Boyfriend was sexually abused as child, takes it out on me constantly..I am at the end of my rope...

Sickandtired09 · 03-25-2009, 05:20 PM

I will start with what happened today, within the last hour. I had slept naked, which I usually do because it is very comfortable to me, and didn't get dressed this morning. Basically, I was walking around the house "in the nude" and my boyfriend and I watched a TV show in the bedroom this morning while I was nude as well. This felt completely normal to me, since we have been together for three years, and what man doesn't want his naked girlfriend in bed next to him, or doing things around the house naked? My boyfriend proceeded to tell me that he felt uncomfortable by me being naked, which caused an argument because I immediately assumed he thought I looked bad or that my body was shameful. He then, very angrily, told me that I "never understand" his reasons for getting uncomfortable, and I repeatedly asked him to tell me what made him uncomfortable. As I was getting dressed (which I had to do anyways because of a class I needed to go to), he told me that he gets uncomfortable because it reminds him of "someone or something" from when he was a little. What caused even more fighting, was after I told him that he needs therapy, he just got mad and belittled me, telling me I have issues and he has "suffered through them for years" and that I have no idea what I'm talking about, and that I'm not trying to help, I am only trying to be "against him". Of course, at this point I feel like he is projecting on to me, taking his deep rooted pain out on me, and trying to make me hurt to ease his own mind. All of which he denies.

This has been somewhat of an ongoing thing, things like this have happened consistently throughout our 3 year relationship, and he never gets help for himself. I am tired, emotionally worn out, and sick of being the victim of his pain. I have PTSD (I was physically abused by my ex and given a concussion, and suffered multiple other physical and mental abuses from him, and raped at age 17 by him, I hate talking about it), I sought help for it, and he uses that against me as some sort of weapon/defense mechanism to justify his own issues. But the difference is that I sought help.

Whenever I cry or get upset during arguments, it's because he uses attacks against me, tries to intentionally hurt me with his words, and he brings up things that are very sensitive, even things he promises to never use against me. I never try to hurt him, I only try to be firm and tell him how I feel and what I think he should do (for example, get therapy). He tells me that when I cry I am having "hissy fits" or that I can't control my emotions...when really I am overwhelmed, sad, hurt, and tired of this constant fighting.

I think it all stems from his abuse as a child, and I don't know what to do anymore. The things he has mentioned that have happened to him are pretty bad too. He said that he remembers being a child and his mom making him suck on her nipple while she masturbated, which he later denied and said "he thinks its not true". He said his sister forced him to have sex with her at a young age. He has also mentioned an older neighbor man who took him to a shed, forced him to perform oral sex, and left him there until his sisters found him, but he never told anyone. All of these stories he denies from time to time, but will admit other times. I am deathly afraid he will read this, but I don't know what I am supposed to do anymore. I have also found several things on the computer that make me question him, like "14yo teen sex" videos, which he blamed on a friend. He also barely has sex with me, and when he does it's like a chore for him...it has made my self esteem go out the window. I am 23 years old, halfway through college, I have my own problems, I am trying to grow up and rationalize my own life...he is 27 and I can't keep worrying about his life so much, and I can't keep taking such angry treatment for only trying to help. I don't believe that smiling and nodding and just agreeing with everything he says is helping him, and he feels like that's what I should do to help...but I would rather be firm and tell him he needs therapy. I want to feel comfortable too, and walk around naked if I want without getting treated like dirt by someone who supposedly cares about me. I want to be able to touch him like other couples touch other, without him getting angry and accusing me of being forceful, because I am not...I'm just a girl in love wondering what the hell is going on, because this is not how I pictured that four letter word.

I am in pain, and I want to help him with his pain...but I don't feel like I should suffer this much for it....I feel like giving up but I don't want to be alone....

ANY ADVICE OR HELP WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. SORRY FOR WRITING SUCH A LONG POST, I AM JUST REALLY DISTRAUGHT.

sandrawg · 03-25-2009, 05:32 PM

Why are you staying with this guy? Seriously. I speak from experience--I was with a guy for a year who was verbally abusive to me, and I kept rationalizing it because he had been severely abused as a child.

This was very damaging to my own psyche, however, and I had to get out. He was toxic with a capital T.

Honey, I hate to tell you, but I think some people just aren't fit to be in a relationship. They're just not capable because they're too damaged. As much as you want to think that your bf needs love and deserves a companion, he may not be able to be with someone without transferring the abuse he suffered onto someone else.

Sickandtired09 · 03-25-2009, 05:36 PM

Thank you, I know you are right because I feel the same way deep inside. Something tells me he will not be there when it counts...it is just so, so, so painful. But thank you for your reply.

Pr0vocative · 03-25-2009, 06:13 PM

I fail to see why you're with him

knightingale · 03-25-2009, 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sandrawg

Why are you staying with this guy? Seriously. I speak from experience--I was with a guy for a year who was verbally abusive to me, and I kept rationalizing it because he had been severely abused as a child.

This was very damaging to my own psyche, however, and I had to get out. He was toxic with a capital T.

Honey, I hate to tell you, but I think some people just aren't fit to be in a relationship. They're just not capable because they're too damaged. As much as you want to think that your bf needs love and deserves a companion, he may not be able to be with someone without transferring the abuse he suffered onto someone else.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with sandrawg here. I know you care about him, but until he get some help, this relationship is unhealthy and damaging to both of you. You need to walk away. You've faced your demons, it's time for him to face his.

Aurian · 03-25-2009, 06:26 PM

Unfortunately, staying and trying to be there for him or support him will not help him change if he does not want to. He seems to want to live with the pain and lash out at others, instead of looking for help to come to grips with it and deal with it.

I am all for helping one's significant other, but that person has to WANT to change and be doing things to try change.

Please don`t think you need to stay and take his abuse. Even if he was abused, it is no excuse for him to abuse you (and he is with his words).

volpe · 03-25-2009, 06:36 PM

Yeah, I don't have much to add, other than I second what everyone else says. I know it is ***much*** harder to quit a relationship than to advise it.

villie · 03-25-2009, 07:34 PM

i dont have any knowledge of expereince of this type of relationship, but from reading that i wonder why you are with him. I understand you may love him (besides the bad stuff), and its been 3 years. But 3 years and he has done nothing to help himself but take it out on you. And espically using your PTSD against you is wrong on many levels. How can you do that if you love someone. Your so young, and as you said you have your own stuff, you definatly dont need his. If he was willing to get help, maybe it would be different.

He's dragging you down.

Sickandtired09 · 03-26-2009, 07:36 PM

I texted him today asking if he'd be willing to do counseling with me...and all he could say was that he wants to be left alone, and that I'm "too negative" and that I need to apologize and stop treating him like * * * * and belitting him??????? WHAT THE ****? That's what he's doing to me....I'm about to walk away if he doesn't agree to counseling.

Xuul · 03-27-2009, 10:01 AM

I disagree with the assessment made by most. Just hear me out here...

Yes, it's obvious that this person is being abusive by acting out and projecting his issues on to you.

BUT obviously, you see something in him, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't put up with this BS, right?

If you're staying with him just to try to "fix" him, then leave. All you can do by staying with him if this is your angle is to make yourself miserable and enable him to keep this behavior up, which is not healthy for either of you.

Speaking from experience, I can tell you what WOULD have been helpful for me in this situation. Painful, but helpful and worth it in the end, I believe.

Leave immediately, or ASAP. Don't tell him you're "Thinking about it" or threaten to in a fight. Do it when things are relatively peaceful. Don't give him an opportunity to draw you into a fight or try to talk you out of it. As cold as it is, maybe even leave when he's not home if you live with him.

I know this sounds horrible, and it will feel miserable. There is a purpose though. The key is you MUST be VERY clear with him on WHY you are leaving him. Don't confuse the issue. As tempting as it may be to go off on him and rehash every single argument you've ever had, or bring up things that are old issues, don't do it. While it may make you feel better to get it off your chest, you'll confuse the hell out of him and if he's going to benefit, he needs to know the truth. Tell him you know he needs help and if he wants to spend his life in denial, you're not going to deal with it.

Now, here's the tricky part. Stay away, completely for one month. 30 days, no exceptions. During this time.... do NOT hook up with anyone else. No "meaningless" sex with anyone, not friends, not strangers, no one. If the reasons for this aren't obvious, it's primarily because it does two things:
1. Seperates your bond from him, which will already happen because you're not sleeping with him.
2. It brings you closer to another person, which just confuses the issue. When a relationship is just starting out, people put their best foot forward. Considering you have a bevy of bad memories of your current boyfriend, it won't take a hell of a lot for some guy that may really be a total loser to come along and look like he's prince charming. You don't need any more frustration or confusion or even potential drama on your plate during this time. It may help you "get over him" quicker, but you will regret it and feel like a piece of trash at some point.

Instead, take this time to think for yourself. Maybe get yourself some therapy. Really take the time to evaluate what this relationship means to you, if it's worth hanging on to...maybe read a few books regarding dysfunctional relationships or abuse cycles. That stuff can really open your eyes if read with an open mind.

If he e-mails you, don't reply. Go ahead and read them if you want to see if he's made any progress.... during the first week though, don't give too much credence to anything he says (good or bad). This is when the emotions run the highest typically and people can say all kinds of mean - or desperate - things they don't mean.

After the 30 days, see if he's gotten himself into therapy of some kind. If he's without insurance, take that into consideration....but he can still either find someone that works on a sliding scale or at the VERY least try to join a group therapy session.

If he's still insisting that he's fine.... cut your losses and walk away. He's probably just a stubborn bastard and he'll likely not change until he's really hit bottom....which can take a VERY long time for some people.

At that point, if he has changed a bit or at least shows some progress and a desire to change, and assuming you still want to pursue something with him, go ahead and give it a chance. Ultimately, it's your call regardless of what any of us think or any therapist tells you.

The reason this MAY work, is that sadly, people do sometimes have to lose what they have in order to really appreciate it. With any luck it will make things snap into perspective for him - like a real life slap in the face.

I would not recommend staying with him at this point though... you're caught up in a cycle and no wishful thinking is going to pull you guys out of it. Things could improve for awhile but you'll inevitably end up in the same rut. Trust me, I have been there. The phrase, "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions" is very, very true.

03-25-2009, 05:20 PM	#1
Sickandtired09 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 9	Boyfriend was sexually abused as child, takes it out on me constantly..I am at the end of my rope... I will start with what happened today, within the last hour. I had slept naked, which I usually do because it is very comfortable to me, and didn't get dressed this morning. Basically, I was walking around the house "in the nude" and my boyfriend and I watched a TV show in the bedroom this morning while I was nude as well. This felt completely normal to me, since we have been together for three years, and what man doesn't want his naked girlfriend in bed next to him, or doing things around the house naked? My boyfriend proceeded to tell me that he felt uncomfortable by me being naked, which caused an argument because I immediately assumed he thought I looked bad or that my body was shameful. He then, very angrily, told me that I "never understand" his reasons for getting uncomfortable, and I repeatedly asked him to tell me what made him uncomfortable. As I was getting dressed (which I had to do anyways because of a class I needed to go to), he told me that he gets uncomfortable because it reminds him of "someone or something" from when he was a little. What caused even more fighting, was after I told him that he needs therapy, he just got mad and belittled me, telling me I have issues and he has "suffered through them for years" and that I have no idea what I'm talking about, and that I'm not trying to help, I am only trying to be "against him". Of course, at this point I feel like he is projecting on to me, taking his deep rooted pain out on me, and trying to make me hurt to ease his own mind. All of which he denies. This has been somewhat of an ongoing thing, things like this have happened consistently throughout our 3 year relationship, and he never gets help for himself. I am tired, emotionally worn out, and sick of being the victim of his pain. I have PTSD (I was physically abused by my ex and given a concussion, and suffered multiple other physical and mental abuses from him, and raped at age 17 by him, I hate talking about it), I sought help for it, and he uses that against me as some sort of weapon/defense mechanism to justify his own issues. But the difference is that I sought help. Whenever I cry or get upset during arguments, it's because he uses attacks against me, tries to intentionally hurt me with his words, and he brings up things that are very sensitive, even things he promises to never use against me. I never try to hurt him, I only try to be firm and tell him how I feel and what I think he should do (for example, get therapy). He tells me that when I cry I am having "hissy fits" or that I can't control my emotions...when really I am overwhelmed, sad, hurt, and tired of this constant fighting. I think it all stems from his abuse as a child, and I don't know what to do anymore. The things he has mentioned that have happened to him are pretty bad too. He said that he remembers being a child and his mom making him suck on her nipple while she masturbated, which he later denied and said "he thinks its not true". He said his sister forced him to have sex with her at a young age. He has also mentioned an older neighbor man who took him to a shed, forced him to perform oral sex, and left him there until his sisters found him, but he never told anyone. All of these stories he denies from time to time, but will admit other times. I am deathly afraid he will read this, but I don't know what I am supposed to do anymore. I have also found several things on the computer that make me question him, like "14yo teen sex" videos, which he blamed on a friend. He also barely has sex with me, and when he does it's like a chore for him...it has made my self esteem go out the window. I am 23 years old, halfway through college, I have my own problems, I am trying to grow up and rationalize my own life...he is 27 and I can't keep worrying about his life so much, and I can't keep taking such angry treatment for only trying to help. I don't believe that smiling and nodding and just agreeing with everything he says is helping him, and he feels like that's what I should do to help...but I would rather be firm and tell him he needs therapy. I want to feel comfortable too, and walk around naked if I want without getting treated like dirt by someone who supposedly cares about me. I want to be able to touch him like other couples touch other, without him getting angry and accusing me of being forceful, because I am not...I'm just a girl in love wondering what the hell is going on, because this is not how I pictured that four letter word. I am in pain, and I want to help him with his pain...but I don't feel like I should suffer this much for it....I feel like giving up but I don't want to be alone.... ANY ADVICE OR HELP WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. SORRY FOR WRITING SUCH A LONG POST, I AM JUST REALLY DISTRAUGHT. Last edited by Sickandtired09; 03-25-2009 at 05:43 PM.

03-25-2009, 06:26 PM	#6
Aurian Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Vancouver, Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 2,364	Unfortunately, staying and trying to be there for him or support him will not help him change if he does not want to. He seems to want to live with the pain and lash out at others, instead of looking for help to come to grips with it and deal with it. I am all for helping one's significant other, but that person has to WANT to change and be doing things to try change. Please don`t think you need to stay and take his abuse. Even if he was abused, it is no excuse for him to abuse you (and he is with his words). __________________ How to spot a loser and understanding the abused victim: http://www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm Excellent articles!

03-25-2009, 05:32 PM	#2
sandrawg Offline Silver Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Gender: Female Posts: 696	Why are you staying with this guy? Seriously. I speak from experience--I was with a guy for a year who was verbally abusive to me, and I kept rationalizing it because he had been severely abused as a child. This was very damaging to my own psyche, however, and I had to get out. He was toxic with a capital T. Honey, I hate to tell you, but I think some people just aren't fit to be in a relationship. They're just not capable because they're too damaged. As much as you want to think that your bf needs love and deserves a companion, he may not be able to be with someone without transferring the abuse he suffered onto someone else.

03-25-2009, 05:36 PM	#3
Sickandtired09 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 9	Thank you, I know you are right because I feel the same way deep inside. Something tells me he will not be there when it counts...it is just so, so, so painful. But thank you for your reply.

03-25-2009, 06:13 PM	#4
Pr0vocative Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 68	I fail to see why you're with him

03-25-2009, 06:36 PM	#7
volpe Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 1,626	Yeah, I don't have much to add, other than I second what everyone else says. I know it is *much* harder to quit a relationship than to advise it.

03-25-2009, 07:34 PM	#8
villie Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 166	i dont have any knowledge of expereince of this type of relationship, but from reading that i wonder why you are with him. I understand you may love him (besides the bad stuff), and its been 3 years. But 3 years and he has done nothing to help himself but take it out on you. And espically using your PTSD against you is wrong on many levels. How can you do that if you love someone. Your so young, and as you said you have your own stuff, you definatly dont need his. If he was willing to get help, maybe it would be different. He's dragging you down.

03-26-2009, 07:36 PM	#9
Sickandtired09 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 9	I texted him today asking if he'd be willing to do counseling with me...and all he could say was that he wants to be left alone, and that I'm "too negative" and that I need to apologize and stop treating him like * * * * and belitting him??????? WHAT THE ****? That's what he's doing to me....I'm about to walk away if he doesn't agree to counseling.

03-27-2009, 10:01 AM	#10
Xuul Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 21	I disagree with the assessment made by most. Just hear me out here... Yes, it's obvious that this person is being abusive by acting out and projecting his issues on to you. BUT obviously, you see something in him, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't put up with this BS, right? If you're staying with him just to try to "fix" him, then leave. All you can do by staying with him if this is your angle is to make yourself miserable and enable him to keep this behavior up, which is not healthy for either of you. Speaking from experience, I can tell you what WOULD have been helpful for me in this situation. Painful, but helpful and worth it in the end, I believe. Leave immediately, or ASAP. Don't tell him you're "Thinking about it" or threaten to in a fight. Do it when things are relatively peaceful. Don't give him an opportunity to draw you into a fight or try to talk you out of it. As cold as it is, maybe even leave when he's not home if you live with him. I know this sounds horrible, and it will feel miserable. There is a purpose though. The key is you MUST be VERY clear with him on WHY you are leaving him. Don't confuse the issue. As tempting as it may be to go off on him and rehash every single argument you've ever had, or bring up things that are old issues, don't do it. While it may make you feel better to get it off your chest, you'll confuse the hell out of him and if he's going to benefit, he needs to know the truth. Tell him you know he needs help and if he wants to spend his life in denial, you're not going to deal with it. Now, here's the tricky part. Stay away, completely for one month. 30 days, no exceptions. During this time.... do NOT hook up with anyone else. No "meaningless" sex with anyone, not friends, not strangers, no one. If the reasons for this aren't obvious, it's primarily because it does two things: 1. Seperates your bond from him, which will already happen because you're not sleeping with him. 2. It brings you closer to another person, which just confuses the issue. When a relationship is just starting out, people put their best foot forward. Considering you have a bevy of bad memories of your current boyfriend, it won't take a hell of a lot for some guy that may really be a total loser to come along and look like he's prince charming. You don't need any more frustration or confusion or even potential drama on your plate during this time. It may help you "get over him" quicker, but you will regret it and feel like a piece of trash at some point. Instead, take this time to think for yourself. Maybe get yourself some therapy. Really take the time to evaluate what this relationship means to you, if it's worth hanging on to...maybe read a few books regarding dysfunctional relationships or abuse cycles. That stuff can really open your eyes if read with an open mind. If he e-mails you, don't reply. Go ahead and read them if you want to see if he's made any progress.... during the first week though, don't give too much credence to anything he says (good or bad). This is when the emotions run the highest typically and people can say all kinds of mean - or desperate - things they don't mean. After the 30 days, see if he's gotten himself into therapy of some kind. If he's without insurance, take that into consideration....but he can still either find someone that works on a sliding scale or at the VERY least try to join a group therapy session. If he's still insisting that he's fine.... cut your losses and walk away. He's probably just a stubborn bastard and he'll likely not change until he's really hit bottom....which can take a VERY long time for some people. At that point, if he has changed a bit or at least shows some progress and a desire to change, and assuming you still want to pursue something with him, go ahead and give it a chance. Ultimately, it's your call regardless of what any of us think or any therapist tells you. The reason this MAY work, is that sadly, people do sometimes have to lose what they have in order to really appreciate it. With any luck it will make things snap into perspective for him - like a real life slap in the face. I would not recommend staying with him at this point though... you're caught up in a cycle and no wishful thinking is going to pull you guys out of it. Things could improve for awhile but you'll inevitably end up in the same rut. Trust me, I have been there. The phrase, "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions" is very, very true.