Smoking?

doc wannabe · 04-21-2009, 03:55 PM

I am engaged to a wonderful girl. She is good, she is kind-hearted, she is patient, she allows me to see the good in the world.

BUT ..... she smokes.

She says she is trying to quit, and so for like two days she will smoke less and then continue with it. I have tried to be encouraging with that, but at the same time I don't want to seem like a nag.

What have some of you done out there to help a partner quit who seems a bit resistant?

Wila · 04-21-2009, 04:02 PM

She has to WANT to quit. (nagging is just annoying and she will probably do it more.) wont help, sorry. Just be there for her when she wants to quit.

DN · 04-21-2009, 04:05 PM

Is this a deal-breaker for you?

ghost69 · 04-21-2009, 04:06 PM

unfortunately, she has to quit. the perks: you are into her. you are attracted to her mentally and physically i'd imagine, so that's good. smoking can go away, other traits cannot. but she needs to quit for herself. nothing you can say or do.

hersmudders · 04-21-2009, 04:07 PM

my best friend smoked for years and her fiance hated it. he wouldn't set a wedding date with her till she quit. it worked. she hasn't smoked since.

RoxyGril · 04-21-2009, 04:13 PM

My bf smokes and I hate it...I try to encourage him to quit but he has to want to stop smoking. He wants to quit as well but he's been doing it for quite some time now. But, he has been cutting back on smoking big time and I am very proud of him. He has been working on it for awhile now to get where he is at. He know's I don't like him doing because I do care about him and want what's best for him.

But, she has to be the one to make the choice to want to quit. A bit of encouragement won't hurt. That's a flaw of hers but everyone has flaws though. But, if you love everything else about her then try not to let bother you so much because you can't change her. Be happy with who she is and love her for her and know that is going to be something that she has to work on her part....

Casey13 · 04-21-2009, 04:23 PM

First off I will tell you that there is nothing you can do to make them or help them quit, absolutely nothing. She will only be able to quit when the craving to do so comes from within herself not anyone else. I can also tell you that the more you pressure her to quit the harder it will be for her to do so. You accepted her in your life as a smoker so you really cant just tell her to stop or else if you know what I mean. Let her make that decision on her own and hope for the best

thejigsup · 04-21-2009, 04:48 PM

Smoking is a relationship breaker for me. I will not and cannot date a smoker. Yuck!!!!

testcase · 04-21-2009, 04:57 PM

Well the good news is she wants to quit... bad news is that's about 1/50th the battle for a smoker and almost every smoker "wants to quit." The rest of it is actually quitting.... which is much harder than wanting to quit. There really isn't much you can do unfortunately. As others have said she has to want to quit on her own terms, no one is going to make her. The problem is smokers have heard that they should quit for so long and from so many people it usually stops phasing them at some point in time.

Honestly the best info I could give would be to be supportive and don't pressure her, the more you do I'm sure the more annoyed she will get.

doc wannabe · 04-22-2009, 10:05 PM

Thanks for the answers. I think my best strategy is to just be supportive. I have fond that there are actually alot of resources on line for people who want to help loved ones quit. I am just going to be supportive and not nag about it, and trust that she'll do this in her own time.

I agree with the previous poster that smoking should be a deal-breaker. Ugh, I hate it. But this girl is really special, and I really feel like in her case, the positives outweigh this super-bad thing.

04-21-2009, 03:55 PM	#1
doc wannabe Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Columbia, MO Gender: Male Age: 36 Posts: 109	Smoking? I am engaged to a wonderful girl. She is good, she is kind-hearted, she is patient, she allows me to see the good in the world. BUT ..... she smokes. She says she is trying to quit, and so for like two days she will smoke less and then continue with it. I have tried to be encouraging with that, but at the same time I don't want to seem like a nag. What have some of you done out there to help a partner quit who seems a bit resistant? __________________ I wish I was always surrounded by muppets, that way if I got mad and started to choke somebody, I'd just be shaking hands.

04-21-2009, 04:02 PM	#2
Wila Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: In The Present Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 1,348	She has to WANT to quit. (nagging is just annoying and she will probably do it more.) wont help, sorry. Just be there for her when she wants to quit. __________________ "Some people are just ass holes no matter how you slice it." -CallingAllAngels "Take a bite of my bad girl meat. Open your mouth, boy. I need a man who makes me alright. I'm gonna love you with my hands tied."

04-21-2009, 04:05 PM	#3
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,441	Is this a deal-breaker for you? __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

04-21-2009, 04:06 PM	#4
ghost69 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Desert Gender: Male Posts: 33,434	unfortunately, she has to quit. the perks: you are into her. you are attracted to her mentally and physically i'd imagine, so that's good. smoking can go away, other traits cannot. but she needs to quit for herself. nothing you can say or do. __________________ Not only am I friendly, but I'm invisible too. Too perfect of a relationship is too weird-g69 If you say you are normal, I'd think you are weird-g69 The world can only get better, it depends on how you look at it-g69 'As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me'-5fingerdeathpunch you cannot control the world, you can only live in it the best you can for you-g69 NooOoOoooOOoOoOoooooo

04-21-2009, 04:07 PM	#5
hersmudders Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: 6151 Richmond St, Miami, Florida Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 8,315	my best friend smoked for years and her fiance hated it. he wouldn't set a wedding date with her till she quit. it worked. she hasn't smoked since. __________________ "yeah but i want a glow in the dark clone of my penis!!!!"--Epicproportion Spay or neuter your pets! Don't breed or buy while shelter animals die! Remember to click "helpful post" if something on a thread was helpful!

04-21-2009, 04:13 PM	#6
RoxyGril Offline Silver Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: California Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 435	My bf smokes and I hate it...I try to encourage him to quit but he has to want to stop smoking. He wants to quit as well but he's been doing it for quite some time now. But, he has been cutting back on smoking big time and I am very proud of him. He has been working on it for awhile now to get where he is at. He know's I don't like him doing because I do care about him and want what's best for him. But, she has to be the one to make the choice to want to quit. A bit of encouragement won't hurt. That's a flaw of hers but everyone has flaws though. But, if you love everything else about her then try not to let bother you so much because you can't change her. Be happy with who she is and love her for her and know that is going to be something that she has to work on her part.... __________________ "Being in love is what makes working all week bearable. It makes cruising with your windows rolled down feel like you're riding in a convertible. It makes you dance to the rythm of the copy machine and makes Friday night really feel like THE WEEKEND."

04-21-2009, 04:23 PM	#7
Casey13 Online Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Somewhere beautiful Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 846	First off I will tell you that there is nothing you can do to make them or help them quit, absolutely nothing. She will only be able to quit when the craving to do so comes from within herself not anyone else. I can also tell you that the more you pressure her to quit the harder it will be for her to do so. You accepted her in your life as a smoker so you really cant just tell her to stop or else if you know what I mean. Let her make that decision on her own and hope for the best

04-21-2009, 04:48 PM	#8
thejigsup Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Gender: Female Age: 53 Posts: 4,127	Smoking is a relationship breaker for me. I will not and cannot date a smoker. Yuck!!!!

04-21-2009, 04:57 PM	#9
testcase Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: East Coast Gender: Male Posts: 394	Well the good news is she wants to quit... bad news is that's about 1/50th the battle for a smoker and almost every smoker "wants to quit." The rest of it is actually quitting.... which is much harder than wanting to quit. There really isn't much you can do unfortunately. As others have said she has to want to quit on her own terms, no one is going to make her. The problem is smokers have heard that they should quit for so long and from so many people it usually stops phasing them at some point in time. Honestly the best info I could give would be to be supportive and don't pressure her, the more you do I'm sure the more annoyed she will get.

04-22-2009, 10:05 PM	#10
doc wannabe Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Columbia, MO Gender: Male Age: 36 Posts: 109	Thanks! Thanks for the answers. I think my best strategy is to just be supportive. I have fond that there are actually alot of resources on line for people who want to help loved ones quit. I am just going to be supportive and not nag about it, and trust that she'll do this in her own time. I agree with the previous poster that smoking should be a deal-breaker. Ugh, I hate it. But this girl is really special, and I really feel like in her case, the positives outweigh this super-bad thing. __________________ I wish I was always surrounded by muppets, that way if I got mad and started to choke somebody, I'd just be shaking hands.