How to tell A man

thouse · 02-11-2009, 12:21 PM

That if marriage is not part of his plans, that you don't want to live with them. Me and my boyfriend have been together on and off for 6 years and we are supposed to be moving in together, I am 29 and he is 34. I feel like by now he should know whether he wants to marry me or not. I also feel like if we don't move in together that I should start dating other people because we are wasting each others time, what I need are suggestions on how to say this without making it sound like an ultimatum!!

CutmeRed · 02-11-2009, 12:32 PM

Not everyone wants marrige, they don't feel a piece of paper and cermony no one can really afford right now show they love a person.

thouse · 02-11-2009, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CutmeRed

Not everyone wants marrige, they don't feel a piece of paper and cermony no one can really afford right now show they love a person.

Not talking about tomorrow, but eventually and you are right everyone doesn't need marriage but I do. That's why we need to have this conversation because if he is one of those people, then he would need to find another person who can live like that.

PsychGirly · 02-11-2009, 12:37 PM

Why aren't you comfortable enough by now to just flat-out have the talk with him? 6-years is more than enough time together to bring marriage up, not even considering that you are both of age.

You have every right to be frustrated. If I were you, I would straight-out ask him if & when he's planning on getting married, & if you're anywhere in those plans. Tell him that you really love him/care about him, but you feel as though he's dragging you along & you don't really see a light at the end of this tunnel.

DropToZero · 02-11-2009, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CutmeRed

Not everyone wants marrige, they don't feel a piece of paper and cermony no one can really afford right now show they love a person.

It's not about a piece of paper and a ceremony, please learn a little about marriage before you let that deter you from ever experiencing something like it.

Marriage is about the commitment, a lifelong commitment, to stay and be with someone no matter what, and that description is within the vows. Its a test of character and the two persons that they can endure anything and everything ...together. Sadly, it's been destroyed by lazy and selfish people who decided they needed an -out...and it's divorce. That word there gives marriage a bad name... that and pre-nup. Marriage is truly about inviting God into your lives and your marriage to make it holy, not about tax breaks and little pieces of paper that say "we're legal."

To the OP, it's up to you... it's your life, if you feel he's wasting it by not being able to make a commitment, you make the choice of either moving on or waiting just hoping he'll come around. There's nothing new anyone else here can tell you about him, you know him better than any of us.

DN · 02-11-2009, 12:46 PM

If you think about it a marriage proposal is a sort of ultimatum - because if the offer is refused the relationship is usually over.

HeartGoesOn · 02-11-2009, 12:52 PM

I can see exactly where you're coming from. After six years of being together, if he can't see marriage in the future, I'm not sure if he ever will.

I would tell him that you're not comfortable moving in together without a ring on your finger, and the future decided. He'll either "shape up" and realize that he may lose you, or he'll move on. He has to understand that this arrangement is not for you, as your goal is marriage.

I have the same values as you do, and would never move in together without knowing what the future holds. Just my opinion.

All the best...

DN · 02-11-2009, 12:57 PM

Remember that marriage is not a right in a long-term relationship these days. Almost as many people live together without marriage as are married so it is a choice for people to make for themselves. It really isn't a question of 'shaping up' because that implies he is doing something wrong if he wants to live together without marriage.

It isn't wrong to want to be married but these days it isn't wrong to prefer not to.

What would be wrong is to mislead someone or pressure them into doing something they don't want to - which is why it is important to express what you want before moving in together.

thouse · 02-11-2009, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HeartGoesOn

I can see exactly where you're coming from. After six years of being together, if he can't see marriage in the future, I'm not sure if he ever will.

I would tell him that you're not comfortable moving in together without a ring on your finger, and the future decided. He'll either "shape up" and realize that he may lose you, or he'll move on. He has to understand that this arrangement is not for you, as your goal is marriage.

I have the same values as you do, and would never move in together without knowing what the future holds. Just my opinion.

All the best...

I agree I won't be comfortable moving in with him until I know what he wants to do in his future in terms of me. I have a 9 yr old son, and we don't have any kids together, I don't want to uproot him because things are uncertain.

thouse · 02-11-2009, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DN

Remember that marriage is not a right in a long-term relationship these days. Almost as many people live together without marriage as are married so it is a choice for people to make for themselves. It really isn't a question of 'shaping up' because that implies he is doing something wrong if he wants to live together without marriage.

It isn't wrong to want to be married but these days it isn't wrong to prefer not to.

What would be wrong is to mislead someone or pressure them into doing something they don't want to - which is why it is important to express what you want before moving in together.

I totally agree if he wants to stay unmarried there is nothing wrong with that, I just can't be in a relationship like that.

02-11-2009, 12:21 PM	#1
thouse Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Tampa Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 801	How to tell A man That if marriage is not part of his plans, that you don't want to live with them. Me and my boyfriend have been together on and off for 6 years and we are supposed to be moving in together, I am 29 and he is 34. I feel like by now he should know whether he wants to marry me or not. I also feel like if we don't move in together that I should start dating other people because we are wasting each others time, what I need are suggestions on how to say this without making it sound like an ultimatum!! __________________ "When Someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM"

02-11-2009, 12:32 PM	#2
CutmeRed Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: uk Gender: Male Posts: 28	Not everyone wants marrige, they don't feel a piece of paper and cermony no one can really afford right now show they love a person. __________________ BULLIES = COWARDS

02-11-2009, 12:37 PM	#4
PsychGirly Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: LOS ANGELES Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 2,207	Why aren't you comfortable enough by now to just flat-out have the talk with him? 6-years is more than enough time together to bring marriage up, not even considering that you are both of age. You have every right to be frustrated. If I were you, I would straight-out ask him if & when he's planning on getting married, & if you're anywhere in those plans. Tell him that you really love him/care about him, but you feel as though he's dragging you along & you don't really see a light at the end of this tunnel. __________________ "LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE NUMBER OF BREATHS WE TAKE, BUT BY THE NUMBER OF MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY."

02-11-2009, 12:46 PM	#6
DN Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,441	If you think about it a marriage proposal is a sort of ultimatum - because if the offer is refused the relationship is usually over. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

02-11-2009, 12:52 PM	#7
HeartGoesOn Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Massachusetts Gender: Female Posts: 2,658	I can see exactly where you're coming from. After six years of being together, if he can't see marriage in the future, I'm not sure if he ever will. I would tell him that you're not comfortable moving in together without a ring on your finger, and the future decided. He'll either "shape up" and realize that he may lose you, or he'll move on. He has to understand that this arrangement is not for you, as your goal is marriage. I have the same values as you do, and would never move in together without knowing what the future holds. Just my opinion. All the best... __________________ ~ Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance... I hope you dance. ~

02-11-2009, 12:57 PM	#8
DN Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,441	Remember that marriage is not a right in a long-term relationship these days. Almost as many people live together without marriage as are married so it is a choice for people to make for themselves. It really isn't a question of 'shaping up' because that implies he is doing something wrong if he wants to live together without marriage. It isn't wrong to want to be married but these days it isn't wrong to prefer not to. What would be wrong is to mislead someone or pressure them into doing something they don't want to - which is why it is important to express what you want before moving in together. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".