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  1. #1
    Member looking_up's Avatar
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    Found dirty pics of his Ex on his computer

    I'm so incredibly confused. I wish I could talk to someone close to me but its so humiliating.

    I've been with my bf for over a year. It was LDR until last Nov.

    He moved most of his stuff in in Oct. I found nude pics of his ex in his junk drawer around that time. As horrible as it made me feel to see them, it was a bonafied junk drawer. I had no reason to not to believe him when he said he had no idea they were in there. He felt really bad and apologized up and down for me having seen something like that, and had me toss them out. I told him I found them through the IM. In the IM when I first said I had found the pics he asked "on the computer". I'm such an idiot and didn't really register it, plus his computer wasn't here yet.

    But last week I got this awful intuition like bad feelings and started thinking about that incident. I went on his computer and there they were, a bunch of dirty pics of his ex. Even worse the modified date on the file was 9-24-2008. 3 days before our anniversary (going off trak for a sec) an anniversary where he did absolutely nothing - not so much as a card, * * * * he could have sent an email or something. He said he didn't think about it because we he was busy with a wedding he was in and was for one of my family members. Again, completely understandable even though it hurts so much - he was really busy and stressed(so I thought)
    Back to the date. I had written a special card for him, and meticulously calculated the dates to make sure I sent it off on the right day so that it would get to him on our day. I feel like such a fool, putting so much effort and love into something while he is jacking off to pics of his ex.

    This time when I confronted him he said that he had just moved the hard drive from his old computer at that time into the new one. He said he knew the file was there, he had opened it just to see what was there and was not looking at it the way I thought. He said he intended to delete it but forgot. He claims to have no idea what he deleted or changed from the file for it to have set the modified date. I know this isn't true, no other files on the drive had the modified date changed, it doesn't' just randomly change it in one file when you install it.

    After finding the first pics, he was fully aware how hurt I felt about seeing such stuff and the idea he would look at it. I even had him put his old cards and normal pics from her in storage. He also knew I was really insecure about his ex after finding out he tried getting back with her for at least a year after she cheated on him. He promised to let me know anytime she called. This means he knew damn well how I would feel about him having this kind of stuff.
    HE KNEW the file was on his computer. He did NOT remove them before moving the computer into my home. If it was some trophy or nostalgia * * * * he could have burned a copy and put it in his storage unit. He says all he ever thinks about is me and would never intentionally hurt me, if this was true the minute he opened that file he would have been instantly embarrassed and deleted it, I know I would have.

    He refuses to explain himself at all. And refuses to do anything to build the trust back up, pretty much says we're going to break up if I don't let it go. I'm angry and hurt right now so I'm sure I'm exaggerating the truth. Although as he sees it - moving here to be with me is enough, apparently that was our anniversary present and all the proof I should ever need that he loves me and only thinks of me.

    I don't want to be that stupid girl again who makes excuse after excuse. I keep thinking I'm the one with the problem and blowing it out of proportion, but its how I feel and it hurts so much. I hate being a fool, and it is so devastating because I've never felt so connected to someone before - this behavior was a sheer slap in the face, I never could have thought this. Maybe porn - but not this - this is so much worse and so much more personal.

    Sorry for the long post I think its officially a rant, I didn't proofread either, its hard enough to get the courage to write all this, let alone read it again

    Please say someone has been where I am, worked it out, and has advice on how to build back trust. How do I get him to open up and tell me the whole truth? Or am I just setting myself up for failure?
    What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what its all about?

  2. #2
    Super Moderator SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    I think your over reacting. He might have forgotten about it or he might not have realised you'd find them. Doesnt mean he doesnt love you. My ex has pictures of me in underwear (never done nude, dont know who'd get there hands on them) he might forget to delete them and his ex might stumble upon them. Theres no deeper meaning than that.

    The man MOVED to be with you, please get over your jealousy before you destroy your relationship.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member solariseclipse's Avatar
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    i suggest you tell him to delete all "dirty" ex girlfriend pictures as you aren't comfortable with him having them. if he refuses to delete them, then you gotta take action. (

  4. #4
    Super Moderator SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    I agree. Ask him to get rid. If he doesnt. Then you have a problem.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member thejigsup's Avatar
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    Stay or leave. Those are the options open to you. Good luck.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member Miss Firecracker's Avatar
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    This man knew how much it hurt you when you found those photos. And after that (if I understand correctly) he went to the computer to refresh his memory. He obviously treasures his nude photos more than he does you. You will probably see this pattern continue. It will be this, that or the other. Just expect it. And if he didn't get rid of the photos that day he went back to look at them, you shouldn't ask him to do it now.

  7. #7
    Member looking_up's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlueAfterglow08 View Post
    He might have forgotten about it or he might not have realised you'd find them
    If the mod date hadn't been just before our 1yr I could understand forgetting, and the thought of him purposely keeping them thinking I wouldn't find them is so hurtful, I would never keep something I knew would hurt him.

    I understand what you are saying, I just have to figure out how to believe it myself.
    What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what its all about?

  8. #8
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    well, all I can say is that i was cleaning up my computer a few weeks ago and found 'dirty' photos of an ex that I had saved ... and completely forgotten about.


    He could have forgotten about them... how do you want him to explain himself?

    You are being snoopy and I understand that you'd rather they weren't there, but honestly checking down to the point where you can see where it was last modified??? That is verging on stalker-ish behaviour!

    I'm curious to know why he has to let you know every time she calls??

    If I found a boyfriend was going through my phone or my computer, I'd be furious!!

    It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on him, and by doing that you are just pushing him further away by insinuating you do not trust him.

    Also, you ask, how can you make him build up the trust again? What about you? what about you building up the trust again from snooping through his photos on his hard drive and going down to the detail of when they were modified??

    Why not just take some dirty photos of yourself or a video of you getting yourself off and send it to him? I'm sure he'd love it!! And, you would be the confident one to say, "Hey boyfriend... look at me...look at what you got!"

    That would build up his trust towards you too!

  9. #9
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    You have every right to be annoyed.

    A lot of young guys have this habit of making their girlfriends feel like insane drama queens when they confront them about a problem. Don't let him do this. Ask him to delete the pictures. Tell him strongly that you were annoyed by them and that it's disrespectful to you to keep such pictures on his PC.

    His reaction and response will tell you what you need to do.
    Advice given :

    Tips on healing after breakup - http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=235499

    Very important tip!! - http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=242482

    Advice needed :
    http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=310434

    *~USE THE REP SYSTEM!~*

  10. #10

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    It does kind of sound like you are over-reacting. I would start by telling him that you love him and you dont want to lose what you have. Explain that it hurt your feelings and made you feel inadaquate, almost like you were being compared to his ex. Ask him if he would consider removing the pictures from his computer, just to make you feel better. If he is understanding and removes the pics, that is your que to forget it and value him for the good man that he is.

    If he acts like a butt head and/or refuses to delete the pics, kick his butt out.

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