Trouble with girl's checkered past...

TerminallyOdd · 03-12-2009, 02:41 AM

I started see a girl that, quite frankly, has a bit of a reputation amongst a group of friends of mine. About 6-7 years ago (she's 26 now, I'm 2

, she dated and slept with one of our mutual friends, then had random drunken encounters (read: sex) with 2 more of them at separate other times. On top of that, since then, she's also hooked up (kissing and high school touching) with 3 more of them on separate occasions, but found she wasn't that into them so moved on. It had been in the past, but the latest was 5 months ago when after a bad breakup, she again hooked up and had sex with one of these guys she had had sex with years and years ago. He tried calling her and following up, but she told him it was a mistake and left it at that.

Now truth be told, I kinda ran with this knowledge and made my move recently. Althought it was all that was on my mind at the time, we didn't end up having sex right away. I had her over my apartment after a night of drinking (we're friends and she was drunk, so I offered her my couch to sleep on). We talked and she seemed so sweet, so I didn't want to push her into anything, so we just talked and went to bed. She's into the whole having a boyfriend thing and not into the casual sex thing anymore. Turns out, we eventually do hook up (no sex right away) and I actually like the girl and she's fallen for me pretty hard too, but this whole past of hers and having to hang out with guys who have had sex with her is so troubling to me. For example, there are situations where we might be in a room with 3 guys who have had sex with her, since we're involved in the same circle of friends. Truth be told, I think they're all cool guys and we both still talk to them. She is still cool with them, seemingly like nothing happened, but I feel like theirs and her thoughts must revert back to those times even unintentionally.

At this point, we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months, we're spending tons of time with each other, having sex all the time, and I still haven't been able to commit fully because of all this....and in actuality, I was kind of relieved to find out she had slept with (only) 13 guys, which isn't as many as I thought, considering her reputation. I also forced details out of her and turns out these flings with these guys we know were just spur of the moment, I've had a few too many, no feelings things with guys she was comfortable with. ...plus, I'm no saint myself and some of my sexcapades were far more gross than hers. Also, I am no stranger to some girls in this group physically including hooking up with her cousins (no sex though). It's just having to see these guys that makes me sick to my stomach, friends or not. I know a few guys that would look at me like I had two heads for making her my girlfriend, though some neutral friends think I'm an idiot for wanting to throw away something seemingly special over this. I'm constantly questioning her about it, and passive aggressively chastising her for it, and she tells me she's not proud, and it's in the past and she never felt anything nearly as strong with those guys as she does with me, but I never feel quite satisfied.

To add to that, it's not often I like a girl. Since my break up a few years ago, I've kind of just been messing around then being done with that girl with no feelings involved. But this time, it's different. She's sweet, sexy as hell and so kind and endlessly patient with me as a I struggle with this, and I feel like such a monster for letting this get to me.

So yeah, I'm just looking for words of advice, encouragement or even criticism, one way or another. Sorry to be so verbose, my mind is just racing and I'm just really torn apart over this.

Sparkie · 03-12-2009, 03:11 AM

I understand where you are coming from. I think it would do my head in too hanging with these guys knowing they'd 5hagged her.

BUT, you have to make a decision, or else it will be made for you. Talk it through with her and then let it go, or walk away. You can't sit in the middle, or it will destroy the relationship. Maybe slowly change the circle of friends also. It's one thing getting your head round this; quite another to have it thrust in your face every time you go out.

mr me · 03-12-2009, 03:51 AM

I agree with what was said. Its hard for you which ppl can understand but sometimes it comes to a double standard. As a guy you dont always feel so comfortable with a girl doing things that a guy usually does. I feel the same way because im not a very sexually active person so i dont think i could be with someone that was. Its more my choice so i think it would be weird for me but it seems like ppl like that get to a point where they change so that could be a dilemma. I also like that you were honest with yourself because you say your no saint. Its really just going to be something that you learn to deal with or you cant so no harm will really be done. Either choice you make your gonna have to deal with and also need to think that whatever it is the best will come out of it. Its one of those life changing type of moments i would say. So i cant say its easy either. Im trying to see what exactly would cause someone to think about what she did and have it make you feel the way it does. I can only come from some type of insecurities which is cliche but i really cant think of anything else. I think that maybe something else you can try to see what is really going on with yourself. I guess hopefully this works out for you.

TheSmilingTurnip · 03-12-2009, 03:57 AM

I understand it bugs you to hang out with people who've had sex with her, but does she also know of your history and that she is hanging out with women that you've had sex with? I think you should challenge your judgmental thoughts at every opportunity, and realize that you've found someone that you actually like, which is a gift, and make a decision to turn your thoughts away from her past.

Also, other people's thoughts are none of your business - that is why we are not psychic. So I would also challenge those judgments about what others are thinking.

TerminallyOdd · 03-12-2009, 11:11 AM

In an effort to even the playing field I have told her all about my sexual past. In the past, she actually thought I was a terrible guy because I hooked up with her cousin, her cousin fell for me and I told her I didn't want a relationship, yet still got drunk and made out with her and stuff...which yeah, was a pretty crappy thing to do. Fortunately and for whatever reason, my past doesn't bother her as much as hers does for me.

So admittedly, A LOT of this has to do with the ugly side of human nature - jealousy, pride and double standards. I don't care that she's had sex with guys before or even been in love before. She's had sex and relationships with dudes I don't know and I have no problem with the realization that girls, just like guys, will have sex. It's almost like they don't exist - out of sight, out of mind. I just hate the idea that se still know these other dudes, and we still see them. I don't wanna seem like a sucker or a chump. I suppose I've always been overly concerned with what people think of me, and I'm not proud or happy about it. I just feel like whatever progress I might make could all be nullified by a stupid comment or look. Maybe I need a shrink...

mca1975 · 03-12-2009, 01:13 PM

Why oh Why do men get like this? I can understand it to a point, but we all have a past. You said yourself that you have not been a saint....

Obviously you are not sure if you trust her yet, as you have only been together a short time, but time will tell. Don't make her feel bad about her past, its hers and she was quite entitled to do what she liked in fact.

Sounds like she is quite into you aswell, don't ruin it. Plus the fact that she is ok with talking to these guys, happily, shows indifference towards them, which is good. If there were issues with getting along with them, then that would probably mean underlying feelings were still there. I know its hard when there are 3 men in the room who have been there, but when you have hung around with a large group of friends in the same area, its likely to happen.

My boyfriend annoys me when he gets like this, because I have been in the room with two of his exes who he has slept with and it doesnt bother me, cause I know he loves me, but he gets all stupid if its the other way around.

TheSmilingTurnip · 03-12-2009, 11:47 PM

I think you need to consider why you are so concerned about what other people think. You're treating this girl like an object, not a person; an object whose value has been lessened with usage.

If you wish to keep the relationship, then you will need a new circle of friends to hang out with with her, which does not include people that either of you have slept with. If you wish to keep the friends, and you cannot stop worrying about other people's thoughts, that you don't even know they are having, since most people think only of themselves!, then you will eventually lose the girl.

Crazyaboutdogs · 03-13-2009, 06:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TerminallyOdd

In an effort to even the playing field I have told her all about my sexual past. In the past, she actually thought I was a terrible guy because I hooked up with her cousin, her cousin fell for me and I told her I didn't want a relationship, yet still got drunk and made out with her and stuff...which yeah, was a pretty crappy thing to do. Fortunately and for whatever reason, my past doesn't bother her as much as hers does for me.

So admittedly, A LOT of this has to do with the ugly side of human nature - jealousy, pride and double standards. I don't care that she's had sex with guys before or even been in love before. She's had sex and relationships with dudes I don't know and I have no problem with the realization that girls, just like guys, will have sex. It's almost like they don't exist - out of sight, out of mind. I just hate the idea that se still know these other dudes, and we still see them. I don't wanna seem like a sucker or a chump. I suppose I've always been overly concerned with what people think of me, and I'm not proud or happy about it. I just feel like whatever progress I might make could all be nullified by a stupid comment or look. Maybe I need a shrink...

When you first started seeing her you had the same intentions as those other men...so you are no better than they are. You just happened to fall for her and it developed into a sort of relationship although you are not committed to her. So part of the reason why you initially wanted to go out with her was because of her reputation of being easy...you wanted to try your luck as well....and you are no stranger to that since you yourself have a less than chaste past with other women. So basically your gripe is all about your ego and being in the same room as others who slept with her. Not much you can do except either ditch her or ditch your other friends. Ifyou want to be with her you are going to have to accept her past and put it behind you...and realize that what you have with her is more special than the drunken sex she had with those other guys.

odile · 03-13-2009, 01:13 PM

I think you're being sexist! Seriously-- you are judging her far harder than you judge even yourself!

And you knew all this stuff about her history before getting involved in the first place, so I'm having trouble understanding why it bothers you now.

You haven't said anything negative about her behaviour in regard to you (i.e., the way she has been since you've been together). And from what you've said about her past (though we don't have details) it seems that at least she has been forthright in her dealings (no cheating or anything like that). If she had wanted to be involved with any of these guys from her past, I suspect that she probably would be.

For the most part, it sounds to me like you need to re-think your judgmental attitude towards her past.

03-12-2009, 02:41 AM	#1
TerminallyOdd Offline Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 2	Trouble with girl's checkered past... I started see a girl that, quite frankly, has a bit of a reputation amongst a group of friends of mine. About 6-7 years ago (she's 26 now, I'm 2, she dated and slept with one of our mutual friends, then had random drunken encounters (read: sex) with 2 more of them at separate other times. On top of that, since then, she's also hooked up (kissing and high school touching) with 3 more of them on separate occasions, but found she wasn't that into them so moved on. It had been in the past, but the latest was 5 months ago when after a bad breakup, she again hooked up and had sex with one of these guys she had had sex with years and years ago. He tried calling her and following up, but she told him it was a mistake and left it at that. Now truth be told, I kinda ran with this knowledge and made my move recently. Althought it was all that was on my mind at the time, we didn't end up having sex right away. I had her over my apartment after a night of drinking (we're friends and she was drunk, so I offered her my couch to sleep on). We talked and she seemed so sweet, so I didn't want to push her into anything, so we just talked and went to bed. She's into the whole having a boyfriend thing and not into the casual sex thing anymore. Turns out, we eventually do hook up (no sex right away) and I actually like the girl and she's fallen for me pretty hard too, but this whole past of hers and having to hang out with guys who have had sex with her is so troubling to me. For example, there are situations where we might be in a room with 3 guys who have had sex with her, since we're involved in the same circle of friends. Truth be told, I think they're all cool guys and we both still talk to them. She is still cool with them, seemingly like nothing happened, but I feel like theirs and her thoughts must revert back to those times even unintentionally. At this point, we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months, we're spending tons of time with each other, having sex all the time, and I still haven't been able to commit fully because of all this....and in actuality, I was kind of relieved to find out she had slept with (only) 13 guys, which isn't as many as I thought, considering her reputation. I also forced details out of her and turns out these flings with these guys we know were just spur of the moment, I've had a few too many, no feelings things with guys she was comfortable with. ...plus, I'm no saint myself and some of my sexcapades were far more gross than hers. Also, I am no stranger to some girls in this group physically including hooking up with her cousins (no sex though). It's just having to see these guys that makes me sick to my stomach, friends or not. I know a few guys that would look at me like I had two heads for making her my girlfriend, though some neutral friends think I'm an idiot for wanting to throw away something seemingly special over this. I'm constantly questioning her about it, and passive aggressively chastising her for it, and she tells me she's not proud, and it's in the past and she never felt anything nearly as strong with those guys as she does with me, but I never feel quite satisfied. To add to that, it's not often I like a girl. Since my break up a few years ago, I've kind of just been messing around then being done with that girl with no feelings involved. But this time, it's different. She's sweet, sexy as hell and so kind and endlessly patient with me as a I struggle with this, and I feel like such a monster for letting this get to me. So yeah, I'm just looking for words of advice, encouragement or even criticism, one way or another. Sorry to be so verbose, my mind is just racing and I'm just really torn apart over this.

03-12-2009, 03:11 AM	#2
Sparkie Offline Silver Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Melbourne Gender: Male Posts: 463	I understand where you are coming from. I think it would do my head in too hanging with these guys knowing they'd 5hagged her. BUT, you have to make a decision, or else it will be made for you. Talk it through with her and then let it go, or walk away. You can't sit in the middle, or it will destroy the relationship. Maybe slowly change the circle of friends also. It's one thing getting your head round this; quite another to have it thrust in your face every time you go out. __________________ My wife and I were very happy for 20 years, and then we met... Parachute for sale. Brand new. Never opened. Small stain.

03-12-2009, 03:57 AM	#4
TheSmilingTurnip Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2005 Age: 33 Posts: 2,042	I understand it bugs you to hang out with people who've had sex with her, but does she also know of your history and that she is hanging out with women that you've had sex with? I think you should challenge your judgmental thoughts at every opportunity, and realize that you've found someone that you actually like, which is a gift, and make a decision to turn your thoughts away from her past. Also, other people's thoughts are none of your business - that is why we are not psychic. So I would also challenge those judgments about what others are thinking. __________________ BOUNDARIES...where you end and someone else begins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty." ~ Kevin Bacon on keeping marriage together.

03-12-2009, 01:13 PM	#6
mca1975 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: London Gender: Female Posts: 2,302	Why oh Why do men get like this? I can understand it to a point, but we all have a past. You said yourself that you have not been a saint.... Obviously you are not sure if you trust her yet, as you have only been together a short time, but time will tell. Don't make her feel bad about her past, its hers and she was quite entitled to do what she liked in fact. Sounds like she is quite into you aswell, don't ruin it. Plus the fact that she is ok with talking to these guys, happily, shows indifference towards them, which is good. If there were issues with getting along with them, then that would probably mean underlying feelings were still there. I know its hard when there are 3 men in the room who have been there, but when you have hung around with a large group of friends in the same area, its likely to happen. My boyfriend annoys me when he gets like this, because I have been in the room with two of his exes who he has slept with and it doesnt bother me, cause I know he loves me, but he gets all stupid if its the other way around. __________________ mca1975 x

03-12-2009, 11:47 PM	#7
TheSmilingTurnip Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2005 Age: 33 Posts: 2,042	I think you need to consider why you are so concerned about what other people think. You're treating this girl like an object, not a person; an object whose value has been lessened with usage. If you wish to keep the relationship, then you will need a new circle of friends to hang out with with her, which does not include people that either of you have slept with. If you wish to keep the friends, and you cannot stop worrying about other people's thoughts, that you don't even know they are having, since most people think only of themselves!, then you will eventually lose the girl. __________________ BOUNDARIES...where you end and someone else begins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty." ~ Kevin Bacon on keeping marriage together.

03-12-2009, 03:51 AM	#3
mr me Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 851	I agree with what was said. Its hard for you which ppl can understand but sometimes it comes to a double standard. As a guy you dont always feel so comfortable with a girl doing things that a guy usually does. I feel the same way because im not a very sexually active person so i dont think i could be with someone that was. Its more my choice so i think it would be weird for me but it seems like ppl like that get to a point where they change so that could be a dilemma. I also like that you were honest with yourself because you say your no saint. Its really just going to be something that you learn to deal with or you cant so no harm will really be done. Either choice you make your gonna have to deal with and also need to think that whatever it is the best will come out of it. Its one of those life changing type of moments i would say. So i cant say its easy either. Im trying to see what exactly would cause someone to think about what she did and have it make you feel the way it does. I can only come from some type of insecurities which is cliche but i really cant think of anything else. I think that maybe something else you can try to see what is really going on with yourself. I guess hopefully this works out for you.

03-12-2009, 11:11 AM	#5
TerminallyOdd Offline Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 2	In an effort to even the playing field I have told her all about my sexual past. In the past, she actually thought I was a terrible guy because I hooked up with her cousin, her cousin fell for me and I told her I didn't want a relationship, yet still got drunk and made out with her and stuff...which yeah, was a pretty crappy thing to do. Fortunately and for whatever reason, my past doesn't bother her as much as hers does for me. So admittedly, A LOT of this has to do with the ugly side of human nature - jealousy, pride and double standards. I don't care that she's had sex with guys before or even been in love before. She's had sex and relationships with dudes I don't know and I have no problem with the realization that girls, just like guys, will have sex. It's almost like they don't exist - out of sight, out of mind. I just hate the idea that se still know these other dudes, and we still see them. I don't wanna seem like a sucker or a chump. I suppose I've always been overly concerned with what people think of me, and I'm not proud or happy about it. I just feel like whatever progress I might make could all be nullified by a stupid comment or look. Maybe I need a shrink...

03-13-2009, 01:13 PM	#9
odile Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 962	I think you're being sexist! Seriously-- you are judging her far harder than you judge even yourself! And you knew all this stuff about her history before getting involved in the first place, so I'm having trouble understanding why it bothers you now. You haven't said anything negative about her behaviour in regard to you (i.e., the way she has been since you've been together). And from what you've said about her past (though we don't have details) it seems that at least she has been forthright in her dealings (no cheating or anything like that). If she had wanted to be involved with any of these guys from her past, I suspect that she probably would be. For the most part, it sounds to me like you need to re-think your judgmental attitude towards her past.