Observational Negativity And The 4am Blues

De Mon Fa De · 01-19-2009, 04:00 AM

Someone dropped me a line and made me think. So I thought. And I decided to try to open up to my wife and let her in.

Staying with my wife means I'm not losing my kid. Yay. Or whatever. At least that's not a problem.

But I don't feel like I've made anything any better; I'm still sitting here on the floor typing instead of having fun.

Then I got this issue with my father where he demands I fix all my own problems, but somehow he's still got this idea that I deserve the "junior size" of everything in life, the generic brands, the used stuff. Even tho I pay for all my own stuff, it's just his mentality that I'm still broke and helpless.

And I can't stop thinking about it. It's bothered me for years and now he's one of the last people left and just now I found myself in the bathroom staring at the mirror actually saying outloud to no-one "I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!"

I feel distressed. I have places to sit online, people to talk to, interests to share, but I can't even be there because I just rant about my problems. It's caused confrontations, especially from people who didn't know me before I started flipping out on everyone. I feel like between my... issues... and people dieing, lines keep being drawn in the sand leaving fewer and fewer people standing near me.

I look up at a noise and I want something to be there. Someone kick in my door, some grinning thing leering at me with an obscene amount of teeth; I want to see the world fall apart, want to know I've finally lost my mind completely. I want to fight something and I don't care if I live or die I just want to feel right. Cold. I want to feel all that anger and pain and hate and everything else stuck in there come flooding out of me.

Two comments here, about insanity and why it really sucks, that you won't otherwise know until you go yourself.

First, you have to do it alone. Even if someone's with you, you're still alone, permanently.

And second, it can take a really long time to reach a state of crazy that leaves you free from worrying about real problems. In fact, even when you get there you usually just create new phantasmal problems for your mind to deal with. The image of the cheerful, giggling lunatic is a media myth; no one calls you crazy if you laugh and giggle and sit around all day, they just call you a hippy, or at worst, retarted.

I cried myself to sleep today. That felt pretty crappy. I giggled alot today too. I think that's a giggle. What do you call that mad throaty laugh that starts way back, deep in your throat, building till you tilt your head back and then immediately stop and stare back at everyone that stares at you? Is that mad laughter? Do I have a mad laugh? Does it matter?

That's 4am for me today.

Davie · 01-19-2009, 05:53 AM

Try to relax a little, catch some sleep.

Set a bed time for yourself. Say... 11 oclock?

Perhaps this is all down to sleep. I've had some of the same issues in the past. A lot of the issues I got through with the help of my partner.

Try and take no notice of your father, I can understand how you feel on this one though. Confide in your wife

Things will work out, and even though it's just a forum we're all people with problems here and we are all here and ready to share our advice and our woe's.

We're always here to try and help too! You're Not Alone

De Mon Fa De · 01-19-2009, 06:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Davie

Try and take no notice of your father, I can understand how you feel on this one though. Confide in your wife

Things will work out, and even though it's just a forum we're all people with problems here and we are all here and ready to share our advice and our woe's.

We're always here to try and help too! You're Not Alone

Thanks man, that's kind of you to say.

Davie · 01-19-2009, 11:01 AM

I may be young but I'm pretty oppinionated!

If you ever feel like you need some advice or encouragement, you are always more than welcome to PM me

Keep going, use your family for support. Your wife is your wife because when you asked if she'd marry you. She said yes. You're the man she loves. You're the man she wants to make feel better

Keep your chin up!

Dave

01-19-2009, 04:00 AM	#1
De Mon Fa De Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Tampa Florida Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 125	Observational Negativity And The 4am Blues Someone dropped me a line and made me think. So I thought. And I decided to try to open up to my wife and let her in. Staying with my wife means I'm not losing my kid. Yay. Or whatever. At least that's not a problem. But I don't feel like I've made anything any better; I'm still sitting here on the floor typing instead of having fun. Then I got this issue with my father where he demands I fix all my own problems, but somehow he's still got this idea that I deserve the "junior size" of everything in life, the generic brands, the used stuff. Even tho I pay for all my own stuff, it's just his mentality that I'm still broke and helpless. And I can't stop thinking about it. It's bothered me for years and now he's one of the last people left and just now I found myself in the bathroom staring at the mirror actually saying outloud to no-one "I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!" I feel distressed. I have places to sit online, people to talk to, interests to share, but I can't even be there because I just rant about my problems. It's caused confrontations, especially from people who didn't know me before I started flipping out on everyone. I feel like between my... issues... and people dieing, lines keep being drawn in the sand leaving fewer and fewer people standing near me. I look up at a noise and I want something to be there. Someone kick in my door, some grinning thing leering at me with an obscene amount of teeth; I want to see the world fall apart, want to know I've finally lost my mind completely. I want to fight something and I don't care if I live or die I just want to feel right. Cold. I want to feel all that anger and pain and hate and everything else stuck in there come flooding out of me. Two comments here, about insanity and why it really sucks, that you won't otherwise know until you go yourself. First, you have to do it alone. Even if someone's with you, you're still alone, permanently. And second, it can take a really long time to reach a state of crazy that leaves you free from worrying about real problems. In fact, even when you get there you usually just create new phantasmal problems for your mind to deal with. The image of the cheerful, giggling lunatic is a media myth; no one calls you crazy if you laugh and giggle and sit around all day, they just call you a hippy, or at worst, retarted. I cried myself to sleep today. That felt pretty crappy. I giggled alot today too. I think that's a giggle. What do you call that mad throaty laugh that starts way back, deep in your throat, building till you tilt your head back and then immediately stop and stare back at everyone that stares at you? Is that mad laughter? Do I have a mad laugh? Does it matter? That's 4am for me today. Last edited by De Mon Fa De; 01-19-2009 at 04:20 AM.

01-19-2009, 05:53 AM	#2
Davie Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: The Declining Steps of Hell Gender: Male Posts: 363	Try to relax a little, catch some sleep. Set a bed time for yourself. Say... 11 oclock? Perhaps this is all down to sleep. I've had some of the same issues in the past. A lot of the issues I got through with the help of my partner. Try and take no notice of your father, I can understand how you feel on this one though. Confide in your wife Things will work out, and even though it's just a forum we're all people with problems here and we are all here and ready to share our advice and our woe's. We're always here to try and help too! You're Not Alone

01-19-2009, 11:01 AM	#4
Davie Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: The Declining Steps of Hell Gender: Male Posts: 363	I may be young but I'm pretty oppinionated! If you ever feel like you need some advice or encouragement, you are always more than welcome to PM me Keep going, use your family for support. Your wife is your wife because when you asked if she'd marry you. She said yes. You're the man she loves. You're the man she wants to make feel better Keep your chin up! Dave