Religious beliefs in a serious relationship

Ernie08 · 04-25-2009, 09:44 AM

Hey all,
I need some serious advice. I've just finished my degree and have been going out with this girl for 2.5 years or so. I figured since we've been in the serious relationship for so long, and we're essentially best friends that we should find a 2bdrm apartment. I have a few reasons for wanting this. One, we're both living in shared accommodations with housemates that we don't particularly get along with. She has trouble collecting money for bills from one of her housemates, and she's always complaining about it. Two, I'd like to see how living together would be BEFORE marriage. I feel like it'd alleviate some stress of marriage by seeing if we can actually live together. Also, by having separate bedrooms, it'd allow for some privacy still.
I guess the biggest concern is that she has strong Christian beliefs. She believes in no sex before marriage, and such. When I suggested the moving in thing, she immediately shot it down saying her parents would be too upset.
So what I'd like to know is your opinion on this. Seeing as how I'm an atheist, am I setting myself up for a rocky road to possibly spend my life with someone who doesn't share the same beliefs as I do? Honestly, the sex before marriage thing is not a big deal to me, I can wait. There's more to a relationship than sex, but I also feel like I'm constantly doing the sacrifices in our relationship to accommodate her beliefs.
Should I break it off and save myself the pain of breaking off an even longer relationship with this girl, or should I wait it out and hope we can work things out despite our differences?
Thanks for any advice, I'd ask my friends but they're all a bunch of standard college guys who are just looking to get laid (so their advice is pretty biased)

hersmudders · 04-25-2009, 10:03 AM

I personally coudlnt be in a relationship with beliefs so different from my own. I'm no longer an atheist but I still couldn't date someone with Christian beliefs. So it's up to you to decide if you can live with strong beliefs liek that. If you have children, whose beliefs will they take on? Things like that are what you really need to discuss.

I will say, though, that it is possible to live together before marriage without having sex. Two of my friends did it. They were together 7 years and lived together 4 years before they got married. He was a virgin on his wedding night. For 3 of the years they lived together, they lived with his parents but had separate bedrooms. The year before they married, they had a 2-bedroom apartment and had separate bedrooms (with twin beds!). They made it work and they are glad they lived together before they married but still had the virtues they held important in place.

Bt you also shouldn't move in together for convenience. It should be a mutual decision b/c you both want to, not b/c it'll be easier on both of you to do it.

agent · 04-25-2009, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Seeing as how I'm an atheist, am I setting myself up for a rocky road to possibly spend my life with someone who doesn't share the same beliefs as I do

As you don't say she has moderate Christian beliefs, but strong Christian beliefs then obviously the answer is yes.

You already feels the discrepancy in how often she accomodates your beliefs against how often you accomodate hers. It's not something that will change.

And if you decide to marry, have kids ect, ect... then all of those things will be important to her in being done in a way inkeeping with her beliefs.

Ernie08 · 04-25-2009, 10:12 AM

You both make really good points.

p3rf3ct: I'm not really sure how much should be needed to really say enough is enough to a relationship and say that we've given it a good attempt. We're essentially best friends, always spending time together as we enjoy the same things. She's the perfect match for me, minus the religion.

hersmudders: I understand your point, we have actually talked about children and such. I used to go to church as a child and honestly wouldn't mind if my kids had the opportunity to go to church so they can see that perspective on life. Just because I don't agree with it, doesn't mean I should take that from my children. However, as I told her and she agrees, that once the kid turns a reasonable age and is able to make their own decision, that we should respect that decision (whether it be Christian, Atheist or whatever). It's their life and they should do what makes them happy.
I agree with your point about living together without having sex. I don't think this is why she's saying no to moving in together however. I think it's purely because it would upset her parents, which is what bothers me the most. We've been a decent amount of time together without having sex, and most of our free time is spent together so I feel she knows I'm more than willing to wait for sex after marriage. I guess I just wanted a better reason than "I don't want to upset my parents"...

agent: I see what you mean, but you don't think a person with strong Christian beliefs can respect the decision of their children to become Atheist or whichever path they take?

Nixee · 04-25-2009, 10:15 AM

wow... 2.5 years is a long time and a pretty serious relationship to consider giving up, and I am sure you must have a lot of feelings and caring for this girl, but I do have to be honest with you since you asked....

Since she is so strongly christian (and I'm assuming would never convert to your way of thinking/believing), and you are atheist (and I'll assume you are also secure in what you believe), how do you envision a future with her working out? You mention the sex thing... but what beyond that? So you get married, and finally have sex.... what then?

Do you never discuss beliefs? Do you never share deeper thoughts with your partner? Does she go to church on Sunday while you stay home? How do you raise children (if you have them)?

And as you mentioned already, you already feel like you are constantly sacrificing in the relationship for her beliefs. Have you talked to her about this? What sacrifices would she be willing to make for your beliefs? Does she respect your beliefs at all? Or would she be hoping you would eventually convert?

It may be possible to work things out, but one of the most important aspects in a solid relationship is having similar values and goals... and it sounds like you two may face a major obstacle.

Ernie08 · 04-25-2009, 10:27 AM

Nixee: I see what you mean, some very interesting points. I'm very comfortable in my Atheist beliefs. I'm not shameful in believing that there is no god, or that I have any intention in "letting god in to my life". I'm pretty sure I've made that completely clear to her, so I'd hope by now she doesn't expect I'll just randomly start believing in god again.
I just don't discuss religious beliefs enough because they have no significance to my life. We've discussed the possibilities of children and church if we were to get married. For one, I'm perfectly fine with getting married in a church, if that is important to her (another sacrifice I'm taking). I'm also fine with her going to church on Sundays with the children, so long as she respects their decision to either continue or discontinue going after they've reached an age where they're mature enough to make their own decisions. We've discussed these types of things with regard to religious beliefs, but never really much about god and bible things.
I haven't really talked much about the sacrifices I'm doing to her. I guess I assumed she knew I was making sacrifices for her, but you definitely make a good point here that I'm going to have to think about and talk about with her.

I appreciate the opinions and time you guys are taking to give advice. All good points. Thanks!

dragon lady · 04-25-2009, 10:29 AM

As an atheist myself, there's no way I would put up with that. It's not just the beliefs (I'd date a liberal christian), it's the difference in values and lifestyle. We just wouldn't mesh. Personally, I think you're being walked all over.

Ernie08 · 04-25-2009, 10:38 AM

p3rf3ct: Well do you feel not wanting to upset your parents is a valid reason for not moving in together? I mean, I'm sure most parents wouldn't be pleased at first when finding out their daughter is moving in with a guy, but eventually they'd understand...

Nixee · 04-25-2009, 10:38 AM

When it comes down to it, it really isn't a religion issue. It is a compatibility issue, and a give and take issue.

Couples who love each other should give equally to the relationship, and should feel comfortable with one another... like they are "on the same team" so to speak.

I can't help but worry for you, in this situation, that you might have to be working out an arrangement constantly just to make things work because you are so basically incompatible on these many levels.

You sound like a great guy willing to make so many sacrifices in the name of love. But one has to ask: At what point should love stop being about sacrifice and start becoming easier?

If she wants to be with you as well, and she is equally as willing to make the sacrifices and try to make things work... you may have a shot and I say good luck. But it is a hard situation.

HellFrost666 · 04-25-2009, 10:42 AM

I am a firm believer that two people with different beliefs can be together and be happy. But that doesn't always mean they will. My girlfriend and I have been together 4 years almost, and we have different beliefs.

But... if she is expecting you to make all these sacrifices then she is being selfish. If she expects you to make all the sacrifices now because she's a Christian, she might expect the same thing when it comes to none religious issues.

And I agree with you about the kid issue. I don't think religion should be forced on any child who isn't old enough to understand it.

04-25-2009, 09:44 AM	#1
Ernie08 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Canada Gender: Male Posts: 10	Religious beliefs in a serious relationship Hey all, I need some serious advice. I've just finished my degree and have been going out with this girl for 2.5 years or so. I figured since we've been in the serious relationship for so long, and we're essentially best friends that we should find a 2bdrm apartment. I have a few reasons for wanting this. One, we're both living in shared accommodations with housemates that we don't particularly get along with. She has trouble collecting money for bills from one of her housemates, and she's always complaining about it. Two, I'd like to see how living together would be BEFORE marriage. I feel like it'd alleviate some stress of marriage by seeing if we can actually live together. Also, by having separate bedrooms, it'd allow for some privacy still. I guess the biggest concern is that she has strong Christian beliefs. She believes in no sex before marriage, and such. When I suggested the moving in thing, she immediately shot it down saying her parents would be too upset. So what I'd like to know is your opinion on this. Seeing as how I'm an atheist, am I setting myself up for a rocky road to possibly spend my life with someone who doesn't share the same beliefs as I do? Honestly, the sex before marriage thing is not a big deal to me, I can wait. There's more to a relationship than sex, but I also feel like I'm constantly doing the sacrifices in our relationship to accommodate her beliefs. Should I break it off and save myself the pain of breaking off an even longer relationship with this girl, or should I wait it out and hope we can work things out despite our differences? Thanks for any advice, I'd ask my friends but they're all a bunch of standard college guys who are just looking to get laid (so their advice is pretty biased)

04-25-2009, 10:03 AM	#2
hersmudders Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: 6151 Richmond St, Miami, Florida Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 8,320	I personally coudlnt be in a relationship with beliefs so different from my own. I'm no longer an atheist but I still couldn't date someone with Christian beliefs. So it's up to you to decide if you can live with strong beliefs liek that. If you have children, whose beliefs will they take on? Things like that are what you really need to discuss. I will say, though, that it is possible to live together before marriage without having sex. Two of my friends did it. They were together 7 years and lived together 4 years before they got married. He was a virgin on his wedding night. For 3 of the years they lived together, they lived with his parents but had separate bedrooms. The year before they married, they had a 2-bedroom apartment and had separate bedrooms (with twin beds!). They made it work and they are glad they lived together before they married but still had the virtues they held important in place. Bt you also shouldn't move in together for convenience. It should be a mutual decision b/c you both want to, not b/c it'll be easier on both of you to do it. __________________ "yeah but i want a glow in the dark clone of my penis!!!!"--Epicproportion Spay or neuter your pets! Don't breed or buy while shelter animals die! Remember to click "helpful post" if something on a thread was helpful!

04-25-2009, 10:15 AM	#5
Nixee Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: NY Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 1,862	wow... 2.5 years is a long time and a pretty serious relationship to consider giving up, and I am sure you must have a lot of feelings and caring for this girl, but I do have to be honest with you since you asked.... Since she is so strongly christian (and I'm assuming would never convert to your way of thinking/believing), and you are atheist (and I'll assume you are also secure in what you believe), how do you envision a future with her working out? You mention the sex thing... but what beyond that? So you get married, and finally have sex.... what then? Do you never discuss beliefs? Do you never share deeper thoughts with your partner? Does she go to church on Sunday while you stay home? How do you raise children (if you have them)? And as you mentioned already, you already feel like you are constantly sacrificing in the relationship for her beliefs. Have you talked to her about this? What sacrifices would she be willing to make for your beliefs? Does she respect your beliefs at all? Or would she be hoping you would eventually convert? It may be possible to work things out, but one of the most important aspects in a solid relationship is having similar values and goals... and it sounds like you two may face a major obstacle. __________________ The pain passes, but the beauty remains - Pierre-Auguste Renoir

04-25-2009, 10:38 AM	#9
Nixee Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: NY Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 1,862	When it comes down to it, it really isn't a religion issue. It is a compatibility issue, and a give and take issue. Couples who love each other should give equally to the relationship, and should feel comfortable with one another... like they are "on the same team" so to speak. I can't help but worry for you, in this situation, that you might have to be working out an arrangement constantly just to make things work because you are so basically incompatible on these many levels. You sound like a great guy willing to make so many sacrifices in the name of love. But one has to ask: At what point should love stop being about sacrifice and start becoming easier? If she wants to be with you as well, and she is equally as willing to make the sacrifices and try to make things work... you may have a shot and I say good luck. But it is a hard situation. __________________ The pain passes, but the beauty remains - Pierre-Auguste Renoir

04-25-2009, 10:42 AM	#10
HellFrost666 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Planet Marclar Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 1,528	I am a firm believer that two people with different beliefs can be together and be happy. But that doesn't always mean they will. My girlfriend and I have been together 4 years almost, and we have different beliefs. But... if she is expecting you to make all these sacrifices then she is being selfish. If she expects you to make all the sacrifices now because she's a Christian, she might expect the same thing when it comes to none religious issues. And I agree with you about the kid issue. I don't think religion should be forced on any child who isn't old enough to understand it. __________________ I wish that it might come to pass Not fade like all my dreams Just think of what my life might be In a world like I have seen I dont think I can carry on Carry on this cold and empty life Oh...no! My spirits are low in the depths of despair My lifeblood spills over... Don't worry... the middle 6 is still silent.

04-25-2009, 10:12 AM	#4
Ernie08 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Canada Gender: Male Posts: 10	You both make really good points. p3rf3ct: I'm not really sure how much should be needed to really say enough is enough to a relationship and say that we've given it a good attempt. We're essentially best friends, always spending time together as we enjoy the same things. She's the perfect match for me, minus the religion. hersmudders: I understand your point, we have actually talked about children and such. I used to go to church as a child and honestly wouldn't mind if my kids had the opportunity to go to church so they can see that perspective on life. Just because I don't agree with it, doesn't mean I should take that from my children. However, as I told her and she agrees, that once the kid turns a reasonable age and is able to make their own decision, that we should respect that decision (whether it be Christian, Atheist or whatever). It's their life and they should do what makes them happy. I agree with your point about living together without having sex. I don't think this is why she's saying no to moving in together however. I think it's purely because it would upset her parents, which is what bothers me the most. We've been a decent amount of time together without having sex, and most of our free time is spent together so I feel she knows I'm more than willing to wait for sex after marriage. I guess I just wanted a better reason than "I don't want to upset my parents"... agent: I see what you mean, but you don't think a person with strong Christian beliefs can respect the decision of their children to become Atheist or whichever path they take?

04-25-2009, 10:27 AM	#6
Ernie08 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Canada Gender: Male Posts: 10	Nixee: I see what you mean, some very interesting points. I'm very comfortable in my Atheist beliefs. I'm not shameful in believing that there is no god, or that I have any intention in "letting god in to my life". I'm pretty sure I've made that completely clear to her, so I'd hope by now she doesn't expect I'll just randomly start believing in god again. I just don't discuss religious beliefs enough because they have no significance to my life. We've discussed the possibilities of children and church if we were to get married. For one, I'm perfectly fine with getting married in a church, if that is important to her (another sacrifice I'm taking). I'm also fine with her going to church on Sundays with the children, so long as she respects their decision to either continue or discontinue going after they've reached an age where they're mature enough to make their own decisions. We've discussed these types of things with regard to religious beliefs, but never really much about god and bible things. I haven't really talked much about the sacrifices I'm doing to her. I guess I assumed she knew I was making sacrifices for her, but you definitely make a good point here that I'm going to have to think about and talk about with her. I appreciate the opinions and time you guys are taking to give advice. All good points. Thanks!

04-25-2009, 10:29 AM	#7
dragon lady Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 2,614	As an atheist myself, there's no way I would put up with that. It's not just the beliefs (I'd date a liberal christian), it's the difference in values and lifestyle. We just wouldn't mesh. Personally, I think you're being walked all over.