What does a mild depression feel like?

[caro33]

I think something is wrong with me, but I’m not sure. It’s nothing like a major depression I had many years ago, so I’ve been assuming I’m not depressed, but I am less and less certain.

My life is good overall. Married to a good man, and we have a 16 month baby. We are both employed and have a nice house. We’re healthy and have decent family relationships etc. Baby is demanding but a normal toddler, to a large degree at least. I posted a few days ago about a screaming issue we have, and while it’s not dire I think it’s had a large part in pushing me to the edge.

I love my baby but I am often sick of being his mother. I just want to be unconscious, or visit my old life when I was single and able to do outrageously independent things like go to the toilet by myself. Actually I want to believe I have no family and run away and travel through Europe. Stupid fantasies.

I went back to work part-time in October last year, and things have been challenging since then. Work is about an unfulfilling as it could be – we are still in endless restructure and I now have literally nothing to do. No one to talk to. I have exhausted my options for staying here – please don’t give me advice about moving on etc because it’s not going to happen. What I need on the work front is to find a way to live with it. At least until I get that new manager they keep promising me…

The upshot of this is that I feel like I am just getting by, I have nothing left for my husband and our relationship is increasingly rocky. It’s my fault, mostly. I feel fine a lot of the time, but push me with questions when I don’t have the inclination to get into it, and I shut down. I'm cranky and sick of being the one person who has to be in control of everything, the person who cleans up after everyone else, who has to think about everything ahead of time.

I just want to sleep, even though I get a full night most nights. I don’t want to be doing all this, I have lost myself entirely. But when husband comes up with bright ideas about how to spend my time to get some of myself back, I’m not interested. I feel like adding anything, even a plan to get out of the house for a while, is just adding obligations. I feel like having one or two hours off is pointless, I still have to come back to this sense of…I don’t know…loss and isolation. I am annoying and helpless.

And I know the above sounds appallingly ungrateful. I chose to get married, I chose to have a child. We have been lucky, all is fine. So how can I get my brain to stop sulking and appreciate my life? How can I get some perspective and stop feeling like such a victim? I just want to be left alone to cry and sleep. I want to not be a mother for a while, I want to have a creative outlet, to be valued as more than just a house cleaner and slave to baby’s demands.

I saw a counsellor when I was feeling a little better a few weeks ago and was told that this is normal mother stuff. “It’s hard”. Oh, and I was emotionally abused by my parents. Well yeah, that’s no help. I don’t want to autopsy the past or blame others for my current failings, I am a grown woman. I also don’t want to be told this is “normal” because it can’t be. Women all over the world have dealt with real problems, with multiple children, sickness, financial problems etc. If they were as soft as me right now we would have died out as a species some millennia ago. There's a difference between feeling stressed and feeling...not hopeless, but close to it. Trapped and alone, sad and angry.

I would like anyone who has had a clinically diagnosed depression, who was functional, to tell me what it felt like. Please. I need to know if I need to see another professional or whether I just need to find a way to get over my self-pity.

[avman]

Well at the risk of telling you what you said you didn't want to hear - what you are experiencing IS normal. You are an exhausted new parent. Exhaustion and the 24/7 demands of a young child can wear on even the strongest soul. Just because women and men have been doing it for thousands of years didn't mean they weren't at the end of their ropes at certain times in the process.

Are you able to get a night off once a week? Have your husband watch your child while you go out and do an adult activity. Meet up with girlfriends. Take a class. Go to the gym. Do whatever it is you'd like to do. And find yourself a good babysitter and make sure you have a date with your husband at least once or twice a month. Once a week is even better but I know most people can't afford that.

I know you mentioned it seems like nothing but it really can be quite refreshing to go do something you enjoy weekly.

If you honestly feel like you just have stopped enjoying anything in life, well then I think it's time to visit a psychologist or psychiatrist to check into being evaluated for clinical depression. That may be setting in and it's best to start addressing it early in rather than letting it take hold and consume all of your happiness.

[caro33]

I have no idea how people go back for more though avman, how any of this is possible. Is it that I am just not cut out for "normal" parental stresses? Perhaps. I am often distraught and there's no solid reason.

Thanks though. My husband insisted I get out of the house tonight (last night was awful) and so will see how I go. The friend I am seeing has always been a wonderful source of support, he has a way of making things crystallise for me and kicking me out of dumb thinking.

[avman]

Well admittedly the first couple of years are the hardest. You'll have no argument from me about that. But it does get better. As they start walking, talking, and exploring you start having a lot more fun with them rather than just being a 24 hour care machine.

Your husband is right to force you out though. I'm glad he realizes you need to get out and make sure you feel human. Do stop thinking that what you are feeling is dumb or not important though. It IS important. You need to see yourself as more than just a 24 hour mom. You are still a person underneath all that and you have needs, wants, and feelings too. The trick is to find a balance of everything that works.

[1MoreChance]

It sounds like you are going through a lot of feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, and anger and guilt for feeling your feleings, feelings that are brought on by childhood abuse. I think you should try to be kind to yourself. I know it's hard, but you sound cynical and hard toward yourself.

it must be very hard to be a new mother and it's ok to feel tired of cleaning up after everyone and of never having time to yourslef. Plus you have to work and it sounds like unfulfilling work.

Having a child can bring up some issues about your own past and that's normal. It can make you feel very vulnerable. I think you should honor your experience and care for yourself, instead of being cynical toward yourslef about what you have experienced in childhood or about the feelings you feel right now. yes you can be grateful for what yuo do have but you alsohave to recognize and honnor your feelings and experience for what theya re.

maybe you have some post partum drpression as well? don't give up, you deserve to be happy.

[penelope13]

Getting out of the house sounds like a good idea. Maybe also ask your husband to give you the opportunity to sleep in for at least the weekend.

If getting out of the house and some extra sleep doesn't make you feel any better, then you could reconsider and talk to your doctor about how you are feeling.

[dirk]

Hi.It sounds like you are are going through a trying time. As for the counsellor you were seeing, I do not think it is just part of being a mother or motherhood.You sound like you are going through an emotional burnout. I think it would be in your best interest to see another counsellor who can help you with a different set of opinions of how you should deal with your situation. I wish you all the best.

[Pappers]

I agree - I think it would be really helpful to see someone else. there are many degrees of depression / feeling blue / run down / exhausted ... talking to someone will definitely help first of all (talking always helps so no harm in this!), and secondly you may get more information about what you're feeling and how to manage it.

I think you did a great thing by posting here - next step is to get a consultation with a psychologist. It isn't a big deal and can only help! (if not to give some parenting tips!)

Keep up the good work

[caro33]

Thank you all, that's very nice of you.

The feelings really change. I had a friend kindly lecture me at lunch on doing courses etc in my spare time here at work and I couldn't speak for fear of having a massive bawl. Just miserable. No interest at all. I don't think I am having a 'normal' reaction, not unless all those other parents are superb actors (are they? is the joy of parenting one of the biggest lies of all?).

I just won some cool Duplo on eBay though, and feel a bit better. That's what my life has been reduced to, small highs from eBay purchases for the baby .

I will call the psychologist again, I have a couple more free visits with this one (through work) and to give her her due, I did underplay how upset I was when I saw her last.

Husband is afraid I will do a runner, poor thing. I was quite upset last night. I have told him I love him several times today.

[JadedStar]

You would be surprised at how many new mothers feel exactly the same way but are afraid to tell anyone because they think people might perceive they are failing. Like you, they think 'women everywhere for centuries have done this and they are just fine, so if someone thikns i am having a difficult time that must make me weak or a failure". But truth is, MOST new mothers DO have this type of mild depression> This is a big life's change and it takes something out of you, not just your energy, but you are now responsible for a heck of a lot more than you once were and it can wear on the psyche sometimes.

I doubt there are many women alive or who lived prior who didn't feel like this, like they wanted their life back, if even for only a month or two....or even for a day or two.

At the same time it is good you recognize this and are seeking some answers. And I am glad you will give your psychologist a call so that you can get an official diagnosis. I just wanted to ring in to say that this happens a lot more than people think....for me I think it finally just went away when my kids were in school....i had off and on bouts of feeling down when they were very small, toddler years, because it takes so much out of you. And like i said not just energy, it is a piece of you that feels lost, but it normally will come and go in spurts. For the most part i loved being a mother and it was very rewarding but there were ups and downs for awhile with feeling a bit lost sometimes.