Living with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

chick · 02-09-2009, 02:28 AM

I know this has probably been done a million times, but I have realised that the current relationship I'm in just isn't working, and it seems to get worse and worse. We have a little baby together, and he recently quit his job - now I'm back working again (I don't want to as I was the 'stay at home mum') and the same issues we've always had are coming up again plus some.

I know I'm a terrible person for spying on my partner, but I was following my gut instinct, and things seemed to contradict what he was saying in one way or another - then to top it off, I received an email from an anonymous person saying that he was cheating on me.

I have my proof - and yes, he had cheated/is cheating on me...

I am falling apart but can't say anything because he has NPD - so it's lose lose either way.

If I confront him then I will have to divulge that I spied on him - and that will turn him on me. He is very emotionally manipulative and there have been times where I would have preferred a fist in the face than what I've had to endure.

But I'm still here for the moment... because I need to think of my little one and all I can do is prepare, save money and when things are right (hopefully not much longer) then I can bring it all out.

Either way, when I am the one to break it off with him - that will instantly make me the enemy.

Irony is I love him with all of my heart - but I'm in utter disbelief that he could do this to me... so blatantly lie to my face, disrespect me and our baby and undermine me. I have done nothing but cook, clean, love, support, provide for this man and when he is good - he is brilliant... but as another poster had said 30% good times, 70% bad.

I really need to hear from others who have been (or who are) in a similar situation and would like the opportunity to talk further. Please, help me... help me find the strength to get through these next few months and come out the other side for the betterment of me and my little one.

Blue Streak · 02-09-2009, 03:13 AM

Does your husband not care for the little one?

sandrawg · 02-09-2009, 03:20 AM

You do everything in the relationship? Have you read about codependency? It sounds like you're being walked on-that's not really love.

People with NPD can be abusive-I was with a narcissistic abuser. Does he ever verbally or emotionally abuse you? If so, how can your raise your child in that environment?

sugar_britches · 02-09-2009, 06:14 AM

Hiya,

First of all ((((hugs)))) it sounds like you need them right now. I think i am in a similar position to you but at the moment i am wondering whether my other half is passive aggressive or narcissistic. Ive been married 22 years to my fella and have 2 wonderful children with him. I have always felt that something is not quite right with him and to be honest have felt like a single mother for most of the time and had long bouts where i have felt extremely lonely.

He cheated on me too some 12 years ago and only confessed because i was seconds away from hearing it from his bit on the sides husband. He apologised once for his mistake and because i didnt automatically forgive and forget he took his apology right back and told me how i was to blame for it all.

He has struggled with one addiction after another, if it wasnt gambling it was his obsession with online gaming. Dare i tell him it upsets me? If i want weeks of the silent treatment maybe!

He is only happy when i behave like a Stepford wife!

I was co-dependent. Nursed my mum till she died 6 years ago due to alcohol related health problems and now have a father who is an alcholic. I have been through counselling and done a lot of work on me over the past 6 years and feeling like i have moved on but hubby cannot see why things need to change.

His answer to everything is why change something thats worked for the past 22 years.

My reply is because he will lose me if it doesnt.

BeStrongBeHappy · 02-09-2009, 03:22 PM

Remember that he is only in control if you play into his game.

Make your plans, and have it all worked out before you tell him. Have another place to live all worked out, movers called, ready to go.

Then tell him that someone emailed you and told you he was cheating, and that you investigated and found out it was true so you are leaving. End of discussion, and that you refuse to talk to him about it any more, it is over.

He will most likely erupt in a rage, so you might want to have this conversation in a safe place, in public, or after you've already moved out.

Then make your only contact with him to do with any issues involving the baby. Make sure you have talked to someone about custody issues and how to handle them before you even talk to him about this.

The trick with a manipulative person is to not play their game, and to interact with them as little as possible. You might get lucky if he has a new girlfriend and goes goes and moves in with her and leaves you alone.

mca1975 · 02-10-2009, 11:23 AM

Why do people say, " he has NPD", like its an illness? It makes it sound like it's not their fault. I mean I know it can be seen as a mental illness in a way, but its basically just someone who is an absolute a***hole and doesnt know how to treat people. But then again, its up to you to not ACCEPT being treated like that. I have only just found true love after enduring lots of bad relationships and the difference is astounding. He would never do or say anything to hurt me.

Save some money and leave this man, don't tell him you are leaving until after you have left. Good Luck, you shouldn't have to stay and endure this any longer. You may feel total relief once you have left, sound nice?

Much love xxx

chick · 02-12-2009, 10:00 PM

thank you all for your comments as they give me strength. i have just found out he potentially has an std now too... the more i find, the more it fuels my motivation to get things sorted out for me and my little one.

ruffles · 02-12-2009, 10:23 PM

I'm curious, has he been diagnosed with NPD?

The good thing about that is that when you're ready to leave him he may try to get at you for a while, but when he realizes that you truly are going to ignore him he'll focus on this other woman to feed his ego, or find another source if she's not satisfactory enough. The bad thing is that you share a child with him, so that makes things difficult -- no clean getaway.

But as someone else has stated, in all interactions once you do leave him, be short, concise, focus only on your child, and otherwise be vague and do not engage. You don't have to tell him you know of his cheating. You don't really have to tell him anything, other than it's over.

Does he go into rages, temper tantrums, etc?

amipushy · 02-13-2009, 09:15 PM

I have studied the NPD in detail and if he is a true diagnosed NPD I recommend you leave him and never look back. Protect yourself and your child.

chick · 02-16-2009, 03:53 AM

He hasn't been diagnosed, but i work with a psychiatrist who knows him and she has 'unofficially' diagnosed him. After researching it, it all made sense, because he has been a rollercoaster ride since day one...

He can talk for hours on end about how much he loves me and our family and how we are his everything, then he says to other women online that he is single, and that I'm just a clingy ex.

Since researching and being more aware of what is happening around me and to me - ie. npd and my snooping... i have found out he has lied to my face many many times and not just to me... he has had 'pseudo' relationships with other women since 3 months after our sons birth and I'm using what little time I have of an evening pondering where I want to be with my son, where to go etc. Plans are coming together - it's just hard to stay distant to a degree because i love him so and want more than anything to believe what he says to me - but they're all lies.

I agree with ruffles - he will get at me when we seperate... when we last seperated, he would say that I caused the break up... that it was my choice, my fault...

I know it's all going to get worse rather than better.

I'm going to continue with my plan - my birthday being a cut off point. A little present to me and my son if you will. I thank you all for your advice, and I plan on taking it whole heartedly. Send me strength... x

02-09-2009, 02:28 AM	#1
chick Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 17	Living with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) I know this has probably been done a million times, but I have realised that the current relationship I'm in just isn't working, and it seems to get worse and worse. We have a little baby together, and he recently quit his job - now I'm back working again (I don't want to as I was the 'stay at home mum') and the same issues we've always had are coming up again plus some. I know I'm a terrible person for spying on my partner, but I was following my gut instinct, and things seemed to contradict what he was saying in one way or another - then to top it off, I received an email from an anonymous person saying that he was cheating on me. I have my proof - and yes, he had cheated/is cheating on me... I am falling apart but can't say anything because he has NPD - so it's lose lose either way. If I confront him then I will have to divulge that I spied on him - and that will turn him on me. He is very emotionally manipulative and there have been times where I would have preferred a fist in the face than what I've had to endure. But I'm still here for the moment... because I need to think of my little one and all I can do is prepare, save money and when things are right (hopefully not much longer) then I can bring it all out. Either way, when I am the one to break it off with him - that will instantly make me the enemy. Irony is I love him with all of my heart - but I'm in utter disbelief that he could do this to me... so blatantly lie to my face, disrespect me and our baby and undermine me. I have done nothing but cook, clean, love, support, provide for this man and when he is good - he is brilliant... but as another poster had said 30% good times, 70% bad. I really need to hear from others who have been (or who are) in a similar situation and would like the opportunity to talk further. Please, help me... help me find the strength to get through these next few months and come out the other side for the betterment of me and my little one.

02-10-2009, 11:23 AM	#6
mca1975 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: London Gender: Female Posts: 2,302	Why do people say, " he has NPD", like its an illness? It makes it sound like it's not their fault. I mean I know it can be seen as a mental illness in a way, but its basically just someone who is an absolute a***hole and doesnt know how to treat people. But then again, its up to you to not ACCEPT being treated like that. I have only just found true love after enduring lots of bad relationships and the difference is astounding. He would never do or say anything to hurt me. Save some money and leave this man, don't tell him you are leaving until after you have left. Good Luck, you shouldn't have to stay and endure this any longer. You may feel total relief once you have left, sound nice? Much love xxx __________________ mca1975 x

02-09-2009, 03:13 AM	#2
Blue Streak Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Arizona Gender: Male Posts: 541	Does your husband not care for the little one?

02-09-2009, 03:20 AM	#3
sandrawg Offline Silver Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Gender: Female Posts: 696	You do everything in the relationship? Have you read about codependency? It sounds like you're being walked on-that's not really love. People with NPD can be abusive-I was with a narcissistic abuser. Does he ever verbally or emotionally abuse you? If so, how can your raise your child in that environment?

02-09-2009, 06:14 AM	#4
sugar_britches Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 84	Hiya, First of all ((((hugs)))) it sounds like you need them right now. I think i am in a similar position to you but at the moment i am wondering whether my other half is passive aggressive or narcissistic. Ive been married 22 years to my fella and have 2 wonderful children with him. I have always felt that something is not quite right with him and to be honest have felt like a single mother for most of the time and had long bouts where i have felt extremely lonely. He cheated on me too some 12 years ago and only confessed because i was seconds away from hearing it from his bit on the sides husband. He apologised once for his mistake and because i didnt automatically forgive and forget he took his apology right back and told me how i was to blame for it all. He has struggled with one addiction after another, if it wasnt gambling it was his obsession with online gaming. Dare i tell him it upsets me? If i want weeks of the silent treatment maybe! He is only happy when i behave like a Stepford wife! I was co-dependent. Nursed my mum till she died 6 years ago due to alcohol related health problems and now have a father who is an alcholic. I have been through counselling and done a lot of work on me over the past 6 years and feeling like i have moved on but hubby cannot see why things need to change. His answer to everything is why change something thats worked for the past 22 years. My reply is because he will lose me if it doesnt.

02-09-2009, 03:22 PM	#5
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,413	Remember that he is only in control if you play into his game. Make your plans, and have it all worked out before you tell him. Have another place to live all worked out, movers called, ready to go. Then tell him that someone emailed you and told you he was cheating, and that you investigated and found out it was true so you are leaving. End of discussion, and that you refuse to talk to him about it any more, it is over. He will most likely erupt in a rage, so you might want to have this conversation in a safe place, in public, or after you've already moved out. Then make your only contact with him to do with any issues involving the baby. Make sure you have talked to someone about custody issues and how to handle them before you even talk to him about this. The trick with a manipulative person is to not play their game, and to interact with them as little as possible. You might get lucky if he has a new girlfriend and goes goes and moves in with her and leaves you alone.

02-12-2009, 10:00 PM	#7
chick Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 17	thank you all for your comments as they give me strength. i have just found out he potentially has an std now too... the more i find, the more it fuels my motivation to get things sorted out for me and my little one.

02-12-2009, 10:23 PM	#8
ruffles Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 301	I'm curious, has he been diagnosed with NPD? The good thing about that is that when you're ready to leave him he may try to get at you for a while, but when he realizes that you truly are going to ignore him he'll focus on this other woman to feed his ego, or find another source if she's not satisfactory enough. The bad thing is that you share a child with him, so that makes things difficult -- no clean getaway. But as someone else has stated, in all interactions once you do leave him, be short, concise, focus only on your child, and otherwise be vague and do not engage. You don't have to tell him you know of his cheating. You don't really have to tell him anything, other than it's over. Does he go into rages, temper tantrums, etc?

02-13-2009, 09:15 PM	#9
amipushy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 1,823	I have studied the NPD in detail and if he is a true diagnosed NPD I recommend you leave him and never look back. Protect yourself and your child.

02-16-2009, 03:53 AM	#10
chick Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 17	He hasn't been diagnosed, but i work with a psychiatrist who knows him and she has 'unofficially' diagnosed him. After researching it, it all made sense, because he has been a rollercoaster ride since day one... He can talk for hours on end about how much he loves me and our family and how we are his everything, then he says to other women online that he is single, and that I'm just a clingy ex. Since researching and being more aware of what is happening around me and to me - ie. npd and my snooping... i have found out he has lied to my face many many times and not just to me... he has had 'pseudo' relationships with other women since 3 months after our sons birth and I'm using what little time I have of an evening pondering where I want to be with my son, where to go etc. Plans are coming together - it's just hard to stay distant to a degree because i love him so and want more than anything to believe what he says to me - but they're all lies. I agree with ruffles - he will get at me when we seperate... when we last seperated, he would say that I caused the break up... that it was my choice, my fault... I know it's all going to get worse rather than better. I'm going to continue with my plan - my birthday being a cut off point. A little present to me and my son if you will. I thank you all for your advice, and I plan on taking it whole heartedly. Send me strength... x