Married, but thinking of another man

forever1476 · 02-13-2009, 01:45 PM

I married last June after a 4 month courtship. We didn't live together before marriage. I now understand all of the warnings regarding being engaged at least 6 months before marriage. My husband is not the man I thought he was and I feel totally gullible and duped. He's lied about his family, job, whereabouts, etc. and is totally irresponsible when it comes to money. He's betrayed me on more than one occassion and I'm finding it extremely hard to get past these issues. I've talked to him about how I feel and since this is his 2nd marriage, he doesn't want to even consider a divorce UNLESS, I'd be willing to pay for it (isn't that a bit twisted?). My husband continues to pacify the situation promising to make changes but yet continues to make decisions without considering my feelings. At this point I just feel like we're on two different moral compasses. I wake up frustrated and sad everyday and living like this is starting to wear on me physically and mentally. I know marriage is supposed to be forever...but at what costs? I see many people remaining in lackluster marriages simply because they're comfortable....but I want to be HAPPILY MARRIED. Is that just a fantasy? I would like to cut my losses before things go further but I'm not sure what to do.
To further complicate things, I recently reconnected with a highschool sweetheart who lives 3000 miles away. He's still single, no kids, and confessed that he still thinks of me and the "whatifs". I would never cheat on my husband but at this point I feel as if I'm having an emotional affair in my mind. I find myself constantly thinking about this other man and the "what ifs". I've stopped all contact at this point because I know its not healthy. This other man understands my decisions and said he'll always be there if I need to talk to someone and even offered to assist financially if I truly considered the divorce. I don't know what to do....I fear, remaining in my marriage may result in me losing what just might be my soulmate. Remaining in my marriage could also drive me crazy. But then the flip side is, maybe these are just growing pains that occur in the first year and things will get better.....I don't know what to do....should I stay, or should I go?

KG · 02-13-2009, 01:58 PM

The first year is the toughest, IMHO. There is so much much to learn about each other, and being together costantly can put a lot of pressure on you.

That said, he sounds as if he is treating you as a doormat, and that is not right. Whatever troubles a newly married couple have, there must be respect.

Is there a priest, counselor, nuetral friend you can confide in?

sidehop · 02-13-2009, 02:00 PM

It's a bad sign when a relationship starts off with a lie. People 'can' change but their old habits will still be with them. You just cannot change that fact.

Without involving your old friend, say that he never existed, is your husband someone you can see yourself being happy with with little work? I'm very sorry you're feeling this way everyday but I really feel you should focus on the marriage and not get distracted by your old friend. You could possibly be losing someone (your husband) that could've worked out even if you struggled rather than pointing fingers in one direction.

But if you truly feel that he has deceived you and you two have differences that just cannot be resolved, then it's your decision to get a lawyer for a divorce. It's not up to him to tell you that you can or cannot divorce. That's absolutely ridiculous, you're not his property.

This other friend of yours seem like a good person but again, your marriage should come first and not let him (friend) get in your way of making the right decision.

Tethys · 02-13-2009, 02:02 PM

If he lied to the point of misrepresenting himself, meaning fraud, you can have the marriage annulled and start over. Lying about his family, his job, and his whereabouts? I don't know where you live, so I don't know the laws, but if there is severe deception, you can have the marriage annulled in some states. If you can't do that, just divorce him, quickly and cleanly, as you have not been married long.

I'm leaving the other guy out of it for now. I think you made a mistake and want out, and you should do whatever it takes. I don't care that he thinks it's "forever." He misrepresented himself and you don't need to follow it.

Yes, you made a mistake marrying so quickly, but I won't beat you up about that.

Just do what now what your gut tells you to do. I think you know what to do.

forever1476 · 02-13-2009, 02:09 PM

I was already feeling horrible about the decision I'd made prior to this "other guy" popping up....that's why I'm so confused....it seems like he was sent to assure me that there is hope for happiness out there. I'd already put my husband out on 2 different occassions but was a sucker and let him back in b/c I'm scared to death that God will punish me for not staying married and my husband always throws the bible in my face when I mention the idea of divorce. I have an aunt that's been married for 25 years now and she said her marriage started the same way but since she was pregnant, she stayed and now she's extremely happy she did stick it out. I'm not pregnant nor am I trying to get pregnant based on the circumstances. He already has 2 kids w/2 different woman that he barely keeps in touch with....I refuse to be the 3rd.

sidehop · 02-13-2009, 02:22 PM

This is your life forever. If you truly feel that this marriage should not have happened, can you be certain that your feelings will change in the future?

And as much as I don't want or anyone for that matter to push you into divorce, and ultimately it's your decision, but it seems as though you're really regretting the whole marriage. It shouldn't be that way. Every relationship whether it's long term or marriage involves work but not when there are so much lies and heartache involved.

You need to decide for yourself what's going to make you happy at this point. If you've tried everything you possibly can as a couple but he does not change, you're only letting yourself feel bad about the situation and making things worse.

Like Tethys said, if there are obvious and deliberate deceit on his part, you can get the marriage annulled as if nothing ever happened. What can he do? Other than fight in court over getting the marriage divorced or annulled he cannot hold you down from divorcing him.

I can't imagine what you're going through, I'm sure you wanted happiness more than anything but to me it sounds like this is not the person you're going to be happy with. And yes, marriage is supposed to bring joy and happiness with a lot of work. It just seems as though you're putting in all the effort.

Jetta · 02-13-2009, 02:34 PM

If you really want out get out before you end up having children and making things worse. You can still get your marriage annulled at this point. I'd consider it. You always know when you made a mistake. A happy marriage is not an illusion, my parents had it, I've tried for it but haven't been as lucky as my mom was with her choice. Divorced twice because I did have that child as was unable to annul the first marriage.

Jetta

**lady00** · 02-13-2009, 03:15 PM

I definitely agree you need to get it annulled. He's lied to you about several big things. Thoughts of other men or not, this relationship isn't right for you and you need to get out ASAP.

**lady00** · 02-13-2009, 03:18 PM

I think as for other relationships, you should probably take a break from dating after this is over and try to figure out why you rushed into this marriage with someone you barely had time to get to know. I think that you need to be very very careful about any future relationships you enter into and the pace at which you proceed.

ttran · 02-13-2009, 03:48 PM

Your maybe feeling this way because of the other man back in your life. Now that you've talked to him, you might be seeing more and more things wrong with your husband. What I have learned by experiance is that you should take a break from both of them and you will realize who your really missing!

02-13-2009, 01:45 PM	#1
forever1476 Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 32	Married, but thinking of another man I married last June after a 4 month courtship. We didn't live together before marriage. I now understand all of the warnings regarding being engaged at least 6 months before marriage. My husband is not the man I thought he was and I feel totally gullible and duped. He's lied about his family, job, whereabouts, etc. and is totally irresponsible when it comes to money. He's betrayed me on more than one occassion and I'm finding it extremely hard to get past these issues. I've talked to him about how I feel and since this is his 2nd marriage, he doesn't want to even consider a divorce UNLESS, I'd be willing to pay for it (isn't that a bit twisted?). My husband continues to pacify the situation promising to make changes but yet continues to make decisions without considering my feelings. At this point I just feel like we're on two different moral compasses. I wake up frustrated and sad everyday and living like this is starting to wear on me physically and mentally. I know marriage is supposed to be forever...but at what costs? I see many people remaining in lackluster marriages simply because they're comfortable....but I want to be HAPPILY MARRIED. Is that just a fantasy? I would like to cut my losses before things go further but I'm not sure what to do. To further complicate things, I recently reconnected with a highschool sweetheart who lives 3000 miles away. He's still single, no kids, and confessed that he still thinks of me and the "whatifs". I would never cheat on my husband but at this point I feel as if I'm having an emotional affair in my mind. I find myself constantly thinking about this other man and the "what ifs". I've stopped all contact at this point because I know its not healthy. This other man understands my decisions and said he'll always be there if I need to talk to someone and even offered to assist financially if I truly considered the divorce. I don't know what to do....I fear, remaining in my marriage may result in me losing what just might be my soulmate. Remaining in my marriage could also drive me crazy. But then the flip side is, maybe these are just growing pains that occur in the first year and things will get better.....I don't know what to do....should I stay, or should I go?

02-13-2009, 01:58 PM	#2
KG Online Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: 2 miles east of Hicksville Gender: Male Posts: 4,905	The first year is the toughest, IMHO. There is so much much to learn about each other, and being together costantly can put a lot of pressure on you. That said, he sounds as if he is treating you as a doormat, and that is not right. Whatever troubles a newly married couple have, there must be respect. Is there a priest, counselor, nuetral friend you can confide in? __________________ Life is just a word until you go through it. I've got the scars to prove it.

02-13-2009, 02:34 PM	#7
Jetta Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Minnesota Gender: Female Age: 35 Posts: 2,354	If you really want out get out before you end up having children and making things worse. You can still get your marriage annulled at this point. I'd consider it. You always know when you made a mistake. A happy marriage is not an illusion, my parents had it, I've tried for it but haven't been as lucky as my mom was with her choice. Divorced twice because I did have that child as was unable to annul the first marriage. Jetta __________________ "Reality is what won't go away when you stop believing in it." -Phillip K* "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." -Carl Jung

02-13-2009, 03:15 PM	#8
lady00 Online Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 7,869	I definitely agree you need to get it annulled. He's lied to you about several big things. Thoughts of other men or not, this relationship isn't right for you and you need to get out ASAP. __________________ "When I fall in love, I take my time." - Jason Mraz "Can't sing but I've got soul." - U2

02-13-2009, 03:18 PM	#9
lady00 Online Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 7,869	I think as for other relationships, you should probably take a break from dating after this is over and try to figure out why you rushed into this marriage with someone you barely had time to get to know. I think that you need to be very very careful about any future relationships you enter into and the pace at which you proceed. __________________ "When I fall in love, I take my time." - Jason Mraz "Can't sing but I've got soul." - U2

02-13-2009, 02:00 PM	#3
sidehop Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: NH USA Gender: Male Posts: 1,599	It's a bad sign when a relationship starts off with a lie. People 'can' change but their old habits will still be with them. You just cannot change that fact. Without involving your old friend, say that he never existed, is your husband someone you can see yourself being happy with with little work? I'm very sorry you're feeling this way everyday but I really feel you should focus on the marriage and not get distracted by your old friend. You could possibly be losing someone (your husband) that could've worked out even if you struggled rather than pointing fingers in one direction. But if you truly feel that he has deceived you and you two have differences that just cannot be resolved, then it's your decision to get a lawyer for a divorce. It's not up to him to tell you that you can or cannot divorce. That's absolutely ridiculous, you're not his property. This other friend of yours seem like a good person but again, your marriage should come first and not let him (friend) get in your way of making the right decision.

02-13-2009, 02:02 PM	#4
Tethys Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Golden State Posts: 2,165	If he lied to the point of misrepresenting himself, meaning fraud, you can have the marriage annulled and start over. Lying about his family, his job, and his whereabouts? I don't know where you live, so I don't know the laws, but if there is severe deception, you can have the marriage annulled in some states. If you can't do that, just divorce him, quickly and cleanly, as you have not been married long. I'm leaving the other guy out of it for now. I think you made a mistake and want out, and you should do whatever it takes. I don't care that he thinks it's "forever." He misrepresented himself and you don't need to follow it. Yes, you made a mistake marrying so quickly, but I won't beat you up about that. Just do what now what your gut tells you to do. I think you know what to do.

02-13-2009, 02:09 PM	#5
forever1476 Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 32	I was already feeling horrible about the decision I'd made prior to this "other guy" popping up....that's why I'm so confused....it seems like he was sent to assure me that there is hope for happiness out there. I'd already put my husband out on 2 different occassions but was a sucker and let him back in b/c I'm scared to death that God will punish me for not staying married and my husband always throws the bible in my face when I mention the idea of divorce. I have an aunt that's been married for 25 years now and she said her marriage started the same way but since she was pregnant, she stayed and now she's extremely happy she did stick it out. I'm not pregnant nor am I trying to get pregnant based on the circumstances. He already has 2 kids w/2 different woman that he barely keeps in touch with....I refuse to be the 3rd.

02-13-2009, 02:22 PM	#6
sidehop Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: NH USA Gender: Male Posts: 1,599	This is your life forever. If you truly feel that this marriage should not have happened, can you be certain that your feelings will change in the future? And as much as I don't want or anyone for that matter to push you into divorce, and ultimately it's your decision, but it seems as though you're really regretting the whole marriage. It shouldn't be that way. Every relationship whether it's long term or marriage involves work but not when there are so much lies and heartache involved. You need to decide for yourself what's going to make you happy at this point. If you've tried everything you possibly can as a couple but he does not change, you're only letting yourself feel bad about the situation and making things worse. Like Tethys said, if there are obvious and deliberate deceit on his part, you can get the marriage annulled as if nothing ever happened. What can he do? Other than fight in court over getting the marriage divorced or annulled he cannot hold you down from divorcing him. I can't imagine what you're going through, I'm sure you wanted happiness more than anything but to me it sounds like this is not the person you're going to be happy with. And yes, marriage is supposed to bring joy and happiness with a lot of work. It just seems as though you're putting in all the effort.

02-13-2009, 03:48 PM	#10
ttran Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 101	Your maybe feeling this way because of the other man back in your life. Now that you've talked to him, you might be seeing more and more things wrong with your husband. What I have learned by experiance is that you should take a break from both of them and you will realize who your really missing!