How do I develop "thicker skin"?

relm · 03-12-2009, 12:09 AM

I am in a line of work where I have to constantly deal with critiscm of my skills and though I am a sensitive person, it is hard to always hear negative feedback about my work. I know my work isn't bad but when you invest 100% of yourself and give it your all and people quickly dismiss it, it is hard not to take it personally. I want to have thicker skin. Can you please help with this? How can I do this? Please don't say to have more self-confidence because that is like my asking "how do I get a million dollars" and the response is "Well, to get a million bucks, you'll need a million dollars". thanks.

hear_her_roar · 03-12-2009, 12:29 AM

It's very hard not to let criticism affect you personally. What helps for many people is to reaffirm the things that you know you're good at, and the positive things you have accomplished at your work. Being confident in what you ARE good at can really help you deal with criticism.
As well, any time you find yourself feeling down about criticism, take a moment to distance yourself from the situation and remind yourself that it's only taking place on a professional level; it's not a personal attack. Try to focus on the positive side of criticism, which is that it helps both you and your business improve.

relm · 03-12-2009, 12:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hear_her_roar

It's very hard not to let criticism affect you personally. What helps for many people is to reaffirm the things that you know you're good at, and the positive things you have accomplished at your work. Being confident in what you ARE good at can really help you deal with criticism.
As well, any time you find yourself feeling down about criticism, take a moment to distance yourself from the situation and remind yourself that it's only taking place on a professional level; it's not a personal attack. Try to focus on the positive side of criticism, which is that it helps both you and your business improve.

Thank you for your helpful comment. My profession is my passion so it is hard for me to separate my job from myself. I am a musician so that is why my field is full of indifference or criticism. It is also the kind of thing where one devotes years of their life to gaining a skill that can be dismissed as untalented in minutes. It is easy to be shunned by collegues and friends after a failure in this field. Work is scarce and competitors can smell blood. Since the passion and career are one and the same, it is hard not to dismiss the value of one's self when it is not considered quality work. If you've given 100% to this and sacrificed everything (family, friends, self) and fail, then what can you do but destroy yourself, right? But I am convinced, it is a grey line between success and failure - quality isn't the difference, but thick skin seems to be. The ability to brush it off and ignore those who are indifferent - something I lack.

Sparchitecht · 03-12-2009, 01:57 AM

Self-talk is key. It is a broad concept that exists as a branch of cognitive psychology, just in case you venture to do some reading on it.

In brief, you MUST achieve a state in your mind where you automatically interpret negative feedback about your "performance/product/etc" as being a perception in only the mind of the critic, and as such, a problem that they are solely responsible for. This way the negative state of the criticism does not move beyond the person spouting it and does not affect your feeling about both your "performance/product/etc" and yourself. You can't look at everyone taking your work in as being "higher" than you/your work, and in essence, you can't let yourself feel that their feelings of about you/your work are an actual, valid grading of it. Once you get to that point where you don't feel that their opinions will "make or break" you and your work, you can go on keeping your head up by seeing displeasure in them to be a part of their character flaws, not your music.

As well, it goes without saying that you must separate your ego and self-esteem from the success/failure of what you do. I've always succeeded at this, similar to the above paragraph, by looking at those who bring me down and working to see them not as "above" me, but being just as "flawed" as me (because it's the truth, mostly). As soon as their displeasure burns you you're saying that their perception is "right, universally, without question and without being subject to the fallacies that all humans naturally are". The only being that could be right beyond question is what Christians refer to as "God" [and what atheists refer to as "bahahaha"], so to make another person this right is wrong. Seeking reassurance of your worth from others through your work is wrong. You need to alter your self-talk/self-image/esteem so that your own feeling of worth does not need to be constantly ratified by anyone outside of your own skin. This is not quick or easy, and it requires changes largely to the way you've learned to think over the course of your life. Don't expect not to have to do some reading and experiencing and then more reading etc to figure out all the parts of what I'm saying that you didn't quite "get".

isthisused · 03-15-2009, 09:42 PM

For me it does matter what people think of me at work, but it’s not very high on my list of priorities. First comes Gods opinion, then my wife, then my daughters and my parents and my friends and even mine. Being good at my work is important to me but not as important as being a good husband and father and making sure my family is warm and dry in a safe home with good food to eat and clothes to ware etc. etc.. So if some guy has to tell me he doesn’t like how I did something and I had a lot invested in it well then I would determine within myself that he has bad taste. But if it is pleasing him that gets my checks signed so that I can take care of my family, then I will learn to produce things that will please his bad taste. And my self esteem will be fine.

03-12-2009, 12:09 AM	#1
relm Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: CA, USA Gender: Male Posts: 174	How do I develop "thicker skin"? I am in a line of work where I have to constantly deal with critiscm of my skills and though I am a sensitive person, it is hard to always hear negative feedback about my work. I know my work isn't bad but when you invest 100% of yourself and give it your all and people quickly dismiss it, it is hard not to take it personally. I want to have thicker skin. Can you please help with this? How can I do this? Please don't say to have more self-confidence because that is like my asking "how do I get a million dollars" and the response is "Well, to get a million bucks, you'll need a million dollars". thanks.

03-12-2009, 12:29 AM	#2
hear_her_roar Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Canada. Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 214	It's very hard not to let criticism affect you personally. What helps for many people is to reaffirm the things that you know you're good at, and the positive things you have accomplished at your work. Being confident in what you ARE good at can really help you deal with criticism. As well, any time you find yourself feeling down about criticism, take a moment to distance yourself from the situation and remind yourself that it's only taking place on a professional level; it's not a personal attack. Try to focus on the positive side of criticism, which is that it helps both you and your business improve. __________________ "I believe that music is a force in itself. It is there and it needs an outlet, a medium. In a way, we are that medium." -Maynard James Keenan.

03-12-2009, 01:57 AM	#4
Sparchitecht Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Regina, Canada Gender: Male Age: 23 Posts: 379	Self-talk is key. It is a broad concept that exists as a branch of cognitive psychology, just in case you venture to do some reading on it. In brief, you MUST achieve a state in your mind where you automatically interpret negative feedback about your "performance/product/etc" as being a perception in only the mind of the critic, and as such, a problem that they are solely responsible for. This way the negative state of the criticism does not move beyond the person spouting it and does not affect your feeling about both your "performance/product/etc" and yourself. You can't look at everyone taking your work in as being "higher" than you/your work, and in essence, you can't let yourself feel that their feelings of about you/your work are an actual, valid grading of it. Once you get to that point where you don't feel that their opinions will "make or break" you and your work, you can go on keeping your head up by seeing displeasure in them to be a part of their character flaws, not your music. As well, it goes without saying that you must separate your ego and self-esteem from the success/failure of what you do. I've always succeeded at this, similar to the above paragraph, by looking at those who bring me down and working to see them not as "above" me, but being just as "flawed" as me (because it's the truth, mostly). As soon as their displeasure burns you you're saying that their perception is "right, universally, without question and without being subject to the fallacies that all humans naturally are". The only being that could be right beyond question is what Christians refer to as "God" [and what atheists refer to as "bahahaha"], so to make another person this right is wrong. Seeking reassurance of your worth from others through your work is wrong. You need to alter your self-talk/self-image/esteem so that your own feeling of worth does not need to be constantly ratified by anyone outside of your own skin. This is not quick or easy, and it requires changes largely to the way you've learned to think over the course of your life. Don't expect not to have to do some reading and experiencing and then more reading etc to figure out all the parts of what I'm saying that you didn't quite "get".

03-15-2009, 09:42 PM	#5
isthisused Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 131	For me it does matter what people think of me at work, but it’s not very high on my list of priorities. First comes Gods opinion, then my wife, then my daughters and my parents and my friends and even mine. Being good at my work is important to me but not as important as being a good husband and father and making sure my family is warm and dry in a safe home with good food to eat and clothes to ware etc. etc.. So if some guy has to tell me he doesn’t like how I did something and I had a lot invested in it well then I would determine within myself that he has bad taste. But if it is pleasing him that gets my checks signed so that I can take care of my family, then I will learn to produce things that will please his bad taste. And my self esteem will be fine.