Can't be married coz of religious differences

[iya]

My boyfriend & I have been together since Aug 2006. We get along really well and he's the only guy that my family & friends like. Both of us are in the "marrying age" and I remember us talking about our ideal wedding, house, kids...our future. The problem is, his mom prefers him to marry somebody who is in their community "Bora"(Muslim). His dad is cool but I'm afraid he hasn't told his parents about what was really going on between us. They probably know that I'm only a close friend.

Last year, my bf told me he sent a letter to their community leader in Feb '08 asking for permission to marry me. Just last Oct, he said he was called to the mosque just to talk to one of the "religious leaders" about the result. According to him, we cannot take our relationship to the next level(live together, have kids, get married) because they saw in the Koran that we won't prosper no matter how much we try. Another reason, if he marries me w/o their permission, his family will be excommunicated from "Bora" and that's not an option.

What am I suppose to do? I love him so much but his decision seems so firm...that we cannot get married.

[melrich]

I would be extremely surprised if his family were to be excommunicated. He may be.

All decisions come with consequences that must be weighed. You guys need to weigh these. Is the reward worth the consequences? I don't know. Only each of you can determine that.

[shikashika]

Well, he still has the option of marrying you.

No one is holding a knife to his throat. Obviously his religion is more important than you are. It's still his choice to make.

[grymoire]

When it comes to love - race, religion, and skin color matter the most!

[DropToZero]

Originally Posted by iya

My boyfriend & I have been together since Aug 2006. We get along really well and he's the only guy that my family & friends like. Both of us are in the "marrying age" and I remember us talking about our ideal wedding, house, kids...our future. The problem is, his mom prefers him to marry somebody who is in their community "Bora"(Muslim). His dad is cool but I'm afraid he hasn't told his parents about what was really going on between us. They probably know that I'm only a close friend.

Last year, my bf told me he sent a letter to their community leader in Feb '08 asking for permission to marry me. Just last Oct, he said he was called to the mosque just to talk to one of the "religious leaders" about the result. According to him, we cannot take our relationship to the next level(live together, have kids, get married) because they saw in the Koran that we won't prosper no matter how much we try. Another reason, if he marries me w/o their permission, his family will be excommunicated from "Bora" and that's not an option.

What am I suppose to do? I love him so much but his decision seems so firm...that we cannot get married.

Another reason to not like religion... it separates people. Point spoken.

I'm not saying much more on that, since it will only get me into a rant... but for your boyfriend, he needs to choose, you or the religion... otherwise you're wasting your time if you wish to be married.

I think if your boyfriend began to do some research on religions, and understood his and others more thoroughly... he'd see the ignorance within them because of the choices that people make and disagree about(such as this one, someone telling you that your marriage will fail etc...) Having the same faith I believe is very key to a relationship/marriage, but it will not make break it depending on who the people are...as in raising kids, tolerances etc... religion however can easily destroy a relationship before it even gets off the ground. You need to talk with him about this... it's a belief, and a belief can't be broken as easily without good reason... so find a good reason and give it to him. good luck.

[iya]

Thank you guys because we do have the same points of view towards this. I do appreciate your help.

Now, I really need to know the TRUTH from "Boras'" side. Or, if anybody knows something about the Islamic rules of this community, please say something.

[shikashika]

Obviously his religion is important to him, otherwise he would not have asked the religious leaders. To me, this would be insulting, because he is asking some other men, rather than me.

Granted, it is not my religion and everyone is free to do as they please, but i would find it personally insulting if someone did something like that.

it sounds like his parents are more OK with it than the religious leaders.

Would you convert? Is it that important for you?

[melrich]

From an anonymous poster,

Here is my brief understanding of the Bohra sect. Keep in mind that I outline only the relevant issues.[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]
1) Bohras believe in the concept of Wilaya of Ali ibn Talib and the concept of Imamate. What this means is that Ali (ra) inherited the knowledge of religion from the Prophet (pbuh) and it was transferred to the Imams thereon. As a result, it is the Imam who can provide the real understanding of the religion. In Bohra belief, after the death of their last Imam, the power was transferred to the vice-Imam known as ‘Dai’. Dai is acting as an Imam and is the supreme leader of religious affairs of Bohra community. Their current Dai is Muhammad Burhanuddin, and this concept of accepting the Dai is an intrinsic part of Bohra belief.
2) Bohras believe that Quran as an outer meaning and an inner meaning. No one can understand the inner meaning of the Quran themselves except the Dai. Therefore, believers can only read Quran in Arabic without understanding it, it is actually the Dai who can interpret Quran correctly and derive rulings from it. Whatever the Dai orders in the community, it becomes incumbent upon the followers. In other words, the Dai brings the religious laws and more or less, there is no questioning.
3) The source of religious practices and religious narratives (ahadith) is quite different from Sunni sources and Sunni sources are mostly rejected. Since a different source is used, the results, for example the method of prayers, how to fast, one’s beliefs etc, become quite different. And since they base it on their own methodology, mostly the Ramadan will be starting for you on a different date and your Eids will often be on different dates than your family if they continue to be Sunnis.
4) Anybody who ‘converts’ to Bohra community will have to accept the Dai as their leader along with a clergy that runs religious and social affairs in the community. The clergy collects taxes, Zakat, ‘waajibaat’ etc in addition to organizing social events. Bohras also have concept of ziyarat, which is visiting the graves of pious people, Dais, Imams etc.
5) Conversion to this sect does not affect your religious beliefs only, there is a social change as well associated with it. Bohras have their own religious festivals and functions, including one more Eid than Sunnis (like Shias). The Bohras have their ‘jamaat khanas’ (places of gathering) where they hold Bohra events, gatherings and the like.
6) Those who reject Bohra beliefs or practices deeming them against Islam are socially boycotted by the community and many times even persecuted.
This is a very high-level understanding of Bohra beliefs. Their current belief is that it is invalid for Bohras to marry non-Bohras and it is for this reason that they are asking you to convert.
I am convinced that many practices and beliefs of Bohras are not in consonance with Quranic understanding. In such case, if you are not pressed, it may be wise to look at other options, primarily because along with changes in many beliefs, it may affect your social standing in the society too. Even if you reject many of these beliefs, there will still be a question of how your children will be raised, as Sunnis or Bohras?
I hope I have clarified at a very high level the issues involved in marrying in a Bohra community. Lets say you were to ask the Bohra person to convert to Sunnism to marry you, what would their response be? It is my belief that no Bohra will ever convert outside of their faith, but they will like to convert whoever they marry into Bohras. Only the fact that they proposed and asked you to convert to their faith is concerning.
Most of my understanding of the Bohras is based on the book “The Isma'ilis : Their History and Doctrines” by Farhad Daftary published by Cambridge University Press. To understand more about Bohra beliefs and understand their community, you might also want to consider visiting the website [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]. There is a reformist Bohra movement who has declared the current Dai and the clergy as corrupt and stood against them, their website is [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]. Finally, there is another interesting website of a member of Bohra who rejected Bohra faith and has since been trying to highlight both Bohra and otherwise Islamic issues in the light of Quran and Sunnah at [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]. You might want to read Bohra related issues on this website.
If you are serious about this proposal, then it is my advice that you understand completely the Bohra faith, their beliefs, their practices, community before you come to a decision. Please feel free to ask me any questions, because various sects, schools of thoughts and differences of opinion has been an area of interest for me and I have significant time and energy understanding various sects and beliefs.

[iya]

It is hard for me to turn my back on Christianity but because I love him so much, I told him I will convert. Though his community said it's okay for me to convert, we still cannot get married because of the same reason...we will have bad luck! Now, how can they "predict" other people's destiny? Still, my bf believes.

All I could tell him was "How could they tell something about our future when they don't even know the day they will die?" --- Sorry, I've been so devastated that's why I said that.

[purpleJ]

I will read up on it, never heard of it before!

But I have studied Islam, and its okay for a male to marry someone outside Islam as long as she follows a religion that came before Islam so Christians, Jews...

It's only the female that HAS to marry a Muslim man.