God help me I am so lost.

rashe30 · 04-11-2009, 03:08 PM

Well, this is a good one to explain.. if you guys got the time. My wife of 12 years decided she wanted a divorce a few months ago, she says there is no feelings for me anymore. A while back she let someone go down on here so to speak and it made us so problems. Well I dealt with that and took her back now it has come to use separating and living apart to see how things go. Maybe it is me, she says she needs some major change, that she is really unhappy with alot of things. Well about a year ago we decided to get a vasectomy done. Well a few weeks after that she wanted a baby. Now that we couldnt have one it created alot of issues for us. The reversal surgery was 6 k to do it and we didnt have the money. She really got on my nerves with it so i started to ignor her and just play games and drink all the time. She hated this. Now she has gotten me to stop drinking, it is like it has done more damage now that when I did. I just don't know what to do. I almost got to the point I tried to commit suicide over this. And yes I know that was so stupid. I have 2 daughters ages 11, and 8, so NC is not really an option. The situation now is she wants me to move out and go live with her mom. Well her mom and I are very close and we agreed that maybe it would be for the best to see if we can rekindle are relationship. She refuses to go to martial counseling and I have the book from divorcebusting.com. Very good book btw. What to do, I am so hurt and just torn.

Jgregoire108 · 04-11-2009, 03:25 PM

Sounds like she just isnt happy at all regardless.

Is there anything in her life that she regrets perhaps? Its likely not be you at all, but her pattern of going back and forth sounds like she just isnt happy anyways, and had leaned on you for her happiness.

She hasnt learned yet that she doesnt need to rely on others for her wellbeing and happiness, but herself first.

This is why I feel people who rely on others for happiness and fulfillment will never make good partners

rashe30 · 04-11-2009, 05:54 PM

too tell u u the truth i dont know what she wants, i am so lost. She doesnt care the pain she has caused me, I would have giving her anything.

rashe30 · 04-11-2009, 05:56 PM

I just want to die, i feel as my life is over. I am a good guy.

Ms Darcy · 04-12-2009, 07:51 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this. First, get counseling. Your children need you alive and healthy. Second, if you own the house, don't leave it until you consult a lawyer. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make a partner love you; it's up to her now. After all you describe it doesnt look good - I'm sorry. But you don't need her in your life to make life worth living.

John Bendix · 04-13-2009, 09:49 PM

rashe,

Sorry, but welcome to the club. The club includes those who are left behind when their partner decides that they are just not happy. And it is the club member that is either "making" (usually by just being in their life) them unhappy or is not fufilling their supposed obligation to "make" them happy.

I have to say that I do not follow their line of reasoning. First, bc I see happiness (or unhappiness) as an emotion that we create for ourselves, by ourselves, in reaction our our perceived life situation. In addition, as with any emotion (hate, fear, disappointment, excitement, etc.), it is temporary and fleeting, and dissipates almost as soon as we experience it. We can create again and again it in several ways but the emotion fades quickly. It is not a state of mind.

We may even perceive ourselves to be happy when we are not experiencing unpleasant emotions at the moment (again caused in reaction to our own thoughts and perceptions). When persons go into some sort of emotional distress and are constantly creating and re-creating these unpleasant emotions, they can perceive that something or someone is casuing them not to be experiencing that feeling of happiness that they covet, now more than ever.

The intimate relationship is the most emotional circumstance we will ever experience and the most potentially harmful. Therefore; it must be the relationship that is causing it. They may see no other choice, for emotional survival reasonings, but to escape from it.

sammy1980 · 04-16-2009, 06:30 PM

Your problem started a long time ago, thats why she let someone go down on her, your second problem is that you took her back.

Why would you get that surgery done right after the baby talk, but it was good anyways cause it would have been a dysfuntional child.

Best thing is not marital counselling, but soe personal therapy for yourself.....why go back after her, it will never be the same. Work on yourself and then find someone new

04-11-2009, 03:08 PM	#1
rashe30 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 48	God help me I am so lost. Well, this is a good one to explain.. if you guys got the time. My wife of 12 years decided she wanted a divorce a few months ago, she says there is no feelings for me anymore. A while back she let someone go down on here so to speak and it made us so problems. Well I dealt with that and took her back now it has come to use separating and living apart to see how things go. Maybe it is me, she says she needs some major change, that she is really unhappy with alot of things. Well about a year ago we decided to get a vasectomy done. Well a few weeks after that she wanted a baby. Now that we couldnt have one it created alot of issues for us. The reversal surgery was 6 k to do it and we didnt have the money. She really got on my nerves with it so i started to ignor her and just play games and drink all the time. She hated this. Now she has gotten me to stop drinking, it is like it has done more damage now that when I did. I just don't know what to do. I almost got to the point I tried to commit suicide over this. And yes I know that was so stupid. I have 2 daughters ages 11, and 8, so NC is not really an option. The situation now is she wants me to move out and go live with her mom. Well her mom and I are very close and we agreed that maybe it would be for the best to see if we can rekindle are relationship. She refuses to go to martial counseling and I have the book from divorcebusting.com. Very good book btw. What to do, I am so hurt and just torn.

04-13-2009, 09:49 PM	#6
John Bendix Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 1,374	rashe, Sorry, but welcome to the club. The club includes those who are left behind when their partner decides that they are just not happy. And it is the club member that is either "making" (usually by just being in their life) them unhappy or is not fufilling their supposed obligation to "make" them happy. I have to say that I do not follow their line of reasoning. First, bc I see happiness (or unhappiness) as an emotion that we create for ourselves, by ourselves, in reaction our our perceived life situation. In addition, as with any emotion (hate, fear, disappointment, excitement, etc.), it is temporary and fleeting, and dissipates almost as soon as we experience it. We can create again and again it in several ways but the emotion fades quickly. It is not a state of mind. We may even perceive ourselves to be happy when we are not experiencing unpleasant emotions at the moment (again caused in reaction to our own thoughts and perceptions). When persons go into some sort of emotional distress and are constantly creating and re-creating these unpleasant emotions, they can perceive that something or someone is casuing them not to be experiencing that feeling of happiness that they covet, now more than ever. The intimate relationship is the most emotional circumstance we will ever experience and the most potentially harmful. Therefore; it must be the relationship that is causing it. They may see no other choice, for emotional survival reasonings, but to escape from it. __________________ John Bendix is the author of Walking Away from Divorce into Awareness

04-11-2009, 03:25 PM	#2
Jgregoire108 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Gender: Male Age: 29 Posts: 29	Sounds like she just isnt happy at all regardless. Is there anything in her life that she regrets perhaps? Its likely not be you at all, but her pattern of going back and forth sounds like she just isnt happy anyways, and had leaned on you for her happiness. She hasnt learned yet that she doesnt need to rely on others for her wellbeing and happiness, but herself first. This is why I feel people who rely on others for happiness and fulfillment will never make good partners

04-11-2009, 05:54 PM	#3
rashe30 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 48	too tell u u the truth i dont know what she wants, i am so lost. She doesnt care the pain she has caused me, I would have giving her anything.

04-11-2009, 05:56 PM	#4
rashe30 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 48	I just want to die, i feel as my life is over. I am a good guy.

04-12-2009, 07:51 AM	#5
Ms Darcy Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: United States Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 2,085	I'm sorry you are going through this. First, get counseling. Your children need you alive and healthy. Second, if you own the house, don't leave it until you consult a lawyer. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make a partner love you; it's up to her now. After all you describe it doesnt look good - I'm sorry. But you don't need her in your life to make life worth living.

04-16-2009, 06:30 PM	#7
sammy1980 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: ottawa canada Gender: Male Age: 30 Posts: 22	Your problem started a long time ago, thats why she let someone go down on her, your second problem is that you took her back. Why would you get that surgery done right after the baby talk, but it was good anyways cause it would have been a dysfuntional child. Best thing is not marital counselling, but soe personal therapy for yourself.....why go back after her, it will never be the same. Work on yourself and then find someone new