I am addicted to cheating... and I want to stop

Ambar · 05-04-2009, 11:54 PM

Just recently I ended a 4 year relationship after my fiancee found 2 years worth of cheating emails of an affair I had on and off with an optometrist friend of mine and a fling I had with a soldier.

When he found out I felt extremely ruined, but I knew the day would come. In an odd way I found relief because I was really unhappy and had asked God just before the incident to help me straighten out life. To my surprise it came soon and he left the house leaving all the emails printed, scattered, all over our bedroom.

After the incident, I moved out but my ex found where I was living and regardless of hating me in the heat of the moment, kept visiting me for short periods daily.

I feel real terrible for decieving him so , but I know that what I have is an addiction to either sex or I really don't know. I'm 26 and I want to stop the vicious cycle I have of ruining ALL of my relationships this way. I grew up in a home where my father cheated on my mother constantly, and it kills me to know I'm just as much a monster as my father was.

In a nutshell the cheating in the 4 year relationship began when I was sexually assaulted by a co-worker while helping in the hurricane katrina relief. I had not cheated in my relationship but after being sexually assaulted I had no support from anyone and drank heavily that day and ended up with someone else that night. I wanted to get the other guy off of me and I strangely did what I did with this other guy. I told my ex fiancee once I was back home, and we both cried and decided that we would never speak of that again.

Other things also hindered our relationship: the economy, him losing his job and gettig really in debt, lack of sexual interest of me from his part, making his home office at the house and not handling his anger well...etc
And with that I found the basis to begin an affair (with the optometrist friend)that he caught me in (twice), but let it go because he loved me. This was the guy I began seeing down the road only to be caught in the end. The soldier guy was a one night stand.

During those 4 years I had tride numerous times to commit suicide, almost successfully succeeding by running the car barely off a bridge. I didn't want to cheat, I hated who I was, but I didn't want t lose him regardless of how everything was between us.

I want to see him happy, and I let him know that it obviously will not be with me because of all that has happend. Yet I want to change, I want to change the destructive pattern I have but I have no money for a therapist.

Are there any resources for people who geniunely need to make a change?
Are there any online support goups or any resources that can help me work through this issue?

Help

dreamwarrior · 05-05-2009, 12:07 AM

So sorry you are having such a tumulus time in your life. Your 20's are very confusing times for some people...they are learning years, 30's are more like deciding years, and 40's are knowing what you want years.

Sounds like you are quite confused at the moment, but don't worry you will come out of it just fine. Start perhaps seeking some type of help through free clinics, churches, catholic charities, look online that will be a good start.

Your a good person just making poor choices at the present time...nobody is perfect...just learn from your mistakes and rise above the tragedies of your life and look deep inside your heart and soul to really understand what it is you truly want from the short life we all get.

From what you wrote your bf sounds very nice...so sorry he hurting from all of this too....perhaps you need to spend a bit of time with yourself before you seek any relationships...and once you are feeling stronger then give your love to someone.

Best wishes to you.

simply complicated · 05-05-2009, 12:45 AM

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you, most women have different ways of dealing with being sexually assualted and I could only imagine how difficult it must be, my mother was sexually assaulted when she was younger, and would have killed the guy who did it, but luckily for the guy, the gun wasn't loaded.
However, despite these things happening, I don't really think it's fair to use them as a smoke screen, if your BF of 4 years lost his job and was going through difficult times himself, why would it be ok to go off with someone else, it seems that him losing his job and being upset are just excuses as to why you went off with some other guy.

Don't get me wrong, it's just i've heard the same type of excuses when I found out my girl cheated, I asked her why, and she gave me the song and dance about her mother dying and all these other crappy things that happened to her, but in reality they were just excuses.
You ever concider that your simply not ready to settle down, afterall your 26, still young.

Joshb · 05-05-2009, 11:31 AM

i a agree with the poster above, sounds like excuses for a deeper problem for sure. You dont love somebody, and because they loss a job and times are rough sleep with someone else. thats called self control, your acting off impulses. Ive always heard those same excuses.

Ive never cheated, have i thought about it sure, but i loved the person, and knew i couldnt deal with the guilt. maybe you do have a sex addiction? I would really recommend getting professional help. Ive been cheated on before, my ex was kinda a nympho, and slept around, cheated on me, the emails. 1st month in mind you. She changed her life around drastically, was ashamed. Its not to late, get help.

Ambar · 05-05-2009, 02:54 PM

I understand. I know I was weak for cheating on him when everything was crumbling up. I felt that everything that was going on between us was his fault since I trusted him when he said he would take care of everything, and it ended up that I had to take care of everything. I know I need help, but thats what my main question is : where?

Ambar · 05-05-2009, 02:57 PM

Thats what I'm doing. I moved to the USA and am trying to get my spiritual life going. I need to start controlling myself and make better decisions. A time alone will helpo me know myself better.

05-04-2009, 11:54 PM	#1
Ambar Offline Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Puerto Rico Gender: Female Posts: 3	I am addicted to cheating... and I want to stop Just recently I ended a 4 year relationship after my fiancee found 2 years worth of cheating emails of an affair I had on and off with an optometrist friend of mine and a fling I had with a soldier. When he found out I felt extremely ruined, but I knew the day would come. In an odd way I found relief because I was really unhappy and had asked God just before the incident to help me straighten out life. To my surprise it came soon and he left the house leaving all the emails printed, scattered, all over our bedroom. After the incident, I moved out but my ex found where I was living and regardless of hating me in the heat of the moment, kept visiting me for short periods daily. I feel real terrible for decieving him so , but I know that what I have is an addiction to either sex or I really don't know. I'm 26 and I want to stop the vicious cycle I have of ruining ALL of my relationships this way. I grew up in a home where my father cheated on my mother constantly, and it kills me to know I'm just as much a monster as my father was. In a nutshell the cheating in the 4 year relationship began when I was sexually assaulted by a co-worker while helping in the hurricane katrina relief. I had not cheated in my relationship but after being sexually assaulted I had no support from anyone and drank heavily that day and ended up with someone else that night. I wanted to get the other guy off of me and I strangely did what I did with this other guy. I told my ex fiancee once I was back home, and we both cried and decided that we would never speak of that again. Other things also hindered our relationship: the economy, him losing his job and gettig really in debt, lack of sexual interest of me from his part, making his home office at the house and not handling his anger well...etc And with that I found the basis to begin an affair (with the optometrist friend)that he caught me in (twice), but let it go because he loved me. This was the guy I began seeing down the road only to be caught in the end. The soldier guy was a one night stand. During those 4 years I had tride numerous times to commit suicide, almost successfully succeeding by running the car barely off a bridge. I didn't want to cheat, I hated who I was, but I didn't want t lose him regardless of how everything was between us. I want to see him happy, and I let him know that it obviously will not be with me because of all that has happend. Yet I want to change, I want to change the destructive pattern I have but I have no money for a therapist. Are there any resources for people who geniunely need to make a change? Are there any online support goups or any resources that can help me work through this issue? Help

05-05-2009, 12:07 AM	#2
dreamwarrior Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Somewhere In Time Gender: Female Age: 45 Posts: 1,791	So sorry you are having such a tumulus time in your life. Your 20's are very confusing times for some people...they are learning years, 30's are more like deciding years, and 40's are knowing what you want years. Sounds like you are quite confused at the moment, but don't worry you will come out of it just fine. Start perhaps seeking some type of help through free clinics, churches, catholic charities, look online that will be a good start. Your a good person just making poor choices at the present time...nobody is perfect...just learn from your mistakes and rise above the tragedies of your life and look deep inside your heart and soul to really understand what it is you truly want from the short life we all get. From what you wrote your bf sounds very nice...so sorry he hurting from all of this too....perhaps you need to spend a bit of time with yourself before you seek any relationships...and once you are feeling stronger then give your love to someone. Best wishes to you. __________________ "If you can't do better for me than what I am doing for myself don't waste my time or yours". ~dreamwarrior~ <--------------My Son The only limitations in life are the ones in your mind. ~dreamwarrior~

05-05-2009, 12:45 AM	#3
simply complicated Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Gender: None Specified Age: 25 Posts: 955	I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you, most women have different ways of dealing with being sexually assualted and I could only imagine how difficult it must be, my mother was sexually assaulted when she was younger, and would have killed the guy who did it, but luckily for the guy, the gun wasn't loaded. However, despite these things happening, I don't really think it's fair to use them as a smoke screen, if your BF of 4 years lost his job and was going through difficult times himself, why would it be ok to go off with someone else, it seems that him losing his job and being upset are just excuses as to why you went off with some other guy. Don't get me wrong, it's just i've heard the same type of excuses when I found out my girl cheated, I asked her why, and she gave me the song and dance about her mother dying and all these other crappy things that happened to her, but in reality they were just excuses. You ever concider that your simply not ready to settle down, afterall your 26, still young.

05-05-2009, 11:31 AM	#4
Joshb Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 143	i a agree with the poster above, sounds like excuses for a deeper problem for sure. You dont love somebody, and because they loss a job and times are rough sleep with someone else. thats called self control, your acting off impulses. Ive always heard those same excuses. Ive never cheated, have i thought about it sure, but i loved the person, and knew i couldnt deal with the guilt. maybe you do have a sex addiction? I would really recommend getting professional help. Ive been cheated on before, my ex was kinda a nympho, and slept around, cheated on me, the emails. 1st month in mind you. She changed her life around drastically, was ashamed. Its not to late, get help.

05-05-2009, 02:54 PM	#5
Ambar Offline Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Puerto Rico Gender: Female Posts: 3	I understand. I know I was weak for cheating on him when everything was crumbling up. I felt that everything that was going on between us was his fault since I trusted him when he said he would take care of everything, and it ended up that I had to take care of everything. I know I need help, but thats what my main question is : where?

05-05-2009, 02:57 PM	#6
Ambar Offline Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Puerto Rico Gender: Female Posts: 3	Thats what I'm doing. I moved to the USA and am trying to get my spiritual life going. I need to start controlling myself and make better decisions. A time alone will helpo me know myself better.