Religious Conflict

tacotac · 02-16-2009, 08:02 PM

I've been raised in a traditional Christian home. I've only looked for guys that are well rounded, and not into a destructive lifestyle. One requirement for me was to find someone that was a Christian as well. Easy understood, you won't conflict in your marriage/relationship later on. I myself am not a strict devout Christian, so for me it is hard finding someone of my likeness. I finally found someone I knew for over a year, and we get along so well, we finally started dating, but now I kind of regret it. He is a great guy, just I had asked him where he stands, and it has been teetering back & forth. He says he doesn't lie, and doesn't lie to me. But he tells me he is a Christian, yet every now and then makes fun of the faith, and not only that, would talk about such things as wanting to go to hell, and asking me about if I would accept somebody if they believed differently. I told him I have always looked for someone of the same faith as I, it makes it much less stressful for me and my family. He said to me he is a Christian, but never could tell me when he made the commitment. I think a lot of times he just tells me this to please me and to make me happy.

This is quite hurtful to me, because I feel as I have been let down and lied to, as more recently besides trying to reassure me of his faith, on one of his profiles on a website we are members of, he posted to a new friend stating that it is awesome to see someone who is Pagan as himself. He probably doesn't think that I read the comments from time to time that he posts, but then it's not like he's hiding them either. But I feel like I cannot trust him if he tells me one thing, and tells something completely different to everyone else. I don't know what to believe of him anymore, or if I should stay in a relationship like this.

Gratsy · 02-16-2009, 08:08 PM

Over time it will be revealed if his heart is in his faith. Does he seem devoted or is he just saying that its something he believes in? Lying to make you happy is quite possible and its good to find that out at some point before doing something you may regret, like marriage. It is always hard to find out someone is lying to you, but you're naive if you don't realize that there are a lot of liars out there with ulterior motives. Not everyone wants to do the right thing, quite the opposite- remember that. What do you value most? It is always revealed after tests/trials like these.

elizmdavis · 02-16-2009, 08:13 PM

Go with your gut! You have been in your faith for a long time and you have it in you to recognize someone who shares it versus someone who doesn't. He is the teeter-er here, you don't have to be. I think religion is a VERY important thing to consider with a long-term relationship...if you believe this too then stick to your guns. Since he is very wishy-washy with what he says he believes I doubt he will be able to give you a straight answer. Trust your senses.

Wolf_22 · 02-16-2009, 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tacotac

I've been raised in a traditional Christian home...

Did you discuss this before becoming exclusive? If not, then remember to (next time) when this relationship ends. If you did, then maybe he just changed--and this is okay--after all, he's in the relationship, too.

In the end, no matter who you wind up with, there's always the chance of some guy changing. As a matter of fact, you better just assume that every guy you eventually wind up with through life will change at one point or another. If love changes, then I'm willing to bet anything that someone's religious beliefs can, too. With that being said, if everything else meshes well with this guy, then why fix something that isn't really broken? Everyone is entitled to their beliefs and to me, those who can support this ideology with an objective mentality always find happy mediums with others.

...But nobody's perfect, right?

TheSmilingTurnip · 02-16-2009, 10:07 PM

This would be a deal-breaker for me. When it came to my ex boyfriend, I had asked him a key question when we started dating. He lied about what he believed. I realized later that he had lied. This hurt my feelings and caused me to question everything.

You want someone with integrity. This person appears to be ready to say anything he needs to in order to get something he wants. Do you want someone like that? Any other red flags?

In the end, you have to go with your gut. You caught him in a lie. He said what he felt would close the deal for him, which you now clearly know was a lie. You said it was quite hurtful. Is this a deal breaker for you? Only you can decide.

tylercdurden2004 · 02-16-2009, 10:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tacotac

I've been raised in a traditional Christian home. I've only looked for guys that are well rounded, and not into a destructive lifestyle. One requirement for me was to find someone that was a Christian as well. Easy understood, you won't conflict in your marriage/relationship later on. I myself am not a strict devout Christian, so for me it is hard finding someone of my likeness. I finally found someone I knew for over a year, and we get along so well, we finally started dating, but now I kind of regret it. He is a great guy, just I had asked him where he stands, and it has been teetering back & forth. He says he doesn't lie, and doesn't lie to me. But he tells me he is a Christian, yet every now and then makes fun of the faith, and not only that, would talk about such things as wanting to go to hell, and asking me about if I would accept somebody if they believed differently. I told him I have always looked for someone of the same faith as I, it makes it much less stressful for me and my family. He said to me he is a Christian, but never could tell me when he made the commitment. I think a lot of times he just tells me this to please me and to make me happy.

This is quite hurtful to me, because I feel as I have been let down and lied to, as more recently besides trying to reassure me of his faith, on one of his profiles on a website we are members of, he posted to a new friend stating that it is awesome to see someone who is Pagan as himself. He probably doesn't think that I read the comments from time to time that he posts, but then it's not like he's hiding them either. But I feel like I cannot trust him if he tells me one thing, and tells something completely different to everyone else. I don't know what to believe of him anymore, or if I should stay in a relationship like this.

Taco

From what you have written above I think you need to end it with this guy. He is simply not compatable with what you want.

Having said that it might be worth looking into some of the bolded things above and working them out for yourself. The picture I get from the above is that you are kinda like a cop looking to see if he "screws up."

You mention that you were raised traditional christian but are not strict chrisitan. l think that is your interpretation of yourself and your behaviours. Other may not share that view. You need to be honest with yourself. What is it that you want? Be clear and be specific.

You mention wanting a person similar to your beliefs because that will be "easier". Personally I think this is a mistaken view. Yes you might not have many religious debates however regardless of your faith you are still an individual and so is the other person. That in itself is cause for conflict. Conflict is a normal healthy part of life though I do understand other people may not see it that way.

As I understand religion is between a person and their god. That means he has his own way of expressing his faith to his god. It doesnt mean he takes it "less seriously" just expresses his faith and relationship between him and his god differently than you do, even if you share the same faith.

I live in a muslim country. Devout muslims pray 5 times a day. Not once a week like most christians. Even with that there are many muslims who do not pray 5 times a day. I can guarentee you that there are muslims who would view you as beign unfaithful because you do not pray to your god 5 times a day. Does this mean you are unfaithful?

Now if you need certain behaviours to be displayed to prove his faith to you then you need to be clear on those behaviours with yourself and expect nothing less. Trying to catch him being "unfaithful" is not going to change him or his relationship he has with his god. You will be wasting your time and in fact eventually to avoid the faith police he will start hiding his "unfaithful" activities. Is that what you want?

Like I said I think you need to end it with him not try to mold him into you view of faithfulness.

isthisused · 02-16-2009, 10:29 PM

He probably figured that you are much more likely to have premarital sex with another Christian. I say that partly in jest but sadly there might be some truth to it. I am a Christian and as you probably could tell from some of my posts I am not up tight about it, but I would never tell someone I was pegan. Not even in jest.

tacotac · 02-17-2009, 10:39 AM

I had discussed this with him last night actually, because later that evening his new friend had posted on his page that it was nice to come across a fellow Pagan besides himself. I questioned about what he had told me about being a Christian, and then he went to tell me he isn't really Pagan, he was just saying that to the guy so he could learn more about the religion, and that he would never lie to me. I then brought up the former post that he had made to the guy stating how they seem to have much in common, and then below his statement he stated 'pagan as well someone says? This gets better and better'. He then told me that he was actually referring to someone else, not about himself. The other person he was posting to just got confused by the statement. I know he seems to justify things like this, and no matter how much he tries to convince me of being honest to me, it seems hard to believe him.

I know he talks about his past girlfriend of 3 years being gullible and naive, he must think I am the same way and is trying to play the same tricks he did on her. Besides being of the same faith of me, it is more of, he seems to be trying to play mind games with me, and I can't see myself staying with someone who is obviously dishonest, and has to cover up their lies.

As we went further into the issue, he admitted his past struggle in the Christian faith of being ignored and turned away from people in the church, and it is one reason he doesn't want to go back to his current church. He likes church, he just wants to find a place he can belong, and doesn't want to do it alone. He feels he is a weak Christian, which I already knew, I myself am not the strongest in the faith. He told me he feels the need to be encouraged, and wasn't finding it anywhere. I said that I wanted a companion that I could work on growing with in my faith, but not someone who would bring me down, yet not someone who is a religious zealot in which I, myself would feel uncomfortable being around. I told him that I am not a big church person, but have always wanted to find a place myself to fit in, and that if we do stay together, that hopefully we both can find a place together to strengthen our faith. He was more than happy with the idea, as he said I am the only person who he would feel comfortable going with, as stating again, he does not want to go at it alone.

tylercdurden2004 · 02-17-2009, 10:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tacotac

I had discussed this with him last night actually, because later that evening his new friend had posted on his page that it was nice to come across a fellow Pagan besides himself. I questioned about what he had told me about being a Christian, and then he went to tell me he isn't really Pagan, he was just saying that to the guy so he could learn more about the religion, and that he would never lie to me. I then brought up the former post that he had made to the guy stating how they seem to have much in common, and then below his statement he stated 'pagan as well someone says? This gets better and better'. He then told me that he was actually referring to someone else, not about himself. The other person he was posting to just got confused by the statement. I know he seems to justify things like this, and no matter how much he tries to convince me of being honest to me, it seems hard to believe him.

I know he talks about his past girlfriend of 3 years being gullible and naive, he must think I am the same way and is trying to play the same tricks he did on her. Besides being of the same faith of me, it is more of, he seems to be trying to play mind games with me, and I can't see myself staying with someone who is obviously dishonest, and has to cover up their lies.

As we went further into the issue, he admitted his past struggle in the Christian faith of being ignored and turned away from people in the church, and it is one reason he doesn't want to go back to his current church. He likes church, he just wants to find a place he can belong, and doesn't want to do it alone. He feels he is a weak Christian, which I already knew, I myself am not the strongest in the faith. He told me he feels the need to be encouraged, and wasn't finding it anywhere. I said that I wanted a companion that I could work on growing with in my faith, but not someone who would bring me down, yet not someone who is a religious zealot in which I, myself would feel uncomfortable being around. I told him that I am not a big church person, but have always wanted to find a place myself to fit in, and that if we do stay together, that hopefully we both can find a place together to strengthen our faith. He was more than happy with the idea, as he said I am the only person who he would feel comfortable going with, as stating again, he does not want to go at it alone.

I think you should find someone more consistent with you beliefs. You are way to judgemental about this guy because he doesntfit your description.

With all due respect you describe him as a "weak christian." You do realize some people consider this in line with zealotry IE you are not as religous as me therefore you are lesser.

tacotac · 02-17-2009, 10:51 AM

Yes, but I did not call him a weak Christian, he said this about himself actually.

02-16-2009, 08:02 PM	#1
tacotac Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 42	Religious Conflict I've been raised in a traditional Christian home. I've only looked for guys that are well rounded, and not into a destructive lifestyle. One requirement for me was to find someone that was a Christian as well. Easy understood, you won't conflict in your marriage/relationship later on. I myself am not a strict devout Christian, so for me it is hard finding someone of my likeness. I finally found someone I knew for over a year, and we get along so well, we finally started dating, but now I kind of regret it. He is a great guy, just I had asked him where he stands, and it has been teetering back & forth. He says he doesn't lie, and doesn't lie to me. But he tells me he is a Christian, yet every now and then makes fun of the faith, and not only that, would talk about such things as wanting to go to hell, and asking me about if I would accept somebody if they believed differently. I told him I have always looked for someone of the same faith as I, it makes it much less stressful for me and my family. He said to me he is a Christian, but never could tell me when he made the commitment. I think a lot of times he just tells me this to please me and to make me happy. This is quite hurtful to me, because I feel as I have been let down and lied to, as more recently besides trying to reassure me of his faith, on one of his profiles on a website we are members of, he posted to a new friend stating that it is awesome to see someone who is Pagan as himself. He probably doesn't think that I read the comments from time to time that he posts, but then it's not like he's hiding them either. But I feel like I cannot trust him if he tells me one thing, and tells something completely different to everyone else. I don't know what to believe of him anymore, or if I should stay in a relationship like this.

02-16-2009, 08:13 PM	#3
elizmdavis Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Arizona (the surface of the sun) Gender: Female Posts: 366	Go with your gut! You have been in your faith for a long time and you have it in you to recognize someone who shares it versus someone who doesn't. He is the teeter-er here, you don't have to be. I think religion is a VERY important thing to consider with a long-term relationship...if you believe this too then stick to your guns. Since he is very wishy-washy with what he says he believes I doubt he will be able to give you a straight answer. Trust your senses. __________________ "You've got to trust your instinct, and let go of regret. You've got to bet on yourself now, 'cuz that's your best bet!" ;-)

02-16-2009, 10:07 PM	#5
TheSmilingTurnip Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2005 Age: 33 Posts: 2,042	This would be a deal-breaker for me. When it came to my ex boyfriend, I had asked him a key question when we started dating. He lied about what he believed. I realized later that he had lied. This hurt my feelings and caused me to question everything. You want someone with integrity. This person appears to be ready to say anything he needs to in order to get something he wants. Do you want someone like that? Any other red flags? In the end, you have to go with your gut. You caught him in a lie. He said what he felt would close the deal for him, which you now clearly know was a lie. You said it was quite hurtful. Is this a deal breaker for you? Only you can decide. __________________ BOUNDARIES...where you end and someone else begins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty." ~ Kevin Bacon on keeping marriage together.

02-16-2009, 08:08 PM	#2
Gratsy Offline Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 2,436	Over time it will be revealed if his heart is in his faith. Does he seem devoted or is he just saying that its something he believes in? Lying to make you happy is quite possible and its good to find that out at some point before doing something you may regret, like marriage. It is always hard to find out someone is lying to you, but you're naive if you don't realize that there are a lot of liars out there with ulterior motives. Not everyone wants to do the right thing, quite the opposite- remember that. What do you value most? It is always revealed after tests/trials like these.

02-16-2009, 10:29 PM	#7
isthisused Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 131	He probably figured that you are much more likely to have premarital sex with another Christian. I say that partly in jest but sadly there might be some truth to it. I am a Christian and as you probably could tell from some of my posts I am not up tight about it, but I would never tell someone I was pegan. Not even in jest.

02-17-2009, 10:39 AM	#8
tacotac Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 42	I had discussed this with him last night actually, because later that evening his new friend had posted on his page that it was nice to come across a fellow Pagan besides himself. I questioned about what he had told me about being a Christian, and then he went to tell me he isn't really Pagan, he was just saying that to the guy so he could learn more about the religion, and that he would never lie to me. I then brought up the former post that he had made to the guy stating how they seem to have much in common, and then below his statement he stated 'pagan as well someone says? This gets better and better'. He then told me that he was actually referring to someone else, not about himself. The other person he was posting to just got confused by the statement. I know he seems to justify things like this, and no matter how much he tries to convince me of being honest to me, it seems hard to believe him. I know he talks about his past girlfriend of 3 years being gullible and naive, he must think I am the same way and is trying to play the same tricks he did on her. Besides being of the same faith of me, it is more of, he seems to be trying to play mind games with me, and I can't see myself staying with someone who is obviously dishonest, and has to cover up their lies. As we went further into the issue, he admitted his past struggle in the Christian faith of being ignored and turned away from people in the church, and it is one reason he doesn't want to go back to his current church. He likes church, he just wants to find a place he can belong, and doesn't want to do it alone. He feels he is a weak Christian, which I already knew, I myself am not the strongest in the faith. He told me he feels the need to be encouraged, and wasn't finding it anywhere. I said that I wanted a companion that I could work on growing with in my faith, but not someone who would bring me down, yet not someone who is a religious zealot in which I, myself would feel uncomfortable being around. I told him that I am not a big church person, but have always wanted to find a place myself to fit in, and that if we do stay together, that hopefully we both can find a place together to strengthen our faith. He was more than happy with the idea, as he said I am the only person who he would feel comfortable going with, as stating again, he does not want to go at it alone.

02-17-2009, 10:51 AM	#10
tacotac Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 42	Yes, but I did not call him a weak Christian, he said this about himself actually.