Advice for long term relationship stuff :/

Maroney555 · 03-30-2009, 03:12 AM

I need help, guys. :/

Those in long term relationships...

do you ever feel second best...to darn near everything after a certain point?

Ok, when you became second best to even ONE thing (something like a hobby even), how did you feel? Was it ok for your SO to "ditch" you to do this hobby? Did you accept it willingly? Even after a while of being together?

I am starting to feel second best...does that just mean that the honeymoon stage is over and the real work begins?

MinziGirl · 03-30-2009, 03:17 AM

Sorry.. i am no guy but i do have hobbies & time alone apart from my boyfriend.

What i am trying to say here is that even when one is in a partnership with someone, one also needs to have time for his own stuff, his hobbies as well as his friends. That doesn't mean that he has put you 2nd best when he does his hobbies.

In a long-term relationship, one really needs time also too for his/her own things.

rivercitystein · 03-30-2009, 03:22 AM

Sure, there's times I feel like I'm second to everything! The longer you are together the easier it is to be taken advantage of. They just assume you will always be there. When I start to feel this way, I speak to my partner about it. I don't expect him to give up all his hobbies, but come on, he's not going to be playing pool 3 nights a week and on weekends during the winter and then softball 3 nights during the summer. There has to be a balance. Have you talked to your BF about how you are feeling? Is the time he's spending away from you excessive? If not, you might be getting close to that "needy" stage.

Maroney555 · 03-30-2009, 03:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MinziGirl

Sorry.. i am no guy but i do have hobbies & time alone apart from my boyfriend.

What i am trying to say here is that even when one is in a partnership with someone, one also needs to have time for his own stuff, his hobbies as well as his friends. That doesn't mean that he has put you 2nd best when he does his hobbies.

In a long-term relationship, one really needs time also too for his/her own things.

thank you minzi, i really do appreciate your input, but...

i hate to say that i do realize that we both need to have lives.

ok, my examples are that our third date, i was driving us to the restaurant he picked and we were to have lunch and he asked to drive the coastal route. he saw waves and asked if i could take him home so he could surf. at first i dismissed it, thinking "whatever. we aren't serious." but a couple years down the line, i am not so sure. this STILL happens. personally, if we had plans to do something together, i would not bail last minute, as we are going somewhere to go play volleyball *fave sport*

also, i asked, darn near BEGGED him to bring me ibuprofen for my back (got into car accident, but not enough damage to go to dr.) and he said the traffic was too bad and he couldn't come to my work...and he came home, from surfing. PS: he got a haircut today, which i paid for...which he asked me to do.

i guess what i meant to ask was...is it EVER reasonable to bail like that after making plans?

Maroney555 · 03-30-2009, 03:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rivercitystein

Sure, there's times I feel like I'm second to everything! The longer you are together the easier it is to be taken advantage of. They just assume you will always be there. When I start to feel this way, I speak to my partner about it. I don't expect him to give up all his hobbies, but come on, he's not going to be playing pool 3 nights a week and on weekends during the winter and then softball 3 nights during the summer. There has to be a balance. Have you talked to your BF about how you are feeling? Is the time he's spending away from you excessive? If not, you might be getting close to that "needy" stage.

I will willingly admit that I started off in that "needy" stage as we have a 9 yr age difference and I am younger (and various things, but I hope you get the gist.).

I have spoken to him about it, and he always relates it to my being "immature" and being young and how he has "lived" through SO MUCH MORE (BS in my opinion, sorry, but I have deep dark secrets.........off topic....sorry, soooo...)

I have talked to him and he shuts me out. IMHO, I feel, despite the age difference, he is immature.

rivercitystein · 03-30-2009, 03:31 AM

It sounds like he is just plain taking advantage of you. It's not a good sign that he shuts you out when you try to talk to him about how you're feeling. What are some current good points to your relationship?

Maroney555 · 03-30-2009, 03:40 AM

I feel that we are in a relationship that is in extremes. (ie: when things are good, they are AMAZING, but when things are bad, HOLY CRAP can I get further away).

Unfortunately, things don't feel healthy, and I guess, I am looking for advice to either end it or how to resolve things.

There's something in my heart that knows things are off...I just can't tell if it's long term or something that can be fixed.

rivercitystein · 03-30-2009, 03:59 AM

When your gut tells you it's not healthy, you need to listen.

indigo777 · 03-30-2009, 04:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rivercitystein

It sounds like he is just plain taking advantage of you. It's not a good sign that he shuts you out when you try to talk to him about how you're feeling. What are some current good points to your relationship?

Yup - he sounds very selfish. Changing plans you've already made and which you have been looking forward to and are important for the strengthening and growth of your relationship - just so he can go surfing etc.

I mean making time to go surfing is one thing - provided you two have adequate time to connect to bond apart from that. But changing plans on you regularly?

I'm only at the 2 year mark and I have never felt second to anything. How will I feel when/if that happens? I have no idea.

_Asti_ · 03-30-2009, 11:19 AM

I have yet to feel second best to anything, and its been 5 years.

Its about balance.

03-30-2009, 03:12 AM	#1
Maroney555 Offline Silver Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: California Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 356	Advice for long term relationship stuff :/ I need help, guys. :/ Those in long term relationships... do you ever feel second best...to darn near everything after a certain point? Ok, when you became second best to even ONE thing (something like a hobby even), how did you feel? Was it ok for your SO to "ditch" you to do this hobby? Did you accept it willingly? Even after a while of being together? I am starting to feel second best...does that just mean that the honeymoon stage is over and the real work begins? __________________ Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle. - Plato Get me out of community college!!!!!!

03-30-2009, 03:17 AM	#2
MinziGirl Offline Silver Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: Somewhere over the rainbow Gender: Female Posts: 471	Sorry.. i am no guy but i do have hobbies & time alone apart from my boyfriend. What i am trying to say here is that even when one is in a partnership with someone, one also needs to have time for his own stuff, his hobbies as well as his friends. That doesn't mean that he has put you 2nd best when he does his hobbies. In a long-term relationship, one really needs time also too for his/her own things. __________________ Courtesy is for free and it is for you & me :-)

03-30-2009, 03:40 AM	#7
Maroney555 Offline Silver Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: California Gender: Female Age: 21 Posts: 356	I feel that we are in a relationship that is in extremes. (ie: when things are good, they are AMAZING, but when things are bad, HOLY CRAP can I get further away). Unfortunately, things don't feel healthy, and I guess, I am looking for advice to either end it or how to resolve things. There's something in my heart that knows things are off...I just can't tell if it's long term or something that can be fixed. __________________ Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle. - Plato Get me out of community college!!!!!!

03-30-2009, 11:19 AM	#10
_Asti_ Online Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 2,355	I have yet to feel second best to anything, and its been 5 years. Its about balance. __________________ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ __________________ I got so much love For you darlin' and I, I wanna let you know how I feel And it's true that I love you And it's true your the only one and I do, I adore you And it's true You make me feel alive ___________________

03-30-2009, 03:22 AM	#3
rivercitystein Offline Silver Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Midwest Gender: Female Posts: 299	Sure, there's times I feel like I'm second to everything! The longer you are together the easier it is to be taken advantage of. They just assume you will always be there. When I start to feel this way, I speak to my partner about it. I don't expect him to give up all his hobbies, but come on, he's not going to be playing pool 3 nights a week and on weekends during the winter and then softball 3 nights during the summer. There has to be a balance. Have you talked to your BF about how you are feeling? Is the time he's spending away from you excessive? If not, you might be getting close to that "needy" stage.

03-30-2009, 03:31 AM	#6
rivercitystein Offline Silver Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Midwest Gender: Female Posts: 299	It sounds like he is just plain taking advantage of you. It's not a good sign that he shuts you out when you try to talk to him about how you're feeling. What are some current good points to your relationship?

03-30-2009, 03:59 AM	#8
rivercitystein Offline Silver Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Midwest Gender: Female Posts: 299	When your gut tells you it's not healthy, you need to listen.