I can't tell the good from the bad. I have mixed feelings about a guy I worked with. He is very well-read and intelligent. He has a good job and a wide range of interests. He has a good sense of humour, not exactly in sync with mine but close enough. He often buys me lunch. So far I can see nothing wrong with him. I mean he's not perfect. He talks alot, alot, alo about his hobbies and interests and his own view of world but men generally do that. The thing is my male and female coworkers put him down alot and it makes me wonder if I'm missing what they are seeing. He is in a senior position to them, so maybe its normal but as I have no confidence in my ability to judge character( I have had a very bad track record) I'm al ittle swayed by their opinion. Then I think of their spouses and it irriatates me that as their partners are by and large unknown to other members of staff there's a good chance that they are exaggerating their qualities and that this man is as good, if not better than what they have.

05-08-2009, 06:28 PM	#2
forgotten1 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 113	lol...this is funny...well if ur looking to have the prettiest most awesome toy on the block or guy in the work place then yet maybe you should leave this poor guy alone and go mature a bit...or try this...granted i personally wouldnt mess around where i work...but rather then define a guys character on what others think especially those in lesser status who are most likely jealous of his pay check...instead give him a chance and find out if he makes you happy....why do we get so caught up in what others think not only about ourselves but our choice in our SO's. Quite frankily i could give a * * * * if that other person made me feel that much better physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

05-08-2009, 07:10 PM	#3
ays Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 94	I think that you misunderstand me. My post is entitled "I can't tell the good from the bad". I'm looking for a good man, not an awesome toy or any of that rubbish. I have picked men in the past who I thought were good, decent men and they really hurt me. When I reflected later I realised that they were often selfish and immature. This made me lose confidence in my ability to find a good man. I think this man is a good men but I'm afraid that yet again my poor judgement will lead to me being used. So that is why I listen to other people. If he's generally criticised is it because as you say typical office jealousy or is it symptomatic of something in his character?

05-08-2009, 09:32 PM	#5
ays Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 94	They do criticise him for his quirks. They also criticise him for the way he manages the place. They say he hasn't a clue. They say he is stupid. They claim he takes credit for stuff he didn't do. They claim that he misrepresents situations. I have seen his quirks. He does make inappropriate comments.He makes flippant comments that people take seriously. But as for the rest, he seems smart to me, very hard working. Also I have first hand experience of them claiming he took credit for something I did, when in fact that was not the case at all. One of the women I work closley with was extremely close to him for years and used to tell me how nice he was. But they had a massive row last year when he moved her from one office to another to reorganise departments. She and someo ther staff that were moved got into a bitter argument. I'm not sure who was to blame but now she even objects to the manner in which he breathes. His tried to make up with her(not apologise) but she won't hear of it. She was his coffee pal for years. Now i'm the one who goes with him. It makes it a bit tense for me. She has no romantic interest in him. I suppose anyone in management is going to be shredded by staff. I really don't know what to think. I just know that if he plays me there will be alot of I told you so's. as you can imagine the business is already looking askance at me because it is apparent he is fond of me. They speculate that im getting a soft ride because of it, which is utterly untrue. I've been there for years and earned my rank by sheer hard work, a fact that all those in charge are aware of and appreciate.

05-09-2009, 01:18 PM	#7
ays Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 94	This is my dream job and I have worked here fourteen years and have climbed the ranks. There is no way i'm leaving the job. He has been there fifteen years and has climbed even higher. I also have been looking for love for along time. I rarely find anyone even worthy of consideration. My options are Give up this chance of romance and stay single and unhappy. Retire from this job, be unemployed or working with a huge cut in salary to maintain a relationship that may or may not last. Take a chance on this. See why I want to know if he is a good man. the thing about our management structure is that it it is meritocratous. Therefore all those beneath him on the pyramid had that same chance as him but didn't get there. He has two masters degrees. I think posting here has cleared my head about what I should do. Thanks

05-09-2009, 05:46 PM	#9
ays Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 94	In answer to your questions What's preventing you from seeking potential partners outside your workplace, for example? I have worked for 17 years and in that time I have never dated someone that I worked with. I have always dated outside the workplace. They haven't worked out. It is hard to meet like-minded people out there. You get chatted up and asked for your number. You must make up your mind quickly. I hace often regretted giving my number. Here I'm trying something new. Here I have a chance to mull it over. Im in my forties i'm running out of time. My brother met his wife at his job. There are three couples that met and married at my job. people are always encouraging people on this site to overcome obstacles likes, race age and religion but not work???? Why would being unhappy because im lonely and not in a relationship mean that when im in a relationship I would also be unhappy? It has been this way all my life Oh Ays you're too fussy, oh ays he's not good enough for you. Oh Ays why can't you find a man. Oh Ays dump him, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Well the sea stocks are dwindling.