Abused as a child and this is the first time i am telling

notreadytotell · 02-15-2009, 09:14 PM

I have never had the guts to talk to anyone about it not even my husband. I was abused by 2 cousins when i was really young i hardly remember but then they told a friend and the friend wanted to do stuff to me too I don't remember if he did. My brother did stuff to me too.When i stared to get older my step dad started touching me. When i was 15 one of the cousin who abused me as a child raped me and took my virginity at that point i gave up fighting i figured men will do whatever they want to me anyways. I don't know how to fix me i feel broken like something is wrong with me and i always feel my husband will leave me one day when he finds someone perfect who does not have problems like me. I want to feel better about everything but i don't know how, men have always used me how am i supposed to start believing that this man who i love dearly will not walk out on me if i tell him the truth. It is easier to talk here because no one knows who i am. Does anyone know how to help me please i am so tired of carrying this around I don't know how to deal with it.

Sarati · 02-15-2009, 09:44 PM

Hi, first of all, let me welcome you warmly to ENA, you came to the right place. Hang in there, and don't give up hope. There's a solution to most every problem. The people who abused you are the ones at fault, NOT YOU. The people who were supposed to be protecting you also failed you. I was also abused as a child. It really does take its toll on you. It ruins your ability to trust. I'm finally a pretty well-adjusted person, but I still have great difficulty trusting others. However, I've come to realize that human beings are very unreliable creatures, and capable of doing really mean and hurtful things to others. I used to view people like this almost exclusively, but I've met some good and amazing people as I've continued on life's path, so I know for sure that those abusers are not the only types of people in this world.

You must begin to take control of your life. You do not have to allow anyone to use you. And it sounds like you have a nice husband and, if he loves you, then he is not going to abandon you if he knows about the abuse you endured. Here is a great online resource: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

On the other hand, since you are not ready to tell him about this, then you certainly are not obligated to. You could find a therapist who specializes in helping women recover from child sexual abuse. And, eventually, if you feel comfortable sharing this with your husband, then you could do it with your therapist.

You have some healing to do, and it's not going to happen overnight. Get a therapist you trust, and take it baby step by baby step. I'll write more in a bit.... <<<hugs>>>

Llama Dancer · 02-15-2009, 10:07 PM

I am very sorry to hear of your pain. I can't imagine what this must be like for you. What I can say is that you have indeed, as Sarati said, come to the right place.

The first step in getting out of a personal hell is to recognize essential truth. The truth here is that you did nothing wrong. The people you trusted victimized you. But you don't have to be a victim anymore. Acknowledging that is the first important step.

I can't see your husband walking away because of something like this. If anything, he might hold you closer. Don't feel that this has to be done on a timetable. Tell him, when and if, you are ready.

Please do seek someone out in 'real life' to talk about this with. We are all here cheering you on to healing.

mgirl · 02-15-2009, 10:08 PM

First of all, can i say that it is terrible that your cousin took your virginity. Secondly, not all men are like this and to try not to have the attitude that men will take what they want anyway. Yes, i agree that as females, we have a certain responsibility to look after ourselves and to sometimes be on the look out for people who may exploit us. But, you are older now, so you should be able to defend yourself mentally, emotionally and hopefully physically, if the need arose (and hopefully it wouldn't and most likely it wouldn't).

I agree with the person above in that you are under no obligation to tell him. It is your business and that a good first step would be to seek counselling and perhaps you could work out how you are going to tell him, together.

My friend recently told me she was abused as a child. At first i was angry. Not with her, but with him, and that it had to happen to a fantastic person whom i really like. There are many mixed emotions when things like that are revealed.

If you want to tell him, i think it would be a good idea to tell him in therapy, with a therapist, because that way, he/she (the therapist) will be able to handle any feelings that may come up. It is unlikely he will leave you, he married you for you, so that won't change. Maybe if you went through therapy it would also be a good opportunity for you to get passed those feelings that he will leave you.

I would re-iterate what the other person above said. To find somebody in real life to talk to. Apart from that, you can still come here.

mgirl · 02-15-2009, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Llama Dancer

But you don't have to be a victim anymore. Acknowledging that is the first important step.

Yes, as i read on a website recently, people like you are survivors, not victims.

Llama Dancer · 02-15-2009, 10:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mgirl

Yes, as i read on a website recently, people like you are survivors, not victims.

Perfect -- I couldn't have said it better!

notreadytotell · 02-16-2009, 08:09 AM

I did try going to a therapist once but i never got to tell her about it because she told people about what was going on with me at the time so i could not tell her about being abused. I feel so sick to my stomach when i think about people in my family doing this to me and God knows maybe others.
I think that maybe you are right my husband might be supportive I will try to tell him but he is deployed to Iraq right now, i will try talking to him when he gets back. Now if i do this i am afraid that he might be so angry that he might try to hurt them, then the family will find out and they are not very understanding they will blame me and say that it was my fault they have always blamed me for everything.I would have to say this started happening when i was around 5 years old i swear to god i did not know better.
Thank you all for your support, advice and for listening.

Llama Dancer · 02-16-2009, 09:57 AM

No matter what develops, please understand this if nothing else: it was not your fault -- not even 1%. Nothing. Nada. Yes, there will be some issues that your husband will need to deal with. But I am confident that if anything, it will bring the two of you closer. He may have 'picked' up on things already -- you never know. Having once been where he was, I did. I was very angry with those that hurt my girlfriend (I was in highschool at the time) but I was able to be supportive. My old friend was able to get through this swamp and begin healing.

I've recently watched another friend go through this after her life spiraled out of control. She hit rock bottom and got help. It's amazing the difference three years has made for her. The most important thing is, she has her sense of power and self back.

Wishing you the best.

letthebirdsfly · 02-16-2009, 07:09 PM

Listen to me for the fact that I lived 8 years with a girl with the same problem, and even the other 2 girls I loved before, told me they had been abused. I'm 32 and I have lost my faith to ever be able to live happily with a woman by my side.

Hi notreadytotell, when you'll tell him about it, maybe that at least he would never want you around your family anymore, so if you love him, do be prepared to say goodbye to them once and forever.
But now listen, even if it sounds like an offence, and I'd never want to hurt your person, and I would only punish your abusers even by death, listen to me: if your husband is as sensitive as me, if he's the man you love, think twice or more before telling him your story, because even if you love him, after knowing about it he will never see you like before, he will probably think of you as a spoiled woman, as a broken thing, and with sorrow in his heart maybe he will survive and he will try to protect you from the world but inside himself he will feel deprived of something that he thought he owned. So even if has been you to ask for help, firstly try to defend your marriage from this evil you received.

(my story is about a 8y girl who has been abused and told her mother that didn't trust her so it lasted for three months. She told me after a month we dated, she was 24 and in 2005 after several years of big love while living at my home, unable to do nothing but obeying her mother, she has come back to her home, leaving me in pain, not even talking to me saying that she loves the territory where she spent her youth, and after three years of this * * * * , with me uselessly trying to have her back at my home and eventually fighting for her decisions, she definetely dumps me. Of course she has been manipulated from her family but she has never healed the wounds of the violence she received. She divides the people in two categories: the ones that she is afraid of, and the ones she doesn't give a * * * * about; she is not able to trust to anyone, and instead of trusting me, she obeys to her mother that wants her to be at home, while in public declares that her daughter is free to do what she wants, if I try to talk with them at the same time, the mother says that I offend my girlfriend with telling that she is forced or manipulated, and so there is nothing to do, I walk towards my madness day after day, thinking of the love I lost and thinking that I won't be able to protect her from the rest of the world).

mgirl · 02-16-2009, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notreadytotell

I did try going to a therapist once but i never got to tell her about it because she told people about what was going on with me at the time so i could not tell her about being abused.

It is actually illegal to tell what you hear about in therapy, you could probably take legal action. Or, at least threaten to.

Therapists are bound by a clause of confidentiality, it is a professional code of conduct. It sounds like you found the wrong therapist, try to find another one. I had to go through several (for other issues) before i found the right one. I would make sure the therapist understands this needs to be kept confidential. Time to start asserting yourself my dear!!

02-15-2009, 09:14 PM	#1
notreadytotell Offline Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 2	Abused as a child and this is the first time i am telling I have never had the guts to talk to anyone about it not even my husband. I was abused by 2 cousins when i was really young i hardly remember but then they told a friend and the friend wanted to do stuff to me too I don't remember if he did. My brother did stuff to me too.When i stared to get older my step dad started touching me. When i was 15 one of the cousin who abused me as a child raped me and took my virginity at that point i gave up fighting i figured men will do whatever they want to me anyways. I don't know how to fix me i feel broken like something is wrong with me and i always feel my husband will leave me one day when he finds someone perfect who does not have problems like me. I want to feel better about everything but i don't know how, men have always used me how am i supposed to start believing that this man who i love dearly will not walk out on me if i tell him the truth. It is easier to talk here because no one knows who i am. Does anyone know how to help me please i am so tired of carrying this around I don't know how to deal with it.

02-15-2009, 10:08 PM	#4
mgirl Offline Gold Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 1,444	First of all, can i say that it is terrible that your cousin took your virginity. Secondly, not all men are like this and to try not to have the attitude that men will take what they want anyway. Yes, i agree that as females, we have a certain responsibility to look after ourselves and to sometimes be on the look out for people who may exploit us. But, you are older now, so you should be able to defend yourself mentally, emotionally and hopefully physically, if the need arose (and hopefully it wouldn't and most likely it wouldn't). I agree with the person above in that you are under no obligation to tell him. It is your business and that a good first step would be to seek counselling and perhaps you could work out how you are going to tell him, together. My friend recently told me she was abused as a child. At first i was angry. Not with her, but with him, and that it had to happen to a fantastic person whom i really like. There are many mixed emotions when things like that are revealed. If you want to tell him, i think it would be a good idea to tell him in therapy, with a therapist, because that way, he/she (the therapist) will be able to handle any feelings that may come up. It is unlikely he will leave you, he married you for you, so that won't change. Maybe if you went through therapy it would also be a good opportunity for you to get passed those feelings that he will leave you. I would re-iterate what the other person above said. To find somebody in real life to talk to. Apart from that, you can still come here. __________________ I'm reversing my psychology I saw smiles everywhere last night! Last edited by mgirl; 02-15-2009 at 10:15 PM.

02-15-2009, 09:44 PM	#2
Sarati Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Universal Citizen Gender: None Specified Posts: 371	Hi, first of all, let me welcome you warmly to ENA, you came to the right place. Hang in there, and don't give up hope. There's a solution to most every problem. The people who abused you are the ones at fault, NOT YOU. The people who were supposed to be protecting you also failed you. I was also abused as a child. It really does take its toll on you. It ruins your ability to trust. I'm finally a pretty well-adjusted person, but I still have great difficulty trusting others. However, I've come to realize that human beings are very unreliable creatures, and capable of doing really mean and hurtful things to others. I used to view people like this almost exclusively, but I've met some good and amazing people as I've continued on life's path, so I know for sure that those abusers are not the only types of people in this world. You must begin to take control of your life. You do not have to allow anyone to use you. And it sounds like you have a nice husband and, if he loves you, then he is not going to abandon you if he knows about the abuse you endured. Here is a great online resource: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] On the other hand, since you are not ready to tell him about this, then you certainly are not obligated to. You could find a therapist who specializes in helping women recover from child sexual abuse. And, eventually, if you feel comfortable sharing this with your husband, then you could do it with your therapist. You have some healing to do, and it's not going to happen overnight. Get a therapist you trust, and take it baby step by baby step. I'll write more in a bit.... <<<hugs>>>

02-15-2009, 10:07 PM	#3
Llama Dancer Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 81	I am very sorry to hear of your pain. I can't imagine what this must be like for you. What I can say is that you have indeed, as Sarati said, come to the right place. The first step in getting out of a personal hell is to recognize essential truth. The truth here is that you did nothing wrong. The people you trusted victimized you. But you don't have to be a victim anymore. Acknowledging that is the first important step. I can't see your husband walking away because of something like this. If anything, he might hold you closer. Don't feel that this has to be done on a timetable. Tell him, when and if, you are ready. Please do seek someone out in 'real life' to talk about this with. We are all here cheering you on to healing.

02-16-2009, 08:09 AM	#7
notreadytotell Offline Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 2	I did try going to a therapist once but i never got to tell her about it because she told people about what was going on with me at the time so i could not tell her about being abused. I feel so sick to my stomach when i think about people in my family doing this to me and God knows maybe others. I think that maybe you are right my husband might be supportive I will try to tell him but he is deployed to Iraq right now, i will try talking to him when he gets back. Now if i do this i am afraid that he might be so angry that he might try to hurt them, then the family will find out and they are not very understanding they will blame me and say that it was my fault they have always blamed me for everything.I would have to say this started happening when i was around 5 years old i swear to god i did not know better. Thank you all for your support, advice and for listening.

02-16-2009, 09:57 AM	#8
Llama Dancer Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 81	No matter what develops, please understand this if nothing else: it was not your fault -- not even 1%. Nothing. Nada. Yes, there will be some issues that your husband will need to deal with. But I am confident that if anything, it will bring the two of you closer. He may have 'picked' up on things already -- you never know. Having once been where he was, I did. I was very angry with those that hurt my girlfriend (I was in highschool at the time) but I was able to be supportive. My old friend was able to get through this swamp and begin healing. I've recently watched another friend go through this after her life spiraled out of control. She hit rock bottom and got help. It's amazing the difference three years has made for her. The most important thing is, she has her sense of power and self back. Wishing you the best.

02-16-2009, 07:09 PM	#9
letthebirdsfly Offline Join Date: Feb 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 2	Listen to me for the fact that I lived 8 years with a girl with the same problem, and even the other 2 girls I loved before, told me they had been abused. I'm 32 and I have lost my faith to ever be able to live happily with a woman by my side. Hi notreadytotell, when you'll tell him about it, maybe that at least he would never want you around your family anymore, so if you love him, do be prepared to say goodbye to them once and forever. But now listen, even if it sounds like an offence, and I'd never want to hurt your person, and I would only punish your abusers even by death, listen to me: if your husband is as sensitive as me, if he's the man you love, think twice or more before telling him your story, because even if you love him, after knowing about it he will never see you like before, he will probably think of you as a spoiled woman, as a broken thing, and with sorrow in his heart maybe he will survive and he will try to protect you from the world but inside himself he will feel deprived of something that he thought he owned. So even if has been you to ask for help, firstly try to defend your marriage from this evil you received. (my story is about a 8y girl who has been abused and told her mother that didn't trust her so it lasted for three months. She told me after a month we dated, she was 24 and in 2005 after several years of big love while living at my home, unable to do nothing but obeying her mother, she has come back to her home, leaving me in pain, not even talking to me saying that she loves the territory where she spent her youth, and after three years of this * * * * , with me uselessly trying to have her back at my home and eventually fighting for her decisions, she definetely dumps me. Of course she has been manipulated from her family but she has never healed the wounds of the violence she received. She divides the people in two categories: the ones that she is afraid of, and the ones she doesn't give a * * * * about; she is not able to trust to anyone, and instead of trusting me, she obeys to her mother that wants her to be at home, while in public declares that her daughter is free to do what she wants, if I try to talk with them at the same time, the mother says that I offend my girlfriend with telling that she is forced or manipulated, and so there is nothing to do, I walk towards my madness day after day, thinking of the love I lost and thinking that I won't be able to protect her from the rest of the world).