Getting too late to start a family - I'm pissed off!

JourneyRoade · 04-23-2009, 11:31 AM

Last night the appearance of several baby-related things added up and after a couple glasses of wine, the waterworks turned on. I dreamt the night before that I was nursing babies and I loved it from the bottom of my heart. Also, in real life, someone had brought a baby in to work yesterday. And then last night the plot of the tv show we were watching involved protecting a baby in danger. I just started to cry unstoppably and told my fiance that if I had a choice, I'd forego the wedding (almost a year away) in order to start a family sooner. He has said to me before that he wants to wait a year or so after the wedding before starting our family. But I'm in my late 30s, so there's not a lot of time left. My eggs are aging just like I am, and lately I've been feeling like I have less energy in general. Last night he was comforting and supportive for the most part, holding me. But he told me what he feels is that I'm drum-beating him before he and "we" are ready to start a family. He wants it when it feels natural and right. We're not on the same page.

Now this morning, he's been very distant. That distance then progressed to biting words to each other. And now, we're not on speaking terms. We're both SO pissed off! I'm soooo frustrated at my situation. And don't get why he's not ready yet..he's in his mid-30s, it's not like he's in his early 20s. If I could remove that part of me that wants to have children, I would do it.

Greedy Toad · 04-23-2009, 11:34 AM

Never remove the part of you that wants children.

He should understand (assuming he is intelligent) what you need and why you can't wait forever.

If you are not on the same page, and the fact is that you do have a closing door timewise, then maybe you need to re-evaluate the whole relationship.

Yes, it sounds harsh, but what happens if after a year of marriage he says "not yet".

BTW: Why is he "not ready"?

Kantriakhor · 04-23-2009, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greedy Toad

Never remove the part of you that wants children.

He should understand (assuming he is intelligent) what you need and why you can't wait forever.

If you are not on the same page, and the fact is that you do have a closing door timewise, then maybe you need to re-evaluate the whole relationship.

Yes, it sounds harsh, but what happens if after a year of marriage he says "not yet".

He said a year after getting married, that's a pretty respectable time to wait. If he should understand her inability to wait forever, which he isn't asking, then she should understand his inability to rush into it now. Communication is key here in order to prevent hurt feelings.

DN · 04-23-2009, 11:39 AM

I think he is being unreasonable - it's fair enough to want to wait for children until you feel ready but he should understand there is a time imperative here.

It's like promising to take someone on a cruise but not buying the tickets until the ship has left port.

Are you sure that he is not deliberately waiting hoping that you will be past the point of no return? I don't want to plant groundless suspicions - but it is a possibility that should not be overlooked.

Scorpion Fury · 04-23-2009, 11:41 AM

Please don't put any pressure on him, you will cause major tension in your relationship. I understand you want to have babies right away, but you do have to wait until you BOTH are ready.

Is having a baby right now more important than your marriage to him? if it is, by all means, leave him. But to have a baby after that, chances are you'll be going to a spermbank or something, or in a relationship where there's a good chance the guy isn't right for you, just to have a baby.

Ac143 · 04-23-2009, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DN

I think he is being unreasonable - it's fair enough to want to wait for children until you feel ready but he should understand there is a time imperative here.

It's like promising to take someone on a cruise but not buying the tickets until the ship has left port.

Are you sure that he is not deliberately waiting hoping that you will be past the point of no return? I don't want to plant groundless suspicions - but it is a possibility that should not be overlooked.

I have to agree here, there will be a point of no return at some point. Its not like us women are capable of having children forever. Honestly, if I was in your shoes & I already told my SO this. If he doesn't want children by a certain time, Im outta there. Children is something I want more then anything. Luckily for me, he does too. Anyway, I know this is easier said then done, but I would give him an ultimatum. Because one day you will wake up and realize, its over your chance of children is gone. AND you WILL resent him FOREVER.

Greedy Toad · 04-23-2009, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DN

I think he is being unreasonable - it's fair enough to want to wait for children until you feel ready but he should understand there is a time imperative here.

It's like promising to take someone on a cruise but not buying the tickets until the ship has left port.

Are you sure that he is not deliberately waiting hoping that you will be past the point of no return? I don't want to plant groundless suspicions - but it is a possibility that should not be overlooked.

I agree with DN on this. Saying that he wants to wait until it feels "natural and right" when the OP is in her late thirties therefor 40+ a year after the wedding is far too ambiguos for my liking.

I don't think it is about the OP pressuring or drumbeating her partner, it is more a reality of life that it is much harder to conceive and the risks of things going wrong for the mother and baby are far greater when the female is older.

JR, you get one chance in this life, and i do think as Kantriakhor has said communication is "key", however you need to decipher whether or not he is doing as DN indicated he may be doing.

Victoria66 · 04-23-2009, 11:50 AM

Does he have concrete reasons about WHY he wants to wait that long?

Scorpion Fury · 04-23-2009, 11:50 AM

And would you all say the same thing if the OP were 25?

I think expecting someone to have a baby when they aren't quite ready is unreasonable, regardless of age.

waveseer · 04-23-2009, 11:51 AM

Is he aware of the increased risk of having an unhealthy baby? Isn't that important to him?

04-23-2009, 11:31 AM	#1
JourneyRoade Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 90	Getting too late to start a family - I'm pissed off! Last night the appearance of several baby-related things added up and after a couple glasses of wine, the waterworks turned on. I dreamt the night before that I was nursing babies and I loved it from the bottom of my heart. Also, in real life, someone had brought a baby in to work yesterday. And then last night the plot of the tv show we were watching involved protecting a baby in danger. I just started to cry unstoppably and told my fiance that if I had a choice, I'd forego the wedding (almost a year away) in order to start a family sooner. He has said to me before that he wants to wait a year or so after the wedding before starting our family. But I'm in my late 30s, so there's not a lot of time left. My eggs are aging just like I am, and lately I've been feeling like I have less energy in general. Last night he was comforting and supportive for the most part, holding me. But he told me what he feels is that I'm drum-beating him before he and "we" are ready to start a family. He wants it when it feels natural and right. We're not on the same page. Now this morning, he's been very distant. That distance then progressed to biting words to each other. And now, we're not on speaking terms. We're both SO pissed off! I'm soooo frustrated at my situation. And don't get why he's not ready yet..he's in his mid-30s, it's not like he's in his early 20s. If I could remove that part of me that wants to have children, I would do it.

04-23-2009, 11:34 AM	#2
Greedy Toad Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Melbourne Posts: 504	Never remove the part of you that wants children. He should understand (assuming he is intelligent) what you need and why you can't wait forever. If you are not on the same page, and the fact is that you do have a closing door timewise, then maybe you need to re-evaluate the whole relationship. Yes, it sounds harsh, but what happens if after a year of marriage he says "not yet". BTW: Why is he "not ready"? Last edited by Greedy Toad; 04-23-2009 at 11:36 AM. Reason: forgot to ask this Q

04-23-2009, 11:39 AM	#4
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,439	I think he is being unreasonable - it's fair enough to want to wait for children until you feel ready but he should understand there is a time imperative here. It's like promising to take someone on a cruise but not buying the tickets until the ship has left port. Are you sure that he is not deliberately waiting hoping that you will be past the point of no return? I don't want to plant groundless suspicions - but it is a possibility that should not be overlooked. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

04-23-2009, 11:41 AM	#5
Scorpion Fury Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: The states Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 4,525	Please don't put any pressure on him, you will cause major tension in your relationship. I understand you want to have babies right away, but you do have to wait until you BOTH are ready. Is having a baby right now more important than your marriage to him? if it is, by all means, leave him. But to have a baby after that, chances are you'll be going to a spermbank or something, or in a relationship where there's a good chance the guy isn't right for you, just to have a baby. __________________ Your attitude determines your altitude.

04-23-2009, 11:50 AM	#8
Victoria66 Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: for now where the CF sends us Gender: Female Age: 43 Posts: 4,605	Does he have concrete reasons about WHY he wants to wait that long? __________________ ADHD= Attention Dialed into a Higher Dimension. For my Indigo son. Know how to suffer and how to laugh. Mother Teresa If you judge people you have no time to love them. Mother Teresa Run amok empath= the end of little miss nice girl. Tomorrow IS another day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EM7FaOc3Zk What Child Is This.

04-23-2009, 11:51 AM	#10
waveseer Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: In a world full of possibilities. Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 11,062	Is he aware of the increased risk of having an unhealthy baby? Isn't that important to him? __________________ Whoever dies with the most "happy" wins! ~ shuttlefish profile pic explained: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl6yXBnLYYM and more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKnw9TM_AAI and if you weren't convinced: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3fPtMuBtMs and if you're not sick yet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTvUT_Hx4Dc to accept your partner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgP57lJvWRw