should i marry this man who wants me to lose weight and...

swtluv · 02-18-2009, 05:03 AM

hi guys, well heres my problem. I have been dating this guy for about 2.5 years and we did break up once during that time. I have gone throught a lot with him and have had my share of heartache.We recently got back together. I also want to not that about a year into our relationship he brought up marriage, so i have always known he really wants to get married. Im 20 by the way and hes 23.
nehow, the other day he was like i want you to lose weight if ur my wife. I also would like it if you always take care of urself and are refreshed(clean i guess ) and by the way im 5'8 ,140 pds ..I am not big at all..but he is really into working out, like evryday 2 hrs..
I cant help but feel like he wants a wife jsut for the sake of being married? not for the sake of loving me if he can say things like that...you guys think im thinkin too much?
I mean i like encouragement of being healthy and working out but i jsut got the vibe that he doesn't think im up to his standards or somehting....
Well i woudl really appreciate some advice..thank-you

Isha · 02-18-2009, 05:16 AM

Should you marry him? Um no.

You marry someone because you love them the way they are. In my opinion he is being cruel and insensitive by setting conditions like that.

dreamwarrior · 02-18-2009, 05:24 AM

As far as your ht and wt are concerned your just fine...he is being just plain ridiculous!

**arwen** · 02-18-2009, 05:31 AM

Even apart from if your actual weight, I think it's a ridiculous and disrespectful thing to make any 'requirements' of this sort. He is making conditions here- while marriage is about committing to someone under all kinds of circumstances. What happens if you two want to have a baby? What if you fall ill and have to take a medicine like prednison that makes you bloat and retain water?

You have a healthy weight and you have every right to be less into working out than he is. If he ever wants to combine a serious career, a marriage and children... I doubt he's gonna have time for 2 hours at the gym every day.

Of course working out and exercise IS beneficial, but you should do it for YOU and not to please him.

swtluv · 02-18-2009, 05:48 AM

thanks a lot guys, I kind of was thinking the same things but its just hard to act upon ur instincts when your so in love. I just care about him so much and i was thinking all last nite, that i wouldn't change anything about him. I sometimes think hes a little selfish and way to into himself to realize what love is....

thanks a lot....

liquer · 02-18-2009, 06:40 AM

Don't marry him hun, he should love you just the way you are...as for marrying you just to get a wife, that is terrible! You are more that, or should be more, that just somebodies wife. What does he want you for, regular s ex? To do the cooking, cleaning, make the beds etc. Tell him how you feel and if you two split up then so be it...I'll bet there are other guys out there who would love you the way you are and be happy to have you as their wife and resepct you.

d24 · 02-18-2009, 06:44 AM

i'll give you another view here, and it's going to be harsh.

nobody wants to be with someone that doesn't take good care of themselves, and people have varying standards about what is acceptable for them (i.e. how active they'd like their partner to be). Now people weight these opinions themselves and although it sounds shallow, it's just a personal preference. Blondes over Brunettes, Busty over Flat. These kind of things - we shouldn't be made to feel bad about having a preference over how active our partner is.

Saying all of that, I'm still ashamed to say that if my girlfriend lost a couple of stone it'd make me happier.

Maybe he's trying to tell you in a rubbish sort of way that he wants you to look after yourself (either more, or to continue to look after yourself once married). Afterall, wouldn't it be awful to marry a bikini model (or Abercrombie model) and after a couple of years they turn into a coach potato?

lost! · 02-18-2009, 06:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swtluv

thanks a lot guys, I kind of was thinking the same things but its just hard to act upon ur instincts when your so in love. I just care about him so much and i was thinking all last nite, that i wouldn't change anything about him. I sometimes think hes a little selfish and way to into himself to realize what love is....

thanks a lot....

Yeah, it sounds like he doesn't want to get married because of love. If he truly loved you he would not ask you to lose weight among his other requests. I would not marry him. And I would not change myself for him. You are beautiful the way you are... and plus you've got a very healthy weight anyway!

S' agapo · 02-18-2009, 06:51 AM

Im 5,8 tall and weigh 150LBS and I love my figure!
Your not over weight, nor do u need to loose weight! Don't let anyone else tell you different if they are so blind to see someone who has a healthy weight for their height!

d24 · 02-18-2009, 06:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lost!

Yeah, it sounds like he doesn't want to get married because of love. If he truly loved you he would not ask you to lose weight among his other requests. I would not marry him. And I would not change myself for him. You are beautiful the way you are... and plus you've got a very healthy weight anyway!

ok yes she has a healthy weight
but maybe he's into skinny girls?
there's nothing wrong with that
and who says he doesnt love her?
i've asked my girlfriend, given her gentle and not so gentle nudges towards trying to get her to lose some weight... but it didn't mean i loved her any less. i was just trying to make her and i healthier and happier in the long run, and in all honesty we all knew she was overweight.

changing someone doesn't have to be all about making sure he puts the toilet seat down or trying to make her cut out that 3rd cookie in the afternoon... but in my opinion there's no difference between the two and we shouldn't be made to feel guilty because we know what we want. you're going to try and change things about the one you love, because not all flaws are acceptable.

i think you need to take a step back and seriously consider whether you should be offended about this, or take it in your stride and figure out what exactly he wants and whether you're able to (or willing to) do it. And who knows, if you lost 5lbs or something maybe he would leave that toilet seat down, or shave more often? *just saying*

02-18-2009, 05:03 AM	#1
swtluv Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Canada Gender: Female Posts: 34	should i marry this man who wants me to lose weight and... hi guys, well heres my problem. I have been dating this guy for about 2.5 years and we did break up once during that time. I have gone throught a lot with him and have had my share of heartache.We recently got back together. I also want to not that about a year into our relationship he brought up marriage, so i have always known he really wants to get married. Im 20 by the way and hes 23. nehow, the other day he was like i want you to lose weight if ur my wife. I also would like it if you always take care of urself and are refreshed(clean i guess ) and by the way im 5'8 ,140 pds ..I am not big at all..but he is really into working out, like evryday 2 hrs.. I cant help but feel like he wants a wife jsut for the sake of being married? not for the sake of loving me if he can say things like that...you guys think im thinkin too much? I mean i like encouragement of being healthy and working out but i jsut got the vibe that he doesn't think im up to his standards or somehting.... Well i woudl really appreciate some advice..thank-you

02-18-2009, 05:16 AM	#2
Isha Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 119	Should you marry him? Um no. You marry someone because you love them the way they are. In my opinion he is being cruel and insensitive by setting conditions like that. __________________ tempt my werewolf not to run.

02-18-2009, 05:24 AM	#3
dreamwarrior Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Somewhere In Time Gender: Female Age: 45 Posts: 1,791	As far as your ht and wt are concerned your just fine...he is being just plain ridiculous! __________________ "If you can't do better for me than what I am doing for myself don't waste my time or yours". ~dreamwarrior~ <--------------My Son The only limitations in life are the ones in your mind. ~dreamwarrior~

02-18-2009, 05:31 AM	#4
arwen Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Netherlands Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 5,396	Even apart from if your actual weight, I think it's a ridiculous and disrespectful thing to make any 'requirements' of this sort. He is making conditions here- while marriage is about committing to someone under all kinds of circumstances. What happens if you two want to have a baby? What if you fall ill and have to take a medicine like prednison that makes you bloat and retain water? You have a healthy weight and you have every right to be less into working out than he is. If he ever wants to combine a serious career, a marriage and children... I doubt he's gonna have time for 2 hours at the gym every day. Of course working out and exercise IS beneficial, but you should do it for YOU and not to please him. __________________ You always* have a choice.* 11 February 2010: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]* is due!* Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone.com

02-18-2009, 06:44 AM	#7
d24 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: UK Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 1,064	i'll give you another view here, and it's going to be harsh. nobody wants to be with someone that doesn't take good care of themselves, and people have varying standards about what is acceptable for them (i.e. how active they'd like their partner to be). Now people weight these opinions themselves and although it sounds shallow, it's just a personal preference. Blondes over Brunettes, Busty over Flat. These kind of things - we shouldn't be made to feel bad about having a preference over how active our partner is. Saying all of that, I'm still ashamed to say that if my girlfriend lost a couple of stone it'd make me happier. Maybe he's trying to tell you in a rubbish sort of way that he wants you to look after yourself (either more, or to continue to look after yourself once married). Afterall, wouldn't it be awful to marry a bikini model (or Abercrombie model) and after a couple of years they turn into a coach potato? __________________ "You act as though you haven't seen trees bow to an unborn child before?"

02-18-2009, 05:48 AM	#5
swtluv Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Canada Gender: Female Posts: 34	thanks a lot guys, I kind of was thinking the same things but its just hard to act upon ur instincts when your so in love. I just care about him so much and i was thinking all last nite, that i wouldn't change anything about him. I sometimes think hes a little selfish and way to into himself to realize what love is.... thanks a lot....

02-18-2009, 06:40 AM	#6
liquer Offline Bronze Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Bristol, UK Gender: None Specified Age: 43 Posts: 490	Don't marry him hun, he should love you just the way you are...as for marrying you just to get a wife, that is terrible! You are more that, or should be more, that just somebodies wife. What does he want you for, regular s ex? To do the cooking, cleaning, make the beds etc. Tell him how you feel and if you two split up then so be it...I'll bet there are other guys out there who would love you the way you are and be happy to have you as their wife and resepct you.

02-18-2009, 06:51 AM	#9
S' agapo Offline Gold Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 757	Im 5,8 tall and weigh 150LBS and I love my figure! Your not over weight, nor do u need to loose weight! Don't let anyone else tell you different if they are so blind to see someone who has a healthy weight for their height!