My wife doesn't know who I really am

[steelcitymstro]

I created a profile on this site just to post, because after reading through several online help forums, this one seems to have the most constructive, straight-forward advice....I just wrapped up another fight with my wife--we've been together for three years and married for two. Most of the time our relationship is very good, but when we fight, we *really* fight and it's usually over pretty trivial stuff. However trivial the subject matter may be, for me it always comes back to one point--her viewpoints in the arguments reveal how she really sees me as a person...and what she sees is not what I want others to see in me, is not what I think I show her and is definitely not what I am. Let me give you a couple of examples:

First, our families live over 7 hours apart. When we were dating in college, I think we both took it for granted that we could make family time fair without much trouble. We currently live about 2 and a half hours away from her family and 4 and a half hours away from mine. Even with the distance, I've felt that her family has been extremely overbearing at times and I know that her mother especially has guilt-tripped her into feeling bad about moving far away from home. My wife has repeatedly expressed a desire for us to move to her hometown, which I don't want at all--her family is already overbearing and way too nosy when it comes to our marriage, plus I don't want to be any further away from my own family than I already am. Despite doing my best to validate her feelings while expressing my own, it seems that her mind is already made up that this is a big scheme on my part to keep her away from her family. Whenever the issue of family comes up, it is hard for her to hide her resentment towards me--and to some extent, she's right....I would never live further away from my family than I do now. Just by marrying me, I have taken her away from her family in a sense. But the big difference here is that she acts like it is malicious on my part--no matter what I do or say, she just doesn't seem to buy the idea that I don't want to live in her hometown for any other reasons than what I've given her.....

More troublesome to me is the issue with her dog. I'm sure this statement alone will turn 99% of you against me, but I don't like animals. I don't hate them--but I'm just not thrilled about having animals in the house. I didn't grow up with pets, so I'm sure the pet owners out there can imagine that having a dog is an adjustment for me. When we got married, my wife made it clear that it was important for her to have a dog. Despite all of my reservations, I figured I'd just suck it up and learn how to live with the dog. After all, if having a dog would make my wife happy, then how could I not be for it? Well, agreeing to the dog has been my biggest regret in our marriage. When she said she thought a dog was like a member of the family, I didn't know that she would expect me to treat the dog like my own child, or that she would want me to let the dog sleep in our bed with us or that she would pretty much give the dog free reign of the house without ever disciplining the dog for any bad behavior. She gets furious at me for not fawning over the dog like she does, she is forever disappointed that I won't agree to have the dog in the bed with us and she spazzes on me when I make any attempt to limit what the dog can do around our house. Here's the big issue--she's convinced that I am abusive with the dog. We were going for a walk today and as we were walking out of the house, she asked me to hold the dog's leash while she locked the front door. I obliged--as I was holding the dog's leash, the dog happened to notice one of our neighbors across the street and naturally tried to take off running. When she hit the end of her leash, obviously she had quite a jerk. My wife is convinced that I was the one who jerked the leash back to intentionally try to hurt the dog. I'm really hurt and angered over the thing because I want to know why my wife thinks I'm the kind of person who would intentionally hurt anyone or anything. No, I don't like dogs, but that doesn't mean I would do anything to hurt our dog or anyone else's. I asked her tonight while we were fighting what kind of man she thought I was: the kind of person who would do what she was accusing me of or not. Either way, I think there's a problem. If she doesn't think I'm intentionally trying to hurt her dog, then there's a big problem in my mind that she's accusing me of that. If she DOES think I'm intentionally trying to hurt the dog, then she doesn't know me at all. How am I supposed to have children with this woman if she doesn't trust me with her dog??

I don't mean for this post to sound as bleak as it does. Most of the time, I'm happy with our relationship. I'm still upset and venting so everything is coming through a negative filter, but I feel like this is the root of all of our problems. We both are so lucky to have excellent jobs, to live in a beautiful home and to have so many friends and family. My wife and I have it so much better than our parents ever had it and we're just starting out. Yet, I've come to feel that she is ungrateful for all of this....she makes ridiculous accusations against me and I no longer know how to handle it. I think the best way to put it is that I feel my wife sees me in a worse light than anyone else in my life. I've tried every way I know to talk to her, but I don't get anywhere. I think if I suggested we go to a counselor she would either be insulted or hurt. Either way, I think she'd refuse. This message board is the next step for me to get unbiased advice. I love my wife and am absolutely sure she is the one for me, but I'm getting less sure she's absolutely sure I'm the one for her.....

Any help you can offer is appreciated.....

[Sparkie]

Hey mate

I get a sense from reading your post that there is some underlying resentment from your wife to you. That the issues you site are just symptoms of something else.

The 'issue' may be nothing more than she is used to getting her own way and can't be flexible within a partnership. Or it may be something else more sinister like she has doubts and these fights are how they are playing out.

Communication is key IMHO. Maybe counselling is needed, just to be able to talk about the actual issue, rather than fighting about the symptom, in a safe environment.

I may be totally wrong, and it's all about family and dogs. But I don't think so, and i don't think you do either. Your concerns seem valid (her not being so sure anymore), and it would be in your best interest to get to the bottom of it.

[steelcitymstro]

Sparkie....thanks for your reply. I totally agree with you that these things are a symptom of something larger, but I don't have any idea what that something may be. If she has doubts about me, I can't get her to fess up to them. Your point about her not getting her way may have some truth to it as well--she definitely grew up with a silver spoon in her mouth. She's a wonderful person, but a wonderful person who was probably spoiled as a child and greatly out of touch with how average people live. I've often thought it was a miracle she turned out as well as she has based on the way her family has brought her up....of course, I didn't figure a lot of this out until long after we were married....I really didn't want to rush into a marriage. We were so careful to try to get everything right, but 3 years later, I'm thinking that everyone's definition of "rushed" may be different. I thought dating for a year before getting engaged was time enough to know that I wanted to be with this person for the rest of my life. Truth be told, I felt that way after the first three weeks with her.....but maybe we did rush it.

[Jelina]

I get the sense that maybe your wife is basing the whole moving ordeal on past experiences with you. Have you ever acted a little too controlling in the past? Maybe she feels that you don't want to move closer to her family because you want to alienate her by separating her from her nosey family.

I don't think it's fair that she expects you to want to move. You let her have the dog, so why can't you stay where you want to stay now. It's not right that you will have to move farther from your family. You should explain this to her, and let her know that you guys can still visit her family over the holidays.

[steelcitymstro]

Jelina--thanks for your reply. I will readily admit that I have been controlling in the past....not intentionally, but I think a marriage is so much different than a close dating relationship in terms of what kind of give and take you need. Even so, what could I have possibly done to make her think that I want to alienate her from her family? Yes, her family is nosey, but they're still her family and my family too. I love her parents...I just don't want them breathing down our necks.

The moving thing is a hot button issue because neither of us are happy with the town we're living in right now. We're thinking in terms of where we'd like to raise kids someday and this place definitely isn't it. Good place to start a career....bad place to start a family, if that makes sense. We both agree we want to move, but I want to move somewhere closer to the halfway point between our folks, whereas she sees no problem with moving us to her hometown or closer to that direction. I could honestly get over living further away from my family, but I don't think my family could! Plus, I know this is petty, but it's kind of the principle of the thing too....It aggravates me to know that I would *never* ask her to move to my hometown because I know how much it would hurt her to be constantly away from her family, but she has no problem asking me to do the same....

[Jelina]

I agree with you about not moving. It wouldn't be right at all. Have you tried to explain to her that it wouldn't be fair? You guys both have to decide and agree on the place that you want to live in. If you move way too close to her family you won't be happy and you will think she's getting her way again, first with the dog and now this. If you move too far from her family she will believe that her thoughts about you trying to keep her away from her family are correct. I don't think you guys should be thinking about kids now anyways.

[steelcitymstro]

I've tried my very best to make my case about where we should live. This is one major issue that we did not discuss that much before we were married. We are in jobs that pretty much dictate where we'll live....plus we have different career goals....so the issue of where we live is not so cut and dry. However, we have the same family goals and are trying to be proactive. Having kids is at least 3-5 years away if not longer, but the sooner we find jobs that we can live with for awhile, the sooner we can find a place to live and a place to raise a family in the future. Plus, I never would have imagined in a million years that she wouldn't have agreed that we need to live halfway between the families. It was a huge shock to me the first time she ever brought up moving back home.....I still can't believe that she can seriously make that suggestion without any regard to my family.....My dad died three months after we got engaged.....my mom and brother truly need me and I feel like I'm an absentee family member as it is--I can't back out on them even more.

*sigh*

[annie24]

hi - i don't know how much i can add. but i'll help where i can. first off, i think her complaint about being too far away from her family is kind of funny/strange to me. seeing as how most of my family is scattered across the planet and i don't have any family even in the same time zone as me, 2 hours is nothing.

second, i agree with not having kids with her right now, not until you two have sorted out your issues. and third, while i am a huge animal lover myself, i am not for dogs sleeping in the same bed as humans. dogs like to roll around in the ground, on gross stuff, and it's just not healthy, IMHO. plus, for a couple, i don't see how romantic it is to share your bed with other beings, animals included! I've only had cats, but i rarely let my cats sleep in my bed, it was really only once in a blue moon.

so why is she making such a big deal over some relatively small things? i don't know. would counseling be something you two would consider? i wonder if she is angry about something else?

[Sparkie]

Originally Posted by steelcitymstro

I've tried my very best to make my case about where we should live........... Plus, I never would have imagined in a million years that she wouldn't have agreed that we need to live halfway between the families. It was a huge shock to me the first time she ever brought up moving back home.

This says to me that there is more going on than meets the eye. It is possible that she is sensing something isn't right between you or has doubts, and is subconsciously (or consciously) taking steps to surround herself with a support system. Just in case, or so that she return back to what she knew before her marriage.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Quite frankly she sounds very spoiled and used to getting her own way. Her negative viewpoint of you is not necessarily how she REALLY views you...that could simply be her way of lashing out at you for not getting what she wants. It is a tactic of manipulation...when you do not bow to her wishes she basically she gives the impression that she views you as a terrible person. So one minute you could be the greatest thing since sliced bread...and the next minute, when she is peeved at you for not caving into her demands she becomes like a petulant child telling her mother "you never do anything for me, you are a bad mother". Your expectations are quite fair and reasonable...too bad she lacks understanding and empathy and is rather selfish.