siblings sexual abuse

Gongas · 03-23-2009, 12:15 PM

Hi
I don’t exactly know how to begin this.
I have been married for a long time. More than 20 years. My H has a large family, many brothers, many sisters.
One of the brothers, who is my age, is single and homosexual. Not openly, but I know he is. How I know, is not relevant.
Anyway, since I am very good friends with this brother and he has been many years abroad, we are sort of catching up now after many years apart. I was talk-ing with him today and I don’t know how, conversation focused on my older brother in law. This guy is charming, if a little overbearing, the guy everybody love, tons of friends, his children adore him, he’s the center of the family, the cen-ter of every party, etc. you get the idea.
Anyway my brother in law (my friend) told me, more or less out of the blue that this other brother in law (older brother) is not as nice a guy as he seems and that he actually had done quite a lot of damage to his siblings when they were kids. I asked what he meant and he very directly and explicitly told me he sexually abused him (my friend brother in law) AND two younger sisters. And that this went on for almost 10 years and that by the time he was 18 he simply put a stop to it because he was so confused before that, that he simply did not know what to do.
I must specify that older brother is 8 years older than my friend and almost 11 older than my youngest sister in law.
My friend brother in law proceeded to say that many years later he watched him closely around his nephews and nieces and thought to himself that, despite never having done so, he’d turn him in if he ever realized that he was doing it all over again with the little ones.
It seems all of this started when my friend-brother in law was 7 or 8.
I asked him if my husband had been abused too and he said no.
Asked him if my parents in law were aware of it and he said he did not know but that even if they had been aware they’d probably pretend they didn’t for fear of a scandal.
This is a very, very traditional and old fashioned family we are talking about: go to church every Sunday, they all marry a virgin, a family where bigotry runs deep and sex is something you do not talk about.
I am in total shock and don’t know if I should talk to my husband or not. I feel like I have never known them. After more than 20 years, I feel like I am a total alien to these people. And did my husband know about this too and never said a word?
And how could my parents in law realize that something so terribly wrong was going on and never raise a finger on their oldest ?
I feel like the world is not the same to me.
I did not know what to say, although I always knew my oldest brother in law and friend-brother in law positively disliked each other, I never imagined… this….
I have never heard either sisters in law say anything about this but they both have quite severe hang ups regarding sex.

shuttlefish · 03-23-2009, 01:31 PM

Got a little confused as to the cast here - try using fake names instead of "the brother in law of my brother's friend's husband's etc etc"

Also couldn't figure out ages etc either

However,

I think that experimentation - same sex, opposite sex whatever, is pretty normal among kids. If they are all around the same age (ie: under, say, 12 years old) then it is not abuse...at least probably not.

If one of the experiementers is significantly older than the other, or if there is unwillingness on one or the others part then it is abuse and it is a concern.

**avman** · 03-23-2009, 06:07 PM

Quote:

I think that experimentation - same sex, opposite sex whatever, is pretty normal among kids. If they are all around the same age (ie: under, say, 12 years old) then it is not abuse...at least probably not.

I completely 100% disagree. The OP stated that the oldest brother who did this was 8 years older and it started when the younger brother was 8. So thats sexual contact between a 16 year old and an 8 year old. That is abuse and it went on for years.

I think you should talk to your husband about this. This isn't the kind of thing that should be kept in the closet because there is a chance this man is still doing these things today.

SiLentAnGeL · 03-28-2009, 11:48 PM

Nah that's bad.

03-23-2009, 12:15 PM	#1
Gongas Offline Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 2	siblings sexual abuse Hi I don’t exactly know how to begin this. I have been married for a long time. More than 20 years. My H has a large family, many brothers, many sisters. One of the brothers, who is my age, is single and homosexual. Not openly, but I know he is. How I know, is not relevant. Anyway, since I am very good friends with this brother and he has been many years abroad, we are sort of catching up now after many years apart. I was talk-ing with him today and I don’t know how, conversation focused on my older brother in law. This guy is charming, if a little overbearing, the guy everybody love, tons of friends, his children adore him, he’s the center of the family, the cen-ter of every party, etc. you get the idea. Anyway my brother in law (my friend) told me, more or less out of the blue that this other brother in law (older brother) is not as nice a guy as he seems and that he actually had done quite a lot of damage to his siblings when they were kids. I asked what he meant and he very directly and explicitly told me he sexually abused him (my friend brother in law) AND two younger sisters. And that this went on for almost 10 years and that by the time he was 18 he simply put a stop to it because he was so confused before that, that he simply did not know what to do. I must specify that older brother is 8 years older than my friend and almost 11 older than my youngest sister in law. My friend brother in law proceeded to say that many years later he watched him closely around his nephews and nieces and thought to himself that, despite never having done so, he’d turn him in if he ever realized that he was doing it all over again with the little ones. It seems all of this started when my friend-brother in law was 7 or 8. I asked him if my husband had been abused too and he said no. Asked him if my parents in law were aware of it and he said he did not know but that even if they had been aware they’d probably pretend they didn’t for fear of a scandal. This is a very, very traditional and old fashioned family we are talking about: go to church every Sunday, they all marry a virgin, a family where bigotry runs deep and sex is something you do not talk about. I am in total shock and don’t know if I should talk to my husband or not. I feel like I have never known them. After more than 20 years, I feel like I am a total alien to these people. And did my husband know about this too and never said a word? And how could my parents in law realize that something so terribly wrong was going on and never raise a finger on their oldest ? I feel like the world is not the same to me. I did not know what to say, although I always knew my oldest brother in law and friend-brother in law positively disliked each other, I never imagined… this…. I have never heard either sisters in law say anything about this but they both have quite severe hang ups regarding sex.

03-28-2009, 11:48 PM	#4
SiLentAnGeL Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: somewhere over the rainbow Gender: Female Age: 16 Posts: 10	Nah that's bad. __________________ Sometimes 'Truth' hurts but then again the truth sets us free call me Yaelle, and that's final!! :D

03-23-2009, 01:31 PM	#2
shuttlefish Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 1,668	Got a little confused as to the cast here - try using fake names instead of "the brother in law of my brother's friend's husband's etc etc" Also couldn't figure out ages etc either However, I think that experimentation - same sex, opposite sex whatever, is pretty normal among kids. If they are all around the same age (ie: under, say, 12 years old) then it is not abuse...at least probably not. If one of the experiementers is significantly older than the other, or if there is unwillingness on one or the others part then it is abuse and it is a concern.