Epiphany: boyfriend is a classic narcissist. Just a vent.

youarefree · 03-02-2009, 10:30 AM

When I think about him within the confines of the definition of a narcissist, EVERYTHING makes sense. This is just a vent, but I would love if anyone has been through something similar or has any advice.

It explains why he is so obsessed with his "work" (he is in college, studying to be a designer). Why he can't handle criticism and is resentful and hateful of anyone who critiques him. Why he completely withdraws himself whenever something doesn't go his way. When I try to ask him what's wrong, he will often accuse me of trying to make his bad day worse by not giving him his space. His "bad days" are WAY touchier than most peoples' "bad days" and he allows them to completely destroy him.

It explains why he's under this crazy impression that somebody is going to just hand him a job after college and he's going to make millions of dollars. I often hope, for his sake, that he has a harsh reality check when he graduates just so he realizes how important teamwork and interpersonal skills are.

It explains his preoccupation with money, though he has none. He often tells me I'm only dating him because he's rich, but he's by far the cheapest person I have ever dated. He talks about sports cars and lavish living conditions like they are inevitable in his future. (For the record, his dad has a lot of money and he has always "lived easy," but has never been overly spoiled.)

It explains why, when we get in an argument, he tells me he "doesn't care" and has more important things to do than deal with my drama (even though our fights are usually over legitimate concerns).

It explains why he's obsessed with making fun of "hillbillies," people who are "trashy," even poor people. He often gets angry when he has to associate with people who he thinks are below him in intelligence or status.

It explains why he feels entitled to everything -- most importantly, to me. To him, he has done the work required to keep me in a relationship with him and thinks a relationship doesn't require constant maintenance and compromise. When a mutual friend of ours asked him what his idea of a perfect woman was, he apparently told her "one with a strong work ethic who leaves me alone and lets me do my work too." Ironically, his work ethic is a joke -- he always claims to be "too busy" or too important, but he sleeps until noon every day and gets drunk at least 4 days a week.

It explains why I often feel like he loves me like a puppy and not as an equal. A lot of the time I feel like I am something cute and cuddly that he can show off to his friends and play with.

So why am I still with him? It's been two and a half years now. There are obviously a number of things I adore about him, and when things between us are good, they're very good and we get along really well. But when things are bad (like at this moment) they're so bad that they make me absolutely crazy with rage. Sometimes I think the reason I can't walk away from him is because he is very firm when he tells me that I'm just "crazy" and he needs to be in a "mature relationship" and he makes me feel so guilty for feeling my feelings.

Has anyone ever dated a narcissist? I need help

Casey13 · 03-02-2009, 10:43 AM

This does not constitute a diagnosis for narcissist personality but definately he is not tolerating you right. For your information people with narcissistic personality disorder are so ill that they dont appear normal in anyone's opinion, all he appears to be here is a bad boyfriend and a good one when he wants to be. Have you gotten a medical diagnosis for him from a professional? If not, I would hold off on using this terminology to describe him. You need to make firm in his head that you are not happy and instigate change by threatning to leave if he is not willing to change. Some people need to feel threatened to change and if knows that you will always be by his side no matter how he behaves he will have no motive to improve. Tell him how you feel, tell him youre not happy and give him time to improve. If you see no improvement in a month or two then leave, if he tries to win you back and fix things then you know he is worth it and if he doesnt move onto someone who will treat you like an equal

EQD · 03-02-2009, 10:43 AM

i've never dated a narcissist that i know of *knock on wood* but i did crush on one for several years.
And he was actually diagnosed as such by a professional, so it wasnt a self diagnosis at all.

Be careful when slapping a label on anyone, everyone exhibits many of the traits that make up a narcissist. you, me, everyone.
Its to the degree and consistancy that makes the diagnosis of--or just falls into the 'normal' category.

Narcissists for one, will not care about you, or anyone else besides themselves. Their needs come fist and they never accept second best. Narcissists are extremely likely to cheat because they feel that their needs are higher and deserve to be fulfilled. They are very quick tempered.
Narcissists never make for good SO's. And recovery rates with therapy is extremely low.

Its a learned personality disorder from childhood. Not easily rectified.

youarefree · 03-02-2009, 10:49 AM

What I know about narcissists is that they often scoff at the idea of psychological help because they don't think they need it at all. For this reason, they rarely ever seek or accept help.

I am not a doctor, and I would never call him up and say "You exhibit all of the traits of a narcissist," but he fits the mold precisely.

Also...he IS noticeably "ill." Every single one of my/our friends recognizes that the only person he cares about is himself. Except me, apparently.

EQD · 03-02-2009, 10:53 AM

well. if he is a true narcissist then his 'caring' for you will actually turn up to be a sham.

its not unheard of for narcissists to end up getting married, but as for what kind of mate they make its a quite poor one and like i said they are very very likely to cheat on you.

the guy i know that was a narcissist got into trouble with domestic assualt charges and i believe the psychiatrist/psycologist was court appointed.

so either way, you better hope your diagnosis is wrong. because if it isnt you are in for a world of hurt.

anggrace · 03-02-2009, 11:08 AM

Okay. This really isn't about whether he would or wouldn't be diagnosed as a "narcissist". Everything you described about him paints an ugly picture. He sounds very selfish and close minded. The more he belittles you and the more you buy in to it, the harder it's going to be to leave him. He might be great on paper or when he's in a good mood, but you will always have disagreements and hard times. Is this the man who you feel will be a good partner in working through these things/hard times with you???

EQD · 03-02-2009, 11:10 AM

i agree with the above as well. even if he isnt a narcissist, he's a crappy bf.

jettison · 03-02-2009, 11:51 AM

Search narcissist on these forums, and you'll find all kinds of women who believe their boyfriends or ex-boyfriends are narcissists. Most of them, however, are anything but. The majority are simply just selfish, arrogant, overly self-indulgent. And of course, people like this usually make for poor partners. However, they do have an important quality that most women adore, and that's that they rarely have a problem asking for and demanding what they want.

If you have a jerk of a partner then your best bet is to dump him and move on. You already know he's a jerk, so by just making a post that says "my boyfriend is a jerk" you really aren't asking for help. No one here can help that. We're just sounding board material at this point. So if you want things to be better then you know what to do... dump him.

Or, you will decide that you actually like to be upset, and put out, and disrespected, and you need someone in your life that you can be upset with and complain about. A lot of people aren't comfortable with a partner who doesn't allow them to vent and be upset with them. This boyfriend certainly provides that service for you if that's what you're into.

mca1975 · 03-02-2009, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by youarefree

It explains why he feels entitled to everything -- most importantly, to me.(

Yep I've dated a narcissist through and through, not all of the things you have said here personify one (for me anyway), especially the part about him not being bothered to deal with any drama you guys may have. I believe a narcissist will pay a very high level of attention to any problems and will manipulate to resolve them to his benefit. If he appears not bothered, it will just be another manipulation to make you stay in the relationship, to dwindle down your confidence.

My narcissistic ex used to finish our relationship quite a few times, which really upset me, just to see me almost beg for him to take me back, tears the lot. Once he had received the right level of 'proof' that I wanted to be with him, he would then just sit back and relax and tell me that he had just tricked me. An awful thing to do to someone.

By the way, your above comment in quotes is definitely the way I see a narcissist, they are owed something from everyone and the world owes them! (grrr...)

You should read Siegmund Freud's papers on Narcissistic Personalities, its very interesting. I think, if I remember rightly, that he claimed there to be a link with the child wanting the mother's attention and being jealous of any attention given to the father, plus links with how the child was potty-trained in the early years! AMAZING...

mca1975 · 03-02-2009, 12:05 PM

[QUOTE=EQUESTRIANDYNAMO;3189239]the guy i know that was a narcissist got into trouble with domestic assualt charges and i believe the psychiatrist/psycologist was court appointed.[QUOTE]

Yes, also with me, the narcissistic ex had convictions/police warnings of stalking and harrassment and had also suffered a significant trauma in his teenage years, causing him to have "black-outs". His mother also abandoned him at a very young age, leaving him to live alone and now only visited him to "spoil" him for days at a time. Again, as Siegmund Freud pointed out, strong links to the mother/abandonment.

03-02-2009, 10:30 AM	#1
youarefree Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 5	Epiphany: boyfriend is a classic narcissist. Just a vent. When I think about him within the confines of the definition of a narcissist, EVERYTHING makes sense. This is just a vent, but I would love if anyone has been through something similar or has any advice. It explains why he is so obsessed with his "work" (he is in college, studying to be a designer). Why he can't handle criticism and is resentful and hateful of anyone who critiques him. Why he completely withdraws himself whenever something doesn't go his way. When I try to ask him what's wrong, he will often accuse me of trying to make his bad day worse by not giving him his space. His "bad days" are WAY touchier than most peoples' "bad days" and he allows them to completely destroy him. It explains why he's under this crazy impression that somebody is going to just hand him a job after college and he's going to make millions of dollars. I often hope, for his sake, that he has a harsh reality check when he graduates just so he realizes how important teamwork and interpersonal skills are. It explains his preoccupation with money, though he has none. He often tells me I'm only dating him because he's rich, but he's by far the cheapest person I have ever dated. He talks about sports cars and lavish living conditions like they are inevitable in his future. (For the record, his dad has a lot of money and he has always "lived easy," but has never been overly spoiled.) It explains why, when we get in an argument, he tells me he "doesn't care" and has more important things to do than deal with my drama (even though our fights are usually over legitimate concerns). It explains why he's obsessed with making fun of "hillbillies," people who are "trashy," even poor people. He often gets angry when he has to associate with people who he thinks are below him in intelligence or status. It explains why he feels entitled to everything -- most importantly, to me. To him, he has done the work required to keep me in a relationship with him and thinks a relationship doesn't require constant maintenance and compromise. When a mutual friend of ours asked him what his idea of a perfect woman was, he apparently told her "one with a strong work ethic who leaves me alone and lets me do my work too." Ironically, his work ethic is a joke -- he always claims to be "too busy" or too important, but he sleeps until noon every day and gets drunk at least 4 days a week. It explains why I often feel like he loves me like a puppy and not as an equal. A lot of the time I feel like I am something cute and cuddly that he can show off to his friends and play with. So why am I still with him? It's been two and a half years now. There are obviously a number of things I adore about him, and when things between us are good, they're very good and we get along really well. But when things are bad (like at this moment) they're so bad that they make me absolutely crazy with rage. Sometimes I think the reason I can't walk away from him is because he is very firm when he tells me that I'm just "crazy" and he needs to be in a "mature relationship" and he makes me feel so guilty for feeling my feelings. Has anyone ever dated a narcissist? I need help

03-02-2009, 10:43 AM	#3
EQD Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 5,972	i've never dated a narcissist that i know of knock on wood but i did crush on one for several years. And he was actually diagnosed as such by a professional, so it wasnt a self diagnosis at all. Be careful when slapping a label on anyone, everyone exhibits many of the traits that make up a narcissist. you, me, everyone. Its to the degree and consistancy that makes the diagnosis of--or just falls into the 'normal' category. Narcissists for one, will not care about you, or anyone else besides themselves. Their needs come fist and they never accept second best. Narcissists are extremely likely to cheat because they feel that their needs are higher and deserve to be fulfilled. They are very quick tempered. Narcissists never make for good SO's. And recovery rates with therapy is extremely low. Its a learned personality disorder from childhood. Not easily rectified. __________________ http://sumitsays.com/2009/05/29/in-your-headlights/

03-02-2009, 10:53 AM	#5
EQD Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 5,972	well. if he is a true narcissist then his 'caring' for you will actually turn up to be a sham. its not unheard of for narcissists to end up getting married, but as for what kind of mate they make its a quite poor one and like i said they are very very likely to cheat on you. the guy i know that was a narcissist got into trouble with domestic assualt charges and i believe the psychiatrist/psycologist was court appointed. so either way, you better hope your diagnosis is wrong. because if it isnt you are in for a world of hurt. __________________ http://sumitsays.com/2009/05/29/in-your-headlights/

03-02-2009, 11:10 AM	#7
EQD Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 5,972	i agree with the above as well. even if he isnt a narcissist, he's a crappy bf. __________________ http://sumitsays.com/2009/05/29/in-your-headlights/

03-02-2009, 11:51 AM	#8
jettison Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: West Bay Posts: 4,964	Search narcissist on these forums, and you'll find all kinds of women who believe their boyfriends or ex-boyfriends are narcissists. Most of them, however, are anything but. The majority are simply just selfish, arrogant, overly self-indulgent. And of course, people like this usually make for poor partners. However, they do have an important quality that most women adore, and that's that they rarely have a problem asking for and demanding what they want. If you have a jerk of a partner then your best bet is to dump him and move on. You already know he's a jerk, so by just making a post that says "my boyfriend is a jerk" you really aren't asking for help. No one here can help that. We're just sounding board material at this point. So if you want things to be better then you know what to do... dump him. Or, you will decide that you actually like to be upset, and put out, and disrespected, and you need someone in your life that you can be upset with and complain about. A lot of people aren't comfortable with a partner who doesn't allow them to vent and be upset with them. This boyfriend certainly provides that service for you if that's what you're into. __________________ A unique opportunity... If you were at the deathbed of a woman you secretly loved all your life but whom you never had the courage to tell and then she tells you that she secretly loved you all these years, what a great opportunity that would be to practice your "poker face." "I wish someone knew me. I’d pick them apart and find out who I am." - Equestrian Dynamo

03-02-2009, 10:43 AM	#2
Casey13 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Somewhere beautiful Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 846	This does not constitute a diagnosis for narcissist personality but definately he is not tolerating you right. For your information people with narcissistic personality disorder are so ill that they dont appear normal in anyone's opinion, all he appears to be here is a bad boyfriend and a good one when he wants to be. Have you gotten a medical diagnosis for him from a professional? If not, I would hold off on using this terminology to describe him. You need to make firm in his head that you are not happy and instigate change by threatning to leave if he is not willing to change. Some people need to feel threatened to change and if knows that you will always be by his side no matter how he behaves he will have no motive to improve. Tell him how you feel, tell him youre not happy and give him time to improve. If you see no improvement in a month or two then leave, if he tries to win you back and fix things then you know he is worth it and if he doesnt move onto someone who will treat you like an equal

03-02-2009, 10:49 AM	#4
youarefree Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 5	What I know about narcissists is that they often scoff at the idea of psychological help because they don't think they need it at all. For this reason, they rarely ever seek or accept help. I am not a doctor, and I would never call him up and say "You exhibit all of the traits of a narcissist," but he fits the mold precisely. Also...he IS noticeably "ill." Every single one of my/our friends recognizes that the only person he cares about is himself. Except me, apparently.

03-02-2009, 11:08 AM	#6
anggrace Online Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Gender: Female Age: 32 Posts: 1,880	Okay. This really isn't about whether he would or wouldn't be diagnosed as a "narcissist". Everything you described about him paints an ugly picture. He sounds very selfish and close minded. The more he belittles you and the more you buy in to it, the harder it's going to be to leave him. He might be great on paper or when he's in a good mood, but you will always have disagreements and hard times. Is this the man who you feel will be a good partner in working through these things/hard times with you???

03-02-2009, 12:05 PM	#10
mca1975 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: London Gender: Female Posts: 2,302	[QUOTE=EQUESTRIANDYNAMO;3189239]the guy i know that was a narcissist got into trouble with domestic assualt charges and i believe the psychiatrist/psycologist was court appointed.[QUOTE] Yes, also with me, the narcissistic ex had convictions/police warnings of stalking and harrassment and had also suffered a significant trauma in his teenage years, causing him to have "black-outs". His mother also abandoned him at a very young age, leaving him to live alone and now only visited him to "spoil" him for days at a time. Again, as Siegmund Freud pointed out, strong links to the mother/abandonment. __________________ mca1975 x