Is it a sexual addiction?

Starting Over · 01-27-2009, 01:52 PM

Let me preface with some history. I have been married for 4 years together 6. I'm 31 and my husband is 33. I'm currently pregnant with our first baby (23 weeks along).

In October 2007 I had met someone online (lets call him the fling) in another state and had started an online affair. I was extremely wrapped up in it spending a lot of time thru IM/text/ and phone calls communicating with this person. In May of 2008 My husband found out about it and I stopped ALL communication that day. My husband We had been going thru some rough times b/c of it. My husband was very upset and I never thought he would get over it. I had NOT met the fling in person it had only been on the phone. My husband would bring it up all the time- (normally once he had been drinking, and it would lead to fights) He refused to go to therapy with me and said he would just deal with it. It was the worst summer of my life.

During this time he didnt know but I had access to his email. He was communicating with my flings wife and I had been spying from time to time. he would never admit that he was still talking to her. Towards the end of summer I noticed that he was sending himself ads from craigslist of hookers. I was shocked and I didnt know what he was doing. I thought it was a direct result of how he was feeling about my online affair. I was very worried and suspicious about his behavior and I didnt know what to do. I just let it ride out and kept a close eye on him- (its very hard to do this and very trying when you are attempting to mend a relationship and you find out things like this BUT you cant talk about it).

I found out I was pregnant in September. I had also noticed on the verizon phone bill (which he didnt know i had access to as well) that he had called about 3 of them. The calls were only a minute or two. I still didnt think he met with any of them. I just didnt think he would do that.

I traveled quite a bit for work and in November 2008 while I was out of town I noticed where he had called another hooker (thanks verizon) when i was away. He also lied to me about a meeting he had to go to. That is when I knew. He had a hooker in our home while i was away and pregnant.

This led to a huge * * * * storm. Not only was I pregnant but I was also about to get fired from my job. I had no where to go and I didnt know what to do.
He denied everything of course. He said he called her over "to hang out" and that they didnt do anything sexual. He swore up and down. although he would not give me access to his shady bank account.

Finally I called the hooker myself and spoke with her. She said she gave him handjobs and blowjobs on no more that 3 or 4 occasions. I pressed her about sex and said he admitted to it- when I said that she agreed and said the sex only happened once.

My husband came clean and agreed with everything but the sex. He said she just blew him and gave him handjobs. it happened twice and hasnt happened with anyone else. He swore of course that he would never do it again and i could have access to all his accounts email, bank etc.... He wanted ME to just move on and hurry and get over it. Well once I had gone back and looked - he had been calling and contacting hookers since January 08 (from the phone records) AND I noticed that he had sent an email to one hooker when I was away from July of 2007 which was LONG before my online fling.

Its pretty much been hell for me since I found out. I dont trust him, probably never will again. He did agree to go to counseling now- its just been tough with everything and me being unemployed and pregnant.

I recently put a key logger program on his computer a couple weeks ago. He wasnt doing anything wrong- or so I thought (it sometimes doesnt send the reports right) But yesterday I noticed he had gone onto Craigslist and was looking at hookers ads again. Then he looked at porn online afterwards.

We have planned on seeing a therapist and we dont really talk about it anymore- I have to bring it up and its very uncomfortable. Although he brought up my online fling for about 9 months. How could this have been happening the whole time and me not know- and why is he doing it again? Is is just sexually arousing for him to look at their ads and fantasize about it? or does he really want to meet up with them again?

I will NEVER tell him about the program. I learned my lesson when I admitted I had his email password.

Can we work through this?

maritalbliss · 01-27-2009, 02:03 PM

I think it probably is a sex addiction - but I've had no experience with this personally so hopefully other people will post who have.

The reason why I think it is though, is because its been going on a long time now... before you even had the online affair yourself. But even that isn't enough to really say its an addiction.

you should read "my husband has a prostitute addiction" thread if you want some old good advice thats on here (search it cuz it really is old). It seems to be exactly what you're going through.

Definitely at least try counseling - but if it really is an addiction, and he just can't admit it, then I'm not sure anything good will come out of this.

Crazyaboutdogs · 01-27-2009, 02:04 PM

You two can only work through it if there are two willing partners who want to be honest with each other and committed to only each other. While you may have learned your lesson from your online affair, he clearly hasn't learned any lessons. Both of you have cheated on each other so there were clearly problems in the relationship at the time you are having your online affair. There doesn't seem to be trust on both sides. Do you want to save your marriage because you love him or is it because you are feeling frantic due to your pregnancy and unemployment? Do you have family to help you out?

maritalbliss · 01-27-2009, 02:06 PM

here, I found it faster than I thought I would be able to! I think it will really help you (since hookers=prostitutes...)

some are really discouraging to read but others say how they are working through it - in the least, you will feel like you're not alone.
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=138438

Starting Over · 01-27-2009, 02:08 PM

No I'm pretty much on my own. No family to help me. I dont have a whole lot of friends, not that I could really turn to. I've been very isolated since being involved with him and getting married.

I do want it to work out. I just dont know why he would still do this to me if he really loves me.

I understand that the looking isnt "really" doing anything wrong BUT when his looking leads to hookers in my house while I'm away, I DO have a problem with the looking.

orangesoda · 01-27-2009, 02:12 PM

Why not divorce? Or seperate? It's pretty obvious that neither of you is happy with the marriage. You cheated on him, he cheated on you, neither of you trusts the other person, you both hide and lie, and things seem to be going backwards instead of forward. It might be best to think about seperate futures.

mechie22 · 01-27-2009, 02:14 PM

First and foremost get yourself tested for std`s. If he was looking and calling and did it once what makes u think its only on this one occasion just because you caught him this time. Also it means he might have picked something up and its better to know for you and your baby`s health.

As for working it out unless he stops these behaviors there is no way for anything to rectify its self eventually. Also you are entitled to express your feelings and to have them in the first place, he created the situation and must now suffer the consequences. Its up to you if you want to work through this or not and if so it absolutely needs to be a 50-50 effort. Stand by your feelings when you bring them up, chances are if you apologize and doubt your own feelings he will disreguard them and brush them off.

Also whats a keylogger and where do i get one?

Crazyaboutdogs · 01-27-2009, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starting Over

No I'm pretty much on my own. No family to help me. I dont have a whole lot of friends, not that I could really turn to. I've been very isolated since being involved with him and getting married.

I do want it to work out. I just dont know why he would still do this to me if he really loves me.

I understand that the looking isnt "really" doing anything wrong BUT when his looking leads to hookers in my house while I'm away, I DO have a problem with the looking.

Why have you been isolated since being involved with him and getting married?

Starting Over · 01-27-2009, 02:23 PM

In Response to the earlier note- a key logger logs every keystroke on your computer. It records searches emails chats and websites visited. I used eblaster.com

Starting Over · 01-27-2009, 02:25 PM

To Crazyaboutdogs- He is an isolated person. He doesnt like people or being social at all. He pretty much hates all my friends and had a real problem with me doing anything on my own when we first met. He isnt like that so much anymore. It caused me to lose a lot of friends.

01-27-2009, 01:52 PM	#1
Starting Over Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 7	Is it a sexual addiction? Let me preface with some history. I have been married for 4 years together 6. I'm 31 and my husband is 33. I'm currently pregnant with our first baby (23 weeks along). In October 2007 I had met someone online (lets call him the fling) in another state and had started an online affair. I was extremely wrapped up in it spending a lot of time thru IM/text/ and phone calls communicating with this person. In May of 2008 My husband found out about it and I stopped ALL communication that day. My husband We had been going thru some rough times b/c of it. My husband was very upset and I never thought he would get over it. I had NOT met the fling in person it had only been on the phone. My husband would bring it up all the time- (normally once he had been drinking, and it would lead to fights) He refused to go to therapy with me and said he would just deal with it. It was the worst summer of my life. During this time he didnt know but I had access to his email. He was communicating with my flings wife and I had been spying from time to time. he would never admit that he was still talking to her. Towards the end of summer I noticed that he was sending himself ads from craigslist of hookers. I was shocked and I didnt know what he was doing. I thought it was a direct result of how he was feeling about my online affair. I was very worried and suspicious about his behavior and I didnt know what to do. I just let it ride out and kept a close eye on him- (its very hard to do this and very trying when you are attempting to mend a relationship and you find out things like this BUT you cant talk about it). I found out I was pregnant in September. I had also noticed on the verizon phone bill (which he didnt know i had access to as well) that he had called about 3 of them. The calls were only a minute or two. I still didnt think he met with any of them. I just didnt think he would do that. I traveled quite a bit for work and in November 2008 while I was out of town I noticed where he had called another hooker (thanks verizon) when i was away. He also lied to me about a meeting he had to go to. That is when I knew. He had a hooker in our home while i was away and pregnant. This led to a huge * * * * storm. Not only was I pregnant but I was also about to get fired from my job. I had no where to go and I didnt know what to do. He denied everything of course. He said he called her over "to hang out" and that they didnt do anything sexual. He swore up and down. although he would not give me access to his shady bank account. Finally I called the hooker myself and spoke with her. She said she gave him handjobs and blowjobs on no more that 3 or 4 occasions. I pressed her about sex and said he admitted to it- when I said that she agreed and said the sex only happened once. My husband came clean and agreed with everything but the sex. He said she just blew him and gave him handjobs. it happened twice and hasnt happened with anyone else. He swore of course that he would never do it again and i could have access to all his accounts email, bank etc.... He wanted ME to just move on and hurry and get over it. Well once I had gone back and looked - he had been calling and contacting hookers since January 08 (from the phone records) AND I noticed that he had sent an email to one hooker when I was away from July of 2007 which was LONG before my online fling. Its pretty much been hell for me since I found out. I dont trust him, probably never will again. He did agree to go to counseling now- its just been tough with everything and me being unemployed and pregnant. I recently put a key logger program on his computer a couple weeks ago. He wasnt doing anything wrong- or so I thought (it sometimes doesnt send the reports right) But yesterday I noticed he had gone onto Craigslist and was looking at hookers ads again. Then he looked at porn online afterwards. We have planned on seeing a therapist and we dont really talk about it anymore- I have to bring it up and its very uncomfortable. Although he brought up my online fling for about 9 months. How could this have been happening the whole time and me not know- and why is he doing it again? Is is just sexually arousing for him to look at their ads and fantasize about it? or does he really want to meet up with them again? I will NEVER tell him about the program. I learned my lesson when I admitted I had his email password. Can we work through this?

01-27-2009, 02:06 PM	#4
maritalbliss Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: TEXAS! Gender: Female Posts: 227	here, I found it faster than I thought I would be able to! I think it will really help you (since hookers=prostitutes...) some are really discouraging to read but others say how they are working through it - in the least, you will feel like you're not alone. http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=138438 Last edited by maritalbliss; 01-27-2009 at 02:08 PM. Reason: forgot to put the stupid thread in!!!

01-27-2009, 02:14 PM	#7
mechie22 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Bumble ***k new york Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 331	First and foremost get yourself tested for std`s. If he was looking and calling and did it once what makes u think its only on this one occasion just because you caught him this time. Also it means he might have picked something up and its better to know for you and your baby`s health. As for working it out unless he stops these behaviors there is no way for anything to rectify its self eventually. Also you are entitled to express your feelings and to have them in the first place, he created the situation and must now suffer the consequences. Its up to you if you want to work through this or not and if so it absolutely needs to be a 50-50 effort. Stand by your feelings when you bring them up, chances are if you apologize and doubt your own feelings he will disreguard them and brush them off. Also whats a keylogger and where do i get one? __________________ "Broken people are dangerous, they cant ever be re-broken"

01-27-2009, 02:03 PM	#2
maritalbliss Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: TEXAS! Gender: Female Posts: 227	I think it probably is a sex addiction - but I've had no experience with this personally so hopefully other people will post who have. The reason why I think it is though, is because its been going on a long time now... before you even had the online affair yourself. But even that isn't enough to really say its an addiction. you should read "my husband has a prostitute addiction" thread if you want some old good advice thats on here (search it cuz it really is old). It seems to be exactly what you're going through. Definitely at least try counseling - but if it really is an addiction, and he just can't admit it, then I'm not sure anything good will come out of this.

01-27-2009, 02:04 PM	#3
Crazyaboutdogs Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,631	You two can only work through it if there are two willing partners who want to be honest with each other and committed to only each other. While you may have learned your lesson from your online affair, he clearly hasn't learned any lessons. Both of you have cheated on each other so there were clearly problems in the relationship at the time you are having your online affair. There doesn't seem to be trust on both sides. Do you want to save your marriage because you love him or is it because you are feeling frantic due to your pregnancy and unemployment? Do you have family to help you out?

01-27-2009, 02:08 PM	#5
Starting Over Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 7	No I'm pretty much on my own. No family to help me. I dont have a whole lot of friends, not that I could really turn to. I've been very isolated since being involved with him and getting married. I do want it to work out. I just dont know why he would still do this to me if he really loves me. I understand that the looking isnt "really" doing anything wrong BUT when his looking leads to hookers in my house while I'm away, I DO have a problem with the looking.

01-27-2009, 02:12 PM	#6
orangesoda Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,094	Why not divorce? Or seperate? It's pretty obvious that neither of you is happy with the marriage. You cheated on him, he cheated on you, neither of you trusts the other person, you both hide and lie, and things seem to be going backwards instead of forward. It might be best to think about seperate futures.

01-27-2009, 02:23 PM	#9
Starting Over Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 7	In Response to the earlier note- a key logger logs every keystroke on your computer. It records searches emails chats and websites visited. I used eblaster.com

01-27-2009, 02:25 PM	#10
Starting Over Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 7	To Crazyaboutdogs- He is an isolated person. He doesnt like people or being social at all. He pretty much hates all my friends and had a real problem with me doing anything on my own when we first met. He isnt like that so much anymore. It caused me to lose a lot of friends.