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How can a married man with a jealous wife maintain close female friends?


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I have a concern regarding making friends with women.

 

I am dedicated to my wife and have been for a long time. We are incredibly close - best friends, definitely - and I have never been unfaithful to her. However, she is VERY threatened by other women and becomes quite jealous. Then it's disguised as insults or slams on who the other woman is as a person (looks, talents, job, etc). This generally happens even if I'm friends with the other woman, and my wife is not. When she becomes good friends with the women I make friends with, everything is fine. But if it's someone I just met, or someone she rarely sees, she gets very catty and makes me feel like they're not worthwhile having as a friend. She’ll often do this until she actually meets the person – then she’ll either dislike them and stay catty, or suddenly try to be better friends with them than I am.

 

So - here's my dilemma. I am going through counseling to try and be more independent. Part of this is me growing beyond fears of my wife's over reactions to things that are considered socially acceptable by others. I am an actor, so having female friends is just accepted as normal (and necessary, even). Here's what I see happening repeatedly with women:

 

I meet a woman on the first day. It usually goes incredibly well and I feel like a friendship is definitely a possibility. Then I go home and tell my wife about the friendship - and she seems utterly disinterested in hearing about it, and often makes me feel "guilty" that I'm talking to other women at all. I'm not trying to flirt with them, I'm not trying to get with them - but it's as if any excitement over a female friend (or, hell, even many male friends) is quashed by some sort of insecurity in my wife. Then I start feeling awkward around the woman and the friendship sort of fades away. Maybe I'm doing something subconsciously, respecting my wife's wishes? Maybe it's that I don't show interest in them as women? I have witnessed a lot of women aren’t interested in being my friend once they know I'm married (I wear my ring, and I always tell on first meeting once I get to it in the conversation).

 

What bothers me is how other men's wives feel about these sorts of friendships. I can't tell if I'm just naturally more respectful to my wife, or if I'm afraid to bring out this competitive woman my wife becomes, or if she's convinced me that these women are really as bad as she claims. She acts like every woman is after me so she clings. And it's always "It's not that i don't trust you, but it's that I don't trust them."

 

So - battle lines are often draw. I've lost a lot of platonic girlfriends over her. My counselor says that's probably a sign of something wrong within my wife which she needs to come to terms with and there's nothing worng with female friends. I've also heard that a lot of married men have healthy relationships with women that have an element of flirty-ness" to them - but I feel like I can't even compliment a woman on anything without encouraging the wraith of my wife.

 

So what is a healthy way for a man to be friends with a woman? How can I show my wife that they are not threatening this relationship? And can anybody explain how married men in healthy relationships can maintain a healthy female friend relationship, still seeming like a man, but not crossing any inappropriate lines of complimenting or touch? As I said - I don't feel like I can even touch or hug other women whom my wife hasn't "approved" of, mind you, without her getting angry.

 

And - my wife has conditioned me into thinking that any compliment will be misconstrued as sexual interest. I never viewed it that way before meeting her, but that's how she views the world. And I feel like I am viewing the world that way on an artificial level - like I'm struggling with that concept, disagreeing with it on the inside, but hitting into it like a brick wall when I try to confront it. Because I've listened to it for so long, I think I now believe it. Is that true? Or is it safe for me to pass a compliment without it being construed as such? I just want to stop feeling like I can't say ANYTHING to a woman without it being taken as a flirtatious advance. My wife thinks that if someone is nice to her, it means they're interested - earlier in our relationship, I disagreeed with her opinion, but I feel that sort of drifted away somewhere and I don't know how to express that anymore. And I wish my wife would trust me enough that I know if and when it gets too far, and that I will put on the brakes. What ends up happening is that I never get close to anyone (although she does all the time). And I want that to change (and we've talked about it, and she knows my feelings, but I still feel that level of tension from her).

 

So I guess this might be even broader than I believed - how do I get over these fears of being close to someone as a friend (male or female) without feeling I will incur my wife's anger over the friendship?

 

Thank you for the advice.

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Well. I'd feel uncomfortable with my guy complimenting anyone or being SUPER close to them. But I have no problems with his friends that are girls that are completely platonic as in they have a laught together, hang out together. I trust that.

 

Unfortunatley all you can do is keep reassuring her and that does get tiring. You should be allowed to have friends.

 

Have you been to counselling together?

 

Id be uncomfortable with them being too close and I wonder a little bit WHy you need to many female friends? Or is it just people you meet, click with and would like to continue a relationship with (platonic) and your wife wouldnt understand that?

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I don't think it's that the OP feels that he needs female friends. It just sounds like he's met people who happen to be female that he feels very awkward around them because he's afraid to upset his wife.

OP, does your wife go to counseling as well? It sounds like she has big insecurity issues.

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I am an actor, so having female friends is just accepted as normal (and necessary, even). Here's what I see happening repeatedly with women:

 

I meet a woman on the first day. It usually goes incredibly well and I feel like a friendship is definitely a possibility. Then I go home and tell my wife about the friendship - and she seems utterly disinterested in hearing about it, and often makes me feel "guilty" that I'm talking to other women at all.

It's interesting that you seem to be concentrating on making female friends and that may be why she is jealous. Because friendships - if just friendships - develop between people as people, regardless of their gender.

 

Perhaps you are just as keen to make friends of men as well as women - but it isn't coming accross like that in your post.

 

BTW - I have never heard that it is necessary for an actor to have female friends any more than anyone else.

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I'm kind of with your wife on this one. From my experience, the women who have befriended my husband seemed to want to snatch him. One used to cook him elaborate meals and talk about how lonely she was. Another would stop over in sexy shorts skirts and say how much she missed her fiance. Luckily I'm much better looking than either of them, or it may have bothered me too.

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Well, there has to be some boundaries in place with respect to female friends when you're married. It sounds like you're completely up front with your wife about making new friends. It does seem like she has a jealousy problem. Especially if you're open about it and try to include her in the friendships... that should tell her you have no untoward intentions. You did mention it extends to male friends as well.

 

But think about these things to put it in perspective... people often cheat with the opposite sex friend they've gotten too close to. Women are especially sensitive to this. Sometimes, there is a latent attraction toward an opposite sex friend, and a spouse often tunes in to that before you do. You say you compliment other women - do you also compliment your wife? It would kill me to hear my boyfriend give some other woman a compliment and know that he never says anything of that nature to me.

 

Also, you're an actor - chances are the new females you're meeting are highly attractive. Even if your wife is just as attractive or more, this can still be very unsettling.

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I've essentially been the kind of guy whose only ever had female friends. Most of my good friends now (who my wife approved of and is now friends with) are women. It's just the way I've sort of led my life. I talk to my wife about them because I don't want to feel like I'm hiding things. Believe me, if I thought it wouldn't drive a wedge between us, I'd probably not worry about it and keep all this a secret.

 

It's one of the reasons we're working toward counseling. My wife forced out a lot of my old friends when we first started going out. Early in our relationship, in college, she would always ask me why I held onto my high school friends, and she essentially acted like any high school friends weren't worth having. And after hearing this enough - I think I started to believe it. And - on more than one occasion - she had asked me to stop being talking to my best (platonic female) friends in high school specifically. I obliged because I was blindly smitten with her. However - after marrying her and being with her for several years - she's still very close to several of her high school friends. But I'm stuck with this twisted and confused mentality that leaves me torn. I probably should have noticed it when I started getting close to some people in college, and my wife treated me like all I needed was her - and I stupidly believed that - so I drifted form those friends as well (part of that was because she didn't like most of the people we went to college with - I was just more open to being friends with them than she was). History just keeps repeating itself.

 

So with all this counseling I'm going through personally, I'm realizing all of these unhealthy aspects of my being. I want to be the best person I can. And part of it has to do with me just learning to not be so afraid of getting close to someone in a healthy way just because my wife acts irrationally about it.

 

I essentially want to be friends with most everybody I can be. I know it's not possible, so I put myself out there to see how things develop. Not all friendships work out, but some do - but I feel like more would if I wasn't so afraid. And my problem comes from me avoiding becoming close to people, a problem I never had before meeting my wife. So I guess I'm just not sure how to get close to people anymore.

 

And I do compliment my wife a lot - on her looks, her talents, her clothes - but she always values everyone else's opinion more, and then demands more from me. That's an issue we're working on together and have been for a long time. I give her a compliment, she smiles, but then - she needs another compliment right away. It's one of those warning signs that things are not right in the relationship. I'm working on that in my counseling session right now. My mother is actually helping us the the cost - but my wife says she just doesn't have the time to go. So I'm going on my own learn how to be a better individual - but the counseor believes she would also benefit from individual therapy. My therapist actually has a lot of concern that the relationship was built on unhealthy ground, and most of it was sprining from being so young (and now being so codependent). So - there's definitely an innate problem in the relationship. It's just pinpointing where those issues fall and if we can be full people within this relationship.

 

PS. And in regards to DN questions - I only say it's important for actors to have women friends because we meet so many women in the business and have to develop a good chemistry on stage with them, and being friendly with them helps ease the tension of acting romatically. Can I fake it? Sure - but there's something extra there that the audience can read if you are both comfortable enough with each other. So I think what I meant by that is that I need to learn to not be so closed off because I feel my fears of my wife have been starting to bleed into my performance. It may not read as such, but since acting is about feeling and being open to give and receive, I can't be as dynamic of an actor with this kind of emotional roadblock. One of the red flags that our relationship was having problems is that in the last few years these fears have been seeping into my work and I am feeling awkward in love scenes on stage. And being an actor first who's a romantic lead type, that's no good. It's what I went to college for, it's what I pictured myself doing thirty years from now (marriage was NOT in my original plan). So I'm trying to find some sense of balance, and an acting coach can only go so far (in fact, one whom I confided in recommended therapy to work those issues out within myself to open myself up). Hope that makes sense...

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I don't understand why you continue to go home talking to your wife about every woman you meet. Are you secretly enjoying her misery? Why not talk about anything but your girlfriends? You know what will happen to her when you do this, so just stop doing it. ??????????

 

 

Maybe the OP feels that it's better than having his wife think he's keeping secrets from her.

If I was with a guy, I'd be more concerned about him being dishonest about his female friends.

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I'm with everyone else. I have no problems with my fiance having close female friends but the only close female friends that I am comfortable with him having are the ones that have been around longer than I have. I wouldn't be comfortable with him going out of his way to make just female friends in which judging by your post that seems to be your main focus. If I was your wife, i'd probably be jealous as well. There is no reason for you to be going out of your way just to find close female friends, you can make or have female friends but no reason to be seeking such a close friendship. Besides, if it makes your wife uncomfortable why would you want to do it?

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I'm with everyone else. I have no problems with my fiance having close female friends but the only close female friends that I am comfortable with him having are the ones that have been around longer than I have. I wouldn't be comfortable with him going out of his way to make just female friends in which judging by your post that seems to be your main focus. If I was your wife, i'd probably be jealous as well. There is no reason for you to be going out of your way just to find close female friends, you can make or have female friends but no reason to be seeking such a close friendship. Besides, if it makes your wife uncomfortable why would you want to do it?

 

I'm not going out of my way to make female friends. It just happens to be that my wife makes every female relationship I've had into something sexual and unhealthy. And it's flat out not true. And I have found that I have subconsciously avoided becoming good friends with any females because I'm afraid my wife wouldn't like it. And I chose not to hide it because I have nothing to hide.

 

Here's a general idea of how these things tend to go down:

 

"Hi sweetie. So I met some cool people at rehearsal tonight. *talk about other people* And then Jamie is playing *such and such*, and they all seems pretty cool." to which she expresses indifference. "Yeah, sure."

 

And then a few days later in casual conversation - having talked about other people in this or other conversations as well - "So while sitting around at rehearsal, Jamie said she saw *such and such movie* and is a big fan or *such and such director*. So we had a pretty cool talk about *director such and such*. So that's another person that totally agrees with us."

 

Again, a level of total indifference.

 

Again a few days later, in a conversation specifically about how my show is going - "So I'm actually working really well on stage with Jamie. We're really starting to hit a stride." Then my wife turns around with the "Be careful, She's probably interested in you. I trust you, I don't trust her." *for a side note, my wife's an actress too, and I don't get jealous about her stage stuff* I reassure her she can trust me, but she says "But I wouldn't trust her."

 

This tension keeps building with me and my wife - until I'm basically distant from my wife, and afraid to even talk to this woman in the green room. She'll come see the show - and tell me I was so much better than "Jamie" was, and that she didn't have any chemistry with me on stage - but it wasn't me, it was her. She can't act."

 

So - that's a bit of a specific example, and she's had bigger freak outs before - but she's always saying things like "I didn't like the way she was looking at you" or "she seems so full of herself" or "she really can't sing very well, and I know singing" or "why would you want to be friends with her? she's kind of annoying." She insults them. Makes me feel belittled if I want to be their friend. Judges everything they do, and judges me if I don't see it.

 

My wife has a much easier time making friends with guys, and I don't mind. Because I trust her. But I feel like she doesn't really trust me and, though she says she does, she probably never will until she resolves her own issues.

 

So in summary, nothing malicious about female friends - nothing malicious toward my wife - I'm not trying to sneak around behind her back - and I'm not specifically looking for female friends. It just happens to be the main part of this problem has to do with me getting close to anyone - but I notice it most when it comes down to female friends.

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Why would a married man with a jealous wife want to maintain close female friends?

 

Contacts, acquaintances, casual friends, fine. But close friends? Why do you need that?

 

Just because you become married doesn't mean you no longer need confidants and that your close friendships no longer need to be kept up because one now has a spouse. All of my friends, as in actual friends, are female. My significant other wouldn't dictate my friendships as I don't dictate theirs.

 

Here's a question for you:

 

Why would becoming married mean forsaking friendships regardless of jealousy issues?

 

Jealousy can only be fixed by the one having it and no one else, that's called enabling by staying away from friends solely to soothe jealousy.

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If there is nothing to hide, then why mention them at all? Unless you are meeting up wtih them after work, going out for drinks, something inappropriate then there is no need to talk about them, is there?

 

I guess I'm not getting it. First you say all your friends are women, then you say you aren't out looking for female friends. I guess you know the odds are highly against your marriage with the situation. Hopefully you will decide to focus on the marriage instead of the ladies at work so much. Either get this straightened out now, once and for all or you could end up like this couple. What a sad way to enter your golden years.

 

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I doubt your wife will change very much, and I am afraid you won't either.

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If there is nothing to hide, then why mention them at all? Unless you are meeting up wtih them after work, going out for drinks, something inappropriate then there is no need to talk about them, is there?

 

 

That is the part i'm not getting either.. If you interact with females throughout the day that is fine, but seriously why do you feel the need to tell your wife about every time you interact with them? Maybe your wife feels you are trying to rub into her face everytime you come into contact with another female to make her jealous. As Miss Firecracker said unless you are doing inappropriate things with them at inappropriate times do you really feel the need to tell your wife about the conversations?

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When you come home....how was your wife s day? Im wondering if she feels full enuf..what i mean is..if she feels like you are genuinely interested in Her and her day...what she s been thinking about..what she s dreaMing about.......if she feels seen and heard and experiences enuf tenderness, eYe contact,touch, YOU BEING your soft intimate self with her.....

 

Is she satisfied emotionally?

 

Please dont get me wrong..i can see she may have some issues totally aside from this....but im just wondering what the setting is when you come home?

 

Do you sit down to a meal she has prepared....and launch into talking all about you and your new pals?

 

Is she working?

 

Both being in same proffession...if she is not working..that could be part of prob too....proffessional envy

 

it could be more than just the girls....i get the feeling the girls are more like the main course of the problem..but the whole ISSUE MAY HAVE several courses.

 

Only you know that tho hey?

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OP, sorry, you can't pretend you are single anymore and go out of your way to make close female friends. You are married. You should keep the close female friends you had in the past and just have casual female accquaintances.

 

You are a guy, is it so hard to make close guy friends? Yeah I know you are an actor and want to network, but you are going out of your way to make close opposite sex friends. That's just wrong.

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