alcoholic partner

anonguest123 · 04-05-2009, 07:14 PM

i'm not sure what to do. my boyfriend of almost a year and good friend of a year and a half (or two years? i'm not sure) is a recurrent relapsing alcoholic.
about once every month or two he drinks himself retarded and sick. it isnt even fun, really. its unhealthy.
i'll start with recent events.

he'd been suicidal this time around. talking about not wanting when he was drunk around me and with certain friends at the bar.
he disappears for days at a time because we live downtown in the bar district.
always ends up in the hospital or detox.
but this isnt really the issue. i mean it is, but it isn't.

the deal is i met him when he was like this and despite everything we still made a rare connection. i say rare because this wasn't, um..another one of the flings i found myself in for entertainment or out of confusion.

so i have this person. there's potential for a lot of good love. but i have anxiety that slowly started to get worse and worse around the time we started our official dating, due to reasons unrelated to him or drinking (which wasnt going on at that time).

right now i'm only just beginning to see a doctor to address anxiety that will most likely end in medication therapy and i'd say it's about time because i need it. i have anxiety attacks regularly and it's stopping me from being able to live a life or start anything new with a ready, lucid mind. i was just laid off and i have yet to start college and i'm in this weird transitionary period where i'm just this lump of anxiety.

okay, i digressed.

this time when he disappeared on his bender i had reason to believe he had ended his life somewhere or was planning to. i exhausted all my money and was extremely emotionally distraught for days. i spoke with police officers.

he came up in the hospital again.
obviously this is some severely screwed manipulation. friends i spoke with all consider him a bastard for doing that to me, and so do i. it's pretty much the worst ive been through with this relationship.

i don't know how to approach him this time when he gets out. in the past, i've been glad to see him back of course, but would end up flying off the handle in an anxious fit and exploding all over him with rants about alcoholism and how pissed i was and how it effects me and how i cant do it anymore, etc. which is self destructive in itself because really cutting him out of my life fully isnt an option.

things to consider -
he is the most i have at this point because
i'm young and live on my own, and despite his insanity, i see him as the only person ive connected with in quite some time that my soul really matches up with- someone whose friends i would enjoy time with, someone who makes good art, someone who would not bring more loathing for the human race but who actually woke me up as a person.

his problems are causing me problems and vice versa (my anxiety is very disappointing for him, of course) the relationship has proven to be destructive thus far

so do i approach this with a demand, asking him to pay back what i lost thinking he was dead? telling him what i went through, which will def. become an emotionally escalated experience
or do i go with what i was thinking when i did think he was dead - the words i wrote that i wished i could say to him if i never got the chance.
none of which have to do with money or anything that matter when youre thinking in terms of life and death and what you really value.

how do i take his return so that i dont short myself or provoke his urge to self destruct

**avman** · 04-05-2009, 07:57 PM

Hi there and welcome to eNotalone.

First of all let me be blunt - an addict is incapable of having a healthy relationship. Period. Their brain chemistry has been radically altered by their addiction. So their responses, feelings, moods, and how they function are governed by their addiction and not by other people. The rational brain isn't the one in charge. It is the primal brain. And the primal brain only responds to two things - pain, and feeling good.

Why is cutting him out of your life not an option? If you truly want him to get better, you will have to make it an option. Because you may have to go that way in order for him to get help. Otherwise you are simply an enabler of his addiction. And that is just as destructive for you as it is for him.

I think you should look into going to your local Al-Anon chapter meetings. These meetings are made up of family and friends/loved ones of the addict. They will help you to understand the addiction and guide you on what steps you can take next. You need to get educated and you need to get support. This isn't something you should try to go through alone.

And you also are going to have to decide whether this is a road you are prepared to travel. It's going to be long and difficult even if it turns out well. And there is a better than average chance it will not turn out well.

anonguest123 · 04-06-2009, 06:40 AM

thnx for replying
well i mean cut out as in forever, i wouldnt stop him from being in a rehab for my benefit, i agree it isnt rly a benefit.
it's hard because he's my best friend. i don't want to give up on him like everyone else. i hope we can work through it, but yeah it's going to be a lot of work. i might as well try. i'm used to having to work hard for anything worth having. i was in therapy for ocd as a kid, i feel the past repeating itself here.
i think i have a lot more to overcome than i imagined.
like, stuff you can't do without doctors offices and therapy and bottles of medication.
i'll approach it that way.
part of me doesnt really want to have to know any of this though.
and yeah i should be prepared to have to cut him off.
i know a good lasting relationship wont happen until i have my own source of stability and happiness. i guess. but i mean. who really has that for very long in their lives, and isn't it subjective as all hell? i think it is.
but he's an addict.
yeah, that's the long and short of it.
this really sucks. I COULD USE A DRINK AHAhanmsdklf. j/k
i don't think i'll do alanon b/c i avoid jesusy people from the bible belt congregating but obs. i need better other friends than him or i wouldnt be asking the internet.
and i do freak out in a very codependent way.

04-05-2009, 07:14 PM	#1
anonguest123 Offline Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 2	alcoholic partner i'm not sure what to do. my boyfriend of almost a year and good friend of a year and a half (or two years? i'm not sure) is a recurrent relapsing alcoholic. about once every month or two he drinks himself retarded and sick. it isnt even fun, really. its unhealthy. i'll start with recent events. he'd been suicidal this time around. talking about not wanting when he was drunk around me and with certain friends at the bar. he disappears for days at a time because we live downtown in the bar district. always ends up in the hospital or detox. but this isnt really the issue. i mean it is, but it isn't. the deal is i met him when he was like this and despite everything we still made a rare connection. i say rare because this wasn't, um..another one of the flings i found myself in for entertainment or out of confusion. so i have this person. there's potential for a lot of good love. but i have anxiety that slowly started to get worse and worse around the time we started our official dating, due to reasons unrelated to him or drinking (which wasnt going on at that time). right now i'm only just beginning to see a doctor to address anxiety that will most likely end in medication therapy and i'd say it's about time because i need it. i have anxiety attacks regularly and it's stopping me from being able to live a life or start anything new with a ready, lucid mind. i was just laid off and i have yet to start college and i'm in this weird transitionary period where i'm just this lump of anxiety. okay, i digressed. this time when he disappeared on his bender i had reason to believe he had ended his life somewhere or was planning to. i exhausted all my money and was extremely emotionally distraught for days. i spoke with police officers. he came up in the hospital again. obviously this is some severely screwed manipulation. friends i spoke with all consider him a bastard for doing that to me, and so do i. it's pretty much the worst ive been through with this relationship. i don't know how to approach him this time when he gets out. in the past, i've been glad to see him back of course, but would end up flying off the handle in an anxious fit and exploding all over him with rants about alcoholism and how pissed i was and how it effects me and how i cant do it anymore, etc. which is self destructive in itself because really cutting him out of my life fully isnt an option. things to consider - he is the most i have at this point because i'm young and live on my own, and despite his insanity, i see him as the only person ive connected with in quite some time that my soul really matches up with- someone whose friends i would enjoy time with, someone who makes good art, someone who would not bring more loathing for the human race but who actually woke me up as a person. his problems are causing me problems and vice versa (my anxiety is very disappointing for him, of course) the relationship has proven to be destructive thus far so do i approach this with a demand, asking him to pay back what i lost thinking he was dead? telling him what i went through, which will def. become an emotionally escalated experience or do i go with what i was thinking when i did think he was dead - the words i wrote that i wished i could say to him if i never got the chance. none of which have to do with money or anything that matter when youre thinking in terms of life and death and what you really value. how do i take his return so that i dont short myself or provoke his urge to self destruct

04-05-2009, 07:57 PM	#2
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,526	Hi there and welcome to eNotalone. First of all let me be blunt - an addict is incapable of having a healthy relationship. Period. Their brain chemistry has been radically altered by their addiction. So their responses, feelings, moods, and how they function are governed by their addiction and not by other people. The rational brain isn't the one in charge. It is the primal brain. And the primal brain only responds to two things - pain, and feeling good. Why is cutting him out of your life not an option? If you truly want him to get better, you will have to make it an option. Because you may have to go that way in order for him to get help. Otherwise you are simply an enabler of his addiction. And that is just as destructive for you as it is for him. I think you should look into going to your local Al-Anon chapter meetings. These meetings are made up of family and friends/loved ones of the addict. They will help you to understand the addiction and guide you on what steps you can take next. You need to get educated and you need to get support. This isn't something you should try to go through alone. And you also are going to have to decide whether this is a road you are prepared to travel. It's going to be long and difficult even if it turns out well. And there is a better than average chance it will not turn out well. __________________ "Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." Desmond Tutu

04-06-2009, 06:40 AM	#3
anonguest123 Offline Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 2	thnx for replying well i mean cut out as in forever, i wouldnt stop him from being in a rehab for my benefit, i agree it isnt rly a benefit. it's hard because he's my best friend. i don't want to give up on him like everyone else. i hope we can work through it, but yeah it's going to be a lot of work. i might as well try. i'm used to having to work hard for anything worth having. i was in therapy for ocd as a kid, i feel the past repeating itself here. i think i have a lot more to overcome than i imagined. like, stuff you can't do without doctors offices and therapy and bottles of medication. i'll approach it that way. part of me doesnt really want to have to know any of this though. and yeah i should be prepared to have to cut him off. i know a good lasting relationship wont happen until i have my own source of stability and happiness. i guess. but i mean. who really has that for very long in their lives, and isn't it subjective as all hell? i think it is. but he's an addict. yeah, that's the long and short of it. this really sucks. I COULD USE A DRINK AHAhanmsdklf. j/k i don't think i'll do alanon b/c i avoid jesusy people from the bible belt congregating but obs. i need better other friends than him or i wouldnt be asking the internet. and i do freak out in a very codependent way.