my husband wants us to live in a religious commune!

saschako · 02-25-2009, 11:23 AM

okay so my husband was born into a religious commune called the "twelve tribes of israel." its actually not a whacko polygamist cult or anything but they believe that in order to serve god, one must give up all of their possessions and "worldly" opinions, interests, musical preferences etc.. and that the only way to do this is to live in the commune, or "community"

i have never been into god or religion or anything, but while i was living out in california, my friends and i visited this commune (out of curiosity) and i met my husband there. he ended up leaving the commune for awhile to be with me and we got married. a few months ago, we moved into one of the commune's houses (there are several of them all over the world) in virginia. as of now, i am 4 1/2 months pregnant- and i dont feel like i'm ready to be a mother!

he recently expressed that he wants to be re-baptized and that he wants to devote his life to doing god's will and he wants to live in this commune and he wants us to raise our family here.

my problem with this is that
1. i don't really even believe in god
2. this life is miserable drudgery- the men (including my husband) all go do construction all day and us women cook, clean, wash dishes, do laundry and watch children EVERY day, beginning at 7 am.
3. i feel completely uninspired- i love writing and drawing but i'm too depressed and busy doing menial tasks all day to even find time.
4. i'm only 21 and i have my whole life ahead of me
5. we have to dress "modestly" here- which basically means wearing oversized maternity clothes that make you feel like a gigantic whale
6. i am not "allowed" to contact my old friend because they might be a "defiling" influence on me and i miss them so much!
it sucks though because i really love my husband and i want to make him happy but if i leave, it would probably tear us apart. and we have a child on the way.
what should i do? am i just being selfish or what?

redhearts · 02-25-2009, 11:27 AM

If you don't want a child there is adoption. Don't sacrifice your happiness for someone else. Sometimes its not meant to be. If he made you live with him in that place then that would be him being selfish. So either way its a no win situation, unless he doesn't go back, or he does and you don't go with him.

Iceman26 · 02-25-2009, 11:28 AM

Um, I think you should tell your husband the truth. You don't feel like living the Quaker lifestyle nor bringing children up in.

This apparently isn't what you signed on for when you got married. If he insists on living this lifestyle I would suggest parting ways.

You aren't being selfish. He would be the one being selfish for making a decision without your approval to join a commune.

Mutley · 02-25-2009, 11:30 AM

If I was you, there is NO way in heck that I'd do something like that.

saschako · 02-25-2009, 11:43 AM

you all have good points, but i really feel stuck because i have no money and i'm in the middle of nowhere in virginia

i do have a car though... i just need to get to california. ugh!

Mutley · 02-25-2009, 11:44 AM

Do you have relatives that can help you out until you get established?

Iceman26 · 02-25-2009, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saschako

you all have good points, but i really feel stuck because i have no money and i'm in the middle of nowhere in virginia

i do have a car though... i just need to get to california. ugh!

There are always resources you can find to help you out.

Do you have any friends or family members that can help?

redhearts · 02-25-2009, 11:45 AM

So how much do you have in your account, what kind of car? Do you have friends who can send you money? Or a plane ticket? I know from California-mid America on a rabbit is about $80.

saschako · 02-25-2009, 11:51 AM

well i have about 40 dollars..i know my mother would help me for sure but shes out in california and she loves the fact that i'm married and i'm living out here on a rural farm and blahblahblah.. but i would hate to ask anything of her considering how disappointed she's going to be already.

& my car is pretty reliable and decent on gas.

saschako · 02-25-2009, 11:58 AM

i guess the main issue is that im pregnant and i know my husband wouldn't just let me take off and drive cross country in this condition

plus, his family will be crushed
damn, this is quite a situation

02-25-2009, 11:23 AM	#1
saschako Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: virginia Gender: Female Posts: 7	my husband wants us to live in a religious commune! okay so my husband was born into a religious commune called the "twelve tribes of israel." its actually not a whacko polygamist cult or anything but they believe that in order to serve god, one must give up all of their possessions and "worldly" opinions, interests, musical preferences etc.. and that the only way to do this is to live in the commune, or "community" i have never been into god or religion or anything, but while i was living out in california, my friends and i visited this commune (out of curiosity) and i met my husband there. he ended up leaving the commune for awhile to be with me and we got married. a few months ago, we moved into one of the commune's houses (there are several of them all over the world) in virginia. as of now, i am 4 1/2 months pregnant- and i dont feel like i'm ready to be a mother! he recently expressed that he wants to be re-baptized and that he wants to devote his life to doing god's will and he wants to live in this commune and he wants us to raise our family here. my problem with this is that 1. i don't really even believe in god 2. this life is miserable drudgery- the men (including my husband) all go do construction all day and us women cook, clean, wash dishes, do laundry and watch children EVERY day, beginning at 7 am. 3. i feel completely uninspired- i love writing and drawing but i'm too depressed and busy doing menial tasks all day to even find time. 4. i'm only 21 and i have my whole life ahead of me 5. we have to dress "modestly" here- which basically means wearing oversized maternity clothes that make you feel like a gigantic whale 6. i am not "allowed" to contact my old friend because they might be a "defiling" influence on me and i miss them so much! it sucks though because i really love my husband and i want to make him happy but if i leave, it would probably tear us apart. and we have a child on the way. what should i do? am i just being selfish or what?

02-25-2009, 11:28 AM	#3
Iceman26 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Houston Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 2,904	Um, I think you should tell your husband the truth. You don't feel like living the Quaker lifestyle nor bringing children up in. This apparently isn't what you signed on for when you got married. If he insists on living this lifestyle I would suggest parting ways. You aren't being selfish. He would be the one being selfish for making a decision without your approval to join a commune. __________________ "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently." "Pride only hurts. It never helps."

02-25-2009, 11:30 AM	#4
Mutley Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Ohio Gender: Male Age: 40 Posts: 2,818	If I was you, there is NO way in heck that I'd do something like that. __________________ "May a diseased yak leave a bar mitzvah gift in your sock drawer."

02-25-2009, 11:44 AM	#6
Mutley Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Ohio Gender: Male Age: 40 Posts: 2,818	Do you have relatives that can help you out until you get established? __________________ "May a diseased yak leave a bar mitzvah gift in your sock drawer."

02-25-2009, 11:27 AM	#2
redhearts Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 4,623	If you don't want a child there is adoption. Don't sacrifice your happiness for someone else. Sometimes its not meant to be. If he made you live with him in that place then that would be him being selfish. So either way its a no win situation, unless he doesn't go back, or he does and you don't go with him.

02-25-2009, 11:43 AM	#5
saschako Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: virginia Gender: Female Posts: 7	you all have good points, but i really feel stuck because i have no money and i'm in the middle of nowhere in virginia i do have a car though... i just need to get to california. ugh!

02-25-2009, 11:45 AM	#8
redhearts Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 4,623	So how much do you have in your account, what kind of car? Do you have friends who can send you money? Or a plane ticket? I know from California-mid America on a rabbit is about $80.

02-25-2009, 11:51 AM	#9
saschako Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: virginia Gender: Female Posts: 7	well i have about 40 dollars..i know my mother would help me for sure but shes out in california and she loves the fact that i'm married and i'm living out here on a rural farm and blahblahblah.. but i would hate to ask anything of her considering how disappointed she's going to be already. & my car is pretty reliable and decent on gas.

02-25-2009, 11:58 AM	#10
saschako Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: virginia Gender: Female Posts: 7	i guess the main issue is that im pregnant and i know my husband wouldn't just let me take off and drive cross country in this condition plus, his family will be crushed damn, this is quite a situation