My boyfriend's brother drives me crazy....

I'm sorry this is so long.... =[

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half now, with the past seven months long-distance. I haven't actually seen him now for a little over five months, but everything has been going great! We talk every night for about an hour, and I trust him completely so the distance usually doesn't bother me except when I start to feel a bit lonely. My problem only problem is that his brother is a complete jerk.

I can't stand being around him, and it bothers me that my boyfriend pretty much idolizes him. Not only does his brother make racist remarks, but he also seems to have something against women. He abandoned his daughter and girlfriend, refusing to even have his name on his daughter's birth certificate. My boyfriend's family just pretend like she doesn't exist. I find this just completely wrong! It makes me uncomfortable to even be around my boyfriend's brother. In the past he has used my boyfriend's MySpace to spread rumors about me and my boyfriend. But my boyfriend doesn't seem to have a problem with any of this because he thinks he brother is the best guy ever.

And today is my day off, so I happened to be on MySpace and saw that my boyfriend was "online now" which I knew could not possibly be because he was at work. So I called my boyfriend and he said that his brother goes on his MySpace all the time. I couldn't believe that he was still letting his brother use his MySpace and told him it would make me feel better if his brother did not have access to his MySpace because of what he has done in the past, and because I don't like the idea of him reading our conversations over MySpace.

The only time I have ever heard my boyfriend raise his voice was when someone cut him off on the highway, until today. He freaked out on me and was yelling at me saying that it was none of my business and he couldn't believe that I would get upset over a MySpace page. I was shocked! I told him it wasn't about MySpace it was about our personal business not being shared with his brother. He was so mad at me, I could not believe it! He told me his brother could do whatever he wants because it's his brother and his family and I would have to deal with it. He had to get back to work, but said he would talk to me later.

Am I wrong here? I mean, it wouldn't matter as much if it was anyone else. I wish that my boyfriend could for once agree with me that his brother shouldn't do something! His brother is allowed to be racist, sexist, and act like complete trash, and no one ever says anything! If I were to ever say any of the things his brother has said to me, back to him (although because he is not a woman most wouldn't apply), my boyfriend would break up with me on the spot. I'm so afraid that because we are so far away, that he will break up with me over this. I love him a lot, but his brother drives me insane.

What can I do?

Well, it certainly is obvious where you stand when it comes to your boyfriend and his brother. He will put his brother, who is an a**hole and a jerk, before you carte blanche, JUST because the guy is his brother. Furthermore, if he idolizes this guy as you say he does, then stay tuned for continually worse behavior from your boyfriend as he tries to emulate his idol.

Bottom line is family runs thick. And, if you have any ideas of marrying this boyfriend of yours, you will also be marrying his brother. Do not have any delusions that things are going to change, or that he will grow out of idolizing his brother. If you chose to stay with this guy, you must KNOW that things are always going to be the way they are now, and in fact are very likely to get worse. You must KNOW that you will always take a second seat to his brother, and perhaps as time goes on to other things and/or people in his life. You must KNOW that you are NOT the most important person to him, his brother is. And you must ACCEPT all of these things and take them in stride because the second you start to make any kind of fuss about it, you will find yourself out on the street alone.

So, with all this in mind, you will have to make the decision whether it is worth it, or whether you are worth more than to be someone's second fiddle.

You may not be wrong, but that doesn't mean you can win.

Good rule of thumb when dealing with an SO's family; assume that until there's a wedding ring on your finger, the people who've raised or who've been raised with your SO will always rank first. Whether they 'should' or not is an interesting debate, but it's not relevant to how your SO perceives his own family.

If the guy doesn't mean all that much to you, you can give him the boot. On the other hand, if you really want to keep this guy and not suffer a future of being treated as the hated infiltrator by his family, your best bet is to be apologetic to the BF and charming to his brother--from this day forward. Otherwise, you'll only be fighting a war that you can never win. BF's made that perfectly clear.

In your corner.