Still haunting me 4 years later...

PsychGirly · 03-19-2009, 01:31 PM

This is something I normally don't talk about, or even think about, but for some reason, it's been really haunting me lately.

My father passed away 4 years ago.

To keep a really long story short, my parents divorced when I was 9. He was an amazing person, but he got involved with the wrong people. He became heavily addicted to drugs, & he became abusive.

After the divorce, my sister & I would see him about twice a month. My mother had 80% custody, so we'd see him whenever he'd wanna see us, basically.

Despite the divorce & the destruction of his life, he continued to do drugs--mainly cocaine.

A month before he passed away (7 years after the divorce), my dad planned a "family dinner" to which my mom agreed. We didn't know what his intentions were, but we went anyway. He ended up asking my mom for forgiveness, & telling her he's realized his life is pointless without his family. My mom knew he was still up to no good, so she declined his offer. Even after the made it clear that she did not want to reconcile, he took out a necklace that he had bought her, & asked her to take it. My mom refused.

A month after that day, we received a call from my uncle telling us that they had found my dad's body at home, & that apparently he had had a heart attack.

As difficult as this was to accept, I figured it's a natural death, & nobody could've done anything.

Well, months later, someone from my dad's side of the family told me that he had cocaine infront of him when they found his body. I asked my mom if this was true, & she told me it was. She said she wanted to spare me the extra details so that I can cope properly.

They had to do 3 autopsies on him to determine what the cause of his death was.

I accessed his death certificate, & under "Cause of Death", it said "Myocardial Infarction (heart attack)", but there was a subsection under that that said "Undetermined".

Also, it was mentioned that he had an "excessive amount of cocaine present".

I try to believe that he wasn't purposely trying to kill himself...but I still don't know until this day. For some reason, the thoughts still haunt me. I've accepted that he's gone, but why do I keep thinking he killed himself?

When I put the pieces together, it makes sense to me. His "last plea" of trying to get his family back together a month before he died...a coincidence?

He also saw our pastor a few days before he passed, & he told him, "No matter how much I try...I'm always a failure. Everytime I take 1 step forward, I end up falling 2 steps back."

My heart tells me he gave up & ended his life...but the report determined his death as "Natural".

Ugh...I dunno. I guess I just needed to vent...

DN · 03-19-2009, 01:39 PM

I think that if he wanted to end his life he would find a way that he knew would be more likely to be fatal.

Don't burden yourself with 'maybe' - because whatever decisions he made about his life they were his decisions - not yours. You were not to blame for anything.

PsychGirly · 03-19-2009, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DN

I think that if he wanted to end his life he would find a way that he knew would be more likely to be fatal.

Don't burden yourself with 'maybe' - because whatever decisions he made about his life they were his decisions - not yours. You were not to blame for anything.

I never thought of it that way.

I know...I've let go of the guilt, but I just feel like it would bring so much closure to know.

Sweet Venus · 03-19-2009, 01:41 PM

Awwwwww I'm sorry to hear about this

I guess all I can say is knowing your father WANTED to do the right thing'
and be a decent man should be the way he was remembered. Addictions..
especially to drugs in addition to knowing you lost your family has to be
hard to cope with. But my sympathies are with you...sorry you're having a
down day..

PsychGirly · 03-19-2009, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweet Venus

Awwwwww I'm sorry to hear about this

I guess all I can say is knowing your father WANTED to do the right thing'
and be a decent man should be the way he was remembered. Addictions..
especially to drugs in addition to knowing you lost your family has to be
hard to cope with. But my sympathies are with you...sorry you're having a
down day..

Thanks honey.

Yea, I still remember him as he was when I was 4 (before the addiction). I chose to let go of the bad memories a long time ago.

DN · 03-19-2009, 01:46 PM

Quote:

I know...I've let go of the guilt

'Letting go of the guilt' implies you did something to be guilty about - and you didn't.

indierockgrl · 03-19-2009, 01:47 PM

Psychgirlie-
your post hit home for me. I am a recovering addict and i lost the boy i was dating 4 months ago to an accidental overdose. It has been the hardest thing in the world to cope with but i am getting stronger everyday. As an addict i know firsthand that it takes a very strong person to admit and then get help from their addictions. I will never have closure with him because he was doing opiates at the time of his death and drinking heavily. He didnt OD on purpose, but he did "kill himself" because when your an addict you have a disease. He had a disease. He probably felt his life was no good because of this illness. You just cant see the good in your life when your head is full of drugs. I am sorry that your father passed away from addiction... That is so sad that he couldnt get help in time. I am sad and miss my friend everyday. I will never know what could have been. His death was so sudden and tragic. He also left a son behind. I am taking my experience and hoping to help others learn about this disease. Maybe you can too. I hope you can find closure with this. I know its hard, but it will be much easier to accept when you realize, how deadly of a disease addiction is...... god bless.

PsychGirly · 03-19-2009, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rturner1

Psychgirlie-
your post hit home for me. I am a recovering addict and i lost the boy i was dating 4 months ago to an accidental overdose. It has been the hardest thing in the world to cope with but i am getting stronger everyday. As an addict i know firsthand that it takes a very strong person to admit and then get help from their addictions. I will never have closure with him because he was doing opiates at the time of his death and drinking heavily. He didnt OD on purpose, but he did "kill himself" because when your an addict you have a disease. He had a disease. He probably felt his life was no good because of this illness. You just cant see the good in your life when your head is full of drugs. I am sorry that your father passed away from addiction... That is so sad that he couldnt get help in time. I am sad and miss my friend everyday. I will never know what could have been. His death was so sudden and tragic. He also left a son behind. I am taking my experience and hoping to help others learn about this disease. Maybe you can too. I hope you can find closure with this. I know its hard, but it will be much easier to accept when you realize, how deadly of a disease addiction is...... god bless.

Thank you so much.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

PsychGirly · 03-19-2009, 01:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DN

'Letting go of the guilt' implies you did something to be guilty about - and you didn't.

Well, I was 16, so I couldn't really do much. I just wish I pushed him to get help.

My mother tried putting him in rehab several times, but he would never go through with it.

I know we tried everything we could.

DN · 03-19-2009, 02:01 PM

Like I said- he made his own decisions. It is heartbreaking when someone you love does those things and self-destructs. But by definition that means they are responsible.

03-19-2009, 01:31 PM	#1
PsychGirly Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: LOS ANGELES Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 2,207	Still haunting me 4 years later... This is something I normally don't talk about, or even think about, but for some reason, it's been really haunting me lately. My father passed away 4 years ago. To keep a really long story short, my parents divorced when I was 9. He was an amazing person, but he got involved with the wrong people. He became heavily addicted to drugs, & he became abusive. After the divorce, my sister & I would see him about twice a month. My mother had 80% custody, so we'd see him whenever he'd wanna see us, basically. Despite the divorce & the destruction of his life, he continued to do drugs--mainly cocaine. A month before he passed away (7 years after the divorce), my dad planned a "family dinner" to which my mom agreed. We didn't know what his intentions were, but we went anyway. He ended up asking my mom for forgiveness, & telling her he's realized his life is pointless without his family. My mom knew he was still up to no good, so she declined his offer. Even after the made it clear that she did not want to reconcile, he took out a necklace that he had bought her, & asked her to take it. My mom refused. A month after that day, we received a call from my uncle telling us that they had found my dad's body at home, & that apparently he had had a heart attack. As difficult as this was to accept, I figured it's a natural death, & nobody could've done anything. Well, months later, someone from my dad's side of the family told me that he had cocaine infront of him when they found his body. I asked my mom if this was true, & she told me it was. She said she wanted to spare me the extra details so that I can cope properly. They had to do 3 autopsies on him to determine what the cause of his death was. I accessed his death certificate, & under "Cause of Death", it said "Myocardial Infarction (heart attack)", but there was a subsection under that that said "Undetermined". Also, it was mentioned that he had an "excessive amount of cocaine present". I try to believe that he wasn't purposely trying to kill himself...but I still don't know until this day. For some reason, the thoughts still haunt me. I've accepted that he's gone, but why do I keep thinking he killed himself? When I put the pieces together, it makes sense to me. His "last plea" of trying to get his family back together a month before he died...a coincidence? He also saw our pastor a few days before he passed, & he told him, "No matter how much I try...I'm always a failure. Everytime I take 1 step forward, I end up falling 2 steps back." My heart tells me he gave up & ended his life...but the report determined his death as "Natural". Ugh...I dunno. I guess I just needed to vent... __________________ "LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE NUMBER OF BREATHS WE TAKE, BUT BY THE NUMBER OF MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY."

03-19-2009, 01:39 PM	#2
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,439	I think that if he wanted to end his life he would find a way that he knew would be more likely to be fatal. Don't burden yourself with 'maybe' - because whatever decisions he made about his life they were his decisions - not yours. You were not to blame for anything. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

03-19-2009, 02:01 PM	#10
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,439	Like I said- he made his own decisions. It is heartbreaking when someone you love does those things and self-destructs. But by definition that means they are responsible. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

03-19-2009, 01:41 PM	#4
Sweet Venus Offline Gold Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 599	Awwwwww I'm sorry to hear about this I guess all I can say is knowing your father WANTED to do the right thing' and be a decent man should be the way he was remembered. Addictions.. especially to drugs in addition to knowing you lost your family has to be hard to cope with. But my sympathies are with you...sorry you're having a down day..

03-19-2009, 01:47 PM	#7
indierockgrl Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Gender: None Specified Posts: 511	Psychgirlie- your post hit home for me. I am a recovering addict and i lost the boy i was dating 4 months ago to an accidental overdose. It has been the hardest thing in the world to cope with but i am getting stronger everyday. As an addict i know firsthand that it takes a very strong person to admit and then get help from their addictions. I will never have closure with him because he was doing opiates at the time of his death and drinking heavily. He didnt OD on purpose, but he did "kill himself" because when your an addict you have a disease. He had a disease. He probably felt his life was no good because of this illness. You just cant see the good in your life when your head is full of drugs. I am sorry that your father passed away from addiction... That is so sad that he couldnt get help in time. I am sad and miss my friend everyday. I will never know what could have been. His death was so sudden and tragic. He also left a son behind. I am taking my experience and hoping to help others learn about this disease. Maybe you can too. I hope you can find closure with this. I know its hard, but it will be much easier to accept when you realize, how deadly of a disease addiction is...... god bless.