His low libido: due to stress or simply gay?

Cyan79 · 03-10-2009, 03:58 AM

Post cleared for personal reasons – thank you to those who took the time to read it and reply

chiefoptimizer · 03-10-2009, 04:39 AM

Clothes, voice, etc is just stereotypes, I'm gay, and nobody believes me the first time i tell them.

stress, anxiety and tiredness definitely leads to low libido for me, so maybe you could focus on making him feel relaxed? say, avoid dating him after a long day's work, but after he has had a night's sleep, etc...

when you say libido, you seem to mean physical touching, not sexual contact, right?

give him time

and help him - look into his eyes and say "I want you to hold me" in a very sexy voice or something...

jul-els · 03-10-2009, 04:59 AM

14 hour days 6 days a week for low pay can sap just about anyone's zest for life. Especially if he's been at it for a long time. Also, some people just genuinely have a low sex drive. He may be one of those kinds of people. Doesn't automatically mean there's a problem. I don't think he's gay or he wouldn't be dating you. If you really do care about the guy then just be his friend and give him some support. It sounds like thats what he really needs. If there are some extra benefits, great. But if you want him to meet your physical needs it doesn't sound like he's going to be the guy for you.

Cyan79 · 03-10-2009, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chiefoptimizer

...look into his eyes and say "I want you to hold me" in a very sexy voice or something...

LOL! Maybe... in the far future... i have a feeling doing that now would make him cringe.

Thank you all for the encouraging replies.

I have had few relationships in my life, some good, but ALL ending with dishonesty. This in mind I am more than happy to be with someone bursting with integrity… low sex drive? No, not a problem. after 10 tiring years of pointless relationships I need honest emotional availability and comfort.

In the meantime, I’m giving him all the space possible: I’ve already made a point that we do not have to meet every night as I want him to rest. I avoid calling or texting too often so as not to smother him, and now I’m even keeping hands and lips to myself, allowing HIM the chance to ask for it… if ever

I want to give him time, and certainly won’t bring up this issue anytime soon.

I would like to point out that my worry doesn’t come from the lack of physical contact (Yes, that’s what I meant by ‘libido’, I was looking for a word) but simply fear of ‘why’ he doesn’t want it and that he is with me for reasons other than genuine interest. I won’t deny that this fear is a direct result of being witness to one too many gay friends who have settled with marriage/dating a girl in an effort to hide who they were. Many of those relationships ended with a lot of pain and abuse to everyone involved. To be exact, four of my close friends hid the fact that they were married for a long time before they would actually tell me. One friend picked up a girl infront of my at a nihtclub, lead her on and all because that night his sister was present. Another friend is dating a girl, she is over the moon for him, and it hurts whenever I'm around, she looks happy, he's there and I have to pretend that I hae no clue that it's all a game.

Not all my friends have done this: many of them continue to lead a proud single life rather than to pretend to be straight and those are the friends I chose to keep… but the others have certainly inserted a degree of wariness and caution in me.

Considering that I think of my friend as possibly the most honest man on earth, I feel guilty for being untrusting. But at least I can discuss it online (I won’t take it to friends out of respect for him), none of you would be able to give me an actual answer, but at least discussing it gives me some form or release and comfort, so thank you for your posts

Cyan79 · 03-10-2009, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ForsakenLove

how would you feel about talking to him about it openly?

I haven’t talked to him about it… I WILL if this continues for too long, but in truth I feel it’s too soon, and would rather give him more time and space. Someone else suggested that maybe he is finding it hard to be in an intimate relationship with me because he has been my friend for a decade.

I think that too is a good point.

**BellaDonna** · 03-10-2009, 09:49 AM

In the decade that you've known him- has he dated women?

BeStrongBeHappy · 03-10-2009, 09:54 AM

He may just be exhausted from too much working. And is there any chance that he is taking anti-depressents? Depending on the kind, they can destroy libido.

You need to talk to hiim about this, ask him why, and talk to him about solutions... he may need a doctor's visit, or to talk about getting a different job that doesn't drain him to the point he doesn't even want sex.

But it is reasonable for you to want/expect a solution to this, and if he won't even work on it, it doesn't matter what his excuse is, you need a boyfriend with whom you have a sex life.

lukeb · 03-10-2009, 10:43 AM

You've known this guy for a decade, its possible he just doesnt see himself being physical with you.

Cyan79 · 03-10-2009, 07:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lukeb

You've known this guy for a decade, its possible he just doesnt see himself being physical with you.

YIKES… it didn’t even occur to me that he possibly isn’t into me… not with the way he’s acting and all (making himself quite available despite the stress)… but yes, that is definitely a possibility.

I hope it isn’t the cause though, and that maybe he simply needs time. As of now, I know that all I can do is give time and space until he is relaxed enough for this relationship (if ever).

Worst case scenario? If we simply are not compatible as a couple, we can go back to being best friends. Not too shabby for an ending.

So once again, thanks a bunch, guys, for your time and feedback

03-10-2009, 03:58 AM	#1
Cyan79 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 4	Thanks. Post cleared for personal reasons – thank you to those who took the time to read it and reply Last edited by Cyan79; 03-10-2009 at 06:30 PM.

03-10-2009, 04:39 AM	#2
chiefoptimizer Online Silver Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Exeter Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 488	Clothes, voice, etc is just stereotypes, I'm gay, and nobody believes me the first time i tell them. stress, anxiety and tiredness definitely leads to low libido for me, so maybe you could focus on making him feel relaxed? say, avoid dating him after a long day's work, but after he has had a night's sleep, etc... when you say libido, you seem to mean physical touching, not sexual contact, right? give him time and help him - look into his eyes and say "I want you to hold me" in a very sexy voice or something... __________________ There is no fate but what we make!

03-10-2009, 04:59 AM	#3
jul-els Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: yellow matter custard Gender: Male Posts: 2,118	14 hour days 6 days a week for low pay can sap just about anyone's zest for life. Especially if he's been at it for a long time. Also, some people just genuinely have a low sex drive. He may be one of those kinds of people. Doesn't automatically mean there's a problem. I don't think he's gay or he wouldn't be dating you. If you really do care about the guy then just be his friend and give him some support. It sounds like thats what he really needs. If there are some extra benefits, great. But if you want him to meet your physical needs it doesn't sound like he's going to be the guy for you. __________________ "Information is not Knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; Wisdom is not Truth; Truth is not Beauty; Beauty is not Love; Love is not Music; Music is the best." - Frank Zappa http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgFL__1rrB4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7T4lg8VAjMI&feature=related

03-10-2009, 09:49 AM	#6
BellaDonna Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: U.S. Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 6,583	In the decade that you've known him- has he dated women? __________________ "Well behaved women rarely make history." "Friendship should be a refuge, not an ordeal." Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone:http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php

03-10-2009, 09:54 AM	#7
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,415	He may just be exhausted from too much working. And is there any chance that he is taking anti-depressents? Depending on the kind, they can destroy libido. You need to talk to hiim about this, ask him why, and talk to him about solutions... he may need a doctor's visit, or to talk about getting a different job that doesn't drain him to the point he doesn't even want sex. But it is reasonable for you to want/expect a solution to this, and if he won't even work on it, it doesn't matter what his excuse is, you need a boyfriend with whom you have a sex life.

03-10-2009, 10:43 AM	#8
lukeb Offline Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Alberta, Canada Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 703	You've known this guy for a decade, its possible he just doesnt see himself being physical with you.