Divorce and a newborn

gasu200382 · 02-07-2009, 10:50 PM

This is the first post I've ever done, but think its time to try some new things. First I'll give some background to my situation. I have been married to my husband for 3 years and been together for 5. I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship that he has been nothing but a wonderful father to. Although I loved this man dearly I would have to say that we were sexually mismatched and within the last year have struggled to maintain passion in our sex life. This inturn contributed to me having a year long affair. Last summer I got pregnant and was unsure of the father, but intended to keep this from my husband and continue the pregnancy without his knowledge of the affair. Midway through the pregnancy, and some therapy, I decided I should tell my husband and after a brief seperation decided to try and work things out. During the seperation however, I selfishly decided to continue my affair. I did not think of anyone's needs but my own and continued with something I vowed I would end. Shorlty after my husband moved back in, I did end the affair and was enjoying my husband and rebuilding our relationship while planning the birth of the baby. However, he discovered emails confirming that I continued the affair and immediatly moved out and began looking into divorce. I understand that this entire situation is my fault completly and I have ruined his, mine, and two children's lives over basically sex. I have since had the baby and we will be taking a paternity test, but in the mean time am struggling to find a way in coping with all the changes at once. Does anyone have any advice, articles, books, movies, etc to help me in getting through this and growing in a positive way?

beejcee · 02-07-2009, 11:10 PM

i am on the other side of this issue -- going through a divorce due to my husband's repeated infidelity.

these are the things that have helped me:

connecting with other people who have had similar experiences on message boards like this

reading books and articles about infidelity, divorce, etc.

crying OFTEN to caring friends who were willing to listen

thinking, reflecting and journaling to learn how and why this happened and my role in the situation

and most importantly, working with a good psychologist (for me this has been the most important component).

despite being on the opposite sides of a similar situation, i believe the same things will help both of us.

take care.

Hayles · 02-07-2009, 11:38 PM

Accepting your responsibility in any given situation is always the first step to moving forward. The other important thing is working out where exactly the marriage went wrong, was it passion in the sexual sense of the word that was lacking, or was it more about all round affection and attention and spontenaity that was absent?

**avman** · 02-07-2009, 11:53 PM

You mentioned you've had some therapy. Are you continuing that therapy? If not, I'd really recommend it. And be completely honest with your therapist so you can sort out what you really need from a relationship and find healthy ways to go about getting it.

You might try the book "How to Heal From a Painful Relationship". It is pretty good about giving you some techniques to get through things and find forgiveness for yourself.

BeStrongBeHappy · 02-08-2009, 08:00 AM

I do think the best course for you is to continue to attend therapy to understand why you would risk so much that was important to you for sex. That is obviously very self destructive and self sabotaging, so the most important thing to do is to get some therapy to help you through this tough time and prevent you from following a similar path in future and continuing to sabotage your relationships.

I would get some books on overcoming infidelity and understanding infidelty to help you understand your motivation and how to cope with this. Unfortunately you will have to try to focus on damage control and what is important now, which is your new baby and older son, and try to keep a stable and happy life for them.

If the baby is your husbands there is small chance he might take you back and work on the marriage, but if it is the lovers most likely you will have to accept that your husband is gone for good. So i think the results of the paternity test will help move this along, and you can get on with your life and move on as best you can by trying to form a stable parenting relationship with the baby's father.

02-07-2009, 10:50 PM	#1
gasu200382 Offline Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Atlanta, GA Gender: Female Posts: 1	Divorce and a newborn This is the first post I've ever done, but think its time to try some new things. First I'll give some background to my situation. I have been married to my husband for 3 years and been together for 5. I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship that he has been nothing but a wonderful father to. Although I loved this man dearly I would have to say that we were sexually mismatched and within the last year have struggled to maintain passion in our sex life. This inturn contributed to me having a year long affair. Last summer I got pregnant and was unsure of the father, but intended to keep this from my husband and continue the pregnancy without his knowledge of the affair. Midway through the pregnancy, and some therapy, I decided I should tell my husband and after a brief seperation decided to try and work things out. During the seperation however, I selfishly decided to continue my affair. I did not think of anyone's needs but my own and continued with something I vowed I would end. Shorlty after my husband moved back in, I did end the affair and was enjoying my husband and rebuilding our relationship while planning the birth of the baby. However, he discovered emails confirming that I continued the affair and immediatly moved out and began looking into divorce. I understand that this entire situation is my fault completly and I have ruined his, mine, and two children's lives over basically sex. I have since had the baby and we will be taking a paternity test, but in the mean time am struggling to find a way in coping with all the changes at once. Does anyone have any advice, articles, books, movies, etc to help me in getting through this and growing in a positive way?

02-07-2009, 11:38 PM	#3
Hayles Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: NSW, Aust Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 345	Accepting your responsibility in any given situation is always the first step to moving forward. The other important thing is working out where exactly the marriage went wrong, was it passion in the sexual sense of the word that was lacking, or was it more about all round affection and attention and spontenaity that was absent? __________________ Who do you run to when the shoulder you usually lean on is the one that broke your heart?

02-07-2009, 11:53 PM	#4
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	You mentioned you've had some therapy. Are you continuing that therapy? If not, I'd really recommend it. And be completely honest with your therapist so you can sort out what you really need from a relationship and find healthy ways to go about getting it. You might try the book "How to Heal From a Painful Relationship". It is pretty good about giving you some techniques to get through things and find forgiveness for yourself. __________________ "Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." Desmond Tutu

02-07-2009, 11:10 PM	#2
beejcee Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: PA Gender: Female Posts: 169	i am on the other side of this issue -- going through a divorce due to my husband's repeated infidelity. these are the things that have helped me: connecting with other people who have had similar experiences on message boards like this reading books and articles about infidelity, divorce, etc. crying OFTEN to caring friends who were willing to listen thinking, reflecting and journaling to learn how and why this happened and my role in the situation and most importantly, working with a good psychologist (for me this has been the most important component). despite being on the opposite sides of a similar situation, i believe the same things will help both of us. take care.

02-08-2009, 08:00 AM	#5
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,415	I do think the best course for you is to continue to attend therapy to understand why you would risk so much that was important to you for sex. That is obviously very self destructive and self sabotaging, so the most important thing to do is to get some therapy to help you through this tough time and prevent you from following a similar path in future and continuing to sabotage your relationships. I would get some books on overcoming infidelity and understanding infidelty to help you understand your motivation and how to cope with this. Unfortunately you will have to try to focus on damage control and what is important now, which is your new baby and older son, and try to keep a stable and happy life for them. If the baby is your husbands there is small chance he might take you back and work on the marriage, but if it is the lovers most likely you will have to accept that your husband is gone for good. So i think the results of the paternity test will help move this along, and you can get on with your life and move on as best you can by trying to form a stable parenting relationship with the baby's father.