Girlfriend under stress

Starman · 04-21-2009, 07:37 AM

I am 44 years old and my girlfriend is 49. We have been dating for 9 months now. Our relationship started off great with both of us deeply in love with each other. Then about three months into the relationship she started getting some stressors in her life. First, was the child custody battle with her youngest child. When it first started she welcomed my emotional support and always told me she loves me. When the custody battle continued she started to pull away from me and the “I love you’s” started to diminish. Then I started to pull away from her for fear of getting hurt. I realize that was a mistake so I just kept loving her even if I didn’t always hear it from her. During this time she also lost her job but got a temporary job during tax season (she’s an accountant). During tax season she would call me everyday from work and we would meet for lunch or dinner several times a week (she worked like 60-70hours a week) and things seemed fine. I would baby sit her 2 boys when she was working and her older daughter had to work. She seemed confident that she would get a year round job because of her experience and responses to her resumes. However, when tax season was over she seemed to get depressed and didn’t want to leave the house. I asked her if she was depressed and she said I was being negative. During this time we have talked about marriage and agreed to take a premarital class in June. What bothers me during this whole time is that she doesn’t initially say ‘I love you” first but will say it back only if I say it. Our romance has been about zero during this time. Yet she still will show interest in the premarital classes from time to time. But now she’s in seclusion in her house and says she has to look for a job and decide what to do with her life now. She said she needs time alone right now and will call me when she’s ready. She has done this before when under a lot of stress. I kind of freak out when she does this because I think she’s going to break up with me. I realize these are real stress issues but I don’t understand the pulling away from me. I tell her I want to be there for her but she then says I’m pushing her. Its like she doesn't care about the relationship anymore, but yet still stays with me. Our relationship started off so good until the stessors in her life. Any thoughts on this???

I feel hurt and alone, and confused

DN · 04-21-2009, 07:43 AM

In a strong relationship people lean on each other for support in hard times. If she pulls away in times like that then she is likely to do that even if you do marry her.

I suspect that for some reason she isn't ready to be a full partner in a relationship. I would tell her that you are having doubts about her love and commitment to you and that unless she can convince you otherwise you are going to have to break up with her.

richpart · 04-21-2009, 04:15 PM

I wouldn't take much stock in the diminishing "I love you" exchanges. That happens after the honeymoon period. Her actions, on the other hand, speak volumes. DN is absolutely right. People in a good relationship should lean on each other in hard times. That's part of what we are all looking for...one plus one equals more than two. If she's pulling away, she may have intimacy or other issues.

It's kind of up to you. If you want this to work out, leave her alone. She said that's what she wants, so give it to her. Be a source of strength and someone with a clear vision of what he (which is not necessarily what she) wants. She should be drawn to that. If you try to fix her problems or cling to her, it will be over and you will go through hell before it all turns to dust.

BTW, if she does contact you and you guys talk and the premarital class comes up, I would tell her that concept is off the table right now. Show her your strength and your ability to live without her. Don't be her fallback doormat she can use for moral support and babysitting anymore.

If this has a chance of working out, you have to plant in your mind that she's the one who screwed this up and she's got to be the one to fix it. She and only she can make contact and extend the olive branch. In the mean time, try to get on with your life.

Starman · 04-21-2009, 05:33 PM

thanks richpart, your advice is the best i have heard. I can see I am not the one causing a division but her all wrapped up in her problems

missladybug · 04-22-2009, 11:27 PM

I don't know if this will help, Starman, but I am similar to your girlfriend under stress situations. I agree with the above posts by Richpart. You have to be helpful and supportive, but not overly so... When I am really stressed, and when my boyfriend is DYING to help, and is always asking what he can do, always calling me to check on me, always in my face wanting attention and to be involved, trying to FIX everything... it is almost like having another problem to deal with. I then pull away from him to try to clear the static in my head. NOT that you are doing anything wrong.... you sound like a great boyfriend.
Just some people need a bit of solitude in order to get their heads straight. The offers of help, and the calls are distracting. Let her know that you are there for her, and to let you know what you can do, and leave it at that. Don't try to fix anything for her. She will tell you what she needs. And yes, don't be a doormat... women never like that... It's a fine line between support and doormat-dom but your feelings will tell you which is which. If you feel used and crappy afterwards.... you know which side you fall on. I wish you the best.

Starman · 04-23-2009, 01:15 AM

Missladybug:
thank you for your insightful answer. My girlfriend does express verbally appreciation for the things I do for. I guess the big issue with me is that our romance has dwindled so much because of her life stressors. Because she is not romantic with me I take this as rejection and start to feel resentment. I am used to someone in a relationship leaning on me and working together through difficulties whether they are mine or hers.
Like DN said in a strong relationship two people lean on each other, not pull away. But who's to say what it normal. Granted, she has been through alot lately. I don't want to come across as selfish, but where do you draw the line? I just wish we could get on with our relationship. And you are right, when I talk about our relationship and wanting attention she pulls away and says I am pushing her away. I feel rejected and hurt and she gets upset. Since you say your kind of like this what is the best way I could deal with this without thinking she going to end the relationship. In other words whats going on in your head. How do you feel about your bf when he is like this. When he leaves you alone do you think about him or miss him? thanks

missladybug · 04-23-2009, 02:55 AM

you're welcome.
well, as we all know, the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever... when you are initially dating and courting, it is new and exciting. when it gets further into the relationship and real life takes over, sometimes the romance takes a back seat. i know, it's a total bummer. in any relationship you have ups and downs... how long has she been on the down?
i am the way i am because i have always been a very independent person. granted, i may have some slight intimacy issues too that may add to it, but for the most part, i like to solve problems on my own. i have learned to let others help me with my problems... but cannot stand when they try to "fix" them for me. it makes me feel incompetent. also, sometimes the person who is trying to "fix" the situation doesn't have the whole story, and it would be a big huge deal to clue them into every detail they would need to make an effective fix.
long story short, unless you are able to give her a job, that is something she has to deal with herself.
when i was looking for a job and my boyfriend was like... i'll do whatever you want, what do you want me to do? how can i help? etc... all the time... well, in reality he can't help unless he can employ me or he knows someone that will.

most importantly... you can't be scared to lose her. when you are scared to lose someone is when you get needier and do more desperate things... which really does push the other person away. you are just as important as she is. You must know that this has nothing to do with you. It is all her circumstances... You KNOW this, so don't feel hurt and rejected. If you relax, it will make a world of difference. Calmness is contagious. I promise.
When my bf gets too helpy, and clingy, and needy, i get super annoyed and feel like it is another problem to deal with. I retreat trying to avoid the situation. And sadly, the boyfriend situation is the one thing she can control right now when everything else is chaos. That's how I feel.
So my suggestion is... and jeez louise I wish someone would tell my bf this... is please calm down. You are worried about maybe losing her... I understand that. But the reality is is that you will DEF lose her if you are so scared to lose her that you sacrifice yourself. Love her, be there for her when she ASKS, still be kind, but find things to do for yourself to keep your mind off the romance part for a little bit. I know it's hard, because you love her and you want to take care of her... it's the manly way. Just relax and reassure yourself that you will be fine and it will work out, that this is just a little kink in the chain. Kind of like having the flu... it sucks when you have it, but you KNOW you won't have it forever. make sense? And if you give her some space, and make that one less thing she has to stress over, then it will so benefit you.
When you say things to her like I feel like you don't feel the same, or do you still love me, or why are things changing, etc... she feels like a failure in that arena too, on to of everything else.
So buck up, relax, and keep your head up! You are a good boyfriend just by being you, that's why she loves you! and for the record... when my bf is calm and relaxed and let's me deal with things the way i need to... I do REALLY miss him and can't wait to get things taken care of so I can spend time with him!! Hope that helps... let me know if you want any more perspective.

Starman · 04-23-2009, 03:13 AM

Thanks, that really helps;
What you said lines up. I told her I felt she was stonewalling me and she got upset and said she just needs time to recoup after tax season and get her house in order. She later called me and said she's needs space right now and will call me when she's ready.(I try not to take it personally like you said). She said its not about me but about her (just like you said). So its been four days and I have not tried to call her, text her, nothing. I'm just giving her the space even though its hard but she will appreciate it. I guess I wasn't really hearing what she was saying, which is what she told me. I do now.

missladybug · 04-23-2009, 03:49 AM

I am so glad I could help, even if it's just a little peace of mind.

Also, remember to not just be sitting around waiting... take care of yourself and keep busy...

And, even though it will be hard, please try not to have resentment towards her for pulling away. She is just dealing with it in the way that she knows how and really doesn't want to hurt you. I am guessing she is kind of a perfectionist (if she is really like me) , so what she wants to do is get her self together so she can be the best girlfriend to you that she can be.

Starman · 04-23-2009, 04:18 AM

yes, she likes things organized (kind of a trait you have to have to be an accountant).
What is odd is when I tell her I feel she is pulling away she sees it as an accusation. But she really is pulling away. ????

But anyway, how would you suggest I say to her when she does call. Obviously NOT resentful. How do you make a woman like this feel loved??

04-21-2009, 07:37 AM	#1
Starman Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Milwaukee, WI Gender: Male Age: 45 Posts: 28	Girlfriend under stress I am 44 years old and my girlfriend is 49. We have been dating for 9 months now. Our relationship started off great with both of us deeply in love with each other. Then about three months into the relationship she started getting some stressors in her life. First, was the child custody battle with her youngest child. When it first started she welcomed my emotional support and always told me she loves me. When the custody battle continued she started to pull away from me and the “I love you’s” started to diminish. Then I started to pull away from her for fear of getting hurt. I realize that was a mistake so I just kept loving her even if I didn’t always hear it from her. During this time she also lost her job but got a temporary job during tax season (she’s an accountant). During tax season she would call me everyday from work and we would meet for lunch or dinner several times a week (she worked like 60-70hours a week) and things seemed fine. I would baby sit her 2 boys when she was working and her older daughter had to work. She seemed confident that she would get a year round job because of her experience and responses to her resumes. However, when tax season was over she seemed to get depressed and didn’t want to leave the house. I asked her if she was depressed and she said I was being negative. During this time we have talked about marriage and agreed to take a premarital class in June. What bothers me during this whole time is that she doesn’t initially say ‘I love you” first but will say it back only if I say it. Our romance has been about zero during this time. Yet she still will show interest in the premarital classes from time to time. But now she’s in seclusion in her house and says she has to look for a job and decide what to do with her life now. She said she needs time alone right now and will call me when she’s ready. She has done this before when under a lot of stress. I kind of freak out when she does this because I think she’s going to break up with me. I realize these are real stress issues but I don’t understand the pulling away from me. I tell her I want to be there for her but she then says I’m pushing her. Its like she doesn't care about the relationship anymore, but yet still stays with me. Our relationship started off so good until the stessors in her life. Any thoughts on this??? I feel hurt and alone, and confused

04-21-2009, 07:43 AM	#2
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,439	In a strong relationship people lean on each other for support in hard times. If she pulls away in times like that then she is likely to do that even if you do marry her. I suspect that for some reason she isn't ready to be a full partner in a relationship. I would tell her that you are having doubts about her love and commitment to you and that unless she can convince you otherwise you are going to have to break up with her. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

04-21-2009, 04:15 PM	#3
richpart Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 384	I wouldn't take much stock in the diminishing "I love you" exchanges. That happens after the honeymoon period. Her actions, on the other hand, speak volumes. DN is absolutely right. People in a good relationship should lean on each other in hard times. That's part of what we are all looking for...one plus one equals more than two. If she's pulling away, she may have intimacy or other issues. It's kind of up to you. If you want this to work out, leave her alone. She said that's what she wants, so give it to her. Be a source of strength and someone with a clear vision of what he (which is not necessarily what she) wants. She should be drawn to that. If you try to fix her problems or cling to her, it will be over and you will go through hell before it all turns to dust. BTW, if she does contact you and you guys talk and the premarital class comes up, I would tell her that concept is off the table right now. Show her your strength and your ability to live without her. Don't be her fallback doormat she can use for moral support and babysitting anymore. If this has a chance of working out, you have to plant in your mind that she's the one who screwed this up and she's got to be the one to fix it. She and only she can make contact and extend the olive branch. In the mean time, try to get on with your life.

04-21-2009, 05:33 PM	#4
Starman Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Milwaukee, WI Gender: Male Age: 45 Posts: 28	thanks richpart, your advice is the best i have heard. I can see I am not the one causing a division but her all wrapped up in her problems

04-22-2009, 11:27 PM	#5
missladybug Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 7	I don't know if this will help, Starman, but I am similar to your girlfriend under stress situations. I agree with the above posts by Richpart. You have to be helpful and supportive, but not overly so... When I am really stressed, and when my boyfriend is DYING to help, and is always asking what he can do, always calling me to check on me, always in my face wanting attention and to be involved, trying to FIX everything... it is almost like having another problem to deal with. I then pull away from him to try to clear the static in my head. NOT that you are doing anything wrong.... you sound like a great boyfriend. Just some people need a bit of solitude in order to get their heads straight. The offers of help, and the calls are distracting. Let her know that you are there for her, and to let you know what you can do, and leave it at that. Don't try to fix anything for her. She will tell you what she needs. And yes, don't be a doormat... women never like that... It's a fine line between support and doormat-dom but your feelings will tell you which is which. If you feel used and crappy afterwards.... you know which side you fall on. I wish you the best.

04-23-2009, 01:15 AM	#6
Starman Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Milwaukee, WI Gender: Male Age: 45 Posts: 28	Missladybug: thank you for your insightful answer. My girlfriend does express verbally appreciation for the things I do for. I guess the big issue with me is that our romance has dwindled so much because of her life stressors. Because she is not romantic with me I take this as rejection and start to feel resentment. I am used to someone in a relationship leaning on me and working together through difficulties whether they are mine or hers. Like DN said in a strong relationship two people lean on each other, not pull away. But who's to say what it normal. Granted, she has been through alot lately. I don't want to come across as selfish, but where do you draw the line? I just wish we could get on with our relationship. And you are right, when I talk about our relationship and wanting attention she pulls away and says I am pushing her away. I feel rejected and hurt and she gets upset. Since you say your kind of like this what is the best way I could deal with this without thinking she going to end the relationship. In other words whats going on in your head. How do you feel about your bf when he is like this. When he leaves you alone do you think about him or miss him? thanks

04-23-2009, 02:55 AM	#7
missladybug Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 7	you're welcome. well, as we all know, the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever... when you are initially dating and courting, it is new and exciting. when it gets further into the relationship and real life takes over, sometimes the romance takes a back seat. i know, it's a total bummer. in any relationship you have ups and downs... how long has she been on the down? i am the way i am because i have always been a very independent person. granted, i may have some slight intimacy issues too that may add to it, but for the most part, i like to solve problems on my own. i have learned to let others help me with my problems... but cannot stand when they try to "fix" them for me. it makes me feel incompetent. also, sometimes the person who is trying to "fix" the situation doesn't have the whole story, and it would be a big huge deal to clue them into every detail they would need to make an effective fix. long story short, unless you are able to give her a job, that is something she has to deal with herself. when i was looking for a job and my boyfriend was like... i'll do whatever you want, what do you want me to do? how can i help? etc... all the time... well, in reality he can't help unless he can employ me or he knows someone that will. most importantly... you can't be scared to lose her. when you are scared to lose someone is when you get needier and do more desperate things... which really does push the other person away. you are just as important as she is. You must know that this has nothing to do with you. It is all her circumstances... You KNOW this, so don't feel hurt and rejected. If you relax, it will make a world of difference. Calmness is contagious. I promise. When my bf gets too helpy, and clingy, and needy, i get super annoyed and feel like it is another problem to deal with. I retreat trying to avoid the situation. And sadly, the boyfriend situation is the one thing she can control right now when everything else is chaos. That's how I feel. So my suggestion is... and jeez louise I wish someone would tell my bf this... is please calm down. You are worried about maybe losing her... I understand that. But the reality is is that you will DEF lose her if you are so scared to lose her that you sacrifice yourself. Love her, be there for her when she ASKS, still be kind, but find things to do for yourself to keep your mind off the romance part for a little bit. I know it's hard, because you love her and you want to take care of her... it's the manly way. Just relax and reassure yourself that you will be fine and it will work out, that this is just a little kink in the chain. Kind of like having the flu... it sucks when you have it, but you KNOW you won't have it forever. make sense? And if you give her some space, and make that one less thing she has to stress over, then it will so benefit you. When you say things to her like I feel like you don't feel the same, or do you still love me, or why are things changing, etc... she feels like a failure in that arena too, on to of everything else. So buck up, relax, and keep your head up! You are a good boyfriend just by being you, that's why she loves you! and for the record... when my bf is calm and relaxed and let's me deal with things the way i need to... I do REALLY miss him and can't wait to get things taken care of so I can spend time with him!! Hope that helps... let me know if you want any more perspective.

04-23-2009, 03:13 AM	#8
Starman Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Milwaukee, WI Gender: Male Age: 45 Posts: 28	Thanks, that really helps; What you said lines up. I told her I felt she was stonewalling me and she got upset and said she just needs time to recoup after tax season and get her house in order. She later called me and said she's needs space right now and will call me when she's ready.(I try not to take it personally like you said). She said its not about me but about her (just like you said). So its been four days and I have not tried to call her, text her, nothing. I'm just giving her the space even though its hard but she will appreciate it. I guess I wasn't really hearing what she was saying, which is what she told me. I do now.

04-23-2009, 03:49 AM	#9
missladybug Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 7	I am so glad I could help, even if it's just a little peace of mind. Also, remember to not just be sitting around waiting... take care of yourself and keep busy... And, even though it will be hard, please try not to have resentment towards her for pulling away. She is just dealing with it in the way that she knows how and really doesn't want to hurt you. I am guessing she is kind of a perfectionist (if she is really like me) , so what she wants to do is get her self together so she can be the best girlfriend to you that she can be.

04-23-2009, 04:18 AM	#10
Starman Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Milwaukee, WI Gender: Male Age: 45 Posts: 28	yes, she likes things organized (kind of a trait you have to have to be an accountant). What is odd is when I tell her I feel she is pulling away she sees it as an accusation. But she really is pulling away. ???? But anyway, how would you suggest I say to her when she does call. Obviously NOT resentful. How do you make a woman like this feel loved??