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  1. #1

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    My boyfriend goes on dating sites

    Afternoon everyone X


    I'm a 20 year old girl, I'm in my very first relationship.
    I've recently discovered my boyfriend has been going on sex/dating sites under a different name. Whats worse is that these sites are for people looking to hook up with oneanother. I'm very deeply hurt.
    The way I discovered this is very wrong. I looked though his e mails. I will never do this again, no matter how curious..I know it was very wrong and it is my own fault, but had I not looked I would have never known..yet I wish I didnt.
    I've always been a little bit jealous and suspicious. Even though he swears if he cheated on me, the guilt would kill him...that he was physically incapable. I believed him. As far as I know he has never cheated.
    My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and are very close, we have been together for basically a year. We met as pen pals and fell in love with eachother through our letters.
    I thought what we had was very very special, this boy has everything in common with me means the world to me and we love eachother very much.
    He has a fear of commitment and if he found out I had been looking through his e mails he would never forgive me, feel very afraid and I would loose him.
    Finding this out devestated me I've been in tatters all day and he can never ever know. What do I do? I feel at a loss, how do I confront him with this?
    I feel this dating site is a form of cheating in its own way. Yet I was wrong to look through his mail. Please help..I don't know what to do. He is coming to England to see me in two days-do I wait till then and confront him or do I forget and hope that he is a good man afterall?

    Thank you

    D X

  2. #2
    Super Moderator SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    Well I wouldnt care at all if he dumped me cos I snooped if he was on dating sites. Could you not say one of your friends spotted his profile on the site? Or just be truthful. Yes it is wrong to snoop but you've learnt something important.

    Are you sure these profiles are active?

    Has he beent alking to anyone about hooking up?

    Be careful you dont over react these might be from before you met him. But about him sayings hes a fear of commitment and THEN to find these emails I'd be very worried and perhaps cut my losses and leave.

    Edit: And yes its good you didt his because now you knwo the truth. that his fear of commitment could be an indicator hes been cheating. And Like BellaDonna said. Get an STD test if you have any suspicions.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to enotalone.

    He has a fear of commitment and if he found out I had been looking through his e mails he would never forgive me, feel very afraid and I would loose him.
    I am so sorry you are going through this, but your overall response to it has me a bit concerned. If he is cheating on you like this, is he really much to "lose"?

    Put the 2 acts on a scale:

    Snooping
    vs.
    Cheating

    In my opoinion, Cheating is the far worse evil. He should be apologizing to you in fear of losing you. If you confront him about the cheating and he is anything less than sorry, and tries to make you the bigger "evil" because you looked at his e-mail- then clearly he is only sorry that he got caught and could care less about the relationship.

    I think you should move on. Also get checked for STD's because if he is on sites to hook-up for sex, you cannot rule out that he could have already physically cheated.

    I'm so sorry.
    Carly, don't be sad
    Life is crazy, life is mad
    Don't be afraid
    Carly, don't be sad
    That's your destiny, the only chance
    Take it, take it in your hands



    Well behaved women rarely make history.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
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    I've recently discovered my boyfriend has been going on sex/dating sites under a different name. Whats worse is that these sites are for people looking to hook up with oneanother
    I guess instead of never looking again, I would handle it differently- I would keep looking until I had more to go on- for instance if he actually made plans to meet up with someone- and I would show up there and shock him.

    If you are in an LDR and find that he made plans to hook up at a certain date/time- then I would ask to call, or chat online during that same time and see what he says. That will show what he's made of.
    Carly, don't be sad
    Life is crazy, life is mad
    Don't be afraid
    Carly, don't be sad
    That's your destiny, the only chance
    Take it, take it in your hands



    Well behaved women rarely make history.

  5. #5

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    Thank you for your reply. X
    He was using them 4 or 5 months into our relationship...I'm not sure if they are still active it is all written in Danish, which is where he is from.
    I couldnt bear to loose him,
    I'm not sure if you could call it a fear of commitment. He still hasnt told me he loves me..I've told him many times. He says'you don't need to hear it do you? It wont make our relationship better.' and 'Just because I don't say it doesnt mean I dont feel it.' and berates me if I say it hurts me when he doesnt say it...
    yet I don't think I would be so concerned with him cheating or finding someone new if he did say it...

  6. #6
    Super Moderator SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    Well if it was during your relationship its pretty unacceptable.

    You could bear to loose someone who cheated on you (possibly) and put you at risk of STD's (possibly) why would you want to be with someone like that?

    There are many red flags here.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
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    Ok- so he has

    a.) tried to hook up sexually with others while you have been with him
    b.) won't say "I love you"
    c.) berates you for your feelings

    Why are you holding on to such a toxic person?

    You are young and this is your first relationship, so I know it must be hard to know what to do- but if you love YOURSELF at all, you should realize that you deserve much better than this.

    You also mention that you have issues with jealousy and insecurity- but dating sites are dating sites- if you saw them and you know they are 100% his profiles because they were through his e-mail, then evidence pretty much speaks for itself. The only other thing I can think of would be if it were Spam e-mail sent to his account.
    Carly, don't be sad
    Life is crazy, life is mad
    Don't be afraid
    Carly, don't be sad
    That's your destiny, the only chance
    Take it, take it in your hands



    Well behaved women rarely make history.

  8. #8
    Super Moderator agent's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chiffon View Post
    Thank you for your reply. X
    I'm not sure if you could call it a fear of commitment. He still hasnt told me he loves me..I've told him many times. He says'you don't need to hear it do you? It wont make our relationship better.' and 'Just because I don't say it doesnt mean I dont feel it.' and berates me if I say it hurts me when he doesnt say it...
    yet I don't think I would be so concerned with him cheating or finding someone new if he did say it...
    Words are words. They don't mean anything.

    What is important is the way he treats you, and this doesn't make him sound like a bf I'd want.
    To me, this doesn't sound like a fear of commitment, but of him just not being anywhere near as involved in the relationship as you are.
    Have you actually ever met? Because maybe he just doesn't think of what you have as a "real" relationship?
    By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. - Confucius

    You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too.- Anais Nin

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