sent letter to ex...feels freeing ..also taking more buddhist appoach to future relationships.

canali · 01-28-2009, 01:06 PM

my ex gal and i broke up in sept after almost 2 yr together...you know how ''they'' say to write out letters but not to send them...well i did alot of that in the beginning in my journal (very cathartic/depressurizing...try it people)...but things emotionally have settled for me and yet I felt frozen in many ways..ie couldn't move on.....so i sent her a 3 pager yesterday...it had both some anger in it (she said she never loved me in sept but last week sent me an facebook invite saying she missed me as a friend...so I had words on that)...but i also went into showing my appreciation for the times we had and the regrets I also had (and what I wish we BOTH could have done differently)...in the end i said regardless of what transpires over this maybe down the road we can become friends....so if she loves me and wants to work at things again she'll call (part of me hopes for such)...but another part of me more or less accepts i need to move on and is trying to do just that, so the letter also has helped with that, too.

Second, in my next relationship I'll try a more ''buddhist'; approach to relationships...ie also outlined in Bruce Fisher's classic 'Rebuilding' book
on not seeking your partner as ''the one'' and with whom you can spend the future together (wayyyyy too much pressure and idealizing going on) but instead to try to enter in with few expectations being in the PRESENT and asking if you and s/he can spend some quality time together...if you do that alone takes care of the future...i know such a mindset is easier said than done as we all crave emotional stability/predicability, but i have been reading alot on uncertainty lately (also susan jeffer's works, ''feel the fear and do it anyway'' and ''embracing uncertainty'' and there is alot to be said for this more fluid flexible mindset...esp in these troubling times.

can anyone relate to either segment of my post?

purpleduckie · 01-28-2009, 01:19 PM

i can relate to the first one. but i have no idea wuts going on in the 2nd lol. i did a lot of "writing it to myself" when my ex and i first broke up... but then one day i just decided to send him a hate/love/goodbye mail. in hindsight, i probably wouldn't want to be quoted by things in that letter.. hah, i was quite nasty but at the same time, i don't really care anymore and the letter got my anger out and that was pretty much my only concern.

now, my ex treated me really badly so i think it was fair for me to do that to him... but sometimes, in our pain, we dont see the other person's pain and it could've hurt her more than you'd want.. you know? but eh, they're ex'es. the past. gonee.

aeschylus · 01-28-2009, 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by canali

my ex gal and i broke up in sept after almost 2 yr together...you know how ''they'' say to write out letters but not to send them...well i did alot of that in the beginning in my journal (very cathartic/depressurizing...try it people)...but things emotionally have settled for me and yet I felt frozen in many ways..ie couldn't move on.....so i sent her a 3 pager yesterday...it had both some anger in it (she said she never loved me in sept but last week sent me an facebook invite saying she missed me as a friend...so I had words on that)...but i also went into showing my appreciation for the times we had and the regrets I also had (and what I wish we BOTH could have done differently)...in the end i said regardless of what transpires over this maybe down the road we can become friends....so if she loves me and wants to work at things again she'll call (part of me hopes for such)...but another part of me more or less accepts i need to move on and is trying to do just that, so the letter also has helped with that, too.

Second, in my next relationship I'll try a more ''buddhist'; approach to relationships...ie also outlined in Bruce Fisher's classic 'Rebuilding' book
on not seeking your partner as ''the one'' and with whom you can spend the future together (wayyyyy too much pressure and idealizing going on) but instead to try to enter in with few expectations being in the PRESENT and asking if you and s/he can spend some quality time together...if you do that alone takes care of the future...i know such a mindset is easier said than done as we all crave emotional stability/predicability, but i have been reading alot on uncertainty lately (also susan jeffer's works, ''feel the fear and do it anyway'' and ''embracing uncertainty'' and there is alot to be said for this more fluid flexible mindset...esp in these troubling times.

can anyone relate to either segment of my post?

I did the same things in the immediate aftermath of my break up. First I wrote in a journal. Then I felt like I had to give her a letter. She didn't respond and I guess I didn't expect her to, but hoped she would.

And per your buddhist approach to relationships, I think you are right on. Sometimes not looking for something is the best way to get it. I think that's because (and forgive my nerdiness) the way we look at things changes them. In physics this is Heisenberg's uncertainty princple and quantum theory - the act of observation changes things. Relationships are like that - when we begin to label them "the one" it changes everything - from our relationship to that person to the way that person views us. And when we go "looking for love" it doesn't emerge organically but can sometimes be forced on someone that isn't right for us.

thejigsup · 01-28-2009, 01:49 PM

I always, always, use the Buddhist approach to relationships. I tend to live in the NOW with relationships, so this works for me. I don't plan any future with anyone, that has always bitten me in the butt, I just go day to day. My bf and I are going on 10 years together and I still don't plan on marriage of the future with us. If it happens, great! If it doesn't, I didn't have my heart or mind set on anything anyway. You kind of have to be able to detach from the relationship to some extent, but it's worth it. Neither of you feels any pressure and you end up giving even more to each other. It's a good plan.

Fitchik · 01-28-2009, 02:00 PM

I can not relate the first part, but the second YES!

I too am taking the approach to my life, my relationships, my ... well, everything with a sense of being in the now. This coming from a Type A person is quiet difficult. But..if I can re-train my brain to be in the now, and not worry so much about what the future holds I believe that life for me, in or out of a relationship, will be much calmer and, well happier!

That really is the bottom line for me. To find the approach to life that makes me happy. And being in the now, is really what is going to get me there!

Good Luck!

aeschylus · 01-28-2009, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Misskitty16

I sent mine a letter, too, when we split. I got no response and still dont' regret sending it.

I don't think a letter makes any difference. Doesn't make or break your chances of them coming back.

Your right but it can help you feel like you told them everything you needed to say. And that can mean a lot. It did for me.

Of course, I later found out that she cheated on me....so there's always that

canali · 01-28-2009, 02:55 PM

yeah while I'm trying to be more open hearted in my approach i realize that I am human, too, and she did say some mean things to me in the end...heck I'm not jesus or buddha...that said, i am trying to be forgiving to both myself and towards her...yoga and meditation, journalling have all helped immensely in this area....but if she had had an affair or stolen from me or done something really mean and selfish I don't know if this letter would have been as balanced as I have it....so I guess I'm lucky....people change ie what we like now or what worked now is not so always in the future (change and uncertainty make up the world, after all)....I mean given my background
(lost both parents at age 4) abandonment triggers alot of anger in me still...and I had to wrestle with these ''early tapes'' vs being present situated.

fisher in his book (and others have mentioned this, too) that given she and was only 5 yr out of a divorce (15 yr married and he cheated on her for a number of yrs) she still has some issues (as does her daughter) to work through...she has never gone into therapy nor wanted to after her/hubby broke up...i mean to be fair we ALL have issues, man...it's just being AWARE of them so they don't lead us around.

evo12 · 01-28-2009, 02:57 PM

I have also been attracted to buddhist philosophies after my relationship ended, right now I'm reading a really great book- it's called the five things we can not change and the happiness we find by embracing them by david richo. The five points are: 1) Everything changes and ends, 2) Things do not always go according to plan, 3) Life is not always fair, 4) Pain is part of life, 5) People are not loving and loyal all the time. It's really helped me with the breakup and now in starting to date again.

thorpe · 01-28-2009, 03:04 PM

I think we all write letters to our exs and many have sent them too, but in the heat of the moment we can write some pretty stupid things so it's probably best to only send the one's you write when you've cooled down. My ex and I now exchange newsy emails, you know stuff like "started a new job", or " do you remember so and so, well she just had her second kid".

I think your second point is exactly the way to approach a relationship. Live in the now and make that as good as it can be.

canali · 01-28-2009, 03:21 PM

living in the now vs what our society reinforces upon us with ''live happily ever after'' mythologies.....there is always that dual pressure, isn't there?
I mean I can speak to any one of a number of women who still believe in ONE soulmate out there for them and also in living happily ever after...plus in our society we're still impressed upon gender ideals of ''men want a sex symbol'' vs ''women want a success symbol''.

basically what I'm getting at are the amt of EXPECTATIONS these sorts of mindsets carry, whether it be what someone can/should give you or in how you want your future to be....last yr man I was suffering anxiety attacks and sleepless nights fearing job losses, etc (so will i be alone and old or broke are those goblins in my mind's recesses)...but even today the prospect of a job loss is even more prevalent...so what to do: prepare, keep up to date, have a 2nd strategy....and yet try not to worry/fear too much after that.

Easier said than done, I realize, as again, we're all creatures of habit and crave predictability in life...but life is NOT about predicability in many ways, too.

One thought I came across that was liberating is that: we are always alone
(doesn't mean LONELY) even when we're with someone we're still in our own heads/spirits...so being more self sufficient and appreciating that vs feeling freaked out over it.

one of susan jeffer's lines in the ''feel the fear and do it anyway'' and ''embracing uncertainty'' is her attitude of ''maybe it will and maybe it won't'' approach...that is freeing....as what you think/expect/want doesn't necessarily happen and that more flexible mindset keeps you more fluid...hey i'm trying all I can!

01-28-2009, 01:06 PM	#1
canali Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Vancouver BC Gender: Male Posts: 754	sent bletter to ex...feels freeing..hope for a 'buddhist' no expectations/present approach to future my ex gal and i broke up in sept after almost 2 yr together...you know how ''they'' say to write out letters but not to send them...well i did alot of that in the beginning in my journal (very cathartic/depressurizing...try it people)...but things emotionally have settled for me and yet I felt frozen in many ways..ie couldn't move on.....so i sent her a 3 pager yesterday...it had both some anger in it (she said she never loved me in sept but last week sent me an facebook invite saying she missed me as a friend...so I had words on that)...but i also went into showing my appreciation for the times we had and the regrets I also had (and what I wish we BOTH could have done differently)...in the end i said regardless of what transpires over this maybe down the road we can become friends....so if she loves me and wants to work at things again she'll call (part of me hopes for such)...but another part of me more or less accepts i need to move on and is trying to do just that, so the letter also has helped with that, too. Second, in my next relationship I'll try a more ''buddhist'; approach to relationships...ie also outlined in Bruce Fisher's classic 'Rebuilding' book on not seeking your partner as ''the one'' and with whom you can spend the future together (wayyyyy too much pressure and idealizing going on) but instead to try to enter in with few expectations being in the PRESENT and asking if you and s/he can spend some quality time together...if you do that alone takes care of the future...i know such a mindset is easier said than done as we all crave emotional stability/predicability, but i have been reading alot on uncertainty lately (also susan jeffer's works, ''feel the fear and do it anyway'' and ''embracing uncertainty'' and there is alot to be said for this more fluid flexible mindset...esp in these troubling times. can anyone relate to either segment of my post? Last edited by canali; 01-28-2009 at 02:40 PM.

01-28-2009, 02:00 PM	#5
Fitchik Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Age: 39 Posts: 72	I can not relate the first part, but the second YES! I too am taking the approach to my life, my relationships, my ... well, everything with a sense of being in the now. This coming from a Type A person is quiet difficult. But..if I can re-train my brain to be in the now, and not worry so much about what the future holds I believe that life for me, in or out of a relationship, will be much calmer and, well happier! That really is the bottom line for me. To find the approach to life that makes me happy. And being in the now, is really what is going to get me there! Good Luck! __________________ “Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for fewer problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenges, wish for more wisdom.” - Earl Shoaf

01-28-2009, 01:19 PM	#2
purpleduckie Offline Gold Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 1,309	i can relate to the first one. but i have no idea wuts going on in the 2nd lol. i did a lot of "writing it to myself" when my ex and i first broke up... but then one day i just decided to send him a hate/love/goodbye mail. in hindsight, i probably wouldn't want to be quoted by things in that letter.. hah, i was quite nasty but at the same time, i don't really care anymore and the letter got my anger out and that was pretty much my only concern. now, my ex treated me really badly so i think it was fair for me to do that to him... but sometimes, in our pain, we dont see the other person's pain and it could've hurt her more than you'd want.. you know? but eh, they're ex'es. the past. gonee.

01-28-2009, 01:49 PM	#4
thejigsup Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Gender: Female Age: 53 Posts: 4,126	I always, always, use the Buddhist approach to relationships. I tend to live in the NOW with relationships, so this works for me. I don't plan any future with anyone, that has always bitten me in the butt, I just go day to day. My bf and I are going on 10 years together and I still don't plan on marriage of the future with us. If it happens, great! If it doesn't, I didn't have my heart or mind set on anything anyway. You kind of have to be able to detach from the relationship to some extent, but it's worth it. Neither of you feels any pressure and you end up giving even more to each other. It's a good plan.

01-28-2009, 02:55 PM	#7
canali Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Vancouver BC Gender: Male Posts: 754	yeah while I'm trying to be more open hearted in my approach i realize that I am human, too, and she did say some mean things to me in the end...heck I'm not jesus or buddha...that said, i am trying to be forgiving to both myself and towards her...yoga and meditation, journalling have all helped immensely in this area....but if she had had an affair or stolen from me or done something really mean and selfish I don't know if this letter would have been as balanced as I have it....so I guess I'm lucky....people change ie what we like now or what worked now is not so always in the future (change and uncertainty make up the world, after all)....I mean given my background (lost both parents at age 4) abandonment triggers alot of anger in me still...and I had to wrestle with these ''early tapes'' vs being present situated. fisher in his book (and others have mentioned this, too) that given she and was only 5 yr out of a divorce (15 yr married and he cheated on her for a number of yrs) she still has some issues (as does her daughter) to work through...she has never gone into therapy nor wanted to after her/hubby broke up...i mean to be fair we ALL have issues, man...it's just being AWARE of them so they don't lead us around.

01-28-2009, 02:57 PM	#8
evo12 Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 23	I have also been attracted to buddhist philosophies after my relationship ended, right now I'm reading a really great book- it's called the five things we can not change and the happiness we find by embracing them by david richo. The five points are: 1) Everything changes and ends, 2) Things do not always go according to plan, 3) Life is not always fair, 4) Pain is part of life, 5) People are not loving and loyal all the time. It's really helped me with the breakup and now in starting to date again.

01-28-2009, 03:04 PM	#9
thorpe Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: People's Republic, MA Gender: Male Posts: 183	I think we all write letters to our exs and many have sent them too, but in the heat of the moment we can write some pretty stupid things so it's probably best to only send the one's you write when you've cooled down. My ex and I now exchange newsy emails, you know stuff like "started a new job", or " do you remember so and so, well she just had her second kid". I think your second point is exactly the way to approach a relationship. Live in the now and make that as good as it can be.

01-28-2009, 03:21 PM	#10
canali Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Vancouver BC Gender: Male Posts: 754	living in the now vs what our society reinforces upon us with ''live happily ever after'' mythologies.....there is always that dual pressure, isn't there? I mean I can speak to any one of a number of women who still believe in ONE soulmate out there for them and also in living happily ever after...plus in our society we're still impressed upon gender ideals of ''men want a sex symbol'' vs ''women want a success symbol''. basically what I'm getting at are the amt of EXPECTATIONS these sorts of mindsets carry, whether it be what someone can/should give you or in how you want your future to be....last yr man I was suffering anxiety attacks and sleepless nights fearing job losses, etc (so will i be alone and old or broke are those goblins in my mind's recesses)...but even today the prospect of a job loss is even more prevalent...so what to do: prepare, keep up to date, have a 2nd strategy....and yet try not to worry/fear too much after that. Easier said than done, I realize, as again, we're all creatures of habit and crave predictability in life...but life is NOT about predicability in many ways, too. One thought I came across that was liberating is that: we are always alone (doesn't mean LONELY) even when we're with someone we're still in our own heads/spirits...so being more self sufficient and appreciating that vs feeling freaked out over it. one of susan jeffer's lines in the ''feel the fear and do it anyway'' and ''embracing uncertainty'' is her attitude of ''maybe it will and maybe it won't'' approach...that is freeing....as what you think/expect/want doesn't necessarily happen and that more flexible mindset keeps you more fluid...hey i'm trying all I can!