Doubting Physical Attractiveness: Feeling Unpretty

sbux_addict · 02-27-2009, 11:48 AM

Hi everyone,

First off, I just want to put it out there that I'm not in any way trying to toot my own horn, nor is this a narcissistic post.

Just something I've been thinking about and I want to be comfortable with.

Last night, I attended a benefit dinner and there was this random old man in attendance who just came up to me and told me, "Honey, you are so beautiful."

Now, this is not the first time this has happened. I've had random people come up to me and tell me, "I think you look beautiful. I just wanted to tell you that." or "You look really cute." I respond with "Thank you, I'm flattered." but deep inside me, I think that they're just saying that or they don't really mean it. Or when random people look at me, I always check the mirror to see if I have something on my face. I always think to myself, "What the heck are they looking at?" or in the case of people complementing me, I always think, "What do they see in me? I don't look THAT pretty."

The thing is, growing up, I was an ugly kid. I mean, at least I felt really ugly. In high school I had A TON of acne. I still have a little bit of acne, but my face has probably cleared up by 90%. I never felt really pretty or attractive until I started plucking my eyebrows and putting on a little make-up. I've always felt unpretty.

The thing is, my boyfriend keeps telling me I look beautiful or I'm so cute or I'm so pretty, but I feel uncomfortable being called that. Obviously, we've slept together and I had to take my make-up off. Then he goes, "Oh wait, I've never seen you without make-up on...let me look" and then he did, and he told me, "You look beautiful, babe. Without make-up. I like it better...wait, let me take that back...you look good with make-up, I like that, but I like you without make-up too. And then I felt so beautiful, because underneath it all, he still thinks I'm beautiful. But at the same time, I doubt it and I feel like he's just saying that.

I don't know if I can take the ugly girl inside me...has anyone felt this way?

HealingHandsWarmHeart · 02-27-2009, 11:55 AM

yes i have ... - i still do.

my fiance can tell me i'm beautiful all the time... but i don't feel like i am ..when i see my reflection- i dont see the beauty .. all i see if flaw after flaw..

lostandhurt · 02-27-2009, 11:59 AM

Some of the most attractive people in the whole world think they are not all that. Then you have these people on TV shows that think they are and for the life of me I don't know what mirror they are looking in!

There is pretty (outside) good person (inside) and then there is beautiful (both combined) I bet your bf thinks he isn't all that handsome but you think he is gorgeous. We all do it. Make up or not when a man loves a women he sees only beauty when he looks at her........

lost

Scorpion Fury · 02-27-2009, 12:05 PM

Confidence is beautiful. Just take their compliments and say thank you. Of course they think you're beautiful. You're his girlfriend. He's with you. Why would he be just saying that? When people compliment me I smile and say thanks. That's all. after calling someone beautiful, no one wants to hear "Thanks, but I feel ugly today."

EQD · 02-27-2009, 12:09 PM

you have low self-esteem.
ask yourself what would happen if you actually decided to think 'they are telling the truth' instead of doubting it.
my psycologist called it the 'critic'
in a few sessions i was able to kick the critics butt out of my mind and now i am able to absorb and accept compliments instead of saying 'they are just saying that to make me feel better' or 'they dont mean that'

FarthestEdge · 02-27-2009, 12:12 PM

With you 100%

I was at a Hallowe'en party recently and the place was filled with women with hot bodies in sexy costumes. I am at the high end of normal sizes, sometimes plus size to give you an idea (I need to lose about 50 lbs), This blonde twiggy type came up to me and said "I remember you- you're the classic beauty" The last time I saw her, she went on this thing about how I was a "classic" beauty, "Like the ancient sculptures you see from Italy or Greece". She started pulling others aside to ask their agreement. It was surreal....To be honest, I think she was just a really nice girl who took pity on me, recognizing that I didn't look "hot" like the rest of them and wanted to make me feel less "different". But it was a total backfire. I was embarassed by the whole scene. All I could say was "well, I DO have a Roman nose, I'll give you that...."

I have always been the plain one. My sister was the beauty, I was the brains. But you know what? I'm actually ok with that. Sure, I'd love to be the hotty, but I have friends who are, and personally, it's always a lot less complicated when you know people are interested in you because of who you are, not just because you are "hot"

But most importantly. I have learned that I like WHO I am, what my values are and what I contribute to the lives of others. So I accept my average looks, I am grateful that I have not had to deal with disfigurement, and just try to be the best "me" I can be. Plus there's the added benefit of not having to worry about keeping my "beauty" as I age...Can't keep what you never had....

DH tells me I am beautiful, and I never believe him fully. However, I think he is looking at the WHOLE me, not just my face and my butt- he sees a beautiful person...and that's more flattering and real to me. Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder, and your boyfriend finds you beautiful- accept it- I am sure it is true to him at least....

But yeah- I never believe it and I find it wierd when others compliment my looks. But hey- at a minimum it means they like be enought to try to find something nice to say...

mca1975 · 02-27-2009, 12:18 PM

Erm... just believe them. Why would strangers come up to tell you if you weren't. Just accept it.

bmwm3 · 02-27-2009, 12:24 PM

confidenence is sexy and attractive...

BeStrongBeHappy · 02-27-2009, 12:24 PM

So what? Either way, whether you're pretty or not pretty, you shouldn't define your self worth by what others think of you. And pretty is in the eye of the beholder, so you will be pretty to some and not others.

Given that you will spend more than half your life as an older person where looks are fading and you won't get any attention at all based on looks, i wouldn't dwell on this kind of thing too much... work instead on learning to develop other parts of yourself and character rather than worrying about/focusing on looks and whether you may or may not have them.

FarthestEdge · 02-27-2009, 12:25 PM

"Erm... just believe them. Why would strangers come up to tell you if you weren't. Just accept it. "

Well- because some strangers in this world are still nice people who believe in finding something nice to say to someone who looks uncomfortable in their own skin....

I can appreciate their efforts without believing it...

Personally, I find it inspiring that such people continue to exist.....

Besides, "pretty" is only one way to measure a person, and IMO in NO way is it the most important. The real truth is we cannot all be supermodels. I'm ok with being plain- it is what it is...I have other strengths.....

I'm more of a "Dove-Campaign for real beauty" beauty, I guess.......

02-27-2009, 11:48 AM	#1
sbux_addict Offline Silver Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 336	Doubting Physical Attractiveness: Feeling Unpretty Hi everyone, First off, I just want to put it out there that I'm not in any way trying to toot my own horn, nor is this a narcissistic post. Just something I've been thinking about and I want to be comfortable with. Last night, I attended a benefit dinner and there was this random old man in attendance who just came up to me and told me, "Honey, you are so beautiful." Now, this is not the first time this has happened. I've had random people come up to me and tell me, "I think you look beautiful. I just wanted to tell you that." or "You look really cute." I respond with "Thank you, I'm flattered." but deep inside me, I think that they're just saying that or they don't really mean it. Or when random people look at me, I always check the mirror to see if I have something on my face. I always think to myself, "What the heck are they looking at?" or in the case of people complementing me, I always think, "What do they see in me? I don't look THAT pretty." The thing is, growing up, I was an ugly kid. I mean, at least I felt really ugly. In high school I had A TON of acne. I still have a little bit of acne, but my face has probably cleared up by 90%. I never felt really pretty or attractive until I started plucking my eyebrows and putting on a little make-up. I've always felt unpretty. The thing is, my boyfriend keeps telling me I look beautiful or I'm so cute or I'm so pretty, but I feel uncomfortable being called that. Obviously, we've slept together and I had to take my make-up off. Then he goes, "Oh wait, I've never seen you without make-up on...let me look" and then he did, and he told me, "You look beautiful, babe. Without make-up. I like it better...wait, let me take that back...you look good with make-up, I like that, but I like you without make-up too. And then I felt so beautiful, because underneath it all, he still thinks I'm beautiful. But at the same time, I doubt it and I feel like he's just saying that. I don't know if I can take the ugly girl inside me...has anyone felt this way?

02-27-2009, 11:55 AM	#2
HealingHandsWarmHeart Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: New Jersey Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 2,601	yes i have ... - i still do. my fiance can tell me i'm beautiful all the time... but i don't feel like i am ..when i see my reflection- i dont see the beauty .. all i see if flaw after flaw.. __________________ “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ~ Ghandi

02-27-2009, 11:59 AM	#3
lostandhurt Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: California Gender: Male Age: 45 Posts: 2,150	Some of the most attractive people in the whole world think they are not all that. Then you have these people on TV shows that think they are and for the life of me I don't know what mirror they are looking in! There is pretty (outside) good person (inside) and then there is beautiful (both combined) I bet your bf thinks he isn't all that handsome but you think he is gorgeous. We all do it. Make up or not when a man loves a women he sees only beauty when he looks at her........ lost __________________ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace and happiness; Trusting that I may be reasonably happy in this life and forever.

02-27-2009, 12:05 PM	#4
Scorpion Fury Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: The states Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 4,525	Confidence is beautiful. Just take their compliments and say thank you. Of course they think you're beautiful. You're his girlfriend. He's with you. Why would he be just saying that? When people compliment me I smile and say thanks. That's all. after calling someone beautiful, no one wants to hear "Thanks, but I feel ugly today." __________________ Your attitude determines your altitude.

02-27-2009, 12:09 PM	#5
EQD Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 5,972	you have low self-esteem. ask yourself what would happen if you actually decided to think 'they are telling the truth' instead of doubting it. my psycologist called it the 'critic' in a few sessions i was able to kick the critics butt out of my mind and now i am able to absorb and accept compliments instead of saying 'they are just saying that to make me feel better' or 'they dont mean that' __________________ http://sumitsays.com/2009/05/29/in-your-headlights/

02-27-2009, 12:12 PM	#6
FarthestEdge Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 835	With you 100% I was at a Hallowe'en party recently and the place was filled with women with hot bodies in sexy costumes. I am at the high end of normal sizes, sometimes plus size to give you an idea (I need to lose about 50 lbs), This blonde twiggy type came up to me and said "I remember you- you're the classic beauty" The last time I saw her, she went on this thing about how I was a "classic" beauty, "Like the ancient sculptures you see from Italy or Greece". She started pulling others aside to ask their agreement. It was surreal....To be honest, I think she was just a really nice girl who took pity on me, recognizing that I didn't look "hot" like the rest of them and wanted to make me feel less "different". But it was a total backfire. I was embarassed by the whole scene. All I could say was "well, I DO have a Roman nose, I'll give you that...." I have always been the plain one. My sister was the beauty, I was the brains. But you know what? I'm actually ok with that. Sure, I'd love to be the hotty, but I have friends who are, and personally, it's always a lot less complicated when you know people are interested in you because of who you are, not just because you are "hot" But most importantly. I have learned that I like WHO I am, what my values are and what I contribute to the lives of others. So I accept my average looks, I am grateful that I have not had to deal with disfigurement, and just try to be the best "me" I can be. Plus there's the added benefit of not having to worry about keeping my "beauty" as I age...Can't keep what you never had.... DH tells me I am beautiful, and I never believe him fully. However, I think he is looking at the WHOLE me, not just my face and my butt- he sees a beautiful person...and that's more flattering and real to me. Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder, and your boyfriend finds you beautiful- accept it- I am sure it is true to him at least.... But yeah- I never believe it and I find it wierd when others compliment my looks. But hey- at a minimum it means they like be enought to try to find something nice to say...

02-27-2009, 12:18 PM	#7
mca1975 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: London Gender: Female Posts: 2,304	Erm... just believe them. Why would strangers come up to tell you if you weren't. Just accept it. __________________ mca1975 x

02-27-2009, 12:24 PM	#8
bmwm3 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: WEST & EAST Gender: Male Posts: 1,621	confidenence is sexy and attractive... Last edited by bmwm3; 02-27-2009 at 07:19 PM.

02-27-2009, 12:24 PM	#9
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,415	So what? Either way, whether you're pretty or not pretty, you shouldn't define your self worth by what others think of you. And pretty is in the eye of the beholder, so you will be pretty to some and not others. Given that you will spend more than half your life as an older person where looks are fading and you won't get any attention at all based on looks, i wouldn't dwell on this kind of thing too much... work instead on learning to develop other parts of yourself and character rather than worrying about/focusing on looks and whether you may or may not have them.

02-27-2009, 12:25 PM	#10
FarthestEdge Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 835	"Erm... just believe them. Why would strangers come up to tell you if you weren't. Just accept it. " Well- because some strangers in this world are still nice people who believe in finding something nice to say to someone who looks uncomfortable in their own skin.... I can appreciate their efforts without believing it... Personally, I find it inspiring that such people continue to exist..... Besides, "pretty" is only one way to measure a person, and IMO in NO way is it the most important. The real truth is we cannot all be supermodels. I'm ok with being plain- it is what it is...I have other strengths..... I'm more of a "Dove-Campaign for real beauty" beauty, I guess.......