Afraid of Attachment to others.

[Steveo12345]

I didn't even realize this until I was talking to a girl that I was talking with the other day. Basically she said that it seems as though I put a wall up that prevents others from really learning about myself. Kind of think of it I do put a wall up, I mean at work I am cool with pretty much everyone. However, I will say hi and ask how they are doing and I say I am doing well and that's about it. I close myself off so others don't have things to talk about me is what I think it is the source of this.

I would like to overcome this and be able to really let others see me as myself and not as a "see what you get" kind of person. Thanks in advance for any help with this, and also I hope I put this in the correct forum.

-Steve

[Nixee]

Do you have an idea why you might do this steve?

I've done this at times in my life too, and usually it has been to keep people at arm's length to avoid getting hurt... sort of a fear of abandonment thing.

It can be hard to let people get in close and see the real you sometimes, because in a nutshell, that means real vulnerability. If they suddenly decide they no longer like what they see, and they go away, then you are left hurting and dealing with it. Or you open up, and as a result you become attached to them only to find they won't reciprocate, and you are left hanging, feeling unfulfilled. Vulnerability... it is rough, and sometimes just easier to close off.

But the thing is... you can't have the rewards of real closeness without the risks.

[Steveo12345]

Well I think part of it is I am leaving this area in about a year. My mentality is why let relationships really grow if I have to break them off in a year and more than likely not see many except my really close knit friends that I already have. I think this isn't right nor fair to others that are trying to get to know me.

[Nixee]

A year is a long time. Plenty of time for a relationship to grow and become very important to you if you let it - important enough for you to keep over distance even.... it is entirely up to you what happens from there... you make the rules.

And who are you to decide what is right and fair for other people? They get to decide that.

I can see your logic, but your reasoning ends up hurting yourself, as you have already admitted you would be interested in overcoming this.

So you think you will instantly open up to people once you are settled in your new location? Why not start now?

I personally relocated across the country late last year, and even though I knew my old home was temporary, I still forced myself to open up and become close to those around me after a bit, and the friends I made still keep in touch with me very regularly and talk about coming to see me in my new home and bought me gifts when I left... I felt very touched. I'm very glad I opened up.

[Maya_A]

Well I think part of it is I am leaving this area in about a year. My mentality is why let relationships really grow if I have to break them off in a year

Your initial message & thread title suggest something different. More deep-seated & ongoing, outside of purely a move coming up.

I only say that because sometimes we (all) rationalize what are fearful behaviors by making up reasons we have them. We try to talk ourselves into thinking we are behaving for one reason when it is really another, fear-based reason... If we do that we never get to working on the cause/s of the fear.

Basically she said that it seems as though I put a wall up that prevents others from really learning about myself. Kind of think of it I do put a wall up, I mean at work I am cool with pretty much everyone. However, I will say hi and ask how they are doing and I say I am doing well and that's about it. I close myself off so others don't have things to talk about me is what I think it is the source of this.

I would like to overcome this and be able to really let others see me as myself and not as a "see what you get" kind of person.

Nixee had some great words & suggestions. There will always be people that like us, or where it seems they don't for whatever reason, who talk kindly about us or gossip about us, etc... No matter what. That is all on them for one, and life is waaay to short to worry about it. And two, if it's going to happen anyway, may as well just be who you are...

Though I have to tell you that I have found that I am more accepted than I have ever been & dreamed I could ever be, since coming into myself & just being my authentic self. I used to close off from people also, for fear of rejection. There is a level of peace & natural confidence that comes with being your true self & others can sense this and they seem to gravitate toward it. I gravitate to it in others with the same energy also. If someone does not like me it is ok.... I do not know what they might be assuming about me but it doesn't really even matter. I wish them well & I know that their feelings are all based within their own self & not a reflection of my own self.

If you strive to learn & grow within, are good-hearted, work toward inward peace, are kind & compassionate toward others and live out this authentic self, you will naturally experience a lot of feelings of acceptance within your days.

To put it simply, if you like who you are others are likely to as well. And if someone does not - it doesn't matter one bit. It is your life to live out as you see fit, not theirs....

[Steveo12345]

Thanks for the replies, I think I have been opening up quite a bit more than in the past. Prior to me going to Iraq I was shy and would barely talk to anyone. After words after establishing and maintaining a healthy lifestyle no fast food, running, lifting consistently my confidence is higher than it has ever been. Some people I find it very natural to just flat out be myself around and others I am pretty shy around I am just trying to be more sociable I guess around anyone and everyone. I do think the main reason like you have stated is rejection. I will try to be myself a bit more and see how that goes. Thanks everyone for the advice and I am starting to realize that yeah that the move is a pretty crappy excuse for a deeper seated fear of rejection.

[Maya_A]

You can overcome that fear for sure. All good thoughts and wishes to you...

[ghost69]

i try not to open up much at work about my personal life. why should i? not out of fear, it's just none of their business.

[Nixee]

Originally Posted by ghost69

i try not to open up much at work about my personal life. why should i? not out of fear, it's just none of their business.

I think this is a valid point about work... there is definitely a line of "too much information" that doesn't always need to be crossed... But at the same time, I don't think there is anything wrong with becoming close or friends with your co-workers if you choose to.. it is all personal choice and depends on your working environment. I was certainly friendly with my co-workers before my move, and it worked out just fine.

But as for everything else.... don't let fear of rejection stop you. Don't let fear stop you period. Rejection is just a temporary thing you'll get over so quickly. A friendship/relationship you might form is something that could stick with you much longer than that with much greater benefits, and it really sounds like something you are missing.

[ghost69]

i do have some close 'friends' at work. but it's not like i call them up and hang out with them on the weekend. i do tell them some personal things because i have befriended them and trust them. but there is a limit on what i will tell them. i just don't want my personal mixed professionally.